Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

@the7Vabo I totally agree, my SD wanted her dad's time, I didn't feel the need to be an unwanted 3rd wheel unless asked. There are things she has spoken to me about over the years that she can't talk to family about as I listen and don't push advice. I also have no idea what being a parent is about but I do know how to be a friend.
I come from a really fucked up family, I always thought my parents would eventually grow up, step up, stop drinking, behave like parents, they never did but they certainly expected me to look after them in later life. I cut them out my life for my own sanity. Some parents are just selfish, self seeking twats. Childhood trauma cuts deep with ongoing anxiety into adulthood. As a pp said she would have done more than throw a drink 👍

Why weren’t either of these parents out buying GCSE revision books or focusing on whatever the kids needed at the time. Maybe if they’d focused on their kids their DD wouldn’t have to deal with all this crap.

Wife could have stopped tormenting the girl who had recently been raped and gone through an abortion when she saw how upset she was getting.

One was an emotional reaction borne out of desperation, the other was a deliberate campaign of provocation.

FWIW I think the wife probably got the reaction she was looking for and milked it for all it was worth.

How lovely to have all that sympathy from the girls own family and have them see with their own eyes how terribly she gets treated. Wonderful that they sided with her. Really shows daughter who’s more important in the family now.

I appauld you for recognising what your step-daughter needs from her father, and letting them at it.
Agree it can be difficult it not impossible to move on from being let down by parents.

The DD sounds incredibly resilient.

Imagine being 17 probably hoping for your own first relationship etc and then having to deal with both parents playing away, and then having the affair partners being forced on you.

Although I got involved with my husband several years after his divorce and he was single and his children were adults, his dd was awful to me several times which was instigated by her mum. Some of the things she did was terrible however as I love my DH, I have always acted kind towards his dd and never held a grudge. Sometimes you have to move on as my dh's happiness is important to me and people make mistakes.

Yet mum's affair didn't break the marriage up, as it was a year before the dad's affair, so they obviously stayed together after the mum's affair.

Please read the OP!

Oh sorry so the marriage was perfect after mums affair, she’s a saint! She was the catalyst in all this! Dad probably tried to forgive then decided marriage wasn’t worth saving. All adults were at fault here but still no excuse for daughters behaviour! She lost control and didn’t apologise.

some children have shit lives and their parents put them through hell but they don’t lose control and throw drinks at others. She needs to grow up.

I’m a woman.

My post proves nothing except that I wouldn’t have an affair and abhor those who do.

I haven’t raised the ex wife’s affair because it is irrelevant to this thread. Her affair doesn’t excuse the subsequent affair and we are here to discuss the OP’s wife and daughter.

As an aside, I think men who engage in affairs are equally bad. I’m an equal opportunities judgemental cow when it comes to cheating.

Perhaps the wife can write the first letter as she was the first to wrong the other party?

And she DID grow up! Its the wife that has not grown up! As many PPs on here said, the only one who comes out of this looking mature and grown up is the daughter.

It was a glass of orange squash FFS, she didn’t blind anyone. It was 8 years ago, at a time when not only was she not a grown up,
according to neuroscience she was severely traumatised and had to deal with this entitled women commenting on her little brother’s life choices.
The DD snapped in a moment of anger, the OP’s wife made a concision series of choices to have an affair with a married man, move in with him, and then effectively ban the DD from her father’s house all while the OP has tolerated immature behaviour from her children.

@2chocolateoranges I'm really struggling to see your perspective. You have two women here:

• one who has embarked on a relationship with a married man and is a major factor in the breakdown of a family and a marriage, who is arguing about something which has nothing to do with her, with a young rape victim who had an abortion only weeks earlier

• one whose family has been destroyed, has been raped, has had an abortion and is now being told by the wicked step mother what is right for her brother

and you think it's a matter of all have done wrong but especially the daughter because of some flying squash? Because she got a bit wet and had to change her clothes?

Fucking hell this woman has acted deplorably and chooses some cordial as the hill to die on. While the daughter has grown up, this woman has clearly failed to!

A lot of people posting sound unhinged and there seems to be a lot of projection on this thread, be it from step children or women whose partner/husband had an affair and left. No one comes out well in this situation but what's done is done, you cannot force a relationship between your daughter and your wife. For everyone's sake it may be best to keep them separate and see your daughter outside your home OP. Gosh what a mess

@vibratosprigato
Exactly
I can only wonder if these poster , defending the ow / step mum , are Infact , or have been ow.
Infact that bit completely pails , to dd's trauma
I just Hope DD's mum has got her back.

