December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

Of course we do lots of things together. More so because I try and make up for it. None of this changes how she feels about it though. She feels different enough as it is and she thinks it’s because she has done something wrong. We talk but it’s difficult with the ADHD to really get her to understand. It’s effecting how I feel about my partner so on that front I’m not sure what to do. He can do as he likes but I it’s not very endearing anymore.

I think my partner is my biggest problem. Every time I try and talk to him about anything he just gets very defensive. His reaction to it was to get angry and shout well we just won’t bloody see anyone. Same if I ask him to help more around the house he’ll just go to the extreme of well I won’t bloody do anything then. I can’t talk to him about anything and have a conversation about anything without complete shut down. I say to him you buy both your nieces a present on each others birthday so they don’t feel left out but you won’t do the same for mine and your kid. Mine can just do without. I think I’m in a bit of a mess relationship.

@CheekySnake
the problem is, mil makes it my circus.”why don’t your children speak to me?” Then come the tears etc….” Look how you’ve brought them up, what do you have to say for yourself”
Ive said I’m not responsible for their adult relationships, but then I get accused of keeping them from her when they were little.
Then she starts with the poor little old me, I don’t know how much longer I have left, no one cares. All my friends have such wonderful families that help.
It’s constant……
In 35 years she’s never been nice to me unless she’s wanted something. Nice to her son of course, but he’s guarded, and avoids her as much as he can

How does she contact you? Phone or face to face visits?

@SamAndAnnie
It’s not so much that I force my adult children to see her. It’s that mil will just turn up unannounced when she knows they’re in. I’ve been caught out lying for them by saying they were out before, and two minutes later they’ve come bouncing down the stairs. We then get accused of all sorts….. what sort of people we are…. We don’t love an old woman….. how have I brought them up, so much disrespect…… Then come the tears.
It’s impossible

@CheekySnake she’s starting to give up with the phone, as no one picks up. But she has been known to call over 40 times in one hr!!!
She’s taken to writing the most guilt tripping emails

Now she just turns up when she knows we’re home… we have a small gate, if it’s unlocked she’ll come round the back, try every door and window.( I once grabbed the dog and ran upstairs for 20 til she left) My life is ridiculous

Can you say this isn't a good time and not let her in?

Visits at a time that works for you or not at all. (Which I get is easier said than done because putting hard boundaries in place means dealing with difficult emotions. But putting her feelings to one side, because they're her problem, not yours, it's not cruel or wrong to have a rule about visiting, it's normal.)

Yes, we’ve tried that, she’s not interested. It’s her way or no way.
DH says his father definitely enabled her, but since he died 10 years ago she’s a hundred times worse

You are her mum, it is literally your job to manage this. I am high functioning autistic, a lot of kids didn't want to play with me because I was too full on, aggressive and fucking destructive. My parents channelled all my energy into competitive sport, judo, horse riding, hockey and gymnastics, I excelled at all of them, I also made friends with my team mates. My parents were shit alcoholics but even they knew I needed an outlet for my anger.
Many parents in our very posh village wouldn't allow their kids to play with me because my parents were alcoholics, we don't always get what we want. Your job as a mother is helping your child to navigate the world and how it isn't fair.

@littlemissprosseco my mother used to do the constant calling until you picked up thing. I used to think it was normal because I was so used to it until DH pointed out that it isn't 😶

Delete emails without reading

I’ve even had a coat at the door and grabbed it saying, I’m just off sorry……
and she’s said well I’ll make myself a tea and wait,
i said no, she cries….. I can’t leave an 80 year old crying on the street

@Happyfarm has mil always been like this with you and dd or has something happened more recently

Does your dh treat both your dc equally

Yes you can leave her crying in the street. She's an adult and it's just crying.

I know that it sounds harsh, but honestly so often we cave because we are afraid of the bad behaviour. She's using tears because they work. A woman of her age who cries to get her own way is ridiculous (and a bully).

Her feelings are for her to deal with, not you.

It was since our daughter was born. Before that we went on holidays together but never since, no visits, didn’t see her when she was born. When I miscarried said it was for the best. He does and he doesn’t. He has no emotional maturity, he simply doesn’t seem
to understand anyone’s feelings at all.

If made the mistake of leaving her in my house alone once! Trust me, only once….. She rifled through all our financial papers….. I couldn’t prove it of course, but things were just a little out of line. Then we’d have conversations, and she let slip… she knows just a little too much about our actual mortgage numbers, kids uni loans, my dad’s probate!!!
I really don’t know what to do anymore, she is getting old, and definitely getting nastier and has absolutely no concern for anything but herself.
All the boundaries I’ve put in simply don’t work. If we manage to agree Sunday lunch at 2, no joke, she’ll roll up at 4.20, with a smirk. Then complain it’s spoiled

Fucking hell she is hardcore, I'm almost in awe of that level of batshittery. What a shame they can't channel that determination and energy into volunteering or something positive and leave us the fuck alone. I remember M. Scott Peck the road less traveled saying that these types are so obsessed with getting their own way they are parasitic, like fleas they need someone to feed off or die.

You are right.
She is definitely using tears to control us

Reminder to self, need to grow a pair!!
( she has less of an affect on my DH, he just tolls his eyes)

Just out of interest, given her age, has she been assessed for dementia (I think sometimes it can manifest with a worsening of this sort of behaviour). If she was that late to lunch I'd just say sorry we've eaten you were late and not let her in.

