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Original poster

Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

536 replies

Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:28

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

OP posts:
IdylicDay · 22/12/2024 09:43

theallotmentqueen · 22/12/2024 09:18

Already posted but I’ll add another thought: how was your wife treating your daughter before the whole throwing drinks incident? Was she genuinely trying her hardest to be kind to your daughter? Was she offering your daughter sympathy, kindness and support after her traumatic experience? Were they close?

something I can’t get past is the fact that your wife was hassling your daughter about uni so recently after the abortion. I just can’t understand it honestly. I also happen to be an SA victim and I can tell you 4 weeks after SA is not the time to get into an unnecessary argument. It sounds like your daughter was in a particularly violent case, and the experience of someone being aggressive towards her and possibly even shouting probably triggered her. It personally still triggers me even if someone’s body language is aggressive 10 years after the fact. I might be reaching here, but to me that statement alone suggests something is up.

  • it was none of your wife’s business anyway and her insistence that your daughter was doing the ‘wrong’ course was totally out of line. That’s not for your wife to decide or bring up.
  • its not like an argument starts and then 5 seconds later someone throws a drink. I bet that drink throw came after ages of hassling, harrassing and your wife not letting the subject go. This is entirely conjecture, but I imagine that your daughter might have asked your wife to let the subject go/leave her alone several times before she threw the drink.

to me, the fact that your wife was willing to aggravate a traumatised young woman suggests that she wasn’t treating your daughter particularly well to begin with.

this is not to say your daughter was justifying in throwing a drink. I truly do understand that that’s a horrible thing to happen which was deeply humiliating and hurtful to your wife. No one is ever justified in that behaviour and your daughter should apologise. But that said, what caused your daughter to throw the drink? Was it a random incident? Or was it the result of exhaustion, trauma, and wanting your wife to stop arguing with her and leave her alone?

Edited

Exactly. A person doesn't throw a drink out of nowhere. The wife clearly pushed and pushed and abused the daughter.

Chillilounger · 22/12/2024 09:43

The mistake you made was getting married before all this was resolved. You didn't and made a clear choice which by the sounds of it you are now regretting.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 22/12/2024 09:46

Your wife is toxic and emotionally abusive. She knows you want to have a good relationship with your daughter so dangles enough of a carrot over you (agreeing to see DD, make amends) to keep you happy, then snatches it away to have you begging and pleading and giving her all the power and playing on your biggest fear of losing your daughter.
She needs some serious counselling. And if she doesn’t do that I’m sorry to say you really need to reevaluate your marriage.
As well as your daughter suffering, you eventually will too when you get to your winter years and your wife has driven everyone you care about away from you. It will be a very lonely way to see out your days.

IdylicDay · 22/12/2024 09:49

the7Vabo · 22/12/2024 09:22

Because his 22 year old daughter had just been SA, the one time he seems to have vaguely put his daughter’s needs first.

This man essentially abandoned his children when they needed him and so did his ex. Not only did they not have a family home they had no home with either parent where they could live without not only a stranger but a person who helped break-up their family.

People are acting like orange squash is a huge red line, but adultery and breaking up a family home is just BAU.

I can almost guarantee this poor girl sobs about how abandoned she feels by her father.

Show quote history

Very well said. My heart also breaks for that poor daughter. Also also as a rape survivor myself. If some dirty bitch inserted herself in my and my brother's school life, hounding and harassing me and wouldn't let up within mere days/weeks of me being raped, I can imagine myself lashing out like a scared animal to get away from her too. But with me, it would not be something as innocuous as throwing squash. I would be really ready to throw down and lay that bitch down. And I mean it.

Opaquesnake · 22/12/2024 09:53

I don’t think the daughter has had a chance to apologise. The wife refused to speak to her when she said hello. I would go as far as saying that the wife does not actually want the daughter to apologise.

Obviously we don’t know if she was actually planning to apologise or not when she said hello, but if the wife hadn’t ignored her and she had then gone on to apologise, then this would have taken the wife’s power away.

The next time that the wife refused to allow the daughter into the house then the OP would have said “but she’s apologised now, time to move on.” Clearly the wife doesn’t t want to move on, she wants to be able to veto the daughters presence indefinitely until the daughter inevitably gives up and walks away from her father.

the7Vabo · 22/12/2024 09:53

IdylicDay · 22/12/2024 09:37

Her mother's affair didn't cause this situation with OP's wife and daughter.

