December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

EducatingArti

I would strongly urge you to call off the visit and stay home. It does you no favours in going and will give them the opportunity to put the boot in. If you really do feel unable to do that then a) cut the number of days you have with her there to one and b) examine why you feel unable to say no to such horrible people.

You have received the Special Training that so many adult children of narcissists get. Enjoy your Christmas without your mother and sister being also present.

Happyfarm

Your mother is likely not to be neurodiverse and even if she was it is still not any justification or excuse for such behaviour from her. The only acceptable level of abuse in any relationship is none. Neurodiverse people generally speaking do not behave like your mother did or does. She more likely has some forms of untreated - and untreable - personality disorders. I daresay too her own family treated her like that as a child too. Such toxic crap can and does go down the generations. She had a choice when it came to you and she chose the same old that was done to her; she never wanted to seek nor actually sought the necessary help.

Putting your meal in the bin if you were late home from college is abusive behaviour no two way about it. Sadly there was no other responsible adult around to protect you from all that.

I’m sorry I don’t want this plant. Can I not just put it back on their doorstep? It’s making me annoyed just looking at it!

@Happyfarm can you give it to a friend or neighbour or bin it I wouldn't put it on their doorstep as it is giving her a reaction from you and I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction

They’ve pissed me right off this evening. Can’t be bothered to go into detail but basically they have split my family in half and only take one half out to enable the whole of the other brothers family and kids to all be together. I don’t want this fucking plant. Arrived late so didn’t have time to step in my house and great me. I know she couldn’t give a shit.

That is just joining in with the drama, which is what she wants. Bin it, don't even pass that poison onto anyone else. In the new year start working on your co dependent enmeshment.

I’m angry at my partner who’s allowed his mum to spilt his family up at the click of a finger, it’s pathetic. I’m starting to not like him.

But why do you care about this so much that you're driving yourself crazy over it?

You don't like them anyway
You are letting it now impact your relationship with your DH (why? It won't change their behaviour).
Putting the plant back on the doorstep is a bid for attention (which you know you won't get, which you will then make yourself angry over).

You are starting to hurt yourself by spending so much time ruminating on this. Why do you want the attention from these people when you don't like them anyway?

There's a book about codependency by melody beattie which may be worth reading. There are things you can do to help yourself have an easier path through this.

This ☝️

Thank you for your advice but I don't feel that this is what I want to do. I have reduced my visit already from what mum would ideally like and I do say no to both of them frequently. I'd say I was low contact with my mum ( I've only seen her once since last Christmas). Apart from at Christmas I will only stay a single overnight. Unfortunately she lives too far to do a day visit. I am now managing her day to day bills as she has dementia but weirdly it doesn't involve that much contact with her, just paying carer invoices etc.

I have had a lot of therapy and am reasonably comfortable with my decision around Christmas but I know I won't feel brilliant at times when I am there. It is often not that anyone is doing anything particularly difficult now but just being there triggers feelings from the past

I do a lot to protect myself but I was just hoping to find "real time" support when and if I need it during the period I am there. Just somewhere to let off a bit of steam and get an understanding comment or two.

Even my previous post on here has made me realise I need to give myself permission to "take up more space" and I intend to try this. I would really like to take time to go to a church service late Christmas Eve afternoon and to go on my own. I think I am just going to insist on this.

I agree with cheeky snake @Happyfarm you don't like them why are you giving them so much headspace and letting them come between you and dh

Help,
I’ve ignored the reality of my mil for too long…
But now my young adult children won’t have anything do with her. And somehow I’m still the one trying to keep the peace. Even though I’m labelled as the devil. My DH can’t or won’t see it, it’s his DM, she’s 82 and awful.
How do I detach without cause en more upset??

You probably can't detach without some upset. Could you decide for yourself what you feel you are willing or are not willing to do. Then explain your boundaries and stick to them. Any upset they feel is whatever they feel. Holding a boundary does not make you responsible for their reaction.

I am clearly better at giving advice than actually following my own advice
I've had such awful anxiety of dm receiving her flowers today will she contact me they were left on her doorstep every time my ring doorbell went off which it does when someone walks past it is dsis dumping them on my doorstep

I have developed probably an unhealthy habit of going to the cemetery and putting flowers down we lost dh db suddenly last year both my in laws are there and my ddad who passed away over 40 years ago when I was 18 months old. I never bothered with ddad grave previously but I now visit often share news about dc apologies for this awful family situation we are in. bonkers I know but he's the only member of my family who hasn't fell out with me. I put a lovely memorial display on all 3 graves and I know dsis/dm put a wreath down each year and I was stressing my flowers would be binned so i checked today and it's still there and the wreath has been put down. Dsis has mobility issues so it may have been her friend who put it down as it's a walk from the car park

I no longer think about this constantly I get about my busy daily life but I do still get triggered

@littlemissprosseco when you say keeping the peace, do you mean you're trying to force adult DC to see her or have anything to do with her? Because if you are, that's not right. You shouldn't disrespect their boundaries. They're not even unreasonable in not wanting to see her. You don't have to try to fix anyone's emotional state in response to adult DC decision.

