Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

The girl was 17 and this woman broke down her parents marriage, the OP’s wife needs to give her some grace. I’d leave if she doesn’t.

Why do people keep saying this ? An affair partner doesn’t break marriage vows - the cheating spouse does

Why did your wife (who’d been involved in your marriage break up) think she could have an opinion over your adult son’s degree choices? I’m not surprised his sister was annoyed with her!

Dang OP. You're a doormat. That's your daughter. Your wife is unreasonable. You know there are other women out there right, the wife is replaceable. A daughter isn't. Nor is a son. You're correct in thinking DD matured and from what you've said she's tried even though clearly she doesn't get along with your wife. Good for your DD.
You do know there are more emotionally stable women out there. Women with more love to give. Kind women etc. Just saying.

Even though there could be more than meets the eye here, my children will always come first over family members as they're my people. Clearly the bond with your daughter is strong that its survived this nonsense so far but I definitely do feel sorry for her.

Yeah, you have a wife problem. I imagine she'd not have stuck around for long if it was her sons who were in that predicament, not being able to come see her etc.

Ultimately if your wife continues to refuse to accept your DD, then you have 2 choices. Either you accept your DD won’t be part of your day to day life and as a result may drift away from you, or you leave your wife and get a relationship back with your DD.

It’s your house as well!
your wife should not be ‘banning’ your dd. If she can’t or won’t welcome your dd then she should go out for the day/evening and allow you to host your children in your own home.

It is very controlling to try and manipulate who is allowed in your joint home. Why are you putting up with this op?

Once again women fighting with each other because of men. OP, all this shitshow in your family is your fault. You fucked around and found out there are consequences for your shitty decisions. And now you come on MN and pit your wife and daughter against each other for them to be torn apart by the more unhinged element that lurk on here (admittedly, more so the wife.) Your actions and decisions reflect badly on you so stop trying to make your wife out the villain here to make yourself feel better. Acting the victim in all this leaves a bad taste in the mouth. If you can’t have the cosy grandad life you desire then deal with it. That’s on you, no one else.

I can't believe what I've just read.

I feel incredibly sorry for your DD. Both of her parents had affairs, she was sexually assaulted, had to go through an abortion and then she has an argument with the woman her father had an affair with. She reacted badly, of course! She should have not done it and she should have apologized.

But is everyone missing the fact that she went through a lot of trauma in such a short time?

Your wife on other hand, is not able to move past it years later. I think she was trying to embarrass your daughter by saying she is willing to move past it and then ignored her at family function.

I would not be able to forgive her, unless she grows up and tries to move past it. It's been years.

You have failed your daughter and I am surprised she still wants to be in your life.

What you have described are double standards.

You are expected to forgive her sons and move on, but she won’t do the same for you. She sounds callous and vile. I don’t know why you would marry someone like this. Your poor children. They deserve better.

I think you should tell your wife by behaving so pettily she has now ruined any chance of your DD apologising. I think you should tell her DD will be coming on Boxing Day and she needs to apologise for rudely ignoring DD. Then prime DD that if wife does apologise she should apologise for the drink situation. In any case if DW doesn't want to make up with DD she still shouldn't be banning DD from your house - she can go out for a few hours surely?

Apologies @BeLilacSloth i didn’t meant to quote you in my post to OP just now.

Put your daughter first, divorce your wife and prioritise your child. You and your ex wife certainly weren't doing that when they were teenagers.

I have a similar issues with my father's wife (not an affair partner).

I would never have thrown a drink over her, but we have argued. And she is truly one of the worst people I have ever met. I refuse to have anything to do with her anymore, every time I've tried she's behaved abominably.

As a result, my kids barely see my dad, I barely see my dad and it just could have been so different as otherwise we have a good relationship. He has ruined it by choosing her, it really makes me sad.

He's had other partners who I've loved before her.