It seems that many people would be able to pretend that having a drink thrown over them in their own home never happened. It did happen and your wife, and many of your family, fell that she is owed an apology. It's not an unreasonable thing to feel and it's irrelevant whether you or anyone else would feel the same. You have not acknowledged this to her, on the contrary you have minimised her feelings by condoning your daughter's point blank refusal to apologise, even now.

Do you think that no-one should ever apologise for hurt caused in the past, even if they were responsible but not to blame? This is not a universal view, otherwise there would be no talk of apologies for colonialism and slavery. Your wife needs acknowledgement of her hurt, she may not get it from her daughter but she should at least be getting it from you. Instead, you're asking her to just forget about it.

Can your daughter recognise that she was in a bad place and she did things that she should not have done? If so, what's stopping her saying so? That would go a long way.

Your wife may find it possible to forgive your daughter without an apology but she will find it harder to forgive you for completely disregarding her feelings.

You married a woman your daughter wasn't even speaking to.

You allowed that woman to ban your daughter from your home.

And you're continuing to choose that woman over your daughter by remaining in a relationship with her and hand wringing about it instead of telling her that your daughter is welcome in your home and she doesn't get to unilaterally decide otherwise.

Your daughter, who said hello and was ignored. Who agreed to come for Boxing Day and has now been rejected again.

All this after you had an affair with said woman.

Was she worth it?

@2chocolateoranges

Personally , I wouldn’t ever forgive someone who threw a drink over me!

Even if they were a teenager whose dad you had an affair with, who had had her parents split as a result of that affair quickly followed by a rape and as a result a termination?

You'd be as spiteful and immature as OP's wife sounds then tbh.

Has your daughter actually apologised to your wife or did she just say hello and expect your wife to forget being humiliated in front of her family? I'm not a fan of stepmothers but I personally think your daughter was out of order and at the very least she should have apologised or even written a letter to her to say sorry for what she did - you can't expect someone to forget something like that. If you can't get them talking you either divorce or live with it. Is she is good wife in other respects?

Another daughter here that no longer has anything to do with her father after he got remarried to a woman who deliberately created unnecessary drama and controlled his every move. Me being out of his life suited her down to the ground and it's only very recently that they've been in touch because he is another one with dementia.
She wants help but that ship has sailed, you reap what you sow.

The feeling that he knowingly chose her and her family over his own kids has never left (and I'm 52 now).
He hasn't seen his grandkids for over 10 years as he chose not to.
Op, you are a shitty, pathetic excuse for a father.

I have no words, apart from your wife is disgraceful. She’s a heartless bully.

Why are you focusing on the drink throw as though it happened in a vacuum, rather than looking at it in the context of the major wrong doing of all 4 adults in the daughter's life at the time, and her rape & subsequent abortion?

Yes it was wrong to throw the drink, but if apologies are being handed out for the long list of fuckery that occurred in this young woman's family, the drink throw is the least of the problems!

Absolutely this.

OP you’ve pretty much prioritised keeping your OW and your dick happy over your own DD and the whole mess is of your own making.

You sound like a weak and pathetic man who is allowing this spiteful manipulative woman to drag you round by the balls while you wring your hands and play the poor me card.

Start putting your DD first before you lose her and you’re stuck with no one but your witch of a wife.

You've got a very emotionally inept and self-centered wife.

You must make a stand for your poor DD, and stick to Boxing Day with both of your children and grandchild and have it somewhere else.

Whatever it takes, but leave your horrible damaging and cruel wife at home. She's caused enough heart ache in your family.

Your current wife happily shagged you when you were a married man and father to a 15yo and 17yo. She therefore can’t take the moral high ground over the juice throwing incident, or indeed over any reconciliation.

the drink was squash - not boiling tea in her face. She’s acting like your dd intended serious harm. Most likely your dd intended to send the message of fuck off you horrible cow as opposed to I hope this boiling drink gives you second degree burns. Your wife can whinge all she likes about this squash incident being assault and saying the law is on her side. But adultery is 1000x more harmful than being drenched in squash.

I have to say that your wife sounds like a fucking princess. Her behaviour has been atrocious, particularly reneging on reconciliations both times. Your dd has experienced serious harm - family smashed up at an important point in her life, SA, abortion… if I was your dd I would never speak to your wife again - and you would be on thin ice as well for letting this woman say that your child is banned from the house.

I’d love to throw a pint of squash over my stepmother - she shagged my father when I was a teen and had been a manipulative cow ever since. However, I haven’t done anything to her - the situation is actually that I haven’t spoken to either her or my father for 5 years. They haven’t seen my children during that time and my life is much better without them. It’s very much their loss.