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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse?

132 replies

Rosiered40 · 19/12/2024 23:58

Need relationship advice. Is he abusive?
I have been with my partner for 3 years now.
I have two children from previous marriage. One is a teen the other is 7. The first year he was amazing, fun, generous, great with the kids but the last 2 years have been a constant rollercoaster.
After being together for a while he told me he used to be big into drugs even injecting heroin at one point. He’s been clean for 5 years but clearly troubled. He has had investigations for bipolar. When things are good they are good, then we have a bad few months where it’s awful. He’s depressed, barely speaks, suicidal yet refuses to get help. His moods dictate our relationship and I feel I never know who is walking through the door so always on egg shells. He’s never hit me but when angry is intimidating smashing things up and throwing things. I feel like I am a shell of my former self and go out of my way to try please him yet there is no pleasing him when he is in these moods. I’m 5 weeks into this mood of his and I just feel like I need advice. I live for the good times. I am never allowed to challenge him or say why I’m upset as he blows up and goes mad and makes it about him and how hard is life is. So I stay silent most of the time to save further agro

I feel I am letting my children down as when is nasty to me I’m emotional and short with them and can’t be the best parent for them as I’m upset. My teen son he gets on with quite well but he barely speaks to my daughter now. I’d be lucky if he even says hello to her in a single day the convo between them is that sparse. He said he doesn’t like her attitude and holds her normal little girl behaviour, sass, being too loud, coming down stairs when I put her to bed against her as his reason he barely talks to her.
I don’t want her growing up thinking it’s normal for things to be this way yet I feel in freeze mode like I can’t action anything. I struggle to make any decisions and feel vacant and emotionally distant from everyone now. He fell out with my two best friends and my mum so I feel very alone. I keep trying to help him and be supportive but nothing is changing. I have just got an amazing job and this coincides with him being in a mood as he wanted me to work for him but I wanted to take this and do something for myself and im so far really happy and im sure he isn’t happy ive got a well paid nice job, maybe jealous. He hasn’t asked me once how my day has been in my new job. Yet I call him, msg him being nice and happy every day and always faced with him being miserable and snappy.
He ruins birthdays, Christmas everything by not wanting to partake. He said he didn’t want to do gifts this year and he has plenty of money it’s just him being that way out.
What are your thoughts? Part of me feel obliged to stay as he’s had a rough childhood and been through bad times so I feel for him, but when does that become an excuse to treat others unfairly. I do everything for him, cook, clean, do his books anything I can to help. Yet if I ask him to make me a brew he behaves like I have asked him for a kidney. Writing this down as it flows makes me realise even more how bad it is 😥

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosiered40 · 16/03/2025 20:03

I haven’t posted for a while so just wanted to come on to update you. The last few months have been really crappy. I have wanted to end things for the last week but couldn’t find my voice. He has barely spoken to me all week and said he feels mentally poorly.
Ive tried to help but all he has done has been awful to me, ignoring me, calling me names.

Anyway today he left for work after being horrible again I’ve been anxious and upset all day. I didn’t know what time he would be home and a mutual friend told me he was round there’s drinking and watching footy.

I don’t know what came over me such anger I drove up there, walked in, took my house key off his keys and told him I’m done, he’s a bully, a narcissist and had an utter breakdown. He got up and left and no one knows where he has gone. Not at his best mates or parents. My worry is what if he harms himself? Il be too blame as I know he was already not in a great place?

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 16/03/2025 20:07

Your priorities need to be you,and the children
The police can circulate him as a vulnerable adult. Hopefully he’s safe and if in crisis get the help he need
However, you need to prioritise you and the kids

NotQuiteDone · 16/03/2025 20:15

Great advice from the above poster @Rosiered40 . Look after yourself and the kids and call the police (or let his friends/parents do so) if he may be vulnerable. I think you did the right thing.

LifeExperience · 16/03/2025 20:17

You are not responsible for another adult's decisions, regardless of that adult's upbringing. Having a crap childhood is no excuse for being a controlling, manipulative, abusive twat.

You need to end it. Today. You are indulging your feelings and emotions while hurting your children, and you have no right to do that. Do what is best for them, please.

2Hot2Handle · 16/03/2025 20:25

Rosiered40 · 16/03/2025 20:03

I haven’t posted for a while so just wanted to come on to update you. The last few months have been really crappy. I have wanted to end things for the last week but couldn’t find my voice. He has barely spoken to me all week and said he feels mentally poorly.
Ive tried to help but all he has done has been awful to me, ignoring me, calling me names.

Anyway today he left for work after being horrible again I’ve been anxious and upset all day. I didn’t know what time he would be home and a mutual friend told me he was round there’s drinking and watching footy.

