Husband has been having an affair for 2 years

[GARLANDGIRL2024]

I found out last night. I am still numb.
i received a message on facebook from a fake profile saying your husband has been having an affair for 2 years with a colleague.

i showed him the message and I could tell by his face it was true. My whole world, my whole heart, my family all shattered to pieces in that one moment.

He admitted it, it didn’t take much to get it out of him. They used to work together at his last company. Sleeping together for 2 years. She’s single and 10 years younger than him.

they no longer work together. Their last meeting was 3 weeks ago, when he told me he was out with his work colleagues and stayed in a hotel after. He often stays in hotels approx once every month or so, as he works 2 hours away from where we live so when he goes for a drink after work he stays. What a fool I am, never thought anything of it cos I trusted him!!!

tells me he doesn’t love her, it’s just a sex.
he doesn’t want to be with her, he doesn’t want to end our marriage.

about a year ago he had what he called a mental breakdown, told me he wasn’t sure if he was happy, wasn’t sure what he wanted. He swore blind there was no one else, but it all makes sense now!
He very nearly left me, and our 2 young kids. We’ve been married for 9 years and together for 15 years. But he decided to stay. 2 years ago he came off social media and asked me to do the same! I said no so he asked me not to post any pictures of him or the kids…. Again it all makes sense now!!!

i am just utterly shocked. What I keep thinking about was that he very nearly left me for her, so there’s feelings there or as he says there was but not anymore
yet he still sleeping with her!!

I just cannot believe it. A week before Christmas. Our kids are 5 and 7 and we’ve together planned a perfect Christmas for them, it’s all ruined now !!
I don’t know what to do.
part of me wants to act normal for the kids until Christmas is over.

please help I’m utterly devastated and broken. Haven’t stopped crying all day

What a absolute scum bag he is

Throw the cunt out and get rid immediately you deserve so much more then this shit

After all those years you dedicated to him as well
So sorry you've gone through this no one deserves to be cheated on

Oh my god, I’m so sorry. What an absolute rat bastard. The betrayal is off the charts.

You’re right of course that it’s not just sex - not after two years and him nearly leaving you. And even if it was just sex, it’s no better - that he would throw away your whole relationship, betray and disrespect you and risk your health just for sex??

In time you can make a plan for your next steps but in the meantime I’m just so sorry for you, he is an unmitigated shit and you didn’t deserve this.

@GARLANDGIRL2024 I’ve been thinking about you. I hope you’ve managed to tell someone who loves you about the huge shock, trauma and strain you’re dealing with, while looking after kids.

We’re all different and have different ways of coping. So only you can decide what’s best for you. But if it helps when your head must be spinning, IMHO the best option for Xmas Day is to be with other people if you can. People who’re fun and kind, will make Xmas happen for you and make sure the kids have a great time. But are also aware of, and sensitive to, your needs.

That way, you can share the fun and feel the love, when you feel up to it, without having to create it. But you can also slope off for a quiet rest if you get overwhelmed, emotional or exhausted. Tell the kids you’ll be with people because their dad will now be away and you’re not feeling well. That way, if they pick up on you being distressed, tearful or distracted, you can say it’s because you’re feeling poorly, so they won’t be so confused or worried. And it’s not entirely a lie. Anyone would feel ill after such life changing news.

THIS
OP, you are frozen with shock and grief right now. I don't think that this is the right time to make any immediate decisions re him leaving with xmas less than a week away.The overwhelming pain and deceit that he has inflicted on you is not going to go away although it may lessen in time. You need to find a strategy for a way forward, however that may be. As painful as it is, you will find a way to heal and move forward. I'm not in an way underestimating the enormity of this.
Lean on close family and friends

and when you look back through your diary/calendar you will find plenty more instances where he stayed out late, stayed overnight because of work, shrugged off responsibility of his kids...you'll be finding examples left, right and centre I bet now that the blinkers are off.

I couldn't get over the dropping the kids to the grandparents so he could send a day shagging the OW. What kind of dad does that?!

Good to hear you have support IRL OP but you'll also get loads of support from people here, those who have sadly gone through it already.

Just remember it's not you that has done this to your family it's him. I know you will be feeling mum guilt about them not having a good Christmas etc but you need to do what's best for you and your children in the situation. So sorry op

Adding that it’s important to be with people who you think would work best in these circumstances. You may love and be really close to your family. They may adore you. But close family members will also be shocked and furious with your DH, as he’s their family member too. So, they may struggle to keep going themselves, or want to talk about it, risking the kids overhearing.

