Guy asked me my religion within 15 mins of first date! Bin him?

[LaBrasseria2024]

Hi all,

Dipped my toe in OLD about a year ago. It's been a year lol. 32 female.

I went on a date with a guy a few weeks back.

Perhaps my post would be better in Craicnet (I'm N.I)

The guy asked me within 15 mins of the date if I was a particular religion ( his religion) obviously hoping that I was.

I just think it's a bit rude and a touchy subject in N.I, especially one a first date.

I wouldn't dream of asking someone this as I don't feel it's appropriate and it doesn't matter to me. I wasn't brought up like that!

I brushed it under the carpet as I wouldn't want an argument on the first date. Apart from that we got on and I found other things he said very funny.

We have texted quite a bit since, second date arranged, but I had to cancel due to being sick.

But it has played on my mind he felt it okay to ask me this. He is a 35 year old man and should know better, ffs!

Am I being oversensitive? Or should I throw this one back?

The point of dating is to find out how we'll you get on with someone. Do you have compatible attitudes, values, expectations of life? Is it someone you can imagine being with long term, meeting your family, your friends?

He was indirectly telling you you're not compatible and that's the point of meeting for a date, to try and find these things out.

He is presumably from NI or at least resident there. I might give a bit of leeway if that's not the case, but only if absolutely everything else was tip top.

It's usually fairly obvious from someone's name.... Is he dumb too (or do you have a not easily identifiable name)?

@StrawberryDream24 - yes that's what I am thinking. He gets that attitude from somewhere! I wasn't brought up like that, so I would never treat anyone like that.

This - I’m surprised he had to ask, there’s so many subtle ways to figure it out in N.I that it seems a bit odd to need to ask directly.

@StrawberryDream24 - you wouldn't be able to tell from my name no! My name could be either religion! And as it was 15 mins into our first date, we matched on hinge, only my first name is on my hinge profile. So he didn't have a second name to go on either

It's sad in a way because it's clearly a reflex. I'm older than you but to be mid 30s and that to be fore front in your mind on a date is mad. Obvs he does like you anyway lol he must really like you! It could just be he has no experience outside his immediate community, in fact it definitely is that

Probably because there's a shortage of nice looking, well presented, sensible young women to date. People tend to settle early here.

It matters to him but not enough to scupper his romantic prospects.

Also worth saying, as unpleasant as it is, that maybe he's up for dating and sex .. but not long term or marriage. Hence he's still pursuing, even though your community is apparently not what he's looking for.

Do you think he was making sure that you were also not religious?
If he clearly didn't want any religion in his life he didn't want to waste time on a religious person as a date.
He sounds forth right and not that sensitive in communication.

So, you now know those two things about him; he is not religious and his is brusque.

@ForFunAmberDeer - he should have experience out of his immediate community though, he doesn't still live in his hometown. Hasnt lived in his hometown since he left for uni aged 18. ( lives in the capital of N.I now, as do I) . He also works for a large corporate company, I know others who work there, and there are plenty of people working there from Protestant and catholic backgrounds!

You can take the boy out of the countryside, but you can't take the countryside out of the boy.

Lots of very unfair calls of bigotry and being close minded on this thread.

One of my best friends loves everything about Ireland, spends 5 days a week at GAA training kids, speaks Irish at home with his family, involved in political parties working towards unity.

Another friend is a member of an Orange Lodge, wants kids to grow up and go straight into the army, volunteers at Girls Brigade and is it at band practice twice a week. Royalist, protests unity.

Both drink together regularly, would consider eachother good friends but could not raise kids together or get married because they believe in completely different things and want their lives to look different. Their idea of family activities would be completely opposite.

It is okay to know what you want and honestly you sound pretty unforgiving yourself, along with some others commenting on this thread. Plenty of people choose their friendships based on beliefs/politics and just because you don’t, doesn’t make someone else (or their family!!) bad

@StrawberryDream24 - very true. He is a country boy

I’m not religious and it’s definitely a screening question. I only want a relationship with someone who shares my major philosophical beliefs. If the man follows a religion I won’t date him. It’s right up there with being a smoker or using illegal drugs.

