Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

This jumped out at me too. Twice your wife has agreed to speak with your DD, and twice she's thrown a spanner in the works either by ignoring her or changing her mind. That's quite cruel imo.
Tbh i think it's clear she doesn't want to try and move on - whether she really still bears a grudge over the squash throwing incident or whether that's just an excuse because she simply dislikes your daughter i can't say.

You've worked through difficulties with your step children - and that's what family life is about isn't it, esp when families are 'blended', there are often complicated feelings to navigate. But given the ages of all involved now and the fact you're heading into the grandparent/potential grandparent stage.....is this what you want the next couple of decades to be like, only being 'allowed' to meet your DD and DGC in pubs etc? Only you can decide that.

First post nails it as usual

I am worried, I don’t want to lose my daughter- I also don’t want to lose my wife.

of course you don’t want to loose anyone but if it came to it which one could you not live without? It seems fairly obvious that your wife would quite happily let you loose your DD. After 7 years your wife needs to get over it, yes it was not right but it sounds like your DD was in a horrible place mentally at the time. Why is your wife not taking that into account? It’s 7 years could she at least be civil with your DD for your sake? If I could see my DH was so miserable at the situation I’d do something about it considering there was no murder, no big betrayal and only a disagreement about a uni course!!

I'd show your wife this thread. Give her a chance to reflect on her behaviour of not accepting your DD's olive branch. If she is unable to be even civil or leave the house when your DD comes over, I would seriously rethink your relationship.

She can't just erase your daughter from your life. And your future DGC have nothing to do with this, so the fact she would not even allow them in your house is beyond incomprehensible to me.

I think your daughter behaved badly, but I think she has been failed by her family at the time she needed your support the most. I can't imagine going through all this at 22.

Well done for picking an arsehole to cheat with and marry. Suppose it suits her to filter out your children as far as possible. The squash throwing is just an excuse. Someone who wanted harmony would have accepted that as part of getting together with the father after an affair in the end etc . She doesn't want your daughter around. This suits your wife down to the ground. It isn't about forgiveness.

Yes show your wife the thread. She might become defensive or prickly but she is being unfair and unreasonable and might see that from reading these posts. It might highlight how much she has to lose by continuing to behave so badly.

I wonder if the OP ever considered having the conversation with his wife regarding her own DS's behaviour towards him.........it seems her own children aren't 'whiter than white' and the OP appears to have tolerated this and overcome it. Perhaps he should point that out to his prima donna spouse, ell her to get her unforgiving head out of her arse and move on.
No one can change the past but we can all use the present to influence tomorrow.

@GeorgeMichaelsCat said. Your daughter's approach to your wife after all this time should have started with an apology, not small talk at a family gathering. Your daughter is not considering your wife's perfectly reasonable feelings about having a drink thrown over her in her own home, and you're making it worse by expecting her to put these feelings aside without having them acknowledged. If you went along with the family gathering idea you were effectively telling your wife that she had no right to feel as she obviously does.

Two adults should be able to have a conversation along the lines of 'things have gone wrong in the past, there were reasons for some of the things that I did but I still owe you an apology, can we work out a way to go forward for everyone's sake' but a family gathering is not the place for that.

It sounds like they both want to move forward and be civil so wider relationships can repair. There's a lot of bitterness in the responses on this thread with people's personal experiences spilling over.

The only way i can see repair is for your daughter to be supported by you to offer an apology - either written or verbal. Doesn't have to be gushing or verbose but - x, i shouldn't have thrown a drink at you and i am sorry for that. I was hurt and angry at lots of things at the time but realise this doesn't excuse my behaviour and for that i am very sorry.

your wife then needs to accept this (try to talking to her to see if she will/can) and then is the time for forced pleasant small talk

throwing a drink was uncalled for - and i would expect an apology even years later. Yes, lots of hurt and anger but OP is the cause - he had the family commitments and marriage how's to uphold and admits he handled it badly. start handling things right

Dump the wife. Your daughter deserves so much better.

Stop trying to force a relationship.
They obviously dislike each other.

So you think it’s okay for the hag of a wife to ban his children from his own home??? Seriously?

Well they don’t have an affair on their own do they? Yes the affair partner technically doesn’t break marriage vows but they enable it to happen so need to take responsibility for their part in it

For the posters saying well the DD’s mum had an affair first. She is not part of the reason why OPs wife is acting like she is which is the point of the thread. Also she ended her relationship due to the impact it was having on her son. OP does the opposite and marries the affair partner, when it’s his daughter that is feeling the impact

And the I would press charges/never let her in my house again comments about a glass of squash being thrown are pathetic when the incident was done by a young girl who had her world blown apart (by both parents before anyone moans), been SA’d, had to have an abortion and was very likely at the lowest anyone could ever feel. That is not comparable to being embarrassed about having a drink thrown over you

OP I really hope you take a lot of these comments on board, accept your role in messing up your children’s lives back then and continue to do so by sticking with your wife. And yes your wife should read the thread. Maybe it will give an outside perspective in that she did and continues to be partly responsible for this mess that she will take on board.

