Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

I suspect your wife had no intention of spending time with your daughter the previous time you had arranged for them to meet again or Boxing Day. I think she allowed the anticipation and possibly even guarded excitement that the issue could finally be put to rest, then pulled out last minute because that would be more dramatic and hurtful than saying no when you first suggested it.

Even if it wasn’t planned that way, that’s what has happened.

At 22 your daughter wasn’t fully cooked, as they say, and is now taking a more mature approach whereas your wife just seems vengeful. I think you should put your daughter first and leave your wife if she stands in the way of that, but lord help you if you do because I imagine divorcing her would be a nightmare

As somebody whose father chose his wife over me. He refuses to see me without his wife and expects me to have a fake relationship with her. I just cannot we don’t get on. So in turn he doesn’t see me and has given his relationship up over his kids. And yes that is apparently my fault. Please choose your daughter.

Ban your stepsons from coming over…. Give your nasty wife a taste of her own medicine

It seems your daughter was right a.along about your wife

Someone shagging your dad and breaking up your family is fine but being covered in squash is a red line?

Bloody hell, get some perspective.

OP - your wife needs to grow up. I don’t know how any woman could live with the fact they’d had an affair with a married man and then also deliberately ostracized his children. She isn’t a good person. I appreciate your position is very difficult but for years you have been showing your daughter how unimportant she is, I’m actually surprised she is still interested. She is making an effort with your wife for you- she has little to gain by repeated attempts to reach out to this woman who hates her.
It will not get better with grandchildren.

Very sad, but if you love your daughter as much as you say you do- you know the choice you have to make and it won’t be available to you forever.

Oh come on. I threw a glass of water at my then 15yr old son once. Not my proudest moment, and no excuse, but there was an awful lot going on and a comment he made stung. He is 31 now and we are super close, everyone comments on what a nice relationship we have. Imagine if our relationship ended over a moment of loss of self control. And it was that for me, my 17 and 20yr old will tell you they can’t remember when I ever raised my voice, we are a peaceful household. Sometimes people make mistakes. The girl was 17 and this woman broke down her parents marriage, the OP’s wife needs to give her some grace. I’d leave if she doesn’t.

DD was wrong to throw the drink over DW, and I can perfectly see why that left her embarrassed.

But, DW has now equally humiliated DD in the treatment at the party. Her actions would’ve been obvious to all - much like the drink was. It would’ve taken a lot for DD to swallow her pride and try to move forward, and DW has thrown that back in her face.

DD and DW don’t need to be best friends, but they can be pleasant to one another. However it sounds like your DW is being incredibly childish, and frankly after her behaviour at the party it’s now her job to move the relationship into a more positive phase,

If DW refuses Boxing Day, then I’m afraid that would be the end for me. Too many people prioritise new partners (you let this go on for 7? Years 😏) over their children and it’s wrong. I appreciate DD is an adult but DW is currently in the way of you enjoying the relationship with your DD you both want. DW either needs to change that, or you do. DD can do no more at the is stage.

Given what the subject of the disagreement was - a uni course for your son - I’m thinking that your daughter was probably supporting your son in that situation so how strange that your son and current wife now get on and your wife and daughter don’t
I think you must take your share of responsibility for having let it go on so long - it’s possible that there’s been too much water under the bridge
I can’t see that you’ve explained if your wife knew what was happening for your daughter at the time apologies if I’ve missed that

I was already going to say support your DD, but given this she isn't only holding an unfair grudge, she's a giant hypocrite. All the kids get forgiven their acting out or none do. I wouldn't be risking my relationship with my children for anything, let alone someone who is a hypocrite and can behave like this.

I just wanted to say I think your daughter would be really pleased if she knew you were posting for help here. I am in the same situation except I am the daughter, and both me and my brother have been alienated from our Dad. I was rude, and angry to his new younger partner in my teens and whilst I finished university but I tried to make amends afterwards. It failed and now I see my father only twice a year, and a few times on WhatsApp when he hides in his shed to talk to me and see my children. If i knew he was feeling as you are, it would help with this painful situation.

Life is short. If you want to see more of your daughter, keep trying. And tell her you love her.

Your wife is the problem here. It's entirely understandable that your daughter would resent her in the early days! Honestly, you have a choice to make, your daughter or your wife.

Doesn’t justify the ex wife’s affair either, maybe he was married too 🤷🏼‍♀️ neither parent looks good.

