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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

536 replies

Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:28

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

OP posts:
TENSsion · 22/12/2024 08:04

DarkAether · 22/12/2024 01:24

and the daughter is lucky the wife didnt press chargers for assault

Show quote history

The daughter, while in a period of suicidal depression following a sexual assault, is lucky that her dad’s wife didn’t ruin her life by pushing for an assault charge to be put on her record because she chucked a pint of water on her?
Seriously?

JustLookingThanks · 22/12/2024 08:04

Whatever your daughter has been through she was wrong to behave like that, and she needs to apologise, properly and in a heartfelt way. You were wrong not to point that out and follow that through, whatever you put her through she was still wrong. A letter might be appropriate, as it can be carefully considered before sending and allows your wife to think about it before seeing your daughter. The letter should include an invitation to meet, so that your daughter can apologise in person. This needs to be followed up by a meeting on neutral ground where your daughter apologises, your wife accepts the apology and needs to be prepared to apologise to your daughter for snubbing her attempts to say hello at the party. That will mean everyone has apologised but that's no guarantee of success but it will be a start. The meeting should be short. It's going to be awkward to begin with, small steps.
Meeting at a party, in public, for the first time in years was a terrible idea. It would remind your wife of her public humiliation when the drink was thrown at her (that's how she sees it so that is all that matters).
Your ex wife needs to support this apology and reconciliation as your daughter will turn to her for advice.

Pipsquiggle · 22/12/2024 08:04

Your wife sounds like an absolute bitch TBH.

I assume she knows about the mental health, suicide attempts and abortion of your DD now, maybe not at the time of the drink throwing incident?

Your wife seems petty and small minded. Making up with your DD could be a real breakthrough for both of them and your family unit, but it seems your wife being 'right' usurps everything else.

I hope your wife can see the bigger picture here, or maybe she is just not capable of that, in which case, I hope she's worth it.

I hope you do show her this thread.

brunettemic · 22/12/2024 08:05

Your wife is a b1tch and is emotionally blackmailing you. Ultimately she’s trying to force you to pick her over your DD. Don’t make that decision, make the right one and chose your DD.

WomenInConstruction · 22/12/2024 08:06

Pipsquiggle · 22/12/2024 08:04

Your wife sounds like an absolute bitch TBH.

I assume she knows about the mental health, suicide attempts and abortion of your DD now, maybe not at the time of the drink throwing incident?

Your wife seems petty and small minded. Making up with your DD could be a real breakthrough for both of them and your family unit, but it seems your wife being 'right' usurps everything else.

I hope your wife can see the bigger picture here, or maybe she is just not capable of that, in which case, I hope she's worth it.

I hope you do show her this thread.

I don't think she should see this thread.

She likely will ignore all criticisms and pick out the ones who are saying she's right not to forgive the thrown drink.

feelingfree17 · 22/12/2024 08:06

Your wife needs to grow up

TENSsion · 22/12/2024 08:07

Your wife is manipulating you. She’s agreeing to seeing daughter then ignoring her when your daughter speaks to her. She agrees to inviting her for Boxing Day but is now telling you to uninvite her.

She is purposely trying to ruin your relationship with your daughter. She is trying to make things even worse between you. She is manipulating the situation.

She’s calculated.

Channellingsophistication · 22/12/2024 08:07

Your wife is in the wrong here. Whilst it was horrible, embarrassing and demeaning to have a drink thrown over her, your daughter was going through a lot and it is right to forgive her.

I think you need to talk to your wife and spell it out to her that she needs to make amends with your daughter. They don’t have to be best of friends, but they do need to be on good terms. Your daughter should be allowed in your own home! You have said you have taken abuse from her sons and forgiven them. It’s only right your wife should do the same.

If your wife wont build bridges, you have to decide which relationship is more important to you. Frankly, your daughter should win every time.

TheHardestWalk · 22/12/2024 08:07

I think it's unreasonable of you to not expect your daughter to apologise (however perfunctorily) to your wife for throwing a pint of liquid on her and your wife should accept that and move on.