Fwiw my paternal grandmother was like this - would turn on the waterworks and blubber that no one liked her and no one cared if she didn't get her own way. Once saw one of her sisters tell her to bloody well knock it off with no sympathy at all. It worked 🤣. Whole thing was just attention seeking.

@binkie163
you have her in a nutshell

hardcore batshit

i like that!!

@Happyfarm I don't see how you can be in a relationship with him either. Leaving aside the issue of DC, he's fine with his toxic mother othering you, ignoring you, and stirring up shit between you and him. This is all her. She texted you those pics and sent the plant precisely to get a rise out of you. And you obliged her!

Then she gets to label you "crazy" and show 'D'H those texts you sent to prove it. To stir up trouble between you. Another tick for her, he agreed with her and picked her side yet again. Because make no mistake she's making him choose and he's choosing her every time.

That's why you've got no marriage IMO. All he cares about is keeping his mum happy, she's happy therefore he's happy, because all most men want is a quiet and easy life. You insisting on not putting up with being othered, you naturally not being ok with that, makes you the problem in his eyes. And makes him the problem in mine. He might be quiet and well mannered on the surface, the perfect H or whatever you initially referred to him as way back when, but all I see is a grade-A shit happy to throw his wife under the wheels of the mummy-bus, just so he can have a quiet life.

Problem is you've got a DC with him now so you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, you can't fully cut the tie. If you split though you can show both DDs what it's like to be part of a healthy family (assuming you stay away from all toxic batshittery men (or their parents!) in the future). Whereas if you stay you can't. If you stay you can maybe protect DD 2 from some narc time with Grandma but only by throwing DD 1 under the bus and neither DC will be happy living in a home with a half-sister they hate. I see it as DC being part of a healthy family dynamics part-time is better for them than being mired in toxic dynamics 💯 of the time. The DC would hopefully have no reasons to hate each other when with you because you'd treat them fairly/equally and neither would live with you full-time.

I'm also quite easy with these decisions nowadays because I don't want, and most men definitely don't want, to be in a sexless marriage and I just can't have sex with someone who has pissed me off and not resolved it. I was in one abusive relationship and I've got no tolerance for that nonsense at all now. Maybe it's different for you.

IDK if this is helpful because IDK exactly what I'm trying to describe here, but it looks to me like some weird kind of version of the "pick me" dance that you're doing. It's her you're trying to get to pick you though, like she's your spouse, and I'm not sure who, if anyone, is in the "other woman" role. You've got to stop, you're harming yourself, she doesn't want you. She'd be very happy if you split up I reckon, so she can have her DS all to herself. It's kinda creepy. Turning her biological family into her entourage and othering anyone who sees through her, because they're of no use to her so they may as well not exist.

@CheekySnake trust me, she does not have dementia, or any form of Alzheimer’s. She runs rings round everyone at the local bridge club, is financial secretary of the bowls club, can order all her groceries on line when she’s hosting a dinner party for friends. But can’t do her weekly shop as demands her son does it!! She used to suggest we go out for Sunday lunch, but magically disappeared every time the bill arrived ( we don’t go anymore!) Has honestly never paid in over 30 years!

So the relationship has soured, and it makes me sad, cos it’s his mum. So I’ve been trying for years. But some switch changed in me when I hit 50s. I stopped trying, started avoiding her.

And the histrionics started……( well, they went up a level)

@CheekySnake
She has been over 3 hours late to lunch regularly for over 20 years!
It’s definitely a form of control and putting me in my place.
Just recently I’ve stopped lunches. Guess what?? She’s not happy…

I thank you so much for this, its really great but one thing. I don’t want her to pick me. I want her away from my children. She pissed me off using my daughter last night in those pictures.

Hmm, well I don't see it as impossible, because you've said no, she's showed up anyway, so shutting the door in her face is totally reasonable. Years or no tears. In fact I wouldn't have opened it. If someone I don't want to see knocks they get ignored. If I'm not expecting a parcel and someone knocks and I'm in the bath or on the toilet or asleep or watching TV or reading or eating or anything else I don't fancy being disturbed from, I'll ignore the door. Won't even check to see who it is. Could be my bestie. Still fine. It's my door and I'll open it when or if I want to. I keep doors and gates locked anyway and windows only open if they're first floor or if I'm in the room on ground floor, for security reasons. If someone had the blooming cheek to be staring in at the window I'd send them away angrily. How dare they?! It's not acceptable behaviour. If they won't go I'd call the police. They need to learn they can't behave that way. Mark her emails as junk or spam so you don't even see them in your inbox and they're automatically deleted after a few days. Get a cheap burner-phone just for her and keep it switched off unless you want to call her or hear from her.

Prosecco

Your mother in law had you marked as the weakest link years ago and has used and abused you accordingly. She’s used you to get back at what she sees as her errant son and you people as his family. Her tears are a master class in emotional manipulation and appear on demand.

You absolutely and must now drop the rope she holds out to you and adopt a similar approach to your h. After all he has known her a lot longer than you have. Did you yourself come from an emotionally healthy family yourself, it would appear so dnd that has been used against you. Sadly you really have learnt a lesson the hard way in that not all relatives are nice and kind. Some of them are actively abusive, like his mother is.