I don’t know what came over me such anger I drove up there, walked in, took my house key off his keys and told him I’m done, he’s a bully, a narcissist and had an utter breakdown. He got up and left and no one knows where he has gone. Not at his best mates or parents. My worry is what if he harms himself? Il be too blame as I know he was already not in a great place?

You’re not to blame for a grown adult’s behaviour, or decisions. By not telling you about the drugs, right from the off, he has been dishonest from the beginning, and taken away your choice of whether or not to pursue a relationship him, knowing the full story.

Leave him to his family now and keep him away from your children. You’ve done the right thing, getting your keys back and removing him from the house.

Tiswa · 16/03/2025 20:29

You will not be to blame you are not and never will be responsible for another adults happiness - never at the expense of your own and your children for whom you are responsible.

protecr yourself -

Channellingsophistication · 16/03/2025 20:47

You are not to responsible for him OP. He wasn’t bothered about you when you were in a difficult place when you were worried about your cyst. He has his mum anyway.

Keep looking forward, not back! You need to focus on you and your DCs.

cestlavielife · 16/03/2025 20:51

Get your dc away from this.
Can they go live with their dad while you sort out and get out of this relation ship?because they are in the firing line here . They are aware.
and on a bad day he smashed things they might get in the way
This is very serious and damaging to the dc
And to you but you are choosing to put dc in harm s way

cestlavielife · 16/03/2025 20:53

Ok you have
Good
You are not responsible for his actions

NimbleTiger · 16/03/2025 20:53

Look up npd or Jeckyl and Hyde on quora ...lots to read and educate yourself with what is happening...if you can separate do so. If not work silently behind the scenes to enable yourself to do so.he will flip back to being nice but the length of time this lasts will become shorter and the bad times longer. Stop trying to be everything it won't make a difference.concentrate on you and give up trying to fix 'it'. Hugs

Emma6cat · 16/03/2025 21:03

You seem so weak, its very sad. Good riddance to him

ShouldIEvenBother · 16/03/2025 21:15

Emma6cat · 16/03/2025 21:03

You seem so weak, its very sad. Good riddance to him

Good riddance, yes. But the OP being weak, I disagree. It took great strength for the OP to do what she has done - and context is always important.

OP, let this strength carry you forward. Please do not think that standing up for yourself is equivalent to being a horrible person. It is the hallmark of someone who knows their worth. You are allowed happiness. You are not responsible for this man. You do not have to suffer in a diabolical relationship to be a good or worthy person.

💐

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/03/2025 21:16

Emma6cat · 16/03/2025 21:03

You seem so weak, its very sad. Good riddance to him

Abuse has a cumulative that erodes and undermines judgment,decision making and confidence. Sad is that this has had such an impact upon op and her children

Iloveyoubut · 16/03/2025 21:22

Rosiered40 · 20/12/2024 00:10

He lives with me In my house so I can technically kick him out but he would be homeless. He isn’t awful to my daughter just doesn’t engage with her anymore which hurts me. I tend to keep the kids very separate to me and him. He works late a lot so I try keep them apart if that makes sense. It’s not great I know and I know I am failing as a parent I just feel I can’t take action like I am literally frozen

He is awful to your daughter. Look how he is happy to treat her mother. Please tell him to leave.

RavenLaw · 16/03/2025 21:24

Rosiered40 · 16/03/2025 20:03

I haven’t posted for a while so just wanted to come on to update you. The last few months have been really crappy. I have wanted to end things for the last week but couldn’t find my voice. He has barely spoken to me all week and said he feels mentally poorly.
Ive tried to help but all he has done has been awful to me, ignoring me, calling me names.

Anyway today he left for work after being horrible again I’ve been anxious and upset all day. I didn’t know what time he would be home and a mutual friend told me he was round there’s drinking and watching footy.

I don’t know what came over me such anger I drove up there, walked in, took my house key off his keys and told him I’m done, he’s a bully, a narcissist and had an utter breakdown. He got up and left and no one knows where he has gone. Not at his best mates or parents. My worry is what if he harms himself? Il be too blame as I know he was already not in a great place?

Well done.

And no, you won't be to blame. You've bent over backwards to help this man and all you got for your efforts was the silent treatment interspersed with being called names.

He's been dumped and that is HIS fault. Because HE is an abusive bully. Whatever choices HE makes next is down to HIM. Absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with you - you concentrate on your lovely kids.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/03/2025 21:43

Where he goes now is not your problem. He is finally out of your lives and you now need to rebuild your relationship with your kids which you harmed.

You are not a rehab centre for some badly raised man. You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship , neither approach works. He saw you as a soft touch to abuse and otherwise mistreat as he saw fit.

Do read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie and enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme.

Millyjanice · 16/03/2025 21:57

Well done,OP !
You can focus your positive energy on yourself and your kids now.