Show quote history

100% but there is plenty of poor behaviour on the part of all the adults and no one seems to have put the kids first.

ohdelay · 22/12/2024 09:57

Your daughter isn't sorry for assaulting your wife years ago and they hate each other. There is no resolution. You're going to have learn to live parallel lives with each of them or cut one loose. Unlike everyone else on here I don't think your wife is the big bad, your daughter assaulted her, she doesn't have to pretend to play nice. Your problem.

TammyJones · 22/12/2024 09:57

BefuddledCrumble · 22/12/2024 01:05

It's always a wonder when men are surprised that a woman who would pursue or accept a married man turm out to be, shock horror, selfish, immature and horrible people.

What were you expecting? A loving, decent and kind woman?

How did you think a woman like that was going to treat children that aren't hers?

It would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic, and so damaging for the poor kids.

I hate to judge but got to agree
My ex's new wife (4 month overlapp ow) eventually showed her true colours - demeaning ex , saying nasty stuff to dd
Felt sorry for him in the end - and then she divorced him.
My step mum ( not ow ) once took offence over some miscommunication and told me off OTT style (dad thought this too , I did apologise though , but I felt secure enough about dad , so only did it for him - she did look after Dad very well- and I always appreciated that).
I just wonder if these second wives just feel super insecure or something (jealousy maybe).
I'm team daughter here.
She never asked for any of this.
You are so important to her.

IdylicDay · 22/12/2024 09:58

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 22/12/2024 09:30

The daughter had plenty of opportunity in the previous 7 years to apologise. She has been ignoring the issue for years and her attempt to make some small talk at a family gathering would have seemed like more of the same. Choosing not to make superficial conversation with someone you feel has wronged you is not the same as not allowing them to apologise.

Um, you kind of need to say 'hello' first, before you apologise.

And the wife had 7 years to apologise for her despicable behaviour towards to poor girl too, she hasn't bothered either.

TammyJones · 22/12/2024 09:58

WishinAndHopin · 22/12/2024 01:07

This is a really small thing to hold a grudge about, especially as it was such a long time ago and your daughter was trying to patch things up.

Your wife is totally in the wrong and preventing you from having a normal relationship with your daughter is reprehensible.

Both your children have been through a lot in late childhood/early adulthood thanks to their parents' infidelity. After all these years it's time to put your own flesh and blood first and put your foot down with your petty, spiteful, grudge-holding wife.

In a nutshell- your wife needs to grow up.

Diarygirlqueen · 22/12/2024 10:01

Your wife broke up her family.
Step up and put your daughter first. Banned from her home! Really?!
Your wife sounds petty, spiteful and cruel.
And you sound weak.

Gem359 · 22/12/2024 10:04

You have never prioritised your daughter through any of this. You've prioritised yourself and your affair partner/wife. Your poor kids caught in the middle of all this shit.

Autumnblackberries · 22/12/2024 10:08

Gem359 · 22/12/2024 10:04

You have never prioritised your daughter through any of this. You've prioritised yourself and your affair partner/wife. Your poor kids caught in the middle of all this shit.

This!

diddl · 22/12/2024 10:10

Exactly. A person doesn't throw a drink out of nowhere. The wife clearly pushed and pushed and abused the daughter.

The daughter could have walked away before throwing the water.

binkie163 · 22/12/2024 10:10

Yep and I bet in another 20-30 years the op will be expecting the daughter to step up with elderly care for him and wife. It is usually the daughters they rely on, not the sons. Or if wife leaves him he will want daughter around to help him.

I never had kids and certainly didn't want to be a step mum to a stroppy 18 year old step daughter but you suck it up. Husband was divorced years before he met me. She didn't live with us and had her own life, we were always there if she needed/wanted support or money. Go shopping, supported her through her pregnancy. We were not invited to her wedding as her mum was there. You just roll with it. She would shove me out the way if husband held my hand, act like the Catherine tate teenager even in her 30's! I didn't take it personally. Mostly I arranged fun weekends away for her and dad few times a year. I didn't feel the need be there unless asked, it was dad and daughter time. I am a great believer in throwing money at problems, ruined hair book repair appt I will pay, need ridiculous lady gaga donkey hoof shoes, no problem. I didn't pretend to be her mum but she could rely on me, especially if she couldn't talk to dad about something.
You and your wife need to grow up and give your heads a wobble. Preferential treatment of wife's sons is a wound that may never heal for your daughter. You are bit of a shit dad tbh.

