Page 10 | Guy asked me my religion within 15 mins of first date! Bin him?

LaBrasseria2024 · 2024-12-22T23:49:16+00:00

Hi all, Dipped my toe in OLD about a year ago. It's been a year lol. 32 female. I went on a date with a guy a few weeks back. Perhaps my post would be better in Craicnet (I'm N.I) The guy asked me within 15 mins of the date if I was a particular religion ( his religion) obviously hoping that I was. I just think it's a bit rude and a touchy subject in N.I, especially one a first date. I wouldn't dream of asking someone this as I don't feel it's appropriate and it doesn't matter to me. I wasn't brought up like that! I brushed it under the carpet as I wouldn't want an argument on the first date. Apart from that we got on and I found other things he said very funny. We have texted quite a bit since, second date arranged, but I had to cancel due to being sick. But it has played on my mind he felt it okay to ask me this. He is a 35 year old man and should know better, ffs! Am I being oversensitive? Or should I throw this one back?

Original poster

LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 03:35

@Incompleteshock - but given it's such a touchy subject, shouldn't he know to avoid? Most people try to put their best foot forward on a date, not say something that might offend.

I mean he wouldn't say it to work colleagues as a 'joke' would he? Cause he wouldn't want to offend

OP posts:

Original poster

LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 03:36

@WishinAndHopin - he clearly stated he isn't religious though, so it's very contradictory of him then. He told me religion 'doesnt matter' then why bring it up?

We are also the same religion, not a different one

OP posts:

LimeLimeLime · 23/12/2024 03:40

OP, you're not wrong and I'm sorry you've had so much stick from people who either don't understand at all or worse, do understand and are trying to justify it.

For people in the former category, OP is not concerned about theological matters, but sectarianism. Something which is sadly still a big issue in Northern Ireland. So, much like a POC would be concerned if a date started showing racist views, she is concerned (and clearly saddened) that an educated person in 2024 has those views and is so unsubtle about airing them.

@wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting I'm so sorry about your friend.💐

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 23/12/2024 03:45

LaBrasseria2024 · 22/12/2024 23:57

I think some people on this thread don't understand the issues in N.I. He is not religious whatsoever, he told me that. His question is to do with being sectarian. He also made a slightly sectarian 'joke' about the area I live in, which was inaccurate!

Why didn't he just ask you

How do you spell Hilary or hen or ham?

Or...where do you keep your toaster?

Or....... flip...my minds gone blank...what's the correct name for the Maiden City?

I'm from NI.....so some non NI folk may not have a scobby do what I'm on about lol

EmmaSmiff · 23/12/2024 04:08

I’m not from N.I, but my great grandmother was, and I remember her and visits to N.I when I was young.

I firmly believe that first dates or early dating should be nice occasions, where you’re comfortable and enjoying yourself. My advice would be to throw him back.

AnneButNotHathaway · 23/12/2024 04:21

Perfectly sensible in my books, it's always better to bring up core values sooner rather than later so that no one's time is wasted.

litepop · 23/12/2024 04:22

LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 00:06

@Ladyoatcookies - yes exactly! Similar to Glasgow, lots of sectarianism from people who are not even religious!

If from Glasgow and totally get where OP is coming from.
If he was genuinely asking if she was religious and how it impacted her life then I can understand the question....ie do you go to church/chapel every Sunday/beliefs on sex before marriage/ beliefs on contraception / beliefs on same sex marriage / beliefs on abortion etc

But he just sounds bigoted and wanted to know which 'side' she was on

Expletive · 23/12/2024 04:33

I thought the norm was to ask what schools you went to rather than a direct question.

WishinAndHopin · 23/12/2024 04:46

LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 03:36

@WishinAndHopin - he clearly stated he isn't religious though, so it's very contradictory of him then. He told me religion 'doesnt matter' then why bring it up?

We are also the same religion, not a different one

I'm guessing then it does matter to him, but he doesn't want to be obvious? He's hedging his bets to see if he likes you enough to not be bothered if you don't match?

litepop · 23/12/2024 05:00

Expletive · 23/12/2024 04:33

I thought the norm was to ask what schools you went to rather than a direct question.