It's interesting that your XW ended her relationship because her DS had a problem with her new partner, whereas your DD had a problem with your partner and you stayed together, got married and sidelined your DD from your life. Maybe it's time to pick your child.

Another vote for team DD. Wife is grim - worth losing your daughter and future grandchildren over?
Petty vile woman. I hope your daughter cuts you off for not prioritising her.

This. You have put your own gratification ahead of your kids for many years now. It's reprehensible. Why are you still with this horrid person?

What exactly is stopping your wife from forgiving your daughter?

Your wife is pathetic & needs to grow up.

your DD was young when she threw the squash at her. She was in a terrible place. WTAF was your wife arguing with your daughter about your son's university choices anyway?? Your wife must have something really off to get that reaction.

DD is nearly 30 now, has offered an olive branch and your wife agreed to accept it, then threw it back in your daughters face at a family gathering - fuck sake why???

why have you allowed your wife to ban your daughter from your home?? She's your daughter for fuck sake.

your daughter is suppose to forgive your now wife for breaking up her family (as she sees it) and yet your wife won't forgive her for throwing a gall is squash over her- do you realise how mad that is???

why have you put up with your daughter being banned from your

really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.
I guess what would you do?

id prioritise my daughter & tell my wife that I've been week & allowed her to come been me & my daughter for far too many years and it stops now. My daughter will be coming & if she can't accept that, she knows where the door is.

The wife didn’t break up the home, OP did that. He broke his marriage vows, not his affair partner. And you seem to have overlooked that his ex wife also had an affair of her own. No one should be grovelling for ‘forgiveness’ here - the adult thing to do would be for DW to try to get along with DD. If that’s not possible, OP needs to stop trying to push them together. You can’t force people to like each other. I doubt it’s simply the drink throwing thing that’s the problem here - l think there’s more than meets the eye.

Tbh, I don't know how you haven't lost respect for your wife since she refused to make amends. Your ex W did the right thing in the end by splitting with her AP, I bet her life has been more harmonious because of it. You will have this turmoil for as long as you put up with your wife's behaviour.
I'd at the very least show your wife that she is cutting off her nose to spite her face. As your DD has her own place, why would you need to see her in pubs and restaurants, could you not just go to hers? I'd say if you want your DD and family to be around your house, and she doesn't like it, then your wife should be the one to make herself scarce for the day. She has the choice to go out to avoid. Stand your ground with her, because at the moment, you are being quite week. Tell her your family are all coming round, and if she doesn't like it, she can go elsewhere for the day.
I'm wondering how it goes down at Christmas? You could show her how unreasonable she is being by spending Christmas with your family, minus her. If exclusion and separation is what she wants, then let her have it, not your DD, shes been punished more than enough. Let her feel the exclusion she has been causing your DD. Your DD and you should not be missing out, it's your wife who should miss out due to her own lack of emotional maturity, until she either has comes to her senses or leaves - it comes down to those 2 choices for her. Says something if she'd rather split with you than back down.

I agree with others, your daughter sounds like she’s been through hell and is trying to be mature and make amends. Your wife sounds like a game player. She agrees to meet your daughter and then keeps bailing. She sounds very immature. 22 is still very young , particularly with a difficult background to contend with.

If you want to meet your daughter in your own home and have your grandchildren visit, you need to think hard about whether your wife is the problem. She doesn’t sound like a nice person.

I don't know why people think that a harmonious loving family unit is something everyone will naturally drift towards without any effort, given enough time.

If there’s messy, shitty behaviour, it needs mutual genuine apologies and for people to actually love each other enough to get back to that harmonious picture you’re dreaming of. Even then, you can’t bounce back from everything. Otherwise people stay pissed off and grow apart and they have less and less in common as time goes by until one day it’s irreparable. That’s where you are now. I think op you have to accept that you won’t get what you want if you’re expecting your wife and daughter to get along.

Best of luck to all of you esp. your daughter.

Here's to your daughter meeting a lovely partner, and building a loving, stable family away from all you crazy fuckers.

Throwing a drink over someone is not an assault so your wife is over- reacting massively. Also given what DD went through, surely wife can see she was in such a low place?
I feel for your DD, she’s tried to make up and be friendly, your wife sounds like a petty drama queen.
OP you need to either insist that DD comes to the house or divorce your wife, you can’t carry on like this

Your wife is full of pride. That’s what is stopping her forgiving.

Your daughter has been through so much. My sympathies are with her. All the best x