Candy24 · 22/12/2024 10:29

I mean what can you expect from a woman(wife) with no morals......

StormingNorman · 22/12/2024 10:31

Ratisshortforratthew · 22/12/2024 01:43

The reductive black and white thinking that comes up every time a female affair partner is mentioned is incredibly tedious. There isn’t a dividing line between “nice, good, kind” women and “trash, garbage, selfish whores who have affairs”. Newsflash: people can be selfish and thoughtless and whatever else sometimes as well as being nice and kind at other times. People contain multitudes. What’s the obsession with women having to be kind anyway? What’s actually wrong with some women being selfish and stubborn? Why don’t these silly attitudes extend to the daughter’s mum who also had an affair? I wonder, maybe because there’s a high proportion of women who’ve been cheated on here and find it easier to paint the other woman as Satan incarnate rather than accept their partners made the choice to have an affair. Yes, I’ve been cheated on. I grew out of blaming the woman by the time I was about 21.

Women can be whatever they want, but we also have to own our shit. Behave badly and expect the same in return. Don’t expect to be treated well if you do t treat others well.

2chocolateoranges · 22/12/2024 10:33

Zanatdy · 22/12/2024 06:28

Oh come on. I threw a glass of water at my then 15yr old son once. Not my proudest moment, and no excuse, but there was an awful lot going on and a comment he made stung. He is 31 now and we are super close, everyone comments on what a nice relationship we have. Imagine if our relationship ended over a moment of loss of self control. And it was that for me, my 17 and 20yr old will tell you they can’t remember when I ever raised my voice, we are a peaceful household. Sometimes people make mistakes. The girl was 17 and this woman broke down her parents marriage, the OP’s wife needs to give her some grace. I’d leave if she doesn’t.

Show quote history

Mum had the affair first, mum broke the marriage up!

please read the OP.

the7Vabo · 22/12/2024 10:36

binkie163 · 22/12/2024 10:10

Yep and I bet in another 20-30 years the op will be expecting the daughter to step up with elderly care for him and wife. It is usually the daughters they rely on, not the sons. Or if wife leaves him he will want daughter around to help him.

I never had kids and certainly didn't want to be a step mum to a stroppy 18 year old step daughter but you suck it up. Husband was divorced years before he met me. She didn't live with us and had her own life, we were always there if she needed/wanted support or money. Go shopping, supported her through her pregnancy. We were not invited to her wedding as her mum was there. You just roll with it. She would shove me out the way if husband held my hand, act like the Catherine tate teenager even in her 30's! I didn't take it personally. Mostly I arranged fun weekends away for her and dad few times a year. I didn't feel the need be there unless asked, it was dad and daughter time. I am a great believer in throwing money at problems, ruined hair book repair appt I will pay, need ridiculous lady gaga donkey hoof shoes, no problem. I didn't pretend to be her mum but she could rely on me, especially if she couldn't talk to dad about something.
You and your wife need to grow up and give your heads a wobble. Preferential treatment of wife's sons is a wound that may never heal for your daughter. You are bit of a shit dad tbh.

I think this is why a lot of step-parent relationships don’t work, because often the step-parent just has to be prepared to suck it up.

What minor and adult children want is their parents, love, support and attention from the people who created them. They mostly just don’t want to deal with step-parents.

This SM actually helped break-up the DD’s family and won’t let go of one incident 8 years ago that happened when the DD was barley an adult and having what was likely the worst week of her life. Despite the fact that her husband has let stuff her kids have done go.

TammyJones · 22/12/2024 10:52

Rokubox · 22/12/2024 01:40

Thank you all again, I just wanted to be completely honest. I am worried, I don’t want to lose my daughter- I also don’t want to lose my wife. Of course I’m desperate to find a middle ground but perhaps need to accept that one cannot be found. I came on here expecting judgement but also for advice to move forward.

