Is this abuse?

[Rosiered40]

Need relationship advice. Is he abusive?
I have been with my partner for 3 years now.
I have two children from previous marriage. One is a teen the other is 7. The first year he was amazing, fun, generous, great with the kids but the last 2 years have been a constant rollercoaster.
After being together for a while he told me he used to be big into drugs even injecting heroin at one point. He’s been clean for 5 years but clearly troubled. He has had investigations for bipolar. When things are good they are good, then we have a bad few months where it’s awful. He’s depressed, barely speaks, suicidal yet refuses to get help. His moods dictate our relationship and I feel I never know who is walking through the door so always on egg shells. He’s never hit me but when angry is intimidating smashing things up and throwing things. I feel like I am a shell of my former self and go out of my way to try please him yet there is no pleasing him when he is in these moods. I’m 5 weeks into this mood of his and I just feel like I need advice. I live for the good times. I am never allowed to challenge him or say why I’m upset as he blows up and goes mad and makes it about him and how hard is life is. So I stay silent most of the time to save further agro

I feel I am letting my children down as when is nasty to me I’m emotional and short with them and can’t be the best parent for them as I’m upset. My teen son he gets on with quite well but he barely speaks to my daughter now. I’d be lucky if he even says hello to her in a single day the convo between them is that sparse. He said he doesn’t like her attitude and holds her normal little girl behaviour, sass, being too loud, coming down stairs when I put her to bed against her as his reason he barely talks to her.
I don’t want her growing up thinking it’s normal for things to be this way yet I feel in freeze mode like I can’t action anything. I struggle to make any decisions and feel vacant and emotionally distant from everyone now. He fell out with my two best friends and my mum so I feel very alone. I keep trying to help him and be supportive but nothing is changing. I have just got an amazing job and this coincides with him being in a mood as he wanted me to work for him but I wanted to take this and do something for myself and im so far really happy and im sure he isn’t happy ive got a well paid nice job, maybe jealous. He hasn’t asked me once how my day has been in my new job. Yet I call him, msg him being nice and happy every day and always faced with him being miserable and snappy.
He ruins birthdays, Christmas everything by not wanting to partake. He said he didn’t want to do gifts this year and he has plenty of money it’s just him being that way out.
What are your thoughts? Part of me feel obliged to stay as he’s had a rough childhood and been through bad times so I feel for him, but when does that become an excuse to treat others unfairly. I do everything for him, cook, clean, do his books anything I can to help. Yet if I ask him to make me a brew he behaves like I have asked him for a kidney. Writing this down as it flows makes me realise even more how bad it is 😥

I was in an almost identical situation with my second husband. Took me seven years to leave him. I was a shell of my former self and my two kids were emotionally damaged by the relationship, which still haunts me and makes me feel ashamed now 15 years later.

Find the strength to end the relationship. Kick him out so you and your children can rebuild and live the life you all deserve. Don't let it go on for years like I did.

Why would he leave? He won’t…because as you say he would then be homeless plus he has you to abuse and 2 bonus casualties in your kids!!!

You are going to have to send him on his way OP. Whatever bloody sob story he gives you (and they are not sob stories btw - abusers just love to paint themselves as the victim no matter the scenario) does not trump the needs of your children to have a happy healthy home, they deserve that.

It’s your home, your life and your kids childhood, there are no do overs. You have to be strong for yourself and your kids and kick him the fuck out!!!

No one but no one gets to rage in mine and my kids home, break stuff, get angry and aggressive and think they can to continue to stay there!!

I will call Idas today, I googled and I think these are the people I go to in my area.
I just need some support doing everything.
I know my children deserve better.

I can’t have anymore children as I had cervical cancer so can’t carry now. I had a ct scan a few weeks ago and have one every year to make sure I am still okay. My doctors receptionist called me yesterday to book me in for Monday to discuss the results which they haven’t done before and I was in a total panic and called my partner and his response was to not call him being negative and he has enough on. This was the trigger to me joining and posting as I realised if shit hits the fan and I am ever poorly how alone I would be to deal with it. And what a selfish bastard he is.

Anyway I logged into my nhs app this morning and I can see the results and the only bad thing is I have a large ovarian haemorrhaging cyst so thankfully no sign of recurring cancer but his reaction was eye opening and he never checked in on me after the call after even though I was upset. Just saw me when he got home and never mentioned it either and I didn’t want to bring up it as it’s a deemed negative in his eyes.

You need a partner, not a project.

Get rid of him, it's not your issue of he'll be homeless if he doesn't live with you.

God, what an uncaring bastard @Rosiered40 . I really hope your cyst is easily treatable and you’re not in any pain. Yes, that is definitely a LTB trigger. Don’t feel any guilt either (he will turn on the manipulation to try and make you relent, but you absolutely can resist this and take back your life and control. Look how strong you are to have got through the cancer!)

I really do hope you can find and sustain your anger over this latest awful, dismissive and cruel reaction to your latest health scare @Rosiered40

He really needs to go and I hope you find the support and means to do so, please maintain your resolve. I wouldn't even discuss anything with him going forward. Thank goodness you have your own place, should make it much easier.