Even if he isn’t religious, he might just want a relationship with someone who shares his cultural traditions. His reasons don’t really matter though. If you think the question shows a sectarian bias, then stop dating the man.

What he sees as a reasonable first date question, you find offensive. That alone shows a lack of compatibility.

@PolarBear24 - that should be established before the date then no?

Yeah never date a bigot. For those saying give him a chance if he likes you - well no, that’s a bad idea.

I’m a POC and I’ve had white guys simultaneously hit on me and exhibit signs of racial prejudice. I’m not so naive to think I could rid them of their racism if we were in a relationship. It will still be there no matter how much they think they love me.

And even if they do change to an extent, they will still be immersed within their family who have those attitudes and will be constantly trying to re-condition him. It’s too much of an uphill battle.

There’s enough potential issues than can arise in relationships without having to deal with your partner being prejudiced against your community. Throw this one back!

@StrawberryDream24 -that's very true! Perhaps he is okay to get the leg over with someone from ' the other side' but not a long term relationship!

@PolarBear24 - it's bigotry! So why wouldn't we call it bigotry?

Yes but it's very easy in NI in Belfast especially to live in one community, I know it is because I do. And it's very easy to have pleasant surface level interactions with colleagues of all backgrounds, I've worked in those environments and was shocked by the virulent sectarianism that was just bubbling under the surface for a lot of people. I actually prefer those who don't paint on a veneer of middle class seeming rationality. You can function q successfully in ni seeming like a 21st c person but never actually expanding your mindset beyond how you were brought up.

I went through this before with a guy back in my uni days and told myself it was just him being 'immature' and influenced by mates. Can't believe I have come across it again in the dating world in my 30's 🙄

I think these attitudes and preoccupations are established long before people go to uni or work in multi nationals.

Anyway, even if that's how he thinks ..... He's pretty uncouth and clueless etc to show it. There could be fifty more discrete ways of finding out and he didn't have to make the stupid comment about your area. So he's a bit of an eejit, as well as being somewhat (?) bigoted.

I would (sadly) say that the majority of the population is like that here, even young people.

But there are exceptions so .... Keep going.

What about a move away from it .. to England for example? Or would you much rather stay here?

It was a breath of fresh air to be completely free of this shit when I lived in England.

(Aside from being told by a sub contractor re. my name "that's not a very Irish name!".
Cool, another English person who doesn't know that Ireland was probably their first colony and that they put millions of English & Scottish people in it over hundreds of years. You wouldn't want to know any history, outside England, now would you?)

@LaBrasseria2024 I'm not in NI but worked there and appreciate religion is still a sensitive topic. Hopefully more people will be like you in future and realise it actually doesn't matter because it's a personal thing.

I'm trying to relate the question to something I might find offensive and for me it would be ethnicity - I look white but am bi-racial. If someone asked me if I am white, I'd run a mile. So I don't think UABU if you threw him back.

However, it sounds like you're not sure so talk to him about it. Why did he feel it was important to ask the question.

Hope it works out how you'd like it to x

@ForFunAmberDeer - it's bloody depressing. I need to move countries! I know these attitudes exist but like I said I have been on a lot of dates this year and no one else has asked me that question! So he must be so bitter deep down.

And it's the fact he made me feel awkward and I got a bit nervous and said 'ermmm well I think a few generations back in my family is maybe a mixed marriage' , not 100% sure if this is true, I just said it to diffuse the situation and I didn't want him to discount/dislike me...stupid! Then once we moved on from the topic we had a good night.

I think he was tactless asking so soon but I do think it’s a question that’s much easier face to face. It’s a hard question to ask, regardless of how you do it.

As far as calling him a bigot - recognising that you are not compatible with someone who has different beliefs from you is not bigoted. Treating them poorly because of it is.

You sound judgey for him daring to feel strongly about something and as though you think you are better than him.

@Ponderingwindow has worded it much more eloquently than me but instead of insulting him and his family/background for placing importance on different things to you, just accept you’re not compatible and move onto the next person.

@StrawberryDream24 - where abouts did you live in England? Sometimes I would love a change.