DD was wrong for throwing the drink and she didn’t get off lightly. She got a lot of messages from my family members who were there who disapproved of what she had done (cousins, aunts) and my wife’s son messaged her as well. I, admit, was less harsh on her. She’s my daughter and she struggled at the time. I don’t want to air her laundry but she had just had an abortion following a SA weeks before. She’s refused to apologise and I didn’t push it because of what I put her through (divorce) and because of what she had been through. My wife was never happy I didn’t force an apology.

it’s just it’s been almost 8 years now, everyone is different and older and wiser and I was hoping I guess for my sake the most (wrongly or rightly) that things could move forward.

Your poor daughter
She couldn't have been in her right mind going through all that.
And your wife started an argument with her and kept it going?
I hope your dd has had some therapy to help with such trauma and lots of loving support from her mum and you over that experience.
(The sa and termination)

That's huge

StormingNorman · 22/12/2024 11:05

Lavender14 · 22/12/2024 02:34

Why has she only acknowledged this and apologised to your ds?

Tbh your wife sounds like a narcissist. To know that she's been 1/4 of the reason why dds family was ruined, that she'd been through two such recent and brutal traumas in short succession and to then say she'd make amends only to humiliate your dd in front of people? It sounds like your wife was embarrassed by the drink throwing in front of others and she wanted to take the opportunity to spite dd and embarrass her in front of others as well - petty and nasty. At least your dd had an excuse for her behaviour, your wife just sounds like she's been spiteful. And to then agree to your dd coming on boxing day to then uninvite her again sounds like being petty and self centered. I'm not sure how good a wife she is when she's forcing you into a position to choose her over your dd, but then maybe she got a kick out of you choosing her over your family first time round and likes to see you choose her over them again and again - which you've been playing along with. You've repeatedly chosen this woman over your dd and her wellbeing for the last 13 years. My guess is she doesn't want to share you with any other woman including your dd and is quite a jealous and controlling person. I wouldn't still be with someone who made me choose between them and my ds and gc. I cannot believe you've gone along with that for so long your poor dd. I can't imagine what that would do to your self worth.

Show quote history

100% this. New wives and girlfriends being jealous of daughters is a tale as old as time. She is enjoying controlling you and having you send your daughter the message that she is number one.

The only way forward for you is tell your wife it ends now and your daughter will always be welcome in your home.

Take your balls back!

Dery · 22/12/2024 11:06

Agree with most PPs - throwing a drink at your wife was wrong but hounding your daughter so much when she’d been through a rape and an abortion was monstrous behaviour. Why did your wife think it was okay to argue with your DD about her uni course?

You can’t put back time but marrying your wife while this was unresolved and allowing your DD to be excluded from your home for years - that was absolutely shitty of you. A complete betrayal of your DD because it was more important to you to keep your wife sweet than to back your DD. You have a lot of hard work ahead of you to put this right and that involves backing your DD ahead of your wife.

StormingNorman · 22/12/2024 11:09

2chocolateoranges · 22/12/2024 10:33

Mum had the affair first, mum broke the marriage up!

please read the OP.

Show quote history

Mum having an affair doesn’t excuse anybody else’s behaviour and we are here to discuss dad’s situation so mum’s affair is irrelevant to this thread.

the7Vabo · 22/12/2024 11:12

Dery · 22/12/2024 11:06

Agree with most PPs - throwing a drink at your wife was wrong but hounding your daughter so much when she’d been through a rape and an abortion was monstrous behaviour. Why did your wife think it was okay to argue with your DD about her uni course?

You can’t put back time but marrying your wife while this was unresolved and allowing your DD to be excluded from your home for years - that was absolutely shitty of you. A complete betrayal of your DD because it was more important to you to keep your wife sweet than to back your DD. You have a lot of hard work ahead of you to put this right and that involves backing your DD ahead of your wife.

I think it was the son’s uni course. Id wonder how the DD feels about her younger brother. I’m guessing she didn’t want her dad’s affair partner feeling at liberty to discuss her little brother’s life choices on top of all the other crap she’s had to deal with.

vibratosprigato · 22/12/2024 11:13

Do you own the home with your wife jointly? If so, why is it up to her whether your daughter comes over or not? If your wife doesn't like it she can go out. She's your daughter ffs and has been told she isn't welcome in your home, consolidated by you.

You're lucky she's still in your life at all given you have consistently shown that she is not your priority. You've allowed this other woman to shit all over the relationship you have with your daughter. You were foolish to continue the relationship with this woman knowing that your daughter hated her, and think that you'd be able to have a great relationship with her.

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