You are not responsible for what happens to that vile man. He is ! Whatever you do, never talk to him again. Abusive bullies have a habit of trying to manipulate their victims into getting back together.Love bombing is one of the techniques, so he may try to come crawling back with best behaviour on show ! Beware !

Sodthesystem · 16/03/2025 23:21

Rosiered40 · 20/12/2024 00:10

He lives with me In my house so I can technically kick him out but he would be homeless. He isn’t awful to my daughter just doesn’t engage with her anymore which hurts me. I tend to keep the kids very separate to me and him. He works late a lot so I try keep them apart if that makes sense. It’s not great I know and I know I am failing as a parent I just feel I can’t take action like I am literally frozen

Oh boohoo the poor abusive man who smashes things up and intimidated a woman when he doesn't get his way. My heart bleeds that due to his own actions he'll be homeless. Pft. So fucking what. He's a bully. The streets in spring are too good for him. Get rid. Do it by text when he's out and change your locks. Drop his stuff on the doorstep. Have family or friends over for a few days till you know he's gone. Call the police if he kicks off or harassed you. Don't answer the door to him or meet him in person.

Sodthesystem · 16/03/2025 23:29

Rosiered40 · 16/03/2025 20:03

I haven’t posted for a while so just wanted to come on to update you. The last few months have been really crappy. I have wanted to end things for the last week but couldn’t find my voice. He has barely spoken to me all week and said he feels mentally poorly.
Ive tried to help but all he has done has been awful to me, ignoring me, calling me names.

Anyway today he left for work after being horrible again I’ve been anxious and upset all day. I didn’t know what time he would be home and a mutual friend told me he was round there’s drinking and watching footy.

I don’t know what came over me such anger I drove up there, walked in, took my house key off his keys and told him I’m done, he’s a bully, a narcissist and had an utter breakdown. He got up and left and no one knows where he has gone. Not at his best mates or parents. My worry is what if he harms himself? Il be too blame as I know he was already not in a great place?

It's good he's gone.

He wants you to worry. Bugger that.
Hell know you're calling around his parents etc...
Stop, they know he's missing now, let them worry about it.

Use this time to get your locks changed. Drop his things round his parents. If he does get in touch threatening anything, don't reply, just tell his parents. Or tell the ambulance service if you know where he is and they can deal with it however they see fit. But don't reply to him.

Tbh, I'd block him actually. But maybe it's worthwhile not, incase he threatens to show up or something. Keeps you informed of his mindset.

But definitely get your locks changed asap as he may have another key. Leave your key in the door tonight.

Ps, don't be surprised if you find there's another woman on the scene. It happens. If there is then it's a good thing as hopefully it'll keep him distracted.

Well done op. Seriously you should pay yourself on the back.

RandomMess · 16/03/2025 23:41

Everything the other wise posters had written.

Change the locks and learn the grey rock technique 💐

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 16/03/2025 23:58

He is an emotional vampire, they pull all the energy from those around them leaving you feeling empty inside and hopeless, constantly working to please someone who is never satisfied with anything. I would ruin for the hills!

They did a study on negativity btw and found that when we say or think negative things it actually changes our brain and leaves us more likely to think negative things in future so people like that are literally black holes that suck everything good from a room and are highly unlikely to change as their brains are now geared to see things in a negative light.

I dated a guy like that briefly and it was like I was in a trance, I went out of my way to make him happy (it never worked) and lost myself in the process - the maddest thing is I didn’t even like him that much, it was pure manipulation on his part. He is the only person I’ve ever dumped by text because anytime I tried in person he had a crisis, was suicidal etc and I ended up feeling guilty and running around after him again. When I did dump him properly he surprisingly did not fall apart as he had said he would (though sent lots of messages about what I had done to him and how I hadn’t considered his fragile mental health). Emotionally manipulative abusers will sometimes claim “poor mental health” to keep you locked in and unable to leave - it is a deliberate move, anytime you try to leave he will have a crisis or a breakdown. My guy was definitely a narcissist!

I would speak to a therapist and work out how to break ties and try to get back to who you were before he came into your life. Honestly when you get a bit of distance a weight will be lifted, I know you think you are shielding your kids but it is not normal or right to have a man like this in your house and is not a good role model to have around. It impacts them, even if it’s not obvious now.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 17/03/2025 00:06

Do not take him back. Year 1 was an act the rest is the real him.

SuffolkUnicorn · 17/03/2025 00:07

kick him out he’s an abuser

SuffolkUnicorn · 17/03/2025 00:08

He feels ‘mentally poorly’ what a wankstain

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 17/03/2025 04:24

Well done!! You've saved yourself and your children so much misery.

You mustn't worry about where he's gone or what he's done to himself. He's an adult and responsible for himself.

You're free of this bullying creep. God, your poor dcs living with this awful man.