Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

You share a home and your wife thinks she gets to overrule you about who's allowed in it? Wouldn't be happening on my watch!

Gosh!

Your wife is the difficult party here. It was a drink, years ago.....move on.

If it's hurting you not seeing your daughter then quite frankly your wife should know better.

As a woman, I can always tell that there's control and jealousy coming from your wife. She's had you without issue for years and now sharing you with someone she doesn't like isn't what she wants.

I know what I'd be doing. Your daughter should absolutely come first.

Given everything your poor dd has been through on your watch as a father op, you certainly should be stepping up for her now. You are lucky she has survived so much trauma.
I would be moving heaven and earth to support her now, to be the parent she deserves.

I'm going to go with "everybody sucks here".

Expecting your kids to accept your affair partner is always going to be a big ask, but it sounds like you did not set boundaries about poor behaviour, setting the scene for what then followed.

22 is far too old to throw drinks at people in an argument. If she'd done it at, say, 14, I'd be much more on her side because teens do dumb stuff - I've got two of them. But at 22, you should know better. Mental health or no. That said, it's not so heinous it's unforgiveable either if DD has shown remorse and been willing to apologise etc (sounds like she has).

Did you let your wife know that DD was coming to this family party or not? Or were you just expecting her to deal with it when she showed up? That makes a difference here, because it sounds like maybe your wife is reacting to it because she's not really been given any say in how the reconciliation happens and it sounds like DD has changed her tune after years of neither of them wanting anything to do with the other, which does become status quo after that amount of time and is hard to change. Not impossible, but changing it does take time and has to be done gradually. You seem to be a bit naive about this, OP, and your attitude is "DD wants to reconcile and that's what I want so that's what has to happen".

Your wife is being entirely unreasonable if she won't consider any form of reconciliation, if DD is genuinely wanting to apologise and move forward. But as others have said, a first meeting on neutral ground, not a family party, would have been better. You also don't usually go from not speaking for years to doing family Boxing Day - that probably feels too much. And you don't say whether your daughter has actually apologised to her (which she should do, and that shouldn't be at a party with an audience, for both their sakes). Maybe a conversation with your wife about what would make this possible for her is needed, and give her some influence over the process, but make it clear that excluding your DD for the rest of your lives is not an option for you, providing there is a behaviour change of course.

@MontyDonsBlueScarf The daughter DIDN'T EVEN GET THE CHANCE to apologise! The daughter was ignored when she said the first word hello! Read the full thread!

I agree that pressing charges would be ridiculous and cruel. But on virtually every thread I’ve seen on MN it’s been the consensus that MH problems are never an excuse to behave badly to others. It’s very telling that on this thread, someone experiencing MH problems has behaved badly towards OP’s wife, but because this woman is perceived by some as breaking up OP’s marriage, that’s perfectly OK.

Seeing that you plan to show your wife this thread I wanted to add my view, which @Autumnblackberries has already put forward. Yes at 22 your daughter was an adult, but only just and she was suffering was the traumatic breakup of her parents only 5yrs earlier.

Yes your daughter behaved badly that day and humiliated your wife, which must have been hard for her, but the fact they were arguing about something very personal to your daughter and not really your wife’s business, I think your wife should have known better and not provoked her (not saying what your daughter did was justified, but sounds as though your wife didn’t behave appropriately in the first place).

Swallowing her pride and accepting your daughter would be the mature thing for your wife to do, and I hope she does for all of your sakes. Your daughter has shown that she has matured, about time your wife did too.

I think the main point was that getting these two people together at a family gathering was a very bad idea. It should have been in private and without an audience for either of them to play to.

This.
your wife is awful and acting like a nasty vindictive woman.

Your wife is behaving like a small child. She broke up a family, so really shouldn't believe she holds any form of moral high ground. Time she grew up.

Well personally I wouldn't forgive someone who had an affair with my father when he was married to my mother.

I would dump the wife. She sounds absolutely awful and her children sound exactly like her.

I think everyone involved here comes across as rather selfish, including OP, and everybody is being unreasonable in their wants and expectations of others.

Wife wants everything to stay the same, she's quite happy with DD not being around thanks very much. Probably doesn't want to share her husband with another woman at some level. But there's probably a fair few years of hurt there as well from OP's account.

