Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

The best you can hope for is to see your daughter separately. Don’t mess that up by forcing this issue. Your wife - well she’s shown you who she is and that’s that I guess

This. And the numerous posts on here from children expressing the deep hurt they not only felt but still feel years later after being let down and absconded my a parent.

People are tempted to stray from marriages every day of the week.

You and your ex behaved very selfishly at a time when your children really really needed you. You owed them a moral duty to parent them & support them & you let them down horribly. Not only my breaking up your marriage but by then immediately moving in with your affair parents. How could you possibly expect your children to be ok?

Both of your children were clearly deeply hurt.

So man up now, orange squash can be washed off the results of breaking up a family can’t be.

It was 8 years ago, your poor daughter is trying and if your wife has any soul left she’ll treat her decently as you have treated her children who are probably carrying their own hurt which you at least recognised.

Forgot your wife I’m furious at you but also sad for you. Picture yourself on your deathbed. Do you want to feel you let your kids down? You have s chance to redeem yourself, take it.

Her mothers’ affair has plenty to do with it. OP’s wife is getting stitched up for wrecking a marriage that was clearly already dead in the water. Can’t be arsed explaining any more. OK, fine, you’re right, you win the thread.

Op, on the one hand I do feel for your wife, being treated so appallingly by your DD, but…. It’s been 7 YEARS! And your DD has tried to make amends-
she’s also been through something utterly horrific
I’d be incredibly concerned about your wife’s lack of compassion for the trauma your DD has endured-and is still struggling with.

In all honesty, I’d be questioning my marriage. Your daughter is part of you, your wife is not. She is being utterly despicable. I am a stepmother myself, to 2 DC the same age as your 2, we have a great relationship, but I would fully expect my DH to question if I’m the woman for him if I couldn’t find any compassion in me if one of them had gone through the same as your DD, and if I refused to allow her into our lives.
wives can be replaced. Your kids cannot

I also don’t want to lose my wife. Of course I’m desperate to find a middle ground but perhaps need to accept that one cannot be found.

There is no middle ground. Your wife is making sure of this.

If you continue with the status quo (accepting that your daughter is banned from her own fathers house) then this will eventually lead to the complete breakdown of your and your daughters relationship, you will likely never know your DGC. I suspect this is exactly what your wife wants. She seems to have an unhealthy desire for you to pick her over your daughter.

Can you imagine behaving this way towards one of her children if they threw a drink at your 8 years ago?

Exactly. I also highly doubt that the dd is going to easily trust any further attempts at peacemaker after being so publicly rebuffed and humiliated.

As a parent @Rokubox really needs to own that his attempt has failed spectacularly and never put his dd in that position again. he can’t have any faith in his wife’s platitudes when she’s proved that she has no hesitation in changing her mind and changing the stakes last minute.

I’m banned from DF house, not because of his wife but because my much younger half sister hates me (and also hates her half siblings from her mothers side).

this means my DS, his only grandchild, also banned. Have a pathetic relationship with DF outside their home but that’s not what I’d constitute family.

half sis is 25 years younger than me. Now married and living away from her parents. But this continues.

DF got older, has hearing loss and other health issues which means we’re cut off from any meaningful relationship bar the odd text and from the cold response it was step mum responding. . I got a text yesterday from step mum (after all these years), directly informing me he has advanced dementia and that and wish to visit should be done through her. I’m devestated.

from my POV it’s over as he’s now lost to advanced dementia. I wonder why I bothered to make the effort in the first place for such little fatherly return.

dont let this be your daughter. Put your foot down.

Already posted but I’ll add another thought: how was your wife treating your daughter before the whole throwing drinks incident? Was she genuinely trying her hardest to be kind to your daughter? Was she offering your daughter sympathy, kindness and support after her traumatic experience? Were they close?

something I can’t get past is the fact that your wife was hassling your daughter about uni so recently after the abortion. I just can’t understand it honestly. I also happen to be an SA victim and I can tell you 4 weeks after SA is not the time to get into an unnecessary argument. It sounds like your daughter was in a particularly violent case, and the experience of someone being aggressive towards her and possibly even shouting probably triggered her. It personally still triggers me even if someone’s body language is aggressive 10 years after the fact. I might be reaching here, but to me that statement alone suggests something is up.

