December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

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I am sure my mother 'did her best' too it's just that her best was rubbish.

It's just another way to flip the guilt onto us - our parents aren't bad for failing us, we are the bad for pointing it out.

Yes I agree. I also hate the old chestnut, "all parents damage their kids, it's just human nature", it's just another way of making you feel invisible and inconsequential. I've heard a friend say this recently, it triggered the hell out of me. My own mother told me to "stop blaming her parents for everything" - I now struggle to pick up the phone to her and my body is already reacting to the thought of seeing her in a few days.

Agree with the previous posters with regards to parents “doing their best” versus the actual impact of such parenting. What I always struggle with (and my therapist can’t definitively answer) is why is it that despite my abusive upbringing I do not abuse my children? My parents made the choice to not do any better and to reenact their childhood on me. Having said that I think my NM actually had a better childhood than the one she gave me which adds to my confusion. I’m a big believer in cause and effect, due to my parents abuse of me the natural consequence is that I am wounded and no longer want to be around them. But then we have biology because, biologically, we are supposed to love our parents and not want to hurt them but my actions (going NC) have caused pain and hurt and this, for me, is the battle. Trying to make peace with my decision to put me, and my needs first, that this is my right when that sense of right was eroded in me from, day one, is difficult. After that long winded response I think that narcissistic parents ultimately made the choice to abuse, to not do better and not self reflect. Where I’m stumped is why they made such an awful decision.

I'm VLC with my family. My eyes were really opened this year, a year where I also got married, and am suffering lots of health issues / diagnoses, and observed the level of family dysfunction and neglect for me from a different standpoint. From one in which I was unsupported, other siblings in the spotlight, and my wedding became a way for my mother to "show off" to her own family without providing any support, care, interest or attention to me as I planned it. If you asked her about this, she would say "Wondering never asked for help. She is very independent".

Things came to a head a few months ago when I tried to address my own hurt and pain with my mother. Cue gaslighting, crying, desperate attempts to contact me and then my younger GC sister cutting me out. GC was a bridesmaid for me a few months earlier. I've seen less dramatic Netflix series.

We've decided to drive up on Boxing day, enjoy our own Christmas at home first, make our appearance and then leave. But im so worried about my own mental health. I'm at a point where I can't even pick up my mother's calls because they have such a negative impact on me. She's tried to call twice so far this week. My blood runs cold when I see the call coming through

Dies anyone else react to family members like this?

I have a massive problem with 'they did their best'. Because they knew how to treat one child better than the other and they knew to not abuse in public. They also had double standards, i.e. they wouldn't allow others to treat them they way they treated me. They are not dim people so they could have seen through that had they wanted to or tried. I'm convinced they never tried, because for them it worked just enough. They didn't have to try to survive.

How do I not rise to this? Apparently my daughter’s behaviour (her ADHD) is down to me. His mum and him have been chatting to each other after I’ve said something this morning and labelled me “crazy”. Apparently the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I’m seriously just wanting to walk away. I can’t see a way through this.

I do. I don't answer if she rings, I just don't, so she doesn't try very often, but when she does I feel on edge for the rest of the day. She messages far more than I am comfortable with (usually links to news and Facebook despite being told that I don't want these messages). It really stresses me out. I get physically tense and anxious. I'm trying to find a way to deal with it. I'm in a situation at the moment where we've barely spoken in years and would have no contact for months at a time, which was working for me, to multiple messages a day (she was widowed and basically is trying to reattach herself to me. Her assumption that she's got the right to even try is emotionally very challenging for me. Nope. Not happening).

I did CBT and the therapist taught me relaxation techniques which are helping but it's a work in progress.

Who told you this? Your DH?

Yes. 😔

Then you've got a DH problem 😐 because that's not right. Neither the conversation nor his desire to share it with you.

He has no idea that any of this is hurting my feelings. He has said that I am trying to ruin my relationship with his parents. But we don’t have a relationship so there isn’t anything to ruin. I asked him when was the last time they came to see us. He just looks at me blankly. He said he went last night and they didn’t even talk to him. I asked doesn’t that make you sad. No. I think he is too lost for this to work as I can’t live like this. We are not a unit at all.

I can relate to so much of what you say, including the health issues (I’ve an autoimmune condition that I believe comes from childhood trauma), the younger GC sister, the wedding as an opportunity to show off and, finally, the dread when I used to see a call or text. I used to have visceral reactions to my parents, my anxiety would be through the roof in the days leading up to a visit, I’d be snappy with my husband less patient with my kids, disturbed sleep etc. What would disturb me would be how she would act all “normal” when we would meet up despite me being LC for a long time but she would be simmering with rage under the surface, I could tell by a look in her eye that she couldn’t stand me and I would revert back to being a child when in her company. After a few years of this carryon I decided I couldn’t put me, or my family, through that shit ever again and went NC. You have my sympathies, it’s a very difficult situation to be in.

My partner has a massive hoarding addiction. I’m pretty sure he is completely disconnected from his feelings.

