Confused about whether to leave happy marriage or not

[GlassLampshades]

Please, please be gentle. I've been going through a lot this past year with teenagers / ill parent, etc, and my mental state is fragile. Basically, seeing my mum become completely incapacitated after an accident this time last year seems to have triggered some sort of mid life crisis / self reflection which is coming to a head now due to the Christmas period which I have always found very stressful and emotional anyway.

I'm also on a two week holiday from a very stressful job which I actually use to avoid confronting any feelings I have so now I have more headspace to actually think things through.

I'm 43. DH is 50. We have been together 18 years and have two teenagers. He's the smartest, kindest, most loving person I could ever hope for. A fantastic husband and father. He's absolutely gorgeous too and very affectionate, generous and great company. We went out last night and had an absolute blast together. We have a lovely house and lifestyle.

The one fly in the ointment is his lack of libido. We have talked and he would be happy to never have sex again. He has no desire at all. Meanwhile mine is through the roof. Being near him is torture because I have such strong desire and there is just nothing from him. He does make a huge effort for me because he knows it's important but his lack of desire is killing me. We can go through the motions but it is not working for me because his heart is not in it.

It's breaking my heart because we love each other and we are soulmates but my need to be with someone who has sexual desire for me is becoming unbearable.

We have talked about it but it's a very painful topic for both of us and there is so much hurt and pain there. I don't think he will agree to opening the marriage. He is willing to split if I decide that I cannot continue in this way. He understands that what I am asking for is not unreasonable in any way but he cannot change how he feels.

I'm just so frightened that I would be throwing away something so wonderful because I want to have sex. It seems so pathetic. And there is no guarantee I would ever meet anyone else who ticks all the boxes.

I'm just confused, anxious and afraid of fucking up my life if I leave, and fucking up my life if I stay.

Any advice gratefully received.

@AnotherNcagain You weren’t accused of sexual coercion because you were upset your partner stopped going down. It was because you wanted him to do it anyway and talked about manoeuvring yourself onto his face.

@StormingNorman no he manoeuvred me towards his face but I didn’t feel comfortable due to the issues because I wasn’t convinced of his enthusiasm so that was an issue for me. Honestly you should read the posts properly before accusing me of that: And yes some did say it was coercion though what I had the problem with the most was him not being truthful. But I think once people enjoy the pile on, they stop reading what the op has so say and just start with unhelpful comments.

Hi OP. Registered literally just to comment on this, as it is such a sad situation.

On your problem (and the reason I registered), I had this exact same issue. Man in my 40s, married and together for decades, pretty much grew up together. Very happy and close - best of friends and confidantes. But we had a dead bedroom for years as my libido disappeared completely. Went from regular sex to none at all (similarly - we remained super affectionate and tactile, but it led nowhere and my wife just wanted to be "wanted", not feel like I was doing things just for her sake). I am in decent shape and not a smoker or big drinker. We tried therapy, and I took blood tests, heart monitoring - you name it. GP was useless - wouldn't give me breakdown of testosterone, just that it was "within normal range" and (I am not joking) she told me that she wouldn't check the SHBG levels or refer me to a specialist (and I had no idea which specialist I might need) as this was normal middle-aged man stuff, and perhaps I was stressed from work and maybe a bit depressed (my take was that I was depressed because I felt my life was shutting down at far too young an age). My wife and I talked it out and eventually came to the conclusion that the good massively outweighed the bad and that we would rather stay together despite this being an ongoing problem, and that we would keep looking for a solution.

My solution came by chance. As a final somewhat depressed gambit, I took another private testosterone test where I got the results myself, rather than via GP. They came back showing that my testosterone was indeed in the "normal" range, but at the low end. However, because it is a private test, they screen for a bunch of other things too - it also showed that I had massively increased levels of a hormone called Prolactin, indicative of a large tumour in my brain. Repeat blood tests and a referral to an endocrinologist, plus a MRI confirmed I had the large tumour. Thankfully, these are treatable with meds, surgery and radiotherapy and mostly benign. One side effect of these tumours/increased Prolactin is that it messes with testosterone and oestrogen production (basically slows down or shuts it off).

