Guy asked me my religion within 15 mins of first date! Bin him?

[LaBrasseria2024]

Hi all,

Dipped my toe in OLD about a year ago. It's been a year lol. 32 female.

I went on a date with a guy a few weeks back.

Perhaps my post would be better in Craicnet (I'm N.I)

The guy asked me within 15 mins of the date if I was a particular religion ( his religion) obviously hoping that I was.

I just think it's a bit rude and a touchy subject in N.I, especially one a first date.

I wouldn't dream of asking someone this as I don't feel it's appropriate and it doesn't matter to me. I wasn't brought up like that!

I brushed it under the carpet as I wouldn't want an argument on the first date. Apart from that we got on and I found other things he said very funny.

We have texted quite a bit since, second date arranged, but I had to cancel due to being sick.

But it has played on my mind he felt it okay to ask me this. He is a 35 year old man and should know better, ffs!

Am I being oversensitive? Or should I throw this one back?

Whatever his beliefs or culture, if he feels he needs to ask, to him it's important, which to you and others, who DGAF see as unnecessary bigotry. You are not on the same page and have different moral approaches. For that, I'd give him a miss. Religion is devicive. This is an example of a person stuck in a mindset. If he wants to be sectarian, let him, his loss.

Well personally I have never chosen my friends based on beliefs/politics because they are such a small part of a person's psyche!

You're not understanding what's happening here. The guy has some element of sectarianism in his makeup, and it's probably something that he's not even conscious of. This question isn't one I would ever ask anyone.

From NI here, I don't think it's a strange question at all?! Although to be fair I haven't dated in 25 years. He could have been more subtle for sure, but it could be an awkward way of actually NOT wanting to offend. Eg you may not be interested in how his GAA career going, or what he did at his OO meeting this week so if you were "the other side " he wouldn't bring those things up.

Bitter is a strange phrase to use......

I'm RC and if I was in NI, apart from feeling generally uneasy, I'd try to be very aware if I was in a Catholic/Protestant area. . If I was dating someone in NI, I'd certainly want to know because I don't want to end up going back to an area with union jack colours painted on the footpaths or meeting a group of my date's friends who could potentially say something I'd find offensive/threatening.

I think its a reasonable question to ask to be fair.

I wanted to post a photo of the Derry Girls blackboard of differences but I don’t have it to hand.

OP, he’s an unsubtle sectarian twit. You’re well rid.

I'm from NI and yes it would tell me a lot about him and make me want to throw him back. Even if I was same 'side' as him, I couldn't listen to a lifetime of sectarianism from him. These people are so bitter, there is no reasoning with them or seeing another view point. He obviously feels strongly enough about it to come out and ask, instead of sussing out via name/school etc. He was telling/showing you who he was. If I was in your shoes I'd be moving on. Who has time for that these days.

@PolarBear24 - you don't seem to be able to read properly. He MADE FUN OF/ made an offensive comment about the area I live in.

So clearly it's him who thinks he is better than me, how do I think I am better than him?

If his beliefs don't align with mine, why is it okay to offend where someone lives?

A small part of a persons psyche that influences a huge amount of their life - like how they spend their time, their interests, their attitudes.

It might not be as obvious in friendships where you’re seeing eachother less regularly but in a long term relationship of course it matters! its no different to wanting/not wanting marriage/kids

In Hertfordshire, half way between London and Cambridge.

There are so many places that have decent working opportunities and beautiful countryside in England though.

English people would be better at recommending somewhere.

Apparently London has an oversupply of women so I don't know if I could recommend it to a woman looking for a partner. Not sure if that's entirely accurate.

If you are from NI, surely you know just by your first name, never mind the surname? A NI university mate taught me about the significance of recognising even first names as belonging to either this or that religion.

@Grabyourpassportandmyhand - bitter is not a strange word to use as that's what he is. He could ask about my school, sports etc , and he would be able to figure it out, as many others have pointed out

Op, some posters are best left on read. You'll only stress and frustrated yourself.

If they could read/were not professional contrarians/trolls ... They wouldn't be posting what they're posting.