I would not have any grown adult in my home who threw a drink over me, without an subsequent apology.

Tell your current wife to grow up and stop acting like a child. They don't have to be best friends, just able to coexist in a social situations. Tell your wife to put on her big girl panties and speak to your daughter, arrange a meeting in a neutral place first, five minutes and a quick drink in a pub maybe. Just a quick hello, would your DD apologise for throwing the drink? Unlikely I expect but worth a try. Do they have any interests in common, apart from you, that they might talk about as a neutral topic?

What will they do at your death bed? Wife won't go or daughter won't go? Life's too short sort it out now.

My step mother pulled this stunt with me - I’ve tried to reconcile with my father but couldn’t get over her utter selfishness and lack of personal growth and his cowardice. It caused me untold emotional and mental health issues for many years. I’ve made peace with it now and have nothing to do with either of them. I just can’t forgive them for their appalling behaviour.

if you can live with the terrible effects this will have on your daughter for the rest of her life crack on. Personally I couldn’t live with myself for treating my child with such cold hearted contempt.

I can’t get over the fact you married this woman when things were so strained and damaging to your own relationship with your DD.

I am going to give you my DD perspective in the hope it may help you see it from a kids point of view.

My DD is 13, she does not like her dads partner (no affair or anything). On a couple of occasions she has been really unkind to DD and in both my children’s words she just isn’t a nice person. This is massively complicated by her incredibly complex relationship with her Dad and her belief / feelings that her Dad cares more about his girlfriend and puts her first. After a particularly disastrous summer holiday she told her Dad that if he moved in with his girlfriend she would no longer stay with him. I cannot imagine how upset she would be if he did knowing this.

I tell you this as your wife is minimising what your affair did to your children. You literally chucked a grenade into their lives and YOU married someone knowing how your DD felt. I think you are lucky she talks to you let alone she is willing to make amends with your partner.

@Lolopolo well said. Really sorry that happened to you. A cruel streak in one and cowardice in the other is a terrible combination.

Your wife is petty and nasty. I’d have told her to leave the moment she snubbed your daughter. Can you not see what she’s doing? She’s trying to push your DD out and be top of your affections. She’s purposely making you choose - because she thinks you’ll choose her to keep the peace in your new family.

Don’t let her! Leave her and rebuild your relationship with your daughter before it’s too late.

To be honest, if you show your wife this thread I think the trash will take itself out. She clearly has very limited self awareness and an abundance of self righteousness. I don’t think she will take well to you writing about her online and she certainly won’t take well to hundreds of people highlighting how out of order she is.

It sounds like your daughter hasn't been given an opportunity to apologise for an incident which took place 8 years ago as your current wife is too immature to allow that to happen and therefore has ducked out of all opportunities to encourage that to happen.

Your current wife sounds rather like the step mother in Fleabag. She was utterly unspeakable.

I do think people who have affairs are often selfish, emotionally under developed, entitled narcissists as otherwise why would you break up a family unit for what... sex, money?! I don't understand it myself.

Anyway, you are asking for strategies, i would say to the current wife that it is my home too and i want dd to be able to visit and that she needs to either accept that or be out when she visits.

I would be looking into family therapy or mediation to try to broker some kind of agreement or understanding with DD and current wife. You can speak to Relate about this and also look up family mediation.

I would want to have a very frank chat about the situation with current wife about her behaviour and how she needs to draw a line under it. And if it were me i would be considering whether i would want to continue a relationship with such a mean spirited woman.

I would also want to frankly discuss the issues with DD so she can see you are actually thinking about the problem and trying to address it rather than being a total coward. You are going to lose her if you don't take some kind of action soon.

Your wife sounds really quite nasty and controlling. I would absolutely not accept my DP banning my child from my house under these circumstances, even when they are an adult.

Yes, your daughter was wrong to have thrown the drink. But your wife’s reaction seems to be to try and force you to completely cut your daughter out of YOUR life. Waiting until the last minute to change her mind and tell you to invite your daughter makes it seem like this is more about your wife punishing her, rather than wanting to move forwards. I thought this even before I’d seen the additional information about what a difficult time your poor daughter was going through at this point. She was clearly not in a position to meet her fathers affair partner and family.

It was never going to be easy for any of the children given how the relationship started. Fair play to your ex wife for realising this and ending the relationship with her affair partner.

Not disputing that.

Was questioning why reconciliation would never be possible as the person I responded to said they would 'never forgive it'.

A thrown drink is hardly the only hurt inflicted here, but it is the only crime being held tightly on to by any party.

The good Friday agreement or other similar attempts to bury hatchets would never have happened if the people saying a thrown drink is unforgivable had been in charge.

Invest in a relationship with daugther that doesn't involve your wife.

See your daughter but in neutral areas.

Your wife and daugther don't need to have relationship or meet up. (If they don't get on).

Build the relationship you want with your daughter and ensure your wife respects that.

Set boundaries, that either party cannot speak negativily about the other to you. If they do you will not engage in conversation.