I totally understand this too. I also experienced the different treatment of siblings, and have a really difficult relationship with the GC as a result. I also had / have a mother that loves to play happy families to outsiders, though it's been a long time since I put myself in the position of having to witness it. Any family photographs show pictures of me looking anywhere between terrified and homicidally miserable.

There was also roles and scapegoats and GCs in my mother's family of origin. Her scapegoat sister has cancer and won't allow any of her siblings to see her on her deathbed, they all love to bitch about her. My biggest current issue is my mother's refusal to believe she treats me any different from GC sister. I mean she called GC when we were dress shopping telling her to have a good time- instead of me, her actual bride daughter - but no, she loves and treats all her daughters the same. GC is just "more chatty than me".

I think my mother's "doing her best" involved doing no reflection at all on her own upbringing, no introspection on what she needed as a child, and a determination to keep an overly rosy view of my grandparents who were objectively terrible parents. And that's the difference I can't get over. We are struggling so hard to have children and we wouldn't waste our time if I thought I was going to do the same to my children and hand all of my unresolved guilt, shame and pain on a plate for them to absorb.

@wonderingwonderingwondering yes I feel the same. It's eased off as I've emotionally disengaged. I still react a bit though, which is why I'll probably end up totally NC one day. I'm tired of feeling this way even if it is only now and then. They take up too much headspace and never in a good way with happy memories, it's always with whatever drama is going on in the present.

@Happyfarm 💐

I'm so sorry you understand my experience. I'm also so sorry about your illness. It's bizarrely similar to my situation, a lot of my symptoms and blood markers are pointing to autoimmune disease in a year where I've also been diagnosed with endometriosis, adenomyosis, ADHD. "The body keeps the score" talks a lot about women and autoimmune disease after childhood family dysfunction. It completely lines up for me. All of my mother's children have mental health issues, including one that is in state care as a result. But she forced us all to strive for career success and express no negative emotion at all, while shaming the struggles and ignoring the mental health issues.

Your mother sounds like mine. She will change the tone of her voice and be sing songy and fake happy to see us next week. Shell do the dinner and presents charade and she won't mention the war. The favouritism and molly cuddling of GC will happen, but it's just because GC is so energetic and chatty and full of life you see. It leaves me with more guilt and more confusion and feeling like that "bad child" all over again. I am almost 40!

How did your family react to NC? Do you have a relationship with GC? Do your children see them? What does your husband think?

Sorry for all the questions and feel free to not answer. I'm so desperate to understand and "resolve" it all, which is definitely my own toxic trait.

@wonderingwonderingwondering endo and adeno here too

@HappyfarmI mean this kindly, you are bordering on obsessive. You are trapped in and creating more drama triangulation. Your husband's family think you are crazy and you are giving them the ammunition. Your husband is not unhappy with his family but you won't accept that. You are angry because you are not getting what you want. The family do not consider your 1st child their family and that is their prerogative. You have had a lot of good advice here but seem hell bent on waging a war you can not win. You seem unable to take on board what people are saying and keep upping the ante. Reflect on your part in creating this situation and as @CheekySnake suggested read co dependent by melody Beattie.

@binkie163 I am listening I really am. I’m stuck. I don’t know how I can continue a relationship with a man who allows my daughter to be excluded by his family and to cry. I only brought it up this morning and they all dived on me. I said it very gently, not emotional at all, no crazy. I have no idea how to live in this and not be affected because of the kids. I’m completely happy to ignore, not be included, for him to have his own relationship with out me. What I don’t know how to deal with is the kids and how to stop the resentment growing between them because they are treated differently. It has already started. Do I just leave? I don’t mean to be annoying but I’m a bit stuck on where to go.

Have you had to repeatedly tell a small kid with ADHD why she isn’t invited and why they don’t want her around. It’s killing me.

@Happyfarm get off the merry go round, stop reacting to absolutely everything. You are creating a really unhealthy environment for your children. Stop going on and on about it. When husband takes child to his family instead of kicking off why don't you and 1st child do something together, concentrate on her and stop obsessing. Stop being a victim and step up as a mother. It's not all about you. You need to calm down. You will end up alienating everyone in your life. Start working on yourself stop focusing on and blaming everyone else.
Resentment between your children is not being helped at all by your behavior as they will be picking up on it. It is your responsibility to treat them equally, with love, give them a sense of safety, unfortunately life isn't always fair.
Your husband may be weak but he doesn't sound a bad man, he is probably sick to death of it all as well and going to his mums is a break for him.
Read 'the book you wish your parents had read' and melody Beattie books, only you can do this, we can't do it for you.

Don't tell her, why on earth would you. Arrange to do things that make her feel special and she feels that you want to spend time with her. Instead of wailing that his family don't want her or you around.

This is what I would do. Make the most of the time you get one to one with her and do activities that she likes, whatever they are.

Don't worry about them. Give her you. That's enough.

I don’t tell her anything, she is here when it happens. She sees the photos that are sent. They talk about it in front of her, the little one talks. She isn’t silly she wants to play with the other grandkids also with her half sister. I get the rest of what you said.

@Happyfarm can you not do something special with your dc when your other dc goes to mil

Mil doesn't have to include your dc and you can't change that you can choose how you respond to it though by enjoying some special quality time just you and dc