Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

Your wife is being a bitch

I’m not sure you’ve read the OP correctly?

Your username suggests you are a man and your post confirms it.

Why should OP’s wife grovel to a woman who behaved appallingly to her and refused to apologise? And OP didn’t insist his DD apologise, so no support there - how else has he failed to support his wife to allow a rift like this to grow ?

And as for this - But what can you expect from someone who fucks a married man. Your misogyny is on display for all to see. The affair partner didn’t abandon marriage vows, a spouse - the OP - did that. How many married men do you know whose opening chat up line is ‘Oh by the way I’m married’? You know nothing of the circumstance but are quite happy to blame the woman.

And you’ve completely glossed over the fact that OP’s ex wife had an affair. Presumably with a man who’s quite happy to fuck a married woman. Double standards anyone ?

The precise detail of the argument has to be known.

Who was at fault?

As a grown woman, there are a few hot button issues that would have me throwing a drink even now and I am as chill as they come.

It sounds like your wife holds all the cards and is enjoying doing so, even though she knows this is killing you*

Going on your OP. I think you have to consider divorcing your wife for this reason* and having a life 'reset' or accept seeing your daughter on the periphery of your life for ever.

Life is too short for petty bitterness. Your DD was wrong to throw the drink at your wife. The fact she has shown remorse and offered an olive branch should be enough for your wife to let this go. Holding grudges doesn't just affect the people involved. The hostility affects all those around them which has a knock on effect on family life in general. I hope you return to the thread today with good news OP.

Stories like this is exactly why my husband and I chose to keep out trousers on and not be unfaithful. My god it’s tempting sometimes, but fuck me, you’ve ruined your daughter’s life with your antics. Your son is equally as fucked up but bottling it up.

It’s all broken irreparably - and your wife is fine with that. She won’t make amends now. What’s in it for her? It’s your daughter that has lost her entire family unit and is left out of family gatherings. Your wife is a despicable woman.

You have Ross in your name, so....

OP's wife is the one who behaved appallingly, and she has never gave the daughter a CHANCE to apologise, nor has the wife ever apologised to the daughter.

This thread is about the father and his new wife. NOT her mother!

I'd call your wife's bluff, and tell her to make amends or divorce.
The drink throwing happened long time ago

I feel for you all, here, but agree with others that your wife needs to step up. She played a part in the destruction of a teenager's life (not just any teenager - the daughter of a man she (I assume) loves). Said teenager is angry with her and throws a drink, when she's in a state of trauma and AT AN AGE WHEN SHE IS NEUROBIOLOGICALLY STILL IMMATURE (especially in the realm of control of behaviour) (‘Your brain isn’t fully formed until you’re 25’: A neuroscientist demolishes the greatest mind myth - BBC Science Focus Magazine). And your wife wishes to keep punishing both the ex-teenager and the man she allegedly loves. The fact she "threatens to leave" you if you don't behave as she wants you to bothers me greatly. If she can't match your daughter's efforts (your daughter sounds like an impressive individual to be willing to patch things up, by the way), I think you should allow your wife to follow through on her threat, should she wish to. Because if she does follow that through (she won't), the relationship is done anyway.

(Incidentally, at the point of the initial argument, was your wife opining on your DS's university choice? Not saying that that would deserve a glass of squash on the sweatshirt, but I can see why it would irk).

Please don't let your wife ruin your relationship with your DD. You sound like a reasonable man and a good dad (we all make mistakes).

I have and l agree with this poster. OP has painted a one sided picture of his wife as an unyielding bitch and people have run with it. He says himself that he failed to force his DD to apologise for throwing the drink. He didn’t support his wife or involve himself to any great degree in sorting it out - he just let the rift widen. So l’d be asking what else he’s been less than supportive about that his wife is so bitter about seven years later.

Missing the point……….

This is the clearest insight of the whole sorry situation and the most sensible solution. Please take note OP

Your wife was chosen by you in really unfortunate circumstances all those years ago. It would be a cruel symmetry in which a new 'choosing' scenario was set up again.

I'm wondering what it is that makes your wife 'bait and switch' the way she has, saying she's open to reconciliation only to renege in the moment, leaving your daughter hanging -quite publicly- in a similarly humiliating way to how she may have felt she herself was left following the drink incident. Why would your wife agree to patch things up just to drop the whole thing so suddenly and unexpectedly once your daughter had taken the first step? If she wasn't interested in reconnecting she could simply say so?

Might you interest her in a block of family therapy sessions or couples' counselling to explore this further? If not, that's quite telling.

I cannot imagine any situation where I would be refusing reconciliation with a family member over something which a) arose out of what must now feel like an entirely inconsequential issue, b) happened a very long time ago and c) the other person had signalled they were ready to move on from. I'd jump at that chance and be grateful to you for facilitating.

I'm not big on either pride or apologies. I don't need a person to apologise for a perceived slight or wrong-doing if I believe they're sincerely hoping to make things right.

As a daughter, I felt my dad's love through various blended family constellations following my parents' divorce, but he didn't have my back and would have acquiesced with subsequent partners in a scenario like yours, just to keep the peace. I've got friends, grown-up women, whose dads would still come through for them 100% on any given day or issue, and I sometimes wonder what that might feel like. Like always having the sun at your back, I imagine.

This is the best way forward.

She ruined the girls family and fuckers up her life! A drink is nothing. .
Wife is a weapon.

Its very difficult to be in the middle of a long lasting grudge, affair/arguments/drink throwing aside, enough is enough, it has been 7 years, is your wife really willing to lose her marriage over this? It seems such a trivial thing to blow your lives up about and makes me wonder if she even wants to be with you? And this is her excuse to get out?
It is YOUR home too, YOUR daughter, if you want your daughter home for boxing day then do it- if wife is too immature to put it all aside for a few hours at Christmas then she has some serious issues.
Need a slate wipe and all stop playing the blame game.

Team daughter here. Life is too short to hold such a ridiculous grudge, your wife is being completely unreasonable. You can’t live your life like this forever, you will lose your daughter at some point. You should do what you should’ve done years ago and put her first, and if that involves separating from your wife then so be it. I would find it difficult to remain in love with someone like your wife tbh.

Resolution isn’t in your hands. At all.

Ultimately if your wife insists on holding a grudge your dd is eventually going to keep herself further away from a relationship with you. It’s just not feasible to stay in an emotionally damaging relationship where you’re treated as an unwelcome stain.

do with that knowledge as you wish, but stop trying to make your wife someone she isn’t.

This.

The point is that the wife refuses to allow the daughter to apologise.

That, is the point.

Both parties cheating takes nothing away from the responsibility of either. It’s not a “two wrongs make right” situation.

And for clarity, adult children are still their parents’ children. Families don’t cease to exist when children turn 18.

I pasted a very poorly chosen link above. Wrong one!
Here's a paper indicating that brain regions related to control of behaviour continue to mature in early adulthood:

A Model of the Development of Frontal Lobe Functioning: Findings From a Meta-Analysis: Applied Neuropsychology: Vol 12, No 4

maybe, but that wasn’t the point of my post.

Yes it was, you falsely claimed the daughter hadn't apologised - she hasn't been allowed to.

You then tried to drag in her mother's affair into it - when that has nothing to do with this.

Just read all of your updates, including that your DD wad SA and had to have an abortion. I can imagine how traumatic it must've been. Your wife should've cut some slack. And high time she forgave your DD (whether with apology or not).