YES this is abusive. Please leave now before it gets worse.

There are many women (and threads) on here that will guide you through separating SAFELY from this man (and the police if you need them)
Then there are tools to help you not go down that path again after the split.
You can do this 💐

You’ve conditioned yourself and your children to live with a monster.

Look up the affects on the brain after extreme drug abuse.

You’ll never be able to save him, but you can save your children.

The children who are being damaged here are yours, OP. They may seem fine, but seeing their mother being treated like this, living on a knife edge, is storing up future trouble for them. They need to see what a loving relationship looks like, and all they are seeing is a very damaged man lashing out at their mother.
You have a responsibility to them as your children which outranks any you have to a man who is abusing you.
And he is abusing you, in many, many ways.
His life is his own to manage. It’s not your job to provide him with anything. He makes a living doing something so he can afford to live somewhere else. He will not be homeless.
Your children are not fine, and you are traumatised - that’s why you feel frozen.
Agree with posters who are telling you to call Women’s Aid. They can give you the best advice.
You are a really kind person and mum - set yourself free from this man while your children are young enough to learn to live in freedom again.
You certainly don’t want either of them to have problems later in life that can be blamed on what is happening now.
You own your home, it’s your family home, it’s not his and he needs to go. Choose your children.

Just read your update. You need to take care of your health. I know the cyst isn’t ideal but it’s much more positive news than you might have received. Take that as a sign that freedom is there if you choose it.
He does not care because he is an addict. He might not be using right now, but he is displaying the same selfish traits as someone who is.
I hope you get the help you need there are lots of great people on here who have been through the same. Keep posting and they will offer great advice.

He IS awful to your daughter. Not engaging with her in her own home is awful. It breaks my heart to think of your 7 year old girl unable to be herself in her own home - because I promise you that she will have noticed what has happened and is walking on egg shells too.

Sorry to be harsh OP but you ARE being a bad parent right now. Putting your children first is the bare minimum of good parenting. Why on earth are you worrying about his housing situation, over your children’s wellbeing? He lived somewhere before, he will do again. Kick him out today. There are absolutely no reasons or excuses to justify having him stay a moment longer.

You’re not happy in the relationship. That is all the reason you need to break up with him. But yes, he is being abusive - you should never feel intimidated or afraid in your own home.

Dump him today and have a happy Christmas.

Woman up and start protecting your daughter from this awful man. Kick him out.

I understand the conflict but yes abusive and he's boiled the frog. That reaction to your news about your scan is rightly the tipping point. So glad it's your house and you will be financially ok, so many times the financial aspect of a split is so daunting I would hesitate to recommend splitting but he honestly needs to go.

Why would you even want to stay with this awful man? Do you even like him? My DM, as much as I loved her, put us through this exact situation when we were younger and my brother never forgave her. You're storing up trouble and dysfunctional relationships with your children when they're older.

He moved in after about 15 months and things were very good. I didn’t just move him in.

You moved an ex heroin addict in with your young children when you had only known him for a year....?

Get your child away from this man.

He didn’t tell me about his drug use until the 2 year mark and he told me whilst drunk and we discussed it the next day. I spoke to his mum about it as we have a good relationship and she knows how he is with his moods. She has even said to kick him out. To be fair on the drug thing, if I’d of known from day 1 I’d of not persued it but I didn’t. He went to rehab and is the most anti drug person I know. Hates all drugs and panics even taken painkillers now. But I know the damage this has probably caused his brain and the trauma of being an addict is irreversible

does he own his own business? You said he wanted you to work for him? Does he have money? Can he rent somewhere on his own? Does he have anyone he could stay with over Christmas?

He owns his own business yes, it’s not doing that great but he has his own money yes. He has a friend he can go too but his friends girlfriend doesn’t like him so she won’t want him there. I know what I need to do it’s just when how and the where’s it’s very daunting

Do you think you could hold on over Christmas? Grit your teeth and make plans in the new year? I know its not ideal. That’s probably what id do. Do you think he has savings for a rental deposit?

I think you’ve had some harsh comments here Op but they’ve all consistently said that he’s abusive so hold on to that, bundle it up with his lack of care towards your scan results and use it as the steel core he’s eroded over the last 3 years.

He is abusive for many reasons but for me a stand out red flag is that he’s managed to isolate you from your mum and best friends. That on its own is hugely problematic.

What he’s done successfully is to turn you into a happy maid - he’s manipulated you into only being cheerful, avoiding anything that is negative FOR HIM. He really only cares about his feelings. You are a prop in his life that makes everything easier for him.

It doesn’t really matter why he’s like he is at this point but I understand the pull to explain his behaviour. Focus in on the inner voice that is telling you this is wrong and work out with IDVA how to get him out as safely as possible for you and the children.

Bluntly, yes you are letting your children down.

who cares if this man will be homeless if you kick him out, put your children first.