Is this abuse?

[Rosiered40]

Need relationship advice. Is he abusive?
I have been with my partner for 3 years now.
I have two children from previous marriage. One is a teen the other is 7. The first year he was amazing, fun, generous, great with the kids but the last 2 years have been a constant rollercoaster.
After being together for a while he told me he used to be big into drugs even injecting heroin at one point. He’s been clean for 5 years but clearly troubled. He has had investigations for bipolar. When things are good they are good, then we have a bad few months where it’s awful. He’s depressed, barely speaks, suicidal yet refuses to get help. His moods dictate our relationship and I feel I never know who is walking through the door so always on egg shells. He’s never hit me but when angry is intimidating smashing things up and throwing things. I feel like I am a shell of my former self and go out of my way to try please him yet there is no pleasing him when he is in these moods. I’m 5 weeks into this mood of his and I just feel like I need advice. I live for the good times. I am never allowed to challenge him or say why I’m upset as he blows up and goes mad and makes it about him and how hard is life is. So I stay silent most of the time to save further agro

I feel I am letting my children down as when is nasty to me I’m emotional and short with them and can’t be the best parent for them as I’m upset. My teen son he gets on with quite well but he barely speaks to my daughter now. I’d be lucky if he even says hello to her in a single day the convo between them is that sparse. He said he doesn’t like her attitude and holds her normal little girl behaviour, sass, being too loud, coming down stairs when I put her to bed against her as his reason he barely talks to her.
I don’t want her growing up thinking it’s normal for things to be this way yet I feel in freeze mode like I can’t action anything. I struggle to make any decisions and feel vacant and emotionally distant from everyone now. He fell out with my two best friends and my mum so I feel very alone. I keep trying to help him and be supportive but nothing is changing. I have just got an amazing job and this coincides with him being in a mood as he wanted me to work for him but I wanted to take this and do something for myself and im so far really happy and im sure he isn’t happy ive got a well paid nice job, maybe jealous. He hasn’t asked me once how my day has been in my new job. Yet I call him, msg him being nice and happy every day and always faced with him being miserable and snappy.
He ruins birthdays, Christmas everything by not wanting to partake. He said he didn’t want to do gifts this year and he has plenty of money it’s just him being that way out.
What are your thoughts? Part of me feel obliged to stay as he’s had a rough childhood and been through bad times so I feel for him, but when does that become an excuse to treat others unfairly. I do everything for him, cook, clean, do his books anything I can to help. Yet if I ask him to make me a brew he behaves like I have asked him for a kidney. Writing this down as it flows makes me realise even more how bad it is 😥

Well done OP! Good to see you putting your mental health first for once.
DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK

He sounds deeply troubled it’s just not practical to carry on as you are

Well done on doing what needed to be done.

Pack up his stuff and take it to his friend’s or his mother’s house so he doesn’t have any reason to come back to your place.

Whatever he decides to do now, it’s not your fault or your responsibility. Focus on yourself and your kids.

Well done 👏
Please don't let him back, it took strength and purpose to do what you did and you might not find it again...
Seems he doesn't get on with females 🤔 put your daughter foremost and show her how to be strong
Keep going ✨️

Who cares if he's troubled? He made her little girl's life a misery.

Please dont chase this uter waste of oxygen.

You say he had a crap childhood - well thats what your giving your DC by pandering to this man. If you are truely worried he has harmed himself get the police involved.
You need support yourself to see the damage this relationship is doing.

Wow well done op. Do not, whatever happens- whatever sob story he gives you, give in and let him back. Your poor children having to live with this absolute nob. Do better. This is the first step in doing better. Stay strong 💪

Thank you all for the messages. His friend had heard from this morning about work so I know he is alive so to speak.
I havent called or messaged him once since the blow up and I don’t plan on doing so.
Ive barely slept last night just feeling full of anxiety. It’s strange him not being here as it’s habit I guess. But when he is here he is just awful to me anyway. My daughter slept in my bed last night which was nice, I really don’t wanna go to work but moping at home won’t help just feel emotionally very fragile. I have told his friend he will have to come get his stuff as I can’t handle him coming round as I know it will likely blow up and I will just get very upset. I’ve put so much of my energy in to him and wasted 3 years all for nothing.
I just need to give myself time I guess.

Well done OP here’s to a happier life without him xx

Well done OP. Once his stuff has gone it might be better all round to block him so he can’t contact you and try and worm his way back in.

Do not give in to his emotional blackmail and promises of change - it will all be lies

Please look at doing the freedom programme to understand yourself better and to spot red flags sooner

It will be tough but you’ve made the right decision for your daughter and you.

