Confused about whether to leave happy marriage or not

[GlassLampshades]

Please, please be gentle. I've been going through a lot this past year with teenagers / ill parent, etc, and my mental state is fragile. Basically, seeing my mum become completely incapacitated after an accident this time last year seems to have triggered some sort of mid life crisis / self reflection which is coming to a head now due to the Christmas period which I have always found very stressful and emotional anyway.

I'm also on a two week holiday from a very stressful job which I actually use to avoid confronting any feelings I have so now I have more headspace to actually think things through.

I'm 43. DH is 50. We have been together 18 years and have two teenagers. He's the smartest, kindest, most loving person I could ever hope for. A fantastic husband and father. He's absolutely gorgeous too and very affectionate, generous and great company. We went out last night and had an absolute blast together. We have a lovely house and lifestyle.

The one fly in the ointment is his lack of libido. We have talked and he would be happy to never have sex again. He has no desire at all. Meanwhile mine is through the roof. Being near him is torture because I have such strong desire and there is just nothing from him. He does make a huge effort for me because he knows it's important but his lack of desire is killing me. We can go through the motions but it is not working for me because his heart is not in it.

It's breaking my heart because we love each other and we are soulmates but my need to be with someone who has sexual desire for me is becoming unbearable.

We have talked about it but it's a very painful topic for both of us and there is so much hurt and pain there. I don't think he will agree to opening the marriage. He is willing to split if I decide that I cannot continue in this way. He understands that what I am asking for is not unreasonable in any way but he cannot change how he feels.

I'm just so frightened that I would be throwing away something so wonderful because I want to have sex. It seems so pathetic. And there is no guarantee I would ever meet anyone else who ticks all the boxes.

I'm just confused, anxious and afraid of fucking up my life if I leave, and fucking up my life if I stay.

Any advice gratefully received.

But she's 43! She might not go through menopause for another decade. I wouldn't call that short term.

Even if you can rely on it killing her libido, which you can't.

Sounds like he sees you as his sister. Have you tried re inventing yourself? I would. For a man you are describing

I had a friend with a similar issue in early 40s. She stayed in her marriage and never had an affair. In her early 50s her husband left her for a man.
Her therapist said that it wasn't uncommon for men to be capable of bisexuality in their 20s and 30s, when testosterone levels are higher, and to find themselves only attracted to men (or women) as they get older.

I would think very carefully before you leave your marriage...I threw away a good marriage 10 years ago and deeply regret it now...Im now 50 and only seem to attract men with alcohol issues and other problems.
If i could turn the clock back believe me I would.

He’s not withholding sex though. He’s giving OP lacklustre duty sex.

I think you should give it more time

You may find your own libido diminishes in a few years

Maybe find a secret fuck buddy?

Are you positive he doesn't have a mistress himself?

He has sex with her very rarely. He withholds the vast majority of the time.

Yes, 100% certain.

But surely the fact that he has sex despite not wanting to as a compromise for OP is telling you that he isn’t “withholding” sex. He just doesn’t want it.

Thank you everyone who has commented and offered advice and opinions. I've taken them all in. We had a tough conversation on Christmas eve about how to manage this and the upshot is essentially that we'll be in a platonic relationship going forward. I was devastated but have had time to reflect and have decided it's in my best interests as I essentially have a stable, enjoyable partnership with a good person and that's not something to be taken lightly.

I've stopped being so affectionate.

We didn't discuss opening the relationship. My opinion is now that I am very much open to alternative arrangements and I don't need to discuss those as the nature of our relationship has changed. There is nothing on the horizon anyway so not an issue for right now.

Wow ! My mind boggles that you discussed it and now in a platonic relationship but no mention of how you will get your needs met.

is your DH just burying his head in the sand? Seems mad and very unfair on you.

Find someone to have sex with and feel no guilt.

Yes, you will blow up your life over it and that would be horrendous! I really think you have to take stock here. As you say, you have a great marriage and a lovely husband. To blow this all sky high because you're sex life is unfulfilled is just crazy in my opinion. And to think of finding another sexual partner would be adding more horrendous complications. For a start, there's not a guarantee another sexual partner would fulfil you anyway.

That's very much where I am at in my thinking.

To be completely fair to him he did ask me how I would have my needs met. I said I wouldn't have my needs met.

I have reflected on the situation and feel that he does not need to be involved in or aware of that aspect.

Feel your pain

Have your needs met! If you didn’t broach this on Xmas Eve it would be going on for ages more. Only danger is you might find someone you fall in love with!
He is a selfish bastard though.

This is very sad OP. He has got what he wanted and you haven't. Hardly fair! Would he not even consider seeking medical advice to check testosterone levels etc ? If not that is very selfish. I think you will grow to resent him l'm afraid.

To be completely fair to him he did ask me how I would have my needs met. I said I wouldn't have my needs met

Did he agree to this OP?

Oh @GlassLampshades your last update is so sad.

Your feeling are absolutely valid and I hope it all works out for you.

@Terrribletwos it isn't a great marriage and he isn't a lovely husband

What did he say about a health check?

If he just dismissed it, he is being massively selfish imo.

I would try the therapy, and the therapy may open his mind to the idea of an open marriage if it's suggested by someone else? Or it may fix the issue. Or you may end up realising it's a deal breaker for you.

Worth a try I think.

Op this isn’t a great marriage, you are clearly in a lot of emotional pain, understandably so. How can this be a great relationship when you are in so much pain? You deserve better. Wanting physical connection and to be desired is normal and reasonable.

Why have you decided to not be open about your intention?

I did not know that. Is it peri or menopause?