Sometimes, good friends can be a better choice, as they’re usually a little less invested, and will be more removed from the fallout, so more able to get on with things. Plus, it can also be easier to be sweary and direct with friends, as they’re usually a similar age and better understand the challenges, compared to (say) parents. If you’d arranged to be with family but would find it easier to be with friends, your family should understand.

What a piece of shit he really is let the bitch have him. He'll cheat on her soon enough, once the novelty wears off. Or hopefully she do it to him.

I'm so sorry, no one deserves this.

Its potentially the OW that has messaged you. If not I hesitate to say its a well meaning person not wanting to see you being mistreated as they wouldn't have done it the week before Christmas when you have kids.

The point is, you know now. You know he has been lying and manipulating you for two years, had threatened to leave previously but refuted anyone else was involved and tried to get you off social media to protect himself. When he decided to stay, he should have broken it off... he didn't.

Trust in a relationship is important and for me, that would be the deal breaker. But this isn't me. I think you need to consider that he didn't come clean to you as an act of contrition and realisation he wanted to be with you and the kids - he was outed. Its unfinished business. He is telling you that he had feelings for her but they have gone now, its just sex. Is that supposed to make you feel better. His fling has run its course and so that makes it OK? If he doesn't love her, why was he risking his marriage? Sorry but he is lying.

But then what to do in the short term? At this moment you do not need to make a permanent decision as someone else has already said.

Firstly, you do not know which way this is going to go, so edge your bets and get as much financial information and clarity as you can. Make sure the child benefit etc is in your name. If you are renting, check with the landlord what you would need to do to protect yourself if your husband left. If you have your own home, who owns it - do your finances.

This isn't a one night stand that can be brushed under the carpet. He needs to take accountability and from what you have said, it doesn't seem he is.

Personally I would ask him to give you breathing space and to leave until Christmas Eve or Christmas day, which you can enjoy as a family. Tell him you are not hiding what has happened except with the kids at the moment as they deserve a good Christmas. But tell him you both need breathing space and not to act in haste. He needs to decide if he wants to be in this committed relationship and you need to decide if you want him. The kids will be happiest with whatever you decide in the long run as an unhappy marriage is not the place to raise kids.

Tell your closest friend and trusted family members, you need support. You have nothing to be ashamed of here which is not something he can say.

Big hugs, give yourself some time and make the right decision for you

Oh OP I am so very sorry I hope you get support to get through this 🥹 kids are so young what a shitty man to do this to you and your kids sending love and strength x

The maternal grandparents! He basically made them help him cheat on their own daughter, without their knowledge. What an absolutely disgusting piece of shit he is.

I hope you're OK, OP. Just a couple of things I wish I'd know about when this happened to me.

One is hysterical bonding. Look it up, there's a lot on it online. It's where a couple reach the brink like this and then suddenly start to have a lot of sex - really passionate sex, too - which is interpreted by the person who's been cheated on as a sign that their relationship is good, it just needed to get back on track, that she is the one he wanted all along, that it was probably her fault he had the affair, that it won't happen again etc etc. It completely blindsided me and convinced me to try to make it work. It wears off and leaves you with a nasty WTF feeling.

The other is the pick-me dance, where the woman has convinced herself the affair was her fault and starts to do what she can to make this prince amongst men choose her over the other woman. Bear in mind the pick-me dance is never performed by the person having the affair, though it's common to have the wife and the affair partner dancing to this tune. He then thinks he's the dog's bollocks and has a marvellous time.

Please do try to resist both these things. I only knew about them years later when I came to MN and honestly, my face floods with shame at the thought of how I behaved after the affairs. Yes, there was more than one. I did the pick-me dance so successfully he stayed, knowing he could treat me however he liked and my punishment would be wild sex and taking on the full blame.

@GARLANDGIRL2024 bless you, this is a terrible thing to have to go through. Right now the shock, I know, is extreme, and very physical. But I promise you, you will get over it, you will be ok and will feel happy again one day. It will be ok, but right now you are in the first shock of it, and it also, as you are experiencing, has the effect of changing the past two years as well, in everything that's happened. You need time to process this. We are all here feeling absolute sympathy for you, many of us have experienced this as well, we know how horrific it feels. A big hug from me, and I'm sure from everyone else too.

Look, this feels like a body blow, because it is. So what you need to do is just nurse yourself through it. It will, unfortunately, be a very emotional Christmas for you, and why whoever it is thought it was ok to tell you this before Xmas, I don't know. But there you go, it's happened now.

My suggestion is that you tell nobody and do nothing. I do think you need time, and I don't think you need people telling you what to do, and big decisions being taken in reaction to this. I think you need to go slow, and focus on the children and Christmas.