No, but they participate in the cheating knowing there are children involved who will be hurt. My friend’s dad’s affair, and subsequent marriage and a child, still hurts 30yrs later. She never forgave her dad and he’s dead now. She carried just as much hate for the affair partner. She didn’t sit there as a teenage and think oh it’s not her fault as she didn’t take the marriage vows. It takes two to tango and children often blame the affair partner more as they obviously love their parent but owe nothing to the affair partner.

This situation is unsalvageable OP. So much damage on both sides.

Personally if someone threw a drink on me, I'd expect a grovelling apology in the intervening 7 years despite what they had been going through. But then I'd never agree to accept an olive branch and then stamp on it.

I agree with others here, your wife is extremely unreasonable and even though she said your DD assaulted her, (somewhat woke attitude!) your wife has treated a child, a child who had her world ripped apart by you and the adulteress, makes one mistake and your wife is trying to erase your DD. That's unacceptable and your wife is accusing her. A drunk can be cleaned up easily, but years of neglecting and manipulative mind games is abuse and your child doesn't deserve that. I'm sorry but for me I'd be telling your wife that your DD won't be erased by her and she either behaves like a grown up or she needs to leave

They’re allowed not to have a relationship. You’re relationship with your DD doesn’t need to suffer. But your wife needs to fuck off out of the house you share when you invite you’re DD and GC over, especially when she’s agreed and then pulled out days before like an asshole

Your daughter made a mistake when she was young and going through what sounds like one of the most traumatic things a woman can experience (on top of dealing with her dad playing happy families with the woman he blew up her family for).

Your wife needs to grow up and stop only thinking about herself. She's punishing both you and your daughter because of something that happened years ago (and while not right, is actually quite understandable in the circumstances. Has your wife ever had to make the decision to abort a baby after SA? I'd imagine your 22 year old daughter wasn't thinking entirely clearly at the time).

In your shoes, it would be an easy decision to make. I wouldn't stay living anywhere that my child wasn't welcome.

Your wife is acting awfully.
She doesn't have time like your daughter, but it's disgusting to not act civil for your sake.
Also, why can she ban her from your house? If she doesn't want her there she can go out when she comes.
If I was in this situation, as much as I love and adore my husband, I would put my kid first.

Not read the whole thread but people simply blaming this woman for breakout if the marriage - while overlooking that DD mum, ops ex, also had an affair first! Their marriage was clearly in trouble before this woman came along

that said, 7 years is a long time to hold a grudge and your wife should offer a path if not to friendship but civility and move on from all the drama

I expect there is a lot more to this than the drink event

Why should just the wife apologise? OP played a very big part in tearing their childhood and family apart as you put it

Yes she should because adult relationships are not the same as parent /child relationships & a (2?) Affair(s?) in a broken marriage in which both sides admit to having not looked after the kids properly is not the "other woman's" fault

OP needs to 100% support his daughter - his wife can 100% how she's spoken to & treated by adult children

Really? Even though the person who threw it was seriously affected by the damage to her family at age 15 in which you were a pivotal reason AND she was going through an especially difficult time with suicide ideation after SA when still a very young adult?

And if course we don't know what was said in that conversation that saw the drink thrown.

Couldn't find a shred of understanding and forgiveness when that same person 7 years later held out an olive branch.

That's spectacularly grudge bearing..

The fact that the wife knows op is terrified of losing his DD and still drives a wedge over this shows her true colours I think.

Yes she has reason to be upset, but nothing that a willing heart (such as the DD showed, who had greater reason to be upset imo), some understanding and communication couldn't solve.

Ypu picked your wife over your dd. I'm surprised she has anything to do with you .

I certainly don't blame her for not wanting anything to do with your wife.

Your wife has been petty and has deliberately pushed your daughter out.

You are going to need to choose...let's hope you make the right decision.

Presuming the step mother wasn't midway through explaining how broken family's are kids fault & sexual assaults are the women's fault @2chocolateoranges is correct that a 22 year old doesn't assualt somebody in there own home

Anyone who presses charges for a drink being thrown at them is a twat. Anyone who throws a drink is an even bigger twat! But still, it's utterly ridiculous to press charges over a drink!