Not so much these days. My non-religious daughter (not baptised in any religion) attends a catholic school. I'm Protestant, exH is lapsed catholic and not been in a chapel since we met (other than weddings, funerals etc). But it was altar best school in the area.
We live in an area of Glasgow with quite a sectarian outlook

landobroken · 23/12/2024 05:22

Oh no, OP, I really wouldn't like this for the same reasons you have stated. If it features enough in his mind to make "jokes" about it my hunch is he'll have sectarian traits and he doesn't get them from nowhere. Yikes imagine an in-law situation.

Ugh I hate living here sometimes - anytime I notice someone like this there's usually a theme. They haven't been anywhere - so lacking in exposure to actual cultural differences. A year abroad travelling should be made mandatory and not to Oz/fecking Benidorm - the world is a big place and these thickos don't seem to realise we're all really quite similar in the end (minus being sectarian of course)

justasking111 · 23/12/2024 08:40

A group of male friends each year go to Scotland walking for a fortnight. They enjoy a pint or two at the end of the day. They've been asked their religion now and again over the years in the pubs.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 09:26

AnneButNotHathaway · 23/12/2024 04:21

Perfectly sensible in my books, it's always better to bring up core values sooner rather than later so that no one's time is wasted.

That's not "values".

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 09:28

LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 03:36

@WishinAndHopin - he clearly stated he isn't religious though, so it's very contradictory of him then. He told me religion 'doesnt matter' then why bring it up?

We are also the same religion, not a different one

Well that partly answers why he's full steam ahead for the next date.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 23/12/2024 09:30

Expletive · 23/12/2024 04:33

I thought the norm was to ask what schools you went to rather than a direct question.

Or whether you like a nice walk

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 10:13

LaBrasseria2024 · 23/12/2024 02:58

@ForFunAmberDeer - I would really like to ask him, but at the same time it was two weeks ago! So he will wonder why I didn't bring it up there and then (I just didn't want an argument in a bar in front of people)

I also think he would potentially brush it off as a 'joke' or 'just messing' when really I think it was anything but that!

Well sure it's your first chance to ask him face to face, if he trues to joke it off I'd defo bin him because leaving all else aside how many 'jokes' would he make be making in front of your family and friends, it's toe curling.

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 10:16

Toenailz · 23/12/2024 03:01

Why don't you educate all of us who disagree, then?

The answer of 'assuming you're not in NI' isn't really good enough.

Show quote history

Thing is tbh you don't know what you are disagreeing about as you have completely missed the point. Not knowing anything but the bare minimum about ni and taking the hump bizarrely when you are told you actually are on the wrong track frankly just isn't good enough.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 10:17

Or...where do you keep your toaster?

I have no clue what this toaster thing is about, in spite of being raised in NI (and currently living here).

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 10:19

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 10:16

Thing is tbh you don't know what you are disagreeing about as you have completely missed the point. Not knowing anything but the bare minimum about ni and taking the hump bizarrely when you are told you actually are on the wrong track frankly just isn't good enough.

Show quote history

That poster went on to post several personal attacks too. Quite nasty.

But feels entitled to have people spend their time "educating" her.

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 10:20

Toenailz · 23/12/2024 03:13

No, the basis of your post was that you were put off he asked you this question with the 15 mins.

The comment about the area you live in was secondary in your list of peeves.

The latter - not acceptable, and I'd not want to date either as it's obvious of undertones of attitudes.

The first, was fine. You don't think it was - that's also fine.

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I hope this was drunk posting. If not, seriously re read these and really consider carefully if there is any other group of people in the jurisdiction of the UK that you would think about telling so much about their own lives and how they are lived.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 10:21

He sounds a bit socially/emotionally unintelligent op ..asking someone outright (and very quickly) what religion they are in NI, making stupid jokes about the area they live in. Bit of a nob, aside from any underlying prejudices.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 10:23

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 10:20

I hope this was drunk posting. If not, seriously re read these and really consider carefully if there is any other group of people in the jurisdiction of the UK that you would think about telling so much about their own lives and how they are lived.

Show quote history

I think there were quite a few post wine o'clock posters on this thread last night.

That would be the kindest interpretation anyway.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 10:37

I ran this by my partner, out of curiosity, and his first comment was "maybe he's religious?"; I said no, he's not. His next comment was "maybe his family are religious".