You are all right. I had a good evening out despite her msging me pics of my daughter all evening telling me it was a shame I’ve missed out. Im definitely too sensitive to it all. It is hard when your partner isn’t on your side and enables it. I have asked him why it’s ok our family is always divided up and is he ok with this. He just tells me I’m being stupid. I know it’s divide and conquer. Take out one child and not the other, it causes conflict.
(well it already does).

Arti

Three days there is a long time and you do have options. I am not you but there is no way I would walk into such a lion's den particularly if uncomfortable feelings do arise as a result. You also seem to be doing most of the day to day financials re your mother; is your sister not at all involved?.

You indeed ensure you get out to the church service on your own on Christmas Eve!. Put your self front and centre.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
Thank you for your reply.
Actually my sister probably does more than I do concerning my mum. She handles all her medical/health appointments/issues, the bulk of liaisons with carers and mum's long term investment finances.

I have had to hold boundaries quite firmly with my sister as at one point as it felt like she was trying to pull me into doing stuff that I was not willing to do. She has a tendency to micromanage stuff and be hyper focused on getting things "perfect" none of which I am willing to be involved in. At the moment though we seem to have reached a fairly comfortable situation and she is nowhere near as demanding as she used to be (perhaps because I have held boundaries in the past). She does have a slight tendency still to want to treat me as her PA and I need to keep an eye on this.

I understand we have different views on this and I hear what you are saying about options. You are right that it is a very tricky time for me.

I think the focus for me will be the 'growing point' of taking up my own space more. The tricky bit for me will be identifying my own thoughts and feelings in the moment as I have a tendency to freeze/go numb and lose a sense of self.

Anyway we shall see how it all goes.

@happyfarm if you DH isn't bothered by it, where is the conflict (other than with you)? It seems that you want him to be upset by it when he isn't, but maybe he's just found a way to deal with it that works for him because him getting upset wouldn't change anything.

@littlemissprosseco all you have to do is do nothing. Let the others be responsible for themselves and their relationships with each other. Don't meddle or act as a go between. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

@EducatingArti I am in a similar boat as I agreed (stupidly) to let my mother stay with us for Xmas. Working on managing my own emotions around it as I don't want her here. We've been LC for years, so will be the first Christmas I've had to spend with her in 20 years. When the really distressed, upset child side of me starts the upset thoughts, I listen to them and then calmly talk to myself from my 'adult' side and reassure myself that the adult me will deal with her and that the adult me will say no, doesn't work for me when she starts trying to get me to do things for her. But it's so difficult. As to the carol concert - just go. You don't need permission from anyone but yourself, you're an adult. This is what you're doing.

@CheekySnake I can’t be happy with him taking one child and not the other. He’s happy to split up our family whilst the other family is complete because it’s all based around them. He can be happy with what he likes but at the end of the day it will cause conflict between the two kids and I’m not happy with that. I don’t care if I’m of no importance but I care what it’s doing to my kids.

I was an idiot and sent his mum a msg in reply to all her photos last night. I told her I was disappointed that both my children weren’t there and one was always missing out. Now I am crazy. I dislike these people. My other child is going to see the photos online they’ve uploaded and will be very upset.

I am right in thinking you're a blended family, though? So he's taking his child but not the step child?

Blended families are always tricky. You can't make them treat your eldest like a bio child if they don't want to. I know it's disappointing and feels unfair. Have you talked to your DH about taking both children?

The problem is that you can't force an unhealthy family dynamic to become a healthy one, you can only work with what you've got. Can you use the time to do special things just you and your eldest?

I wish I had never blended anything. Some of his family have been absolutely lovely and understand that kids feelings actually matter. I wish I had a Time Machine. She is known then she was 3 so they are all she knows really but no they don’t accept her. I have let her down really.

@CheekySnake Solidarity with tricky mother at Christmas. Maybe we can take the odd moment to post on here and encourage each other.

I relate so much to this @happyfarm I HATE the gaslighting old cliche "they did their best", but it truly is the case for my mother, who came from a world of dysfunction, married a totally emotionally unavailable and unsupportive partner and probably has her old cluster B personality disorder, but never asked for help from anyone for a single day of her life.

Her best was total parentification, emotional invalidation and later neglect and abandonment when one of her kids dared to have her own personality and values. That was her best.

The number one thing she will say to me on the occasions where I have attempted dialogue about this is "it was not intentional", "I am a victim too". Somehow that just adds to my confusion, because as you say, the results are the same regardless of "intention", but now I have to sit here and feel sorry for my mother too? Impact over intention, always. It's the impact that matters, and that needs to be understood and apologised for if any repair can ever take place.