Is this abuse?

[Rosiered40]

Need relationship advice. Is he abusive?
I have been with my partner for 3 years now.
I have two children from previous marriage. One is a teen the other is 7. The first year he was amazing, fun, generous, great with the kids but the last 2 years have been a constant rollercoaster.
After being together for a while he told me he used to be big into drugs even injecting heroin at one point. He’s been clean for 5 years but clearly troubled. He has had investigations for bipolar. When things are good they are good, then we have a bad few months where it’s awful. He’s depressed, barely speaks, suicidal yet refuses to get help. His moods dictate our relationship and I feel I never know who is walking through the door so always on egg shells. He’s never hit me but when angry is intimidating smashing things up and throwing things. I feel like I am a shell of my former self and go out of my way to try please him yet there is no pleasing him when he is in these moods. I’m 5 weeks into this mood of his and I just feel like I need advice. I live for the good times. I am never allowed to challenge him or say why I’m upset as he blows up and goes mad and makes it about him and how hard is life is. So I stay silent most of the time to save further agro

I feel I am letting my children down as when is nasty to me I’m emotional and short with them and can’t be the best parent for them as I’m upset. My teen son he gets on with quite well but he barely speaks to my daughter now. I’d be lucky if he even says hello to her in a single day the convo between them is that sparse. He said he doesn’t like her attitude and holds her normal little girl behaviour, sass, being too loud, coming down stairs when I put her to bed against her as his reason he barely talks to her.
I don’t want her growing up thinking it’s normal for things to be this way yet I feel in freeze mode like I can’t action anything. I struggle to make any decisions and feel vacant and emotionally distant from everyone now. He fell out with my two best friends and my mum so I feel very alone. I keep trying to help him and be supportive but nothing is changing. I have just got an amazing job and this coincides with him being in a mood as he wanted me to work for him but I wanted to take this and do something for myself and im so far really happy and im sure he isn’t happy ive got a well paid nice job, maybe jealous. He hasn’t asked me once how my day has been in my new job. Yet I call him, msg him being nice and happy every day and always faced with him being miserable and snappy.
He ruins birthdays, Christmas everything by not wanting to partake. He said he didn’t want to do gifts this year and he has plenty of money it’s just him being that way out.
What are your thoughts? Part of me feel obliged to stay as he’s had a rough childhood and been through bad times so I feel for him, but when does that become an excuse to treat others unfairly. I do everything for him, cook, clean, do his books anything I can to help. Yet if I ask him to make me a brew he behaves like I have asked him for a kidney. Writing this down as it flows makes me realise even more how bad it is 😥

prioritise yourself and your children. Stop trying to fix broken men. Run. Right now

Honestly you feel obliged to stay because of his rough childhood yet you are giving your daughter one bexause you are staying

and you have no obligation to your partner it is not on you to fix it

But as a mum you have a massive obligation to your children and you need to follow through on leaving to protect them

Please please please get your kids (and yourself!) away from this man! Yes it’s abusive to ignore someone, to smash things up in rage, treading on eggshells..are you able to make plans to end it? What are you circumstances? Eg where do you live? Shared place, property in one or other’s name?

He lives with me In my house so I can technically kick him out but he would be homeless. He isn’t awful to my daughter just doesn’t engage with her anymore which hurts me. I tend to keep the kids very separate to me and him. He works late a lot so I try keep them apart if that makes sense. It’s not great I know and I know I am failing as a parent I just feel I can’t take action like I am literally frozen

Yes, it’s abuse. Please look after yourself and your children. That means getting away from this man.

You are completely fucking up your kid’s lives. Why are you doing this to them?

Why the fuck did you move this abusive cunt into your kids home?

It’s not even a question you need to ask. Your kids come before a bloke every single time. Every day he says is a day the abuse is being prolonged.

Your children deserve far better than sharing thrir safe space with this vile prick.

It’s a common theme on here. Moving a random abusive dick into their kids safe space, wrecking their childhood and then wailing ‘but I love him he’s sooooooo sweet (when he’s not abusing me)’

All of the above. if you can't do it for yourself do it for your children. Is this how you would like your son to behave in a relationship or a relationship you would like your daughter to be in because if you don't make a move v v soon this is exactly where they will end up. They will model this behavior as it learned and all they know. Christ do better, your poor kids. You care more about his well being than you do theirs. Its your house, kick him out, who cares if he ends up homeless, that's not your responsibility ..

