Is this abuse?

[Rosiered40]

Need relationship advice. Is he abusive?
I have been with my partner for 3 years now.
I have two children from previous marriage. One is a teen the other is 7. The first year he was amazing, fun, generous, great with the kids but the last 2 years have been a constant rollercoaster.
After being together for a while he told me he used to be big into drugs even injecting heroin at one point. He’s been clean for 5 years but clearly troubled. He has had investigations for bipolar. When things are good they are good, then we have a bad few months where it’s awful. He’s depressed, barely speaks, suicidal yet refuses to get help. His moods dictate our relationship and I feel I never know who is walking through the door so always on egg shells. He’s never hit me but when angry is intimidating smashing things up and throwing things. I feel like I am a shell of my former self and go out of my way to try please him yet there is no pleasing him when he is in these moods. I’m 5 weeks into this mood of his and I just feel like I need advice. I live for the good times. I am never allowed to challenge him or say why I’m upset as he blows up and goes mad and makes it about him and how hard is life is. So I stay silent most of the time to save further agro

I feel I am letting my children down as when is nasty to me I’m emotional and short with them and can’t be the best parent for them as I’m upset. My teen son he gets on with quite well but he barely speaks to my daughter now. I’d be lucky if he even says hello to her in a single day the convo between them is that sparse. He said he doesn’t like her attitude and holds her normal little girl behaviour, sass, being too loud, coming down stairs when I put her to bed against her as his reason he barely talks to her.
I don’t want her growing up thinking it’s normal for things to be this way yet I feel in freeze mode like I can’t action anything. I struggle to make any decisions and feel vacant and emotionally distant from everyone now. He fell out with my two best friends and my mum so I feel very alone. I keep trying to help him and be supportive but nothing is changing. I have just got an amazing job and this coincides with him being in a mood as he wanted me to work for him but I wanted to take this and do something for myself and im so far really happy and im sure he isn’t happy ive got a well paid nice job, maybe jealous. He hasn’t asked me once how my day has been in my new job. Yet I call him, msg him being nice and happy every day and always faced with him being miserable and snappy.
He ruins birthdays, Christmas everything by not wanting to partake. He said he didn’t want to do gifts this year and he has plenty of money it’s just him being that way out.
What are your thoughts? Part of me feel obliged to stay as he’s had a rough childhood and been through bad times so I feel for him, but when does that become an excuse to treat others unfairly. I do everything for him, cook, clean, do his books anything I can to help. Yet if I ask him to make me a brew he behaves like I have asked him for a kidney. Writing this down as it flows makes me realise even more how bad it is 😥

Yes I don’t think I have it in me to do before Christmas but I don’t want 2025 to be like the last two years. I want me the and kids to be happy so I know after Christmas I need to have the conversation with him. I had a brief chat with him this morning as he went to cuddle me in bed and I moved he asked what was wrong and I just said I felt down and fed up with how he treated me, the kids and his moods. He just said he knows he is bad at the moment but is under pressure and he does love me more than anything in the world. It’s just words though the actions say different and I know it’s not going to get better. Or if it does it’s just for a period of time then it’s bad again

Your children shouldn't need to be sheltered from another adult who lives in their home. You're naive to think this isn't impacting them.
Ultimately, this man needs to leave their home. You need to put your children first. His life experiences and history are not their, or your, cross to bear.

This is not a normal home environment for a child and the sooner you tell him to leave the happier you and your children will be.

I feel I am letting my children down
Well you're not wrong there.

Who's more important in this scenario - the abusive ex junkie or your children? I feel so sad for your little daughter having this toxic man in her home. I had a foul step father so I speak from experience. he died last year and no tears were shed - we (siblings and I) were relieved, but the damage had already been done to our relationship with our mother. She's trying to rewrite history now but it's too little too late. She inflicted that parasite on us and he screwed up our childhood.

Do better for your children.

Perhaps schedule the chat in for 27th… get Christmas out the way, then by the new year - hopefully he will leave no issues- but if not work with advice from womens aid and remove him.

remember, even with his past issues, theyre his, not yours. He may well stuff everything up again and walk down that path but that would be his decision. Your priority is you and the children. I hope its positive news on monday and you can enjoy Christmas x

new year, fresh start 👍

OP you sound incredibly unhappy. He does not sound supportive or caring or a good parental figure. Life is too short for this, you and your kids will be happier without him.

Do not let him sabotage your great new job.

Why don’t you take some time over Christmas to make a plan for getting him to leave? Do you have some IRL support. Given how he makes you feel you may want to have a friend or relative nearby when you break the news. You will also want to give him notice to leave in writing, get the locks changed quickly and get a ring doorbell or similar to keep a record just in case.

I would be skeptical of any promises he makes to change or get help. Why hasnt he done that already? And there's nothing to stop him doing that away from you, your kids and your home.

Good luck OP. Be strong. Make the new year count.

Does he pay towards bills and food, if so he has money to pay for a hotel while he finds somewhere to live. I wonder why his friends GF doesn't like him. When you say he doesn't like your friends I hope you haven't stopped seeing them as that is very controlling.