I started drug treatment to reduce prolactin, and the tumour was reduced successfully within months. One immediate side-effect was that my testosterone almost tripled. It went from bottom of "normal" to top of "normal" (and I learned from the Endo that what is normal for one man and allow them to function properly can vary wildly for what is baseline for another). My sex drive went practically overnight from pretty much "not wanting it at all ever" to wanting to have sex 3-4 per day (which was much more like it was when we first met in our 20s). Things are back to normal with us and we have a 360 degree relationship again (if anything now I am the one who wants sex all the time and my wife has to gently encourage me to take lots of cold showers). My energy levels shot up, I can put muscle on again etc etc - it's been life-changing.

This (long... apologies) post is to say two things - first, don't just accept simple brush-offs from a GP; and second, get a proper series of blood tests done that check the full spectrum of things (not just testosterone), in particular SHBG and Prolactin levels. Go see a urologist specialising in men's health or an endocrinologist. Good luck and Merry Christmas!

It's not a batshit comment. Withholding sex longterm for no real reason and no attempt to fix it is a common abuse tactic. That is NOT to say that all people who have very low libido are abusive, far from it. But this kind of withholding is one of the tactics of an abuser. It's simply the slip side of sexual coercion, the way that love bombing is the flip side to abuse.

Withholding or forcing sex is all about power and control in abusive relationships. The PP posed a fair question.

Wow, @JackofKent, that is quite the story! I'm glad that things worked out for you. Has the tumour gone now? Sorry about your useless GP. Can't believe she dismissed you when it turned out you had a brain tumour!

You know how it will go over the next few months - the same as it's been for the last few. Why would anything change? I think you should prioritise addressing your unhappiness and push for change. That could take the form of discussions, counselling, arranging a separation, or insisting that he gets a full medical work-up, preferably a private one, in the light of the post above about the brain issue. I'd start with the work-up, and if he's resistant, that will give you more information.

Personally if I was in this situation I'd happily make do with a bullet and a womaniser to satisfy me.

There are some very negative views about dating post-40 on this thread, which is disappointing. That has not been my experience at all. I have dated some gorgeous guys since splitting up with my exh. And so what if she remains single? If you're single, you always have possibilities. At least OP could have wild sex with younger men - she says she's attractive. Relationships are so difficult that sometimes it's best to live without a domestic partner but just have little love affairs...

The people who are having a hard time with online dating need to be more choosy. They also need to cast their nets wider. There are plenty of good men who have come out of marriages with bad partners, just like vice versa.

Regardless, putting up with how OP says she feels because she might not find someone else is a terrible reason to remain in her situation. It would be psychologically much healthier to be single than to live with constant rejection from the one person on earth who's supposed to want you.

I have been in OP's shoes, and being free is so wonderful compared to what I went through that I never want to marry or co-habit with a man again.

I was in this position op and I left.

I was 43, ex partner was 38.

I'm in a relationship the last three years with a wonderful man and I'm so happy I left.

You wouldn't; you'd be heartbroken at all the rejection and your self-esteem would be on the floor, and you'd feel ugly and confused and all manner of other bad things. Until you've been there, you can't imagine being in the vice that longterm marital rejection puts you in. You can't have passion and romance and sexual connection with your spouse, and you can't have it with anyone else, either. So you're thoroughly on your own. It's the loneliest place I've ever been in my life, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

This is wonderful to hear.

@ThatKhakiMoose I'd have to agree with your comment. It is soul destroying to be rejected over and over.

I'm glad I left.

Thank you so much for posting. I just wanted to repost your post because I think it is so important.

Our GP's website began to be more interactive during Covid, helping to funnel requests for attention into GP phone calls, face to face, prescriptions etc. And never having really concerned myself with men's health before I was really struck by how dismissive ED issues were dealt with - or rather not dealt with at all, just treated as a vaguely distasteful annoyance. No wonder some men just quietly switch off and yet it is so closely linked with heart health, never even thought of brain health etc.

