December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

How is it possible that one human can cause so much damage. I suppose it’s their position in the family also, they right at the front and up the top and everyone is branched off them.

@Happyfarm I often wonder the same about dsis she has totally destroyed our family out of greed to get dm money

Thought everyone might like an update from me - not sure if you'd call this NC or not, but since Xmas my mother has basically stopped contacting me. The daily spam of Facebook links etc has stopped. Still chewing through my feelings on it, but I don't dread checking my messages on a daily basis any more.

@MonkeyfromManchester
Ageing. Crap health. Skint. Needy. It is indeed obvious 😡

Yep the GB leech is hoping to line up a nephew to look after him, he learned that from the hag at the expense of slave son and Mr monkey. He has lived the life of a wastrel and now realising he will need an obedient slave/funds to facilitate him. These people honestly make me sick.

That will have been really hard for nephew telling his dad to get tae fuck at the funeral but it shows he is no fool.

Make the most of it and remember this feeling, when she is ready she will bulldoze back into your life bringing the anxiety and dread with it.
Perhaps a good time to block her on social media to minimise the return.

There's no SM contact, hasn't been in forever. I don't use it, not as 'myself' anyway. I've never said it out loud but it was partly to cut that line of possible contact. I'm almost pathologically secretive. 😶

@CheekySnake I am the same I rarely use FB and under the nickname all my friends use for me so family couldn't find me, I also had a stalker neighbour 15 years ago so a name change was handy.

Feeling quite Sad lately. I can’t (well I can) imagine not being there for your child, not caring, abusing, dismissing them so they’ve nowhere to go. It’s really sad for everyone. I couldn’t do this to my children. I’m not perfect but if I ever hurt them it would destroy me.

Yes, at one stage my mum wouldn’t even attempt to read or understand anything just say „I’ve had a Letter“ right you’ve not read it though have you?

Have you come across the term “dry begging”? It’s where they want something but don’t want to ask. Various theories as to why they don’t want to ask, either they shouldn’t have to because it’s beneath them to ask, or because their ego can’t handle being told “no”.
My mum has been doing it (successfully) for years but we have all cottoned in and it’s not working any more. We are now getting more rages, passive aggressive moves and overt demands. Unpleasant but better to have clarity and know you aren’t being manipulated.

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I really need some advice. I have a very difficult mother who alternates between over the top lovey lovey to frankly spiteful and nasty. We have never got on, but in the last year or two I have begun to wonder if she really is getting dementia. She seems to be suddenly suspicious of the motives of others, rants on about a subject at great length, conducts an hour long monotonous dirge about random subjects which are loosely weaved together. At other times she can seem quite rational . She seems to believe that I am resentful of my sister, and misrepresents what I have said or believe about my sister amongst many other subjects.

Recently she has been making some very strange and unkind remarks about my OH who has always tried to be kind and pleasant to her. She will now come out with outrageously rude and unkind statements about him and seems to believe I have been twisted by him. I dread seeing her and hardly ever visit, but now I just don't want to see her at all. She can't be reasoned with as she isn't rational and interprets any attempts I make to reason with her as deluded attacks because I have some problem or am 'too sensitive'. I feel so alone as my sister always takes her side and isn't interested in what was said or happened from my perspective.

I appreciate lots of elderly women are like this, but because I have never had a good or positive relationship with her I just don't have any reserves to fall back upon.

I don't know what to do. She is nearly 88.

Nothingtosayhere that sounds awful and very confusing. What do you have to do regarding her? Is she in a care home?

No she still lives independently but is stopping driving after multiple scrapes. I manage her finances to some extent (much to the disgust of my sister who is very suspicious of me). I have tried in the past to sort out a lot of her affairs. At first she was very grateful and co-operative, now increasingly she changes her mind, becomes suspicious, or starts making rash decisions. She treats me like her PA without much gratitude. I live 20 mins away by car, my sister is at the other end of the country. We have another sibling who hardly ever visits and does nothing practical to help. I moved back to live near her a few years ago and bitterly regret it. She has become increasingly rude, insulting and nasty . If I off load to my sister she ignores me or brushes it off. When my sister visits my mother takes her out for meals and buys her things, I am just treated like a servant. She is angry because I often dont see her for months, but I cannot stand being around her anymore.

I really have had enough but there are some complicated issues going on concerning a Trust set up by my father about which we need to communicate.

I’ve always thought something was up with my mums mum. She always was loving towards me and my brother but she was terrible with my auntie. As she developed dementia she was absolutely awful to her, swearing and shouting. My auntie feels responsible for all her care and is going above and beyond despite it causing her so much stress and worry. In the beginning my nan telling her everything she was doing was rubbish. I wonder if their true self comes out with old age and conditions like dementia or if it’s just the dementia?

This is what I think too. The filter is gone. It’s like staring into the absyss. I’ve begun to think my mother is mentally ill actually.

In my own case my nan became much more nicer as it went on. She doesn’t recognise anyone anymore really. It is sad. But half way through she was really awful. My auntie was definitely the favoured daughter and it hurt my mum a lot. She was always left out of family meals etc. My auntie didn’t have children so had the time to spend on her.

Do you think as children narcs didn’t have friends or know how to make friends because they were so incredibly insecure?

I think they were those bossy Queen Bee types who wanted to be in charge of the group and sulked or threw a tantrum if they didn't get their own way.

The ones in my family were completely opposite. Alone with no friends just sitting and watching so I’ve been told.

I wonder though if it is being friendless that led to the narcissistic behaviours?
As a way of getting attention and making yourself feel special if that wasn't coming from friends/caregivers. This would definitely fit with my mum.

That’s what I thought. It must of felt awful to have nothing from parents and no ability to make friends because the self esteem was so low. So you create the bonds to feed yourself. I suppose then you’d do anything to not have that feeling back of being alone. You are never alone again if you tie invisible chains around people. Then the people who don’t support this need become the villains. It’s a very child way of viewing people.

I'm sorry about your nephews monkey especially the one who tried to take his own life

My ex sister is the bossy Queen Bee type. She's very able in all ways including socially. Like Mean Girls

Has anyone else come up against a need to create big problems where there are none in order to make a massive "look at me" deal about coming to everyone's rescue by solving them even though there was no problem in the first place?
I remember Mum doing this at social occasions that were not about her e.g at a family friend's golden wedding anniversary party. It still makes me cringe even though it was over 25 years ago! (Also at my wedding but I try not to think about that)
I guess that's all about the need to control and to make connections with people? I loved the idea of "invisible chains".