Is this abuse?

[Rosiered40]

Need relationship advice. Is he abusive?
I have been with my partner for 3 years now.
I have two children from previous marriage. One is a teen the other is 7. The first year he was amazing, fun, generous, great with the kids but the last 2 years have been a constant rollercoaster.
After being together for a while he told me he used to be big into drugs even injecting heroin at one point. He’s been clean for 5 years but clearly troubled. He has had investigations for bipolar. When things are good they are good, then we have a bad few months where it’s awful. He’s depressed, barely speaks, suicidal yet refuses to get help. His moods dictate our relationship and I feel I never know who is walking through the door so always on egg shells. He’s never hit me but when angry is intimidating smashing things up and throwing things. I feel like I am a shell of my former self and go out of my way to try please him yet there is no pleasing him when he is in these moods. I’m 5 weeks into this mood of his and I just feel like I need advice. I live for the good times. I am never allowed to challenge him or say why I’m upset as he blows up and goes mad and makes it about him and how hard is life is. So I stay silent most of the time to save further agro

I feel I am letting my children down as when is nasty to me I’m emotional and short with them and can’t be the best parent for them as I’m upset. My teen son he gets on with quite well but he barely speaks to my daughter now. I’d be lucky if he even says hello to her in a single day the convo between them is that sparse. He said he doesn’t like her attitude and holds her normal little girl behaviour, sass, being too loud, coming down stairs when I put her to bed against her as his reason he barely talks to her.
I don’t want her growing up thinking it’s normal for things to be this way yet I feel in freeze mode like I can’t action anything. I struggle to make any decisions and feel vacant and emotionally distant from everyone now. He fell out with my two best friends and my mum so I feel very alone. I keep trying to help him and be supportive but nothing is changing. I have just got an amazing job and this coincides with him being in a mood as he wanted me to work for him but I wanted to take this and do something for myself and im so far really happy and im sure he isn’t happy ive got a well paid nice job, maybe jealous. He hasn’t asked me once how my day has been in my new job. Yet I call him, msg him being nice and happy every day and always faced with him being miserable and snappy.
He ruins birthdays, Christmas everything by not wanting to partake. He said he didn’t want to do gifts this year and he has plenty of money it’s just him being that way out.
What are your thoughts? Part of me feel obliged to stay as he’s had a rough childhood and been through bad times so I feel for him, but when does that become an excuse to treat others unfairly. I do everything for him, cook, clean, do his books anything I can to help. Yet if I ask him to make me a brew he behaves like I have asked him for a kidney. Writing this down as it flows makes me realise even more how bad it is 😥

Hey, stay strong and do not take him back. Your children will love havIng their home back and you will miss him initially but it’s more a co-dependence. He’s so bad for you all… why would you even want him back?
How lovely to not have to tread on eggshells !

Try not to think of it the way you are. You are forgotten because you’re of no use to him now. He was using you and controlling you. He didn’t love you. You could see that from the awful way he treated you. So it should be no surprise that he’s “forgotten” you.
If anything, this should strengthen your resolve to have nothing more to do with him. In fact, be glad he’s not trying to manipulate you into taking him back. The less you hear from him the better. He’s making it easier for you to move on.

OP you are not alone, you have your children and friends and family. You can't miss someone who treated you so badly and his being around your children is damaging. You don't have to sit there alone. Make plans to do things for yourself - join a yoga class or a book group, get out in the fresh air for a walk in nature. Breathe deeply and embrace your freedom. Take yourself to a nice café and meet a friend for a coffee or brunch. You have one life - you need to get out and live it! You are worth so much more than that pathetic excuse of a man 💐

Well done, keep reading your first post when you feel “ sorry” for him , that will be your reminder of what you did what you did. Keep strong and think about your children, I assume you see a positive difference in your household already

I actually have seen a difference in the house. The kids haven’t left my side, my daughter was in the front room showing me her dancing and being silly and laughing. My son had music on YouTube it made me really happy. They both were being there authentic self with no one there with a face like a slapped arse or not coping with noise. I’ve really put on a brave face for them both, not cried in front of them or discussed anything. I know how much my children adore me I need to hold that tight right now and get through this for them.

Absolutely you will, it won’t be easy but you’re a mother first , you have a duty to your kids. You’ll get there , no problem 👏🏻

They've been suppressing their joy all this time too. Because they feared his moods just like you.

Get angry op. Your kids couldn't really be kids because they were walking on egg shells with that horrible arsehole around.

So young and already being conditioned to pander to the moods of volatile people and dim their own shine.

When the dust settles, be sure to have a chat with them about the sort of behaviour we don't accept from partners and why you therefore had to end things with your ex.

It’s still very fresh to feel so raw.
He has done a lot of damage in your home to
all of you.
But look at how happy your kids are straight away. They can heal now from the horrible atmosphere.
And that will help you.