• it was none of your wife’s business anyway and her insistence that your daughter was doing the ‘wrong’ course was totally out of line. That’s not for your wife to decide or bring up.
• its not like an argument starts and then 5 seconds later someone throws a drink. I bet that drink throw came after ages of hassling, harrassing and your wife not letting the subject go. This is entirely conjecture, but I imagine that your daughter might have asked your wife to let the subject go/leave her alone several times before she threw the drink.

to me, the fact that your wife was willing to aggravate a traumatised young woman suggests that she wasn’t treating your daughter particularly well to begin with.

this is not to say your daughter was justifying in throwing a drink. I truly do understand that that’s a horrible thing to happen which was deeply humiliating and hurtful to your wife. No one is ever justified in that behaviour and your daughter should apologise. But that said, what caused your daughter to throw the drink? Was it a random incident? Or was it the result of exhaustion, trauma, and wanting your wife to stop arguing with her and leave her alone?

Well the OP is clearly then also immature, horrible and selfish for 'pursuing' a married woman. But where does that get us? I know a few people who have had affairs and in terms of how they deal generally with people outside of this thing they did, they are on average no better or worse than anyone else. I know second wives where no affair happened where relationships with stepchildren are dreadful. Having been a person who had an affair isn't some unique mark of awfulness that means you will be a terrible person in all circumstances. The OP's wife is behaving dreadfully but maybe she just happens to be a very difficult person.

What a mess. I’ve nothing to add except I agree with pps that your wife is a massive dick and if you wish to salvage anything from this sorry situation then you need to focus on your dd alone and stop expecting the poor woman to get on with your demon wife.

Because his 22 year old daughter had just been SA, the one time he seems to have vaguely put his daughter’s needs first.

This man essentially abandoned his children when they needed him and so did his ex. Not only did they not have a family home they had no home with either parent where they could live without not only a stranger but a person who helped break-up their family.

People are acting like orange squash is a huge red line, but adultery and breaking up a family home is just BAU.

I can almost guarantee this poor girl sobs about how abandoned she feels by her father.

Your wife (like you, your ex wife's ex and your ex wife. All four equally bad, however I'm pointing out that she does have a quarter blame so specifying her at the start) helped break up your family through affair(s) when your children were teens that were obviously going to be harmed by this.

Your wife doesn't go on charm offensive and behave like an adult to get to know said upset teen or young adult and understand that there's going to be rocks along the way through part of her actions.

Your wife then argues with her (half the blame like your daughter takes half the blame) and your daughter throws the drink. At the time she knows (I'm assuming this part I admit hut as family and a devastated dad I'm sure you'd have at least let her in on the news) that your daughter is going through a second trauma just weeks after her first horrendous trauma (the sexual assault/abortion) and doesn't back down despite knowing how upset and volatile the daughter is.

She doesnt behave like an adult and instead bands a traumatised young adult from the house and blames you for not forcing said daughter to apologise. I would assume because of her stance she also does not take on any blame for her side of this as well (the argument getting so heated about something that.as a step mother/dad's wife has little to do with her as she's not the sons parent or sibling.)

She then continues to dangle both you and your daughter like puppets pretending she'll forgive and forget at a party when she goes on to ignore her despite knowing how important it is to you a d this petty behaviour continues despite almost a decade passing.

Yeah. The wife is the dick. The sheer fact she can't accept that the time the drink throwing happened was when both were in the wrong arguing and that the adult in the situation who hadn't just been can't accept there were hugely mitigating factors to what happened proves it.

Personally, put your daughter first. She's at least tried to mend fences since and doesn't keep pretending she will and backing out of it. Infact it's credit to your daughter that she still wants to try in light of that.

Well the OP is clearly then also immature, horrible and selfish for 'pursuing' a married woman. But where does that get us?

goes without saying tbh. The desire for reconciliation is also, somewhat selfishly, coming from him. It doesn’t benefit his wife and it’s arguable that it’s kinder to let his dd find peace with the situation than forcing two people together for his own comfort.

I don't know why the current wife is getting all the flak for the affair-she couldn't have done it without the Op!