Does he still have a relationship with his mother? Could he not go and stay with her?
Addiction - I know several people who have overcome it who don’t behave like this. They usually go to
meetings, take care of their health, get involved in the community etc.
A couple have been through horrific childhoods who now have children of their own, all born after sobriety was a way of life. It can be done but this man has no real reason to change as his behaviour is allowed.
He can rent a room in house share if needs be.

Yes, it's abuse. Read this book (free pdf). The throwing and smashing things is him showing you "this could be you...". You're walking on eggshells to ensure that he doesn't harm you. It's not his trauma or his past or brain damage from previous drug use, it's because he thinks you don't need to be treated well. The book explains the reasons behind it so well as the author ran (still runs maybe) a domestic violence abuse rehabilitation group for men.

Can't he go to his Mum's? Please let 2025 be the year you take back all your energy from dealing with this arse of a man and give it back to your DC. They deserve it not him.

Start by reading the book and reconnecting with your mum and friends. Well done in your new job - congratulations. Contact women's aid or similar for help in getting him out. The book above also contains info about how to get out safely.

OP, he's playing on your good caring nature and hoping he can keep showing enough of his good side that you'll keep him in your home and his cushy lifestyle.

You've said that after twelve months he disclosed that he was a drug addict, and started showing worrying behaviour, things were getting worse, but you moved him in after 15 months. Did you feel pressure do this to "help" him?

Please remember that you didn't cause his problems, and you aren't responsible for fixing them. The only responsibility you have is to your DC, who will be so much better off without him in their homes and lives.

He's a grown adult and can sort himself out, whether he goes to stay with family or rents a room, it's not down to you to worry. He hasn't shown any regard for you after all.

Don't let Christmas be a factor, abuse can escalate over this time, it sounds like you'd be better off without him around.

Sorry but this is being awful to your daughter by not engaging with her. You are putting this man's needs above your own kids and yours. Is this the example you want to set for your kids that such a dysfunctional home life is ok and they should accept it ?

He is a grown man and has to take responsibility for himself, it's not on you to make sure he is housed and looked after.

Nobody is going to hold your hand OP. You need to take action now, today. What you have described will damage your children. Your daughter will never feel good enough and will end up trying to seek validation from shitty men.

This grown man is not your responsibility. Your kids are. Do the right thing.

Your children are your main responsibility, not him. It was a bad day for them when he moved into your home.

He targeted you deliberately to abuse. He saw something in you he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends; your codependent nature in that you feel responsible for him. He played the long game and saw you as a soft touch. Many people have poor childhoods and do not all become addicts or abusers as a result; it's an excuse and a poor one. Many abusers do target single mothers because they think they are so desperate for a man that they'd put up with any old shit.

If you do not act now to get this man out of your lives your relationship with your children going forward is at huge risk of ending completely particularly when they are adults. They won't want to see you because they will have seen you as putting him before them.

Put your children first and leave this relationship!. I hope you listen!!!

What about when he is smashing things...so Wrong!

Just to add, I'd actually go as far as to say that if he does end up on the streets, so be it. It's his own doing.

You are obviously a kind person, and he is taking advantage of that. But you have to be kind to your children. I bet that you kicking him out now would be the best Christmas present they could have wished for. And in the long term, you’ll see it was the best one you could have given yourself too. I cannot imagine putting my daughter through a Christmas Day during which she was ignored by my partner. How utterly, utterly, miserable.

Yes it’s abusive, but it doesn’t matter if it is or not. All you need is to decide that you would slightly prefer to not be with him, for whatever reason.

And you have massive massive reasons that are your children’s welfare.

Yes to all of this!

Get this man out of your house and protect your children FGS. No amount of “sheltering them” ensures their safety from this awful person.

It's possible to have a relationship without the man ever moving in with you, much better to have your own space.

Part of me feel obliged to stay as he’s had a rough childhood

So you're letting him ruin your kids childhood just to assuage your guilt?

Come on OP, you know what you have to do. Stop making excuses and just rip the plaster off.

Agree !!!!

Fck that carry on

Your kids are your number one priority

Sorry to hear he is so vile

How dare he

Its so hard but I have never, ever met someone who said, 'yeh my dad/ mum/ step-parent etc was abusive but I had no idea and a very safe, happy childhood because my other parent totally shielded me and I had no idea'.

You do your best you mitigate but they know and they are damaged. The good times do not outweigh the bad and even low level abuse can have lifelong consequences. If you are in the position you have to ask, then yes you need to leave.

Its always, 'My dad/ step dad had a temper. Mum did everything to keep us safe but we knew and walked on eggshells, home was never a sanctuary etc and I still don't feel safe in relationships'

For the love of God do it before Christmas.

You’ve said in your own words that he doesn’t bother with your children and you keep them separate.

What sort of toxic situation is that for children to be living? You may think they don’t notice but they absolutely will do.

Get rid of him so your children can relax and be happy in their own home over Christmas, not walking on egg shells around someone who ignores them.

Why can’t you do it before Christmas? Why is not upsetting him higher on your priorities than giving you and your DC a lovely peaceful happy Christmas without his shadow looming over you all?

The best gift you can give your DC this Christmas is getting this toxic presence out of their home

Of course this is abuse. He's a dysfunctional fuck-up who takes out his problems on you and your children. He's very abusive and any mental health issues he has are not an excuse for that.