Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

Sounds like your daughter is a better judge of character than you are and had good reason to dislike your wife 🤷‍♀️

If someone threw a drink over me they'd not be welcome in my home again No matter if they were my DHs DD

I think you need to ask yourself what benefit your wife gets by keeping a wedge between you and your daughter.

What a home wrecking manipulative and nasty person she is. She won’t read this thread, sadly beyond a few posts.

She needs to know it’s a deal breaker for you if she doesn’t sort her behaviour out properly.

it sounds as if you’d be better off without her if you are serious about spending time with DD.

Your kids have been treated dreadfully by you and your ex wife and your current wife. Fgs put your daughter first for the first time in over 12 years.

You’re right. This man should divorce his Wife and uproot his entire life because strangers on the internet who don’t know the full story say so. 🙄 No one is keeping a father and daughter apart. There’s a rift that needs healing on all sides… are you the daughter? 😆

Honestly at 22 I'd not forgive her for an assault & there's a difference between making amends & walking up to somebody as if nothing has happened & being willing to apologize if they play along. So I can see how her "hi" at a party might have been misinterpreted compared too "do you have a minute, I would like to reconnect/talk"

But also I would support her getting help for her mental health seperately obviously nobody deserves to be sexually assaulted

There's no reason to invite her from boxing day & I think you should just leave your wife out of it your daughter is almost 30 Afterall

Stop trying to get your DD to make friends with the woman who broke up her parents' marriage. The fact you thought that was a good idea in the first place is bonkers.

Make a choice now. Your wife or your daughter. I would always choose my children and cannot imagine not being able to have them in my own home.

Well the wife was presumably older than 22 when she had the affair with the OP, so should she be forgiven?

I think the only way to move forward is for both the OP and his now wife to acknowledge the hurt this girl was suffering at the time partly due to them.

I cannot imagine not be allowed in my dad’s home & the message that would send about my place on his life.

No 1 rule of parenting as far as I’m concerned, the kids didn’t ask to be born, you brought them into this world, it’s on you to put them first.

The girl needed trauma counselling, not some entitied woman commenting about uni choices.

I only hope that one day your daughter will be able to move on after all this horror she experienced from you and your wife and live her life fully, without expecting any sort of support from you. If you've chosen to be comfortable in this situation for years, you are likely to continue being so and nothing people say here will change this.

I find it hilarious that your wife can't forgive your DD for throwing a drink at her, but she can forgive herself for having an affair with a married man that eventually broke a family.

Your wife sounds awful. I’m sure her lack of empathy hurts you in other ways too but some would say it’s karma. She didn’t care about having an affair with a married man and now she doesn’t care about building bridges with your daughter or making you happy.

People who have affairs and wreck their marriages often cling to the affair partner way beyond when the relationship should end because they don't want to admit they wrecked their marriage for a flash in the pan and need to make it 'mean something'. Sounds like that's what you did. You moved in with your affair partner when you left your wife (why??) and married her despite your daughter being so angry and hurt. And you've compounded this for 7 years! How is your marriage other than this issue with DD?

My other half had grown up children when we met. I was not the OW.
However, we’ve had our differences and one instance really, really hurt me. My partner backed me, however, I moved on from it.
One of his DC would have to do something serious for me to cut contact, and I think throwing a drink is really bad.
However, if the son/daughter in question was going through a terrible time, it was an isolated incident, and we were both fine to move on from it, I would never want my partner to not have his kids in our home.
The DD in question here has been through a lot and that should be taken into account.
She is not a child, or moving into her dad’s home, so it’s really just a case of welcoming her and the GC for visits. It’s not such a big deal, and if it were me, I would see how important it was for my partner to be happy.
I think it would have been far better to invite the DD to meet the wife in the family home, but not at a party. An apology could have been offered in private, and it would be more meaningful than a chat at a party.
And I think the wife should apologise for not being more supportive when this young woman was clearly struggling. Having an abortion and then a S.A. is truly awful.
I would never want my partner to feel he had to choose between me and one of his kids. Bar serious drug issues or criminal behaviour, I would always want to welcome his family into our home.

Yep, I agree.

and if she truly wasn’t ready to forgive OP’s DD she should have made this clear in advance. Instead of ignoring somebody who is trying to apologise and make amends!

OP’s wife sounds horrible! OP needs to make it clear that he prioritises his daughter and the relationship with her.

Nothing can replace your own children.

While it's possible to move on to a new partner, as you've already done.

It’s your choice to sever the unique bond with your children, or treasure it.

Good point, not only that but the two teenagers had to deal with not only the breakdown of their home but both their parents moving in with the affair partners.

Why did either of you think that was appropriate?

What did you expect of the kids?

I mean, if the daughter got blanked right after saying hello, it doesn't sound like the wife gave her much of a chance to apologise, the conversation didn't have a chance to start.

wife threatens to leave Help her pack.

Your post reminds me of a quote from An Orphan's Tale:

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.
A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.
There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That's how awful the loss is.

Children are forever, they didn't choose to be born, if one have children it's their life long duty to put them as their priority, sure the person has the right to start a new relationship with someone else, but unless their children is very clearly trying to sabotage the relationship with malicious intent, if everything falls apart and one is forced to chose a side then the children should always be the obvious choice.

So, I had a very similar dynamic growing up (with the perspective of being your daughter). The wife isn't all bad, but similar to your situation, hasn't really done much personal growth, but over 10-20 years I however feel I've done an awful lot.

Anyway, I now have a strained relationship with my father as he chose his wife. I am civil, but continue to feel unloved and undervalued. It's been a hard journey to accept that my Father just doesn't value our relationship as much as he values that with his wife. He doesn't see his grandchildren much (mainly because he makes little effort) but it isn't the family I'd envisioned as a child and hurts me deeply.

I completely agree. Everyone is piling on the woman for not forgiving, but there has been no apology. I'm sure an apology would be expected in any other scenario, if the victim wasn't a stepmum.

Honestly your wife is not a great person contributed to breaking up a family. She is fighting with your DD because she threw a drink. She deserved much more than a drink dumped on her she is a very horrid person. Homewreckers deserve all the misery their lives become. Honestly totally sub human beings.

Your DD has been through a lot of trauma and is still showing up and trying. Your wife causes a lot of trauma and is all like OH I'm the victim. Maybe she does need a reality check in the form of. Please leave her and let her experience the utter heartbreak she bestowed on your family.

Also your a yucky person. Your a crappy husband father and just an utter disgrace with your lack of backbone.

This is why people shouldn't have affairs and defiantly don't ever marry an affair partner they are defective humans don't tie yourself to them.

You really have only 3 options:

1. accept the status quo as it is. Meet your daughter away from the house you share with your wife, and no longer try to make them meet up.
2. keep forcing the issue causing further conflict between your daughter and wife, and possibly lose your daughter.
3. decide to leave your wife or cut off contact with your daughter.

To me the easiest option is 1. But I would find it hard to not blame my wife for her unforgiving behaviour, and this would damage my relationship with her.

No - the days of women as jezebels and harlots and leading men astray and being the sole reason marriages break up should be long gone! No need for the wife to abase herself for marrying the father