I think by now I would be saying that as daughter has wanted to make amends you will be inviting her on Boxing day.

Your wife can be there or not as she chooses.

Why do you want to stay married to her?

This is it exactly OP.

Hag of a wife is a bit mean

A hag is a polite term for someone who continued to sleep with a man after she knew he was married, played a part in breaking up a family (not the only one but definitely one of the players) and held a grudge with a woman for 8 years for throwing a glass of squash over her right after that woman had been SA which resulted in an abortion

But sure calling her a name is mean. This place sometimes is ridiculous

It sounds like your wife prefers the status quo of not having DD around. If she is threatening to leave I would call her bluff and tell her it is a deal breaker for you if she cannot move on with your DD.

Not from me she’s not. I think the OP and his ex wife let their children down terribly.

It’s your house OP, your daughter should be as welcome as your wife’s children are. Your daughter is to be admired for wanting to try.

Your daughter was very young at the time she threw the drink and she’d experienced her parents breaking up which would have impacted the end of her childhood so was likely still reacting like a hurt child.

She is now a grown adult and is mature enough to want to move forward with your wife for the sake of her relationship with you.

Your wife needs to do the same. Otherwise she’s prioritising her own ego over her husband. Your wife’s behaviour is an indication of poor emotional maturity. It’s also dangerous as I think if she keeps this up, the scales will fall from your eyes quite quickly. She should not be pitting you against your daughter. When she chose to marry you, she should have been prepared to accommodate your children and some initial emotional backlash.

The daughter had plenty of opportunity in the previous 7 years to apologise. She has been ignoring the issue for years and her attempt to make some small talk at a family gathering would have seemed like more of the same. Choosing not to make superficial conversation with someone you feel has wronged you is not the same as not allowing them to apologise.

You wife is playing games here. She is clearly trying to alienate you from your daughter and if you let that happen you are a very foolish man. The repercussions for your daughter will last the rest of her life and to let that happen would be disgraceful on your part. You need to stand up to your wife and give her an ultimatum, don’t sit on the fence any longer. To those people who say how awful it was for your daughter to throw a drink at your wife, she was still a young woman with recent trauma and it was 8 years ago. Not a nice thing to do but not the worst either and to hold a grudge forever is simply immature. Be the grown up in the room and force the issue with your wife.

Well you've caused this shit show haven't you!
I really feel for your poor daughter. You ripped her life apart and now your witch of a wife is treating her appallingly too. Of course your daughter shouldn't have thrown the drink but several posters have asked what your wife said to provoke that response and yet you haven't answered that question.
Your poor daughter was suicidal and depressed following a SA and an abortion - surely your wife realised what an awful time she was having?
Your daughter is now being the bigger person and wants to make amends because years have passed but your wife not only agreed to a chat and then ignored her but she's now pulled the plug on your daughter coming to your house on Boxing Day! What a vile woman you chose!
I'm surprised your daughter wants anything to do with you to be honest.
Oh and the mum (your ex), ditched the affair partner relationship because your son didn't like him and there were issues there, so she effectively put her son and his wellbeing first. Shame you didn't!

Eh? All the dd said was ‘hello’. was she meant to throw herself at her feet wailing pleas for forgiveness immediately? She offered an opening and was pointedly ignored.

ostracisation from your family forever for throwing a drink isn’t proportionate. At all.

With respect @Rokubox i think you need to own your part in this because your inability to actually face up to or deal with the issue has led to this.

it sounds as if all 4 children hated what happened. Your son blamed your ex wife partner and that broke down and your ex moved on. Your current wife sons blamed you and there was some abuse towards you that you accepted and now have moved on.

your daughter blamed your wife but due to neither your nor your wife addressing the issue and hoping that you could middle through this you now are where you are at. No further forward and still hoping that the messed up status quo will be ok

but it isn’t is it - not for you, you don’t want it to continue and want the two of them to be ok to be in a room but at the same time don’t seem to want to actually stand up to either of them to make that happen. Even the coming together seems to be let’s just ignore everything

i also think you have posted about this before got good advice you haven’t followed

you need to act and make choices here

Her mother's affair didn't cause this situation with OP's wife and daughter.