What you do immediately need to get from him is absolute commitment to and proof of cutting all contact with her. Zero. Nothing.

I would go for something along these lines:

Tell him this is a gigantic shock.
You need time to process it.
If he wants any chance of you even considering going forwards together then he must do three things right now:

1. Cut all contact with her and never see or speak to her again. He must write to her or call her or whatever and tell her you know, and he can't see her any more. He must give you proof of this. He must not have a lock on his phone or any passwords on anything, and must agree that you have free access to look at anything he writes or sends to anyone any time from now on. He must show you any messages (that he hasn't deleted). He must show you he's blocked her. TBH best if he gets a new phone number and you have proof the old one is decommissioned. He must have Life360 on his phone or something like that so that you can always see his location and he must never switch it off. The same goes for you with open access and Life360/find my iphone/whatever.

I would say that the open access and location tracking is just normal in a trusting relationship, it's reassuring and fine. And the result is nobody ever does check anything because they aren't worried.

2. Agree to go to whatever relationship counselling you want and fix up, starting either before xmas even, or in the new year.

3. He must not mention a word of this in front of the kids, nor you. Nor to any family members for now.

If he can't do the above, then just go through Xmas for the kids and don't have anything to do with him.

Then in the new year go for your own counselling, legal advice, and get support to decide what to do.

I am so sorry, OP. This above is my advice, and I wish I'd been told that.

As you know, he has behaved appallingly. He is not the only one. But the decision about what happens next needs, in my opinion, to be taken calmly and after time.

I hope you have a lovely time with the children, just focus on them as much as you can, so sorry OP xxx

That’s terrible, I am so sorry. You shouldn’t feel ashamed. I think it can be a knee jerk panic reaction. How long until you saw the light and left him? Assuming you did! I hope you did.

Thank you. I found out when it had been going on for two years. My children were very young and I thought we got through it (by hysterical bonding and not talking about it). I then realised six years later that it was still going on. I told him it was over - he couldn't believe it for years (long after we split up) and he had to move out. When he remarried (same woman) he angrily told me I'd left him no choice. He could never ever accept responsibility and I suppose my blaming myself worked well with that.

Ugh all over now, though, thank god!

So sorry this is happening to you. I hope you have lots of support around you op, x

I’d ask him to leave and tell the children he’s working away over Christmas. If he runs to her , let him . Show strength and determination to give your children the best , calm , Christmas you can and address everything else later . You deserve time and space to think . What he does you have know control over so let him do as he pleases . It’s about you now , what’s best for you . Please remember this is a small percentage of your whole life . Behind every cloud and storm there’s sunshine and bright skies . Takecare . Sending love

I stayed with my ex after he had been having an affair but every time he touched me I could only think about him with the other woman. Then the weasel cheated again with someone else!! So I kicked him out!! I hope you find the strength to let go x

Please do not stay with him for the kids. It's not a good enough reason. They will know something is up. The dynamics of your relationship have changed now. Just think about it this way...he has actively chosen to have sex with another woman multiple times, over 2 years. Which means he has chosen to hurt you over and over again. That's not someone you want to stay with and you absolutely cannot trust him now. I hope you find the strength to get through this x

OP, I would read Chump lady online, who has an excellent website on infidelity and gives good advice (no, I am not affiliated). I am surely sorry for what happened to you.

I would be with your extended family at Christmas and deal with this after the holiday. You are in some shock right now, and need to process to decide what you need to do.

Same. I often wonder whether sex must just feel 10 times better for men than it does for women?! I really enjoy sex, but most men are just bloody obsessed with it and would do it twice a day if we let them!

Do you know what it’s interesting because I asked my ex-husband that, the two women he had affairs with utterly unassuming completely ordinary.
I literally said was she a dirty bitch that would do things that I wouldn’t
And he said no, just normal sex but just different.
So I worked it out. They cost him on average £120,000 per fuck.

It's definitely a male thing. My husband was telling me the other night that he gets turned on just looking at me sometimes or if I brush past him or hug him. Any contact whatsoever. I don't understand this as I am not, by any means, an oil painting and I'm a big girl...but I don't get like that with him or any man. We have a good sex life and all but he definitely wants it a lot more than me. My ex couldn't keep it in his pants either when it came to other women.

I really don’t know what to say. I aways had much higher libido than my men. Wish I could find someone who wants it at least 1-2 times a day.
thinking that maybe it’s the fact I want it so much thats may put them off. They like being hunters.

But are you able to remain faithful like can you not do that in a relationship?