He moved in after about 15 months and things were very good. I didn’t just move him in. And yes it’s no excuse but I’m here for advice not too be hammered and made to feel even more upset. My kids don’t have an awful life. Both excelling at school, I take them on holidays on my own. They are sheltered a lot from the above. I still know this isn’t normal. It’s hard when you are with a Jekyll and Hyde character. I just felt very alone tonight and wanted to air what I am thinking hence joining

What do you want from this bexause if it is support and validation that you should leave him that’s fine
ideas and advice on how to leave no
problem
a handhold also fine

but you do need too

I know I need him to leave. I wish he would leave me as it takes that decision away from me. I guess some validation and a hand hold is what I was looking for right now

Listen you need to get him out.

my little girls dad is an abuser violent mentally emotionally…

I moved us out wt her being 10 days old to my mums… then I got us our own place and now we live safely. Albeit he is still in our lives and ruins everything but I know my daughter isn’t waking up at the sound of her dad shouting at me or me getting pushed and pulled around or things thrown at me believe me I’ve had it all the only thing he hasn’t done is swung and hit me. The only time I’d seen remorse was when he made me bleed.

my next step is to move us out of here and try my best to not tell him where we are.

you need to contact woman’s aid and if you feel like you can’t get him too leave by yourself you need to take his keys and get the police to remove. You need to protect your children cause although r you try to keep tjem
seprwte theyll feel it. Theyll either need to see you being a strong independent woman that we know you can be or a woman being loved properly and the right way! This isn’t it!! You deserve more

Yes, it is abuse. Your children are experiencing domestic abuse because he's domestically abusing you. They will be affected by everything that's going on, regardless of the fact they're not often in the same room together.

You need to get this man out of your house and out of your life. Don't for one minute kid yourself that this isn't affecting your children - it is. They need you to be happy and healthy. You are not and won't be until you end this relationship. Yes, he is obviously damaged but he is absolutely NOT your problem to fix. He will continue to drag you down and make you miserable. Please get some family support and tell him to leave.

Please leave him. It is your responsibility to get your kids out of that life.

If you don't, your children will resent you, that is fact and he won't be there to support you when that shit hits the fan...

He sounds like a waste of space. I know it's difficult but honestly, you have no ties to him. I'd fuck him out, wouldn't care about Christmas. How dare he treat your daughter like that.

Hand hold OP ❤️

Call Womens Aid in the morning, or at your next available opportunity when safe for you to do so. Tell them everything and they will help you put a plan together.

Yes, this is an abusive situation. It's fixable, but you need help - contact Womens Aid as soon as you can 💐

Yes, this is an abusive relationship.

You are walking on eggshells and so are your children. They may be more stressed than you realise.

He needs to leave but do be very careful when you tell him get some support in case he turns aggressive.

sending you support, OP. You can and will get out, just hold that knowledge in the front of your mind. You have a good job - that is a big part of the battle, many women are stuck because of finances. Whatever you do, hang on to that job. He won’t want you to have it - he’ll want you dependent on him.
you are strong. You can get yourself free of him. Sometimes it just takes time.

I’m sorry some of the responses have upset you.
Feeling frozen is a typical response to abuse. Also normal not to realise it’s abuse initially - I didn’t see my marriage for what it really was until we’d been separated for almost a year! Many abusers don’t show their true colours until you’re in a position where it’s difficult to get out.
I’d second calling women’s aid about how you approach asking him to leave…I know it’s difficult to make him leave and you worry about making him homeless I think it’ll be difficult to live with him while he finds somewhere to go to as well. Needs to be handled delicately.
BUT I can’t tell you how lovely it is to get out of that kind of relationship. The first week after XH left, I kept sighing with relief. It was like I could finally breathe again!

Part of me feel obliged to stay as he’s had a rough childhood and been through bad times so I feel for him,

But he's now spoiling your kids' childhoods.

You have a responsibility to your kids, not him.

Sounds like you need to get your life in order op, away from him. Do not get pregnant!
Make plans to leave and prioritise yourself and your chn. Do you have family you can go to for support? This is no way to live.

You can do it op, phone women’s aid when he is at work and come up with a plan.
You and your children will be so much happier when he is gone. You don’t have to
live like this x

Yes, this is abusive. It’s already destroying your sense of self and your nervous system is trapped in a trauma response (freeze). Please tell him to make arrangements to move out- with a deadline, that you enforce and change locks etc if he doesn’t go willingly (even if he does, to be honest).

His bad childhood and difficulties with mental health are not your responsibility. He is making choices to behave in these ways as he is an adult now.

Please don’t abuse the OP further ffs! I agree with pp that you should phone women’s aid and they will talk you through this and help you decide what to do. I understand that you are worried about making him homeless but he will have to take responsibility for himself, you can’t as you have other priorities. You know this but you need some support to action it.