OP just wants an easy life and wants things how he wants them, and the women around him are expected just to facilitate that.

DD sounds the most mature, but is perhaps not acknowledging that it's not easy just to walk back in after years of the family setup being a certain way and that an apology doesn't fix things overnight - trust has to be rebuilt both ways..

There seems to be a consensus here that it's ok for children of divorce to behave however they like, especially if their parents had affairs. That's not how the world works, and parents who permit this and don't challenge it are setting their children up to think that acting out when bad things happen to them is a reasonable response.

I think some people here struggle with the difference between feelings and behaviour. It's ok to feel a certain way, but it's not ok to act that out. Even former affair partners are human beings, and the kind of behaviour I see some posters condoning on here because (usually dad) had an affair - sounds like some of y'all would probably still publicly stone adulterers if you could!

The practicalities alone make the idea of 'pressing charges' a truly idiotic idea.

You've made a messy bed, haven't you? And now you're lying in it with a very difficult woman. Unfortunately that means your life is never going to involve a happy family. You need to face that, accept responsibility for the choices that caused it and stop throwing your DD in the firing line because YOUR life would be nicer if the women got on.
You need to do the best you can for your daughter. The best for your daughter is not to have to watch her brother invited to things she is excluded from. Nor is it to continually be snubbed by your game playing wife. So you need to see your children and anyone else who is part of their family in your home without your wife there. You could take the drastic step of leaving her, or you could have family events with your DC while she goes out.

Your wife sounds awful. Far too controlling. I think you should make plans to separate.

How many years do you have left on this planet OP?

How would you like them to play out? Be honest.

Divorce is expensive, but you can't take it with you.

I'm picturing you and your daughter, enjoying the simple things. Experiencing positive emotions.

If there are no sorries, no forgivings, no moving forwards, no learnings, no togetherness...what's the point? X

If you have an affair and your family is divided as a result of that affair, you cannot expect everything to be harmonious years on. You are literally reaping what you have sown.

Your wife does not have to forgive your daughter for throwing a drink over her. Your daughter is an adult but your post is written as though your daughter is a small child and there is an obligation to have her in your home. There really isn’t! It’s your wife’s home too (and I say this as someone who has zero regard for any woman who has an affair with a married man).

I’m sure she may be funny, charming, a good storyteller, generous to those she chooses, but we can safely say that she is not a nice person. There’s enough evidence here that deep down she is spiteful and self-serving with no concept of the importance of family.

I think in your position I would have pointed out years ago that the children come first. I would explain to your wife that they will continue to do so. She needs to stop sabotaging your relationship with dd and you need to stop letting her. Your children could have trauma relating to when the affairs happened hence your daughter being triggered by your wife and her acting like a child. But your wife has carried this on and that’s not ok. Your wife may not trust dd but she needs to try.

Your wife is being a dick, your daughter who seemingly has grown and matured and is trying to smooth the situation, has tried twice to do so and each time your wife has, rather spitefully in my opinion, thrown a spanner in the works at the very last moment. This isn't about an inability to forgive or the severity of your daughters actions, this is about punishment, she wants your daughter to suffer because her feelings of embarrassment and anger at having a drink thrown at her are more important to her than your worry about losing your relationship with your daughter.

Your daughter was going through a tough time, saw red over something (I'd be interested to know what was actually said about that course) and threw a drink, it's not ideal, not at all but its hardly crime of the century and to still be holding a grudge 8 years later is just silly. Of course you don't want to lose anybody but ultimately who will you regret losing more? Your daughter and any future grandchildren, your flesh and blood or your wife who refuses to see the bigger picture and can't let an incident from over a decade ago go?

I actually think the wife needs to see the thread because I expect she is Teflon coated when it comes to accepting responsibility for her actions.

I agree with pp your wife needs to stop this. Is she ok with ruining your relationship with your dd? Seems like it. Throwing a drink was stupid but it was years ago. They might not be best mates but she needs to be comfortable in your house.

Hag of a wife is a bit mean.
His c
ADULT children are not banned. The son visits.
There are 2 sides to every story.
I very much doubt the two women will ever get on and that's why I wouldn't force a relationship.
He can see his daughter on his own and maintain a relationship with her.