But
'I would never force DD to apologise. I see the wider context I guess and I knew it would be futile at the time. I also wouldn’t expect her to apologise after 7 years but thought a hello and just small talk might have been the start of a bridge.'

really makes me suspect that there would be a lot more to it if we were to hear your wife's version.

IDontDrinkTea · 22/12/2024 08:08

Divorce the wife.

and then issue a heartfelt apology to your daughter for inflicting such an awful woman into her life

unsync · 22/12/2024 08:08

I would try again on neutral territory with a specialist family mediator. There's obviously something going on for your wife that she needs support with.

Rosscameasdoody · 22/12/2024 08:10

Zanatdy · 22/12/2024 07:18

No, but they participate in the cheating knowing there are children involved who will be hurt. My friend’s dad’s affair, and subsequent marriage and a child, still hurts 30yrs later. She never forgave her dad and he’s dead now. She carried just as much hate for the affair partner. She didn’t sit there as a teenage and think oh it’s not her fault as she didn’t take the marriage vows. It takes two to tango and children often blame the affair partner more as they obviously love their parent but owe nothing to the affair partner.

Show quote history

OP’s ex wife had had an affair previously and ended up with the affair partner. I’d say the marriage was in a fair amount of trouble even before OP’s wife came along. I’ve no truck with how OP’s wife is behaving now, but some posters are laying the blame for the marriage breakup at her door, which is ridiculous. She wasn’t the one who broke marriage vows. OP did that by choice. How likely do you think it that he was honest about being married when they met ?

Pipsquiggle · 22/12/2024 08:10

JustLookingThanks · 22/12/2024 08:04

Whatever your daughter has been through she was wrong to behave like that, and she needs to apologise, properly and in a heartfelt way. You were wrong not to point that out and follow that through, whatever you put her through she was still wrong. A letter might be appropriate, as it can be carefully considered before sending and allows your wife to think about it before seeing your daughter. The letter should include an invitation to meet, so that your daughter can apologise in person. This needs to be followed up by a meeting on neutral ground where your daughter apologises, your wife accepts the apology and needs to be prepared to apologise to your daughter for snubbing her attempts to say hello at the party. That will mean everyone has apologised but that's no guarantee of success but it will be a start. The meeting should be short. It's going to be awkward to begin with, small steps.
Meeting at a party, in public, for the first time in years was a terrible idea. It would remind your wife of her public humiliation when the drink was thrown at her (that's how she sees it so that is all that matters).
Your ex wife needs to support this apology and reconciliation as your daughter will turn to her for advice.

I do agree with @JustLookingThanks

Your DD should apologise because it was humiliating for your wife, however, your wife needs to recognise what an absolute cluster fuck your DD was going through and wasn't thinking straight at the time.

A reconciliation at a party is NEVER a good idea

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 22/12/2024 08:11

smilingeleanor · 22/12/2024 07:49

It sounds like they both want to move forward and be civil so wider relationships can repair. There's a lot of bitterness in the responses on this thread with people's personal experiences spilling over.

The only way i can see repair is for your daughter to be supported by you to offer an apology - either written or verbal. Doesn't have to be gushing or verbose but - x, i shouldn't have thrown a drink at you and i am sorry for that. I was hurt and angry at lots of things at the time but realise this doesn't excuse my behaviour and for that i am very sorry.

your wife then needs to accept this (try to talking to her to see if she will/can) and then is the time for forced pleasant small talk

throwing a drink was uncalled for - and i would expect an apology even years later. Yes, lots of hurt and anger but OP is the cause - he had the family commitments and marriage how's to uphold and admits he handled it badly. start handling things right

OP if you really want to keep your wife and your daughter, you need to consider this post very seriously before showing your wife this thread. Just because most posters think your wife is totally to blame, doesn't mean that she is. You should at least try to see it from her perspective as well as your daughter's and it doesn't look as if you are.

Spot on suggestion for a way forward.

Lolopolo · 22/12/2024 08:11

WomenInConstruction · 22/12/2024 07:56

@Lolopolo well said. Really sorry that happened to you. A cruel streak in one and cowardice in the other is a terrible combination.

Thank you. I have never got over it but therapy has helped me to move on.

