December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

@StripyMug nope. Mine just makes up excuses to never go to anyone event that isn’t theirs. If they do end up going they sit in silence making a massive awkward elephant. She is too good to make a fuss and that would be too obvious.

I feel like a massive twat. I agreed (because I felt bad) to go away with partner and his family for a birthday weekend. I thought I could handle it but now I’m getting nervous. I know the deal and I’m not sure whether I can and even whether I should have to perform my way through it. (Older daughter not with me that weekend) I know to mention nothing personal etc as the response will be passive. It’s just got me on edge already, even though my mind is ok my body don’t wanna go!!!!

They never change, narcs. Just popping on to say that a few things happened that meant I reached out to my mum recently and within 24 hours I regretted it. She is nothing but a nasty, spiteful bitter woman with truth issues. She will never ever change.

You can make a choice not to go and in your case I certainly would not attend. It's also an invite, not a summons. Your man is also capable of going on his own.

Nothingtoseehere

Your mother was once young and abusive and now she is old and just as abusive. She has not changed and narcissistic people too get worse with age as the authority figures they were afraid of die off.

I would drop the rope she hold out to you here and inform Adult Social Care you are no longer responsible for your mother. Same with the trust; can Solicitors deal with it rather than your good self?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I know. In my head I said yes to support him and his chosen relationship with his mum. I’m not going for any relationship with his family for myself. I was trying to be the better person. If they ignore me I couldn’t care less anymore. But it does make me nervous because being with emotionally unsafe people is a trigger from my past. I guess maybe im putting myself in the situation to see if I can deal with this trigger. I’m not sure if that’s a bad or good thing.

@Genuineweddingone they are incapable of change.
@Happyfarm I think you must like the drama and are still as enmeshed as your husband. You fear missing out and will spend the lead up over analysing non stop and after you will be hurt and over analysing. Why put yourself through it.

I don’t fear missing out. I want to be with my 2 year old. She has quite extensive food allergies and I don’t want to leave her. I don’t want the drama of saying no and then having to explain myself to my partner. I’ve not been well lately and I really really don’t the drama.

Sod being the better person here when it comes to his family because that just has you walked on and over by them. You are an adult with agency. Never forget that. Do not continue to put yourself in front of them for really no good reason. You're not outside their front door yet and you are being triggered massively.

I’m just going to be with my 2 year old. She has food allergies and one very bad one. Plus the drama of explaining why and the fallout with partner. I thought knowing the expectations were zero, learning to break the co-dependency and not caring if they liked me would be enough. We’ve booked in 3 holidays this year with different friends because they are great to be with and I’ve stopped expecting a relationship with this part of his family. But I’m still triggered?

@Happyfarm so you are ok with the drama of going but not saying no?
You are already in the drama of saying yes.
If your husband isn't capable of looking after his daughter and her allergies then let him go alone. Did you read @MonkeyfromManchester post the other day on the very real outcome of generational trauma and exposing children to dysfunctional family.
I'm sorry you have been unwell but you have had really good advice on this group for few months but just keep making the same decisions to throw yourself and your child under your husband and his family bus.

@Happyfarm if it's triggering you already surely it would be less traumatic just to say no and not go. Can't you dh look after your dc he must be aware of the allergies

I want a relationship with my partner and I thought that doing the odd occasional having to sit and put up was the answer as I know lots of people don’t get on with in-laws. I’ve told him and spoken to him about limiting the things I go to. He has been going on his own and I’ve turned down all the occasions so far of letting them have my little one. I’ve not seen them for months. He just asked me for this occasion to go with him and I said yes.

I know. I’ve never really been without her and that worries me. I had miscarriages before her and perhaps I just want to hold on a bit too tight to make sure she is safe. Even if that means I get hurt. I wish I just wasn’t bothered by any of it, it’s a place I’d like to be.

@Happyfarm have you considered going forward how you model behaviour to your daughter? You elder daughter already suffers because of them because she is not wanted/included. Your little one will grow up seeing her parents and sibling treated in a demeaning manner and that they are unimportant and less than the rest of the family. She will learn to be a doormat/scapegoat or worse she will be swayed by the family into seeing you as weak. Children understand far more than they are given credit for. She will definitely be picking up on all the stress and anxiety.

Yes I have considered all these things. I just don’t feel I have any control over the behaviour of these people. I place lots of importance on other family and friends and we talk all the time about people’s behaviour not reflecting us. My daughter does feel left out but she also doesn’t really like them and we talk about that. We all want to be liked but their behaviour is not a reflection of us so we go to those who make us feel good. No way will my kids will learn to be doormats, they are both extremely strong willed and in my house feelings come first. They see very little of these people to make an impact and we talk too much about feelings. I promote their independence too much via groups and they have too many friends to be too bothered. My big one doesn’t like the nieces too much as they are basically adults (they 9 and 11) and don’t play anymore just sit on phones.

@Happyfarm that is because you don't have any control over those people. The best way to model not being a doormat is to not be a doormat. You and your husband are the doormat/scapegoats in his family.

I think perhaps I’m more able to deal with this then I give myself credit. I dislike conflict and my inner child really wants to be liked and she freaks out but I’m 40 and I don’t really care because I’ve made some fantastic friends lately, some lovely spiritual and open minded ladies. Some lovely ladies also with ND kids who understand. Thinking about this weekend has sucked me back into small world thinking, sorry.

As this thread is going to end soon due to it being full I will now start a new one.

Please now post on the new and current February 2025 well we took you to Stately Homes thread.

No need to be sorry, the more you surround yourself with healthy people the less effect the in laws will have and the less time you have to be around them. Just be aware of thinking 'a little bit of poison won't hurt' because it does and it has a cumulative effect.

The body definitely keeps the score I know that!

Thanks all for the good wishes.

@binkie163 it’s so obvious, isn’t it?

GB is targeting the elder nephew with learning disabilities. Nephew is answering calls, but not taking the bait.

The younger nephew who told GB to fuck off has blocked him.

GB is so desperate to get back in with the family that his daughter is sending ‘uncle slave son’ presents. 🙄 No seven year old girl who’s never met her family, bar at the Hag’s deathbed and the Wake, would have the agency to do that.

Total manipulation by GOLDEN TWAT.

Of course, Slave Son is charmed, but not that dim. It’s all about £. Slave Son is leaving his cash to Mr Monkey. We’re not getting involved, and it was obvious to GB that we were in Aberdeen the other weekend and made NO effort to see or contact him. Fuck him.

and who’s helping Slave Son to find a more suitable home for his MS? We are. And happy to.

someone mentioned dry begging. This is EXACTLY what my late mother in law the Hag did.

@Isittimetodeclare I hear you! it’s about avoiding the rejection. And the incredible sense of entitlement. They manipulate and guilt trip, instead. And when they’re thwarted they go fecking nuts, Cue screaming, toxicity and abuse. Or fake tears. Or gameplaying. And flipping from one to the other. You have to have the will of steel to push back. It gets easier.

I can’t find new thread, can someone please link?

@Readytoevolve Here's the link;

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5272966-february-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes