December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

They do get stuck at the toddler stage. I guess I am too with my lack of impulse control.

lol I think many of us are but atleast we are self aware of this. No one is perfect! It doesn’t help being ND also in my own case.

I was thinking about what was said about roles within the family. Narcissism is actually more serious than I really thought. These roles are literally just assigned to the child and the real identity of the child pushed down. So my BIL and my own brother to a lessor extent literally has to be the golden child, he has to be doing better otherwise they are nothing to themselves. There is nothing outside of this role.

I am the emotional don’t take too much notice of this one. They get you to believe this projection and everyone else around you. This sounds like the root of many mental health illnesses. Not knowing who you are and people thinking they know who you are when you aren’t. What a massive headfuck these people do to a person.

I honestly think that the type of parental narcissism most of us have been on the receiving end of should be a punishable offence that they are sent to prison for, the same way as people who are coercively controlling are sent to prison.
They wouldn’t all be swanning around living their “best lives” then.
Its child abuse no matter what form that abuse takes.
We live with emotional scars and altered behaviours and are left not knowing which way is up, and they get to live life however they wish. That’s the bit that eats me up. They get to be themselves and I don’t even know who I am anymore.

@VWSC3 I know it’s a horrid feeling never having a firm grip of who you are. Then when you think you are a certain way not really knowing if this a projection or you or a spite. Makes your head wobble.

Why do narcs do this?

When you tell them something more negative like “I’m not well or I’ve had to had some tests or baby isn’t well” they reply with something quite jolly. Eg “nevermind, aren’t the flowers nice”.

I can’t tell if it’s because they trying to hide that they don’t care or is it because they just can’t have the world they’ve created darkened by anything negative. It’s all great and perfect so only come to us with this protection. You are meant to go to parents with bad news for support and comfort aren’t you.

It's because it's not about them.

When I'm trying to figure something out I pretend I'm not in the situation and don't know the parties. ie someone's adult dc says to their parents 'I have cancer'. What is the normal response?

Mum used to copy set phrases that she thought were clever. For instance she had heard someone saying that they'd said to their adult dc 'only bring me good news'. Then she'd parrot the same phrase. Always attributing it to this long ago person.

She liked the sound of the phrase but I doubt had thought through what it actually means.

Having adult dc myself I would very much like to hear only good news, but only if there genuinely was only good news.

If you can't turn to your parents in dire straits then who's on your side?

I have to say that Mum was a brilliant grandmother. I watched her like a hawk and threatened her early on though 😂

I heard back that she said 'oh no, I can't, dog wouldn't let me see them ever again' the other person said 'oh dog wouldn't do that' Mum said 'she would'. I confirmed it when it was reported back to me.

But she was an utter bitch to me in front of them though to the point that they noticed and went off her so 🤷🏼‍♂️

She said 'your children are so loyal to you'.

It's odd, we both left home early and were very independent and self sufficient. It was the time of 'free' university. Pre Internet so parenting long distance was confined to cheery letters once a week.

They really had it so good and had MUCH better lives than me.

They didn't alter their lives for their dying parents at all yet I provided years of assistance to them.

Those of you at the beck and call of elderly narcs - I regret it so much I really do. They didn't deserve my time.

I don't/couldn't ask my parents for anything. I learned that the hard way.

It's tricky navigating your own adult dc though. You love them with your whole heart and that can be alongside being incredibly frustrated with them if they're doing something repetitive and shit. And at some stage a parent can say 'this is the nth time you've xyz, you sort it out, don't come to me with this situation again'. And how is that different to 'only bring me good news'?

cheekysnake no I couldn't either and it didn't occur to me really.

I cut my hand when I was 6 and wrapped it quietly in a tea towel and went quietly past Mum to find Dad. She said 'what are you doing?' I said 'oh nothing'. He fixed it up very quietly and I realised he knew what was going on.

When I was watching other YAs' parents 'babying'/supporting them I felt like I was watching zoo animals, just observing.

Other people knew what was going on and would quietly help me, other mums, sometimes neighbours. It used to make me want to cry when they were kind to me. Our maid (I know) was an absolute life saver and I used to sleep with her.

God is it really that simple! They are so very covert it’s confusing.

The covertness is the absolute worst. It shows that they know they are being socially unacceptable and choosing to do whatever anyway. Being gaslit is torture.

I wondered why she buggered off when all her grandkids were due and booked holidays for the week. I thought that’s odd, what happens if something goes wrong and you were needed (which happened in my case). My partner was absolutely traumatised with no support. At least my mum was around to help. )Despite being emotionally challenged she does offer help.) I suppose this is all normal to her kids.

It’s a really disordered way to think because being there for someone is how you build
connections and have people around you. Surely you get more attention when you give and take don’t you? But then I suppose they after quick fixes rather then actually earning the attention.

happyfarm I guess going away when some hands on support is likely to be needed ensures that she can't be asked. So it's pre planned with full knowledge that it's normal to step in with babysitting and casseroles.

Interesting choice! Imagine being on a cruise while your child and grandchild face potential medical emergencies. And that you've chosen, deliberately, to absent yourself.

It's boring though isn't it, making casserole, stocking someone's fridge, babysitting their toddler. Listening again to their woes about being divorced, bankrupt, having cancer. They find it boring.

Well I had a major bleed, my partner was left with the baby and me and he was over his head and spent many a time vomiting in the bathroom from stress and there was no one there for him. Disgusting

I suppose for someone who has no feelings for their children. Most people would be there in a heartbeat wouldn’t they?

Is covert and overt just the ways they go about getting the attention? Overt ones are just showy and obvious and covert quite sly about getting attention…on the inside they are the same?