Greenfluffyball · 22/12/2024 08:12

Easy ban your wife’s children from the house, if yours isn’t welcome then why should hers? She’s grasping if she is basing this solely on a ln incident so long ago. She should be delighted your daughter is willing to build a relationship for your sake, not building barriers.

littlehorsesthatrun · 22/12/2024 08:14

Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:48

They were having a heated discussion about a uni course actually, disagreeing about which route would be best for DS take. It was stupid. DD threw a pint of squash. Stormed out. We had other family there including wife’s family who hadn’t met DD before so I think that added to the embarrassment. I went outside to speak to DD to ask her to come back inside but her mum came for her pretty soon after.

I would imagine your DD found it difficult to accept your wife’s thoughts about DS’s course as it wasn’t her place? From your daughter’s perspective not her child and probably still sore about the marriage breakdown. So although it seemed like an insignificant argument there would have been lots of feeling underneath.

Offthepath · 22/12/2024 08:14

It's not fair to show your wife threads off the internet about her without giving her the chance to put her side of the story (and ideally, post daughter's side also). It just seems like a petty device to keep an argument going, not to solve anything. "Hey look, I explained the story like this...and x number of women think you're horrible" - how are you expecting her to respond? Not constructively!
Just "human-up" and have a proper conversation with your wife and your daughter, stop hiding behind a bunch of anonymous people online.

buttonousmaximous · 22/12/2024 08:14

The whole situation has been managed badly. You need to accept your wife and dd are not going to have a relationship. Either you see your dd separately or you leave your wife.

Rosscameasdoody · 22/12/2024 08:14

IDontDrinkTea · 22/12/2024 08:08

Divorce the wife.

and then issue a heartfelt apology to your daughter for inflicting such an awful woman into her life

And there it is. Divorce the wife. She’s an awful woman. Prioritise DD and don’t even bother to find out what the wife’s actual issues with DD are. Because clearly there are issues. And they go far beyond throwing a drink. But let’s ignore that, because, hey, she broke up OP’s marriage !!

Supergirl1958 · 22/12/2024 08:14

Moonlightstars · 22/12/2024 00:31

Your wife is an utter dick.

This!

Your poor daughter, already struggling with her MH, her parents break up, nearly died, wanted to die. And your wife cannot see past her own backside because she had a drink thrown on her? Had they been drinking when it happened? Things are always worse then…

that said, I think my answer here would be to call her bluff, she wants to leave, leave her! She’s a spoilt brat, who at frankly probably in her golden years, needs to grow up!

Colourfulduvets · 22/12/2024 08:15

If your wife truly loved you she would see that this situation is making life difficult for you & would try to make amends with your DD & move on. A lot of time has passed now & it's ridiculous to bear grudges forever, life is just too short.

She doesn't have to become best friends with your DD, simply tolerate her presence on occasion and be civil.

If I were you I would be questioning my marriage & my relationship with her & wondering why she couldn't do this for me.

Opaquesnake · 22/12/2024 08:15

WomenInConstruction · 22/12/2024 08:06

I don't think she should see this thread.

She likely will ignore all criticisms and pick out the ones who are saying she's right not to forgive the thrown drink.

Show quote history

I agree. She’s controlling and controlling so if she knows that the OP is reaching out for support then she’s unlikely to respond positively. It wouldn’t surprise me if her reaction would be to issue the OP with a ‘it’s her or me’ ultimatum.

Zanatdy · 22/12/2024 08:16

I also don’t think you should show this thread to your wife. Or if you do, ask her for her version of events, as we are giving advice on what we have been told. There might be a lot more info we are missing.

Does your wife know about the SA on your DD? I personally couldn’t spend my life with someone who didn’t care enough about me to make amends for my sake. I wouldn’t feel loved by my wife if she didn’t care how much this hurt me and did nothing when she could bring an end to this. That’s not what marriage or love is.

onceaday · 22/12/2024 08:17

I was the daughter in this scenario, after numerous incidents of my dad's new wife rejecting me and my dad always trying to appease her, after 10 years I went no contact. This was 30 years ago. He has never met his DGC and my sister also went NC a little later.
This could happen to you, could you live with that?