It's possible that he is affected by a family background of people who would vastly prefer (if not only find it acceptable to have) a DIL who is from the same community. Maybe they are religious, maybe they're not but are bigoted to some extent (which is pretty common, let's face it).

I have met numerous people like this, from both communities. I wasted my time on potential romances in my 20s on occasion thinking that - because I was open minded about the community from which people came - that they would be likewise.
In retrospect there was v little chance they would get into a relationship with me, someone from the "opposite" community. It was obvious when I got older. (Especially when I thought about the implications of their involvement in Gaelic sports etc., which have always and continue to have political undertones). I was naive at the time. Their families would just not have been happy with a protestant DIL, and those guys preferred a simple, easy life. They could get a girl from their community who was no better or worse than me in any way, so why bother with the issues that having a serious relationship with a girl from the "other" community would raise among his family, friends etc.

I find a lot of men are like this (re the easy life etc.).
I was talking to one through a sport (also from a rural region, which most people are in NI and Ireland) and he told me that he'd dated several women from different races and cultures in his twenties and early thirties while working abroad for years. But that he didn't feel he could bring any of them back to his parents as a partner/wife.
He then joked that at his age now, his parents might be happy if he brought anyone back, full stop.

Different prejudice (race) but same principle as the sectarianism, I feel.

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 10:47

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 10:37

I ran this by my partner, out of curiosity, and his first comment was "maybe he's religious?"; I said no, he's not. His next comment was "maybe his family are religious".

It's possible that he is affected by a family background of people who would vastly prefer (if not only find it acceptable to have) a DIL who is from the same community. Maybe they are religious, maybe they're not but are bigoted to some extent (which is pretty common, let's face it).

I have met numerous people like this, from both communities. I wasted my time on potential romances in my 20s on occasion thinking that - because I was open minded about the community from which people came - that they would be likewise.
In retrospect there was v little chance they would get into a relationship with me, someone from the "opposite" community. It was obvious when I got older. (Especially when I thought about the implications of their involvement in Gaelic sports etc., which have always and continue to have political undertones). I was naive at the time. Their families would just not have been happy with a protestant DIL, and those guys preferred a simple, easy life. They could get a girl from their community who was no better or worse than me in any way, so why bother with the issues that having a serious relationship with a girl from the "other" community would raise among his family, friends etc.

I find a lot of men are like this (re the easy life etc.).
I was talking to one through a sport (also from a rural region, which most people are in NI and Ireland) and he told me that he'd dated several women from different races and cultures in his twenties and early thirties while working abroad for years. But that he didn't feel he could bring any of them back to his parents as a partner/wife.
He then joked that at his age now, his parents might be happy if he brought anyone back, full stop.

Different prejudice (race) but same principle as the sectarianism, I feel.

Edited

Hmmmm a lot of insidious sectarianism in your post there sorry. I am q involved in GAA circles and know plenty of people in mixed marriages whose children play GAA and of course especially more rurally there is a sizeable but small % who aren't Catholic who are involved in the sport. That's off topic but sorry we've drifted again here to the idea that the guy wanted to sus out whether the two of them were religiously of one mind, he didn't. He just wanted to make fun of her perceived background and classify her based solely on that. That's the very root of sectarianism.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/12/2024 11:01

Hmmmm a lot of insidious sectarianism in your post there sorry

I'm aware there are folks who would not be prejudiced against protestants - who are involved in GAA; but I'm afraid my experience in my twenties was that those young men whose families who were heavily involved in GAA were republican leaning (understatement), and not remotely open minded about relationships or potential marriages with protestants, quite the opposite.

One expressed extreme surprise that I, a protestant, would know a Gaelic football player he knew ...and with a baffled look on his face, said "how would you know O B??". He then expressed his incredulity that I'd ever have encountered, let alone socialised with him.

There are some views - among some people - who are involved in Gaelic sports, that are exclusionary and "we stick to our own". I've experienced it first hand.

(Of course there are similar people on the Unionist side).

Also way back the GAA was founded to promote Irish nationalism (I have a degree in mostly Irish history) ... . and is still occasionally involved in funerals etc. of republican figures (and not political figures, terrorist organisation figures).