I have lived most of adult life away from home. I love being here but I'm in a relationship with an English man now, whose views are the direct opposite of mine on god everything lol. I know so many great guys from here and have dated seriously a man from the other side who was welcomed in to my family no questions asked whereas his family whilst nice absolutely viewed my background as suspect, alien. Don't get me started on the Son worship of mothers here of all hues and the expectations on women lol! You only have to get lucky once, if you want to meet him again do but be honest and bring it up, if he is open to talking about it then might be more about him than at first glance

I’m 45… I grew up just within the NI side of the border in the 80s/ 90s, and experienced a huge amount of sectarianism (and how easy it is to be led into the cult of sectarianism) actual bombings (our house) and shootings of 17 year old soldiers by the people ‘fighting for the cause’.

I left for Scotland University at aged 18, and since to England. I am Irish Catholic, was head girl at my convent grammar school.

I literally could not bear the subliminal sectarianism that bubbles constantly in the underbelly of Northern Ireland.

I thought NI had changed. It saddens me to read your OP.

99.9% or more of GAA players or OO members I know would not get into a relationship with someone from the other community.

So this doesn't really make any sense.

Not necessarily. My friends and colleagues come from all sorts of beliefs and backgrounds. My children have been reared to not give a shit.

I have a sibling in a mixed marriage and it hasn't affected their relationship one bit. On the other hand, I once had a colleague whose mixed marriage cost her her life.

@Hwi - my first name could honestly be either religion . I have quite a few school friends whose first name could also be either!

In the space of an hour it has gone from ‘He also made a slightly sectarian 'joke'’ to made an offensive comment so I can read fine but, as mentioned before, had suggested the benefit of the doubt and not writing him off completely.

But judging from your politeness to anyone agreeing with you/snappiness with anyone not, I can understand why differences in what you prioritise may not be something you can overcome.

Bowing out now OP, good luck

So instead of beating around the bush the issue is he was too direct?

IMO you need be honest with yourself. The issue is not that he asked the question. The issue is he made a few derogatory remarks about where you live.

Therefore surely it is quite simple and you don't see him again?

You don't need a group of strangers to validate your quite normal response to being on the receiving end of snide remarks?

There are loads of first names that don't represent the community the person comes from at all!

I give you Anne, Mary, Catherine??? for starters!

Get someone who doesn’t give a fuck. Whatever you are, the fact he asked matters to him - if it didn’t matter he wouldn’t ask. Maybe it matters less to him than it does to his family but if it’s his family’s POV that is making him ask then also hell nah.

Unless he’s a very independent man who isn’t arsed what you are and what his family think about that I wouldn’t entertain it. He needs to be willing to tell them to jog straight to fuck and mind their own.

Personally, to me, the fact he asked you fifteen minutes in indicates he’s not unbothered. Your denomination is immaterial to who you are as a person and I wouldn’t date into a family who had an issue with what denomination of lassie their son dates.

I will bet he’s a prod. I just get that vibe, from the answer you felt you had to give, although I’m ambiguous and been asked by both; neither was a family I’d want involved with. If they care, that’s a big problem too.

Tbh I have read your posts and you seem to be in total denial about the reality of sectarianism. You keep describing it as simple preferences which is an incredibly myopic and naive take for anyone from here. Some people are actual bigots.

@ForFunAmberDeer - are you back here for good? I do think about leaving, but it is deffo cheaper in Belfast in terms of COL than the likes of London!

I would have probably gone on the second date had I not been sick. However, I have had time to think about it more/run it by a few friends who were horrified! Their reaction made me think I was too understanding about it all

Sadly, it hasn't changed all that much.

Yes, for middle classes, nobody gives an actual shit any more. People have genuinely moved past that. Anyone who is educated, anyone who has lived somewhere other than their hometown, realises what a load of crap sectarianism is.

But you go to the working class estates... sadly it's bred from one generation to the next. I see it through my work and it's so sad. So does my DC1. Some of them are literally feral. These people are born and bred in the same community and live all of their lives there and they just don't know any different. I've no idea how change could be brought about.

My name is super one but my denomination is the opposite. I’m actually ‘mixed.’ It’s not worth the hassle. They need to all away and grow up, IMHO.