Dont let him talk his way back in x

I feel really upset this morning, drove to my work meeting but couldn’t face going in. Riddled with anxiety. He’s surfaced, slept in his car all night, now he’s gone to a mutuals friends for a shower. Everyone rallying round him making sure he is okay. He’s said he is upset and fragile. No mention of me or how I am. Just makes me feel worthless. Only cares about himself no thought about the damage he has done to my family and me. Just wanting pity I’ve told him to leave! I haven’t spoken to him and he hasn’t tried to contact me just found out all this from a friend.

He won't.

You are going to have to get him out.

He can find a house share.

He's an adult, that's his responsibility, not yours

I would not have him around a 7 yr old and a teen.

It sounds like he's out, good for you.

I wouldn't expect sorrow, sympathy and pity for you ...he really doesn't sound like the type.

Let his friends rally around, great. He's off your plate.

I'm so glad you found your anger.
You deserve so much more, as do your children.
You're bound to feel fragile and upset. One day at a time.
And yes to a pps suggestion of packing his stuff and taking it to his mums or friends.
You're going to be ok ❤️

Well done for sheltering your kids from the worst of it, it can't have been easy.
No matter what happens, don't let him come back into your lives. You owe him nothing.

I know you really want and value this job.
Don’t let him ruin it.
While you have had to get up, be a mum and go to work, he’s circling his sympathy wagons.
Do not let him guilt trip you.
I am sure he’s not telling everyone how vile he’s been to your DD.
He has parents, friends and a job. At the very least he could get a room to rent or stay somewhere. He was quite happy getting pissed watching the football yesterday.
Please disengage from his circle.

Of course everyone is going to rally around him. He is the victim with his poor mental health and all this. He is good at this thats how he's got you to put up with his bulshit for 3 years. You know better now. You know the real him. You are not going to fall for that nonsense again.
Keep him and his friends away. The less you know about him the better. You just don't care anymore.

Something to consider is if your 'friends' knew how he treated you. Because lots of abusers friends are either codependent enablers (the sort of people who say things like 'yeah he's an asshole but he's OUR asshole') or similarly abusive.

If they knew what was going on and remained his friend...they aren't your friend and realistically, never have been.

The only exceptions might be those who always told you you could do better but felt they couldn't say more until you chose to leave. But will now come forwards and support your decision.

Anyone that's not asking you how you are and too concerned running after him, drop them. They might not be bad people. But they're not your friends. They're his.

A hard lesson of realising abuse and finally walking away is that we start to realise how other people around us were toxic too. We just tolerated it because they were not as bad as him or because we didn't notice how our energy was being sapped by them because no one notices a scratch when it's next to a knife wound.

Ok. So you need to not give a shit about everyone rallying round. He's feeding them one side of the story.

There's little point in trying to persuade people of the truth even if they ask.

Just walk away from it all with your quiet dignity.

This man is vile and a nightmare to live with. You know the truth. You don't have to justify your decisions to ANYONE.

Oh my God, you have done SO WELL getting him out. Please, please don't let anything make you take him back. As others have said ignore what people are doing for him. Don't even think about it and, whatever happens, don't let any guilt or regret slide in to your thoughts. Just carry on and make an amazing lifenfor yourself and your children. Congratulations!

Having just read all your posts again, you need to keep this man out. Even his own mum has told you to.
He mistreats your daughter, he has alienated you from your friends and own mum, and did not care when you had a cancer scare.
He put on a performance to get a place in your home and dropped the act.
He is not homeless. He just doesn’t live in your home any more. He could find a place to stay today.
He is also an addict and whilst he maybe technically clean it’s not a good idea for him to drink. He’s certainly not living a sober life.
If you keep him out you have a chance to give your kids stability. If you let him back in, you could end up losing your job, and that beautiful DD of yours could one day have terrible relationships blamed on her childhood.
Put her before him.
And don’t engage with anyone he knows.

I feel really pathetic as I feel so heartbroken.
He hasn’t tried to contact me I just feel quickly forgotten he knows how he has treated me and clearly how upset I was yesterday to end it. I miss him even though he treated me badly it was familiar to me, now I’m just sat here alone. Even though 80% of the time he didn’t really speak to me or positively engage with me. Just feel actually unwell with all this.

Well done @Rosiered40 you've taken the first step towards a happier future for you and your children. It's not unusual to miss him, but, please, please, do not have him back under any circumstances. You deserve so much better, and so do your children. Stay strong, you can do this!

I feel I am letting my children down

What else do you need to know in order to do what you clearly need to do?

You need to do the Freedom Programme as a matter of urgency. And get counselling.