So pleased that caught in time for you and what a result! Great advice. Thank you.

@GlassLampshades please read the post by @JackofKent, it just goes to show that your husband having his testosterone levels checked and other health related tests, eg heart health, diabetes etc are well worth doing. In this posters case it was more extreme but it shows just how important it is to get checked out.

Thank you very much! It has gone right down - as I understand it, it's one of those things can keep coming back but is ultimately treatable so should be fine being kept in check long term. I only wish I had known years ago for both of our sakes - it was a total fluke I bothered to get another check up from a private company.

I feel a little bad for the GP - they have a very broad remit and so, well, generalise in their responses - no obvious anomalies in the blood work meant she didn't dig any deeper (I'm sure in part because they're triaging resources). The one place I feel she let me down was when I asked her to give me the actual numbers and refer me to a specialist in men's sexual health (I didn't have a clue which specialty that might be!), and she kept brushing me off. This would have been a private referral on my own dime, so shouldn't have been an issue.

But, as a point of hope for the OP, it sounds like there are quite a few things that could be checked out yet by her husband, this being only one of those things.

I agree with this FWIW. Naturally, I believe every dynamic/couple is different and it's a question of weighing up an individual's overall needs and what else they get out of the relationship. Even I felt the absence left by my lack of desire - my wife had stopped seeing me in that way as a result, which made me feel even guiltier and lesser. It was soul-destroying for her, saved only by our strong friendship. and could so easily have been fatally corrosive for our relationship.

Apologies as I registered really just to add the medical suggestion, not to give my 2p on the relationship side - but if my wife had said "I love you but I am calling it quits" I would have completely and utterly understood. It's taken some work to reconnect those links between us but happily we've been able to.

Believe me, you wouldn't want to be in that situation. It is soul destroying and eats away at you.

If you make no effort or don’t consent to an open marriage, while your spouse has a high sex drive is abusive. I couldn’t do this to anyone. If there was a medical reason I couldn’t then I would open the marriage. I wouldn’t be able to withdraw this from him. If you love someone you want them to be happy.

I am not sure what people are looking for. My OLD experience is not bad at all. Maybe people ask for too much while they don’t have much to offer? I have seen many people asking for a highly educated, handsome, rich man while they do not have to offer much in return.
It’s one thing to not lower the bar but before dating one has to look at themselves in the mirror and question whether their demands are too high compared to what they bring to the table.

It's the inconsistency that gets me with these conversations. Sex is somehow supposed to be SO IMPORTANT that opening the marriage is completely unthinkable. Yet so totally unimportant that it's ok not to have any sex for a year or for many months? That makes no sense.
I'd work on that aspect if I were you, try to get him to see that he sees this as unimportant. It's so unimportant that it should not matter to him whether he "owns" your sex life as the sole other participant.

I think you’d likely find his libido magically recovers if he were to find a new partner.

Also if he can't even talk about this to figure out a plan that isn't just you suffering forever, he maybe isn't all that wonderful..

I don't post on these threads that much any more, because I'm aware that I've never knowingly been cheated on, and because no situation is simple. But certainly for me, sex is absolutely central to my wellbeing. As a widow I dated seriously at 51 and casually from 49, and found a lovely bunch of people online, now including dp who was 54 when we met and the nicest man you could imagine. I also encountered a range of people with relationships of a variety of openness. It is so common I would say it very quickly felt normal. I know it isn't, but it's definitely not rare.

I would try not to rush. Keep talking. But I don't think you have to let go of your desires.

People search their whole lives for what you have. Most of my single friends (also in our early 40's) have simply given up on men because the ones in a dating pool right now are grim and depressing. I wouldn't give up a wonderful partner and dad up for a sexual connection. And the likelihood of you finding a quality man like this with a sexual connection is miniscule at best, usually found in movies and books.

As another poster has pointed out, this is likely to be a short term issue. It's quite common for a woman's libido to go nuclear as a bit of a last hurrah before peri meno kills it. It would be awful to leave your marriage and then find that the problem has resolved itself.

It's not the case for everyone but it is quite common.