Husband has been having an affair for 2 years

[GARLANDGIRL2024]

I found out last night. I am still numb.
i received a message on facebook from a fake profile saying your husband has been having an affair for 2 years with a colleague.

i showed him the message and I could tell by his face it was true. My whole world, my whole heart, my family all shattered to pieces in that one moment.

He admitted it, it didn’t take much to get it out of him. They used to work together at his last company. Sleeping together for 2 years. She’s single and 10 years younger than him.

they no longer work together. Their last meeting was 3 weeks ago, when he told me he was out with his work colleagues and stayed in a hotel after. He often stays in hotels approx once every month or so, as he works 2 hours away from where we live so when he goes for a drink after work he stays. What a fool I am, never thought anything of it cos I trusted him!!!

tells me he doesn’t love her, it’s just a sex.
he doesn’t want to be with her, he doesn’t want to end our marriage.

about a year ago he had what he called a mental breakdown, told me he wasn’t sure if he was happy, wasn’t sure what he wanted. He swore blind there was no one else, but it all makes sense now!
He very nearly left me, and our 2 young kids. We’ve been married for 9 years and together for 15 years. But he decided to stay. 2 years ago he came off social media and asked me to do the same! I said no so he asked me not to post any pictures of him or the kids…. Again it all makes sense now!!!

i am just utterly shocked. What I keep thinking about was that he very nearly left me for her, so there’s feelings there or as he says there was but not anymore
yet he still sleeping with her!!

I just cannot believe it. A week before Christmas. Our kids are 5 and 7 and we’ve together planned a perfect Christmas for them, it’s all ruined now !!
I don’t know what to do.
part of me wants to act normal for the kids until Christmas is over.

please help I’m utterly devastated and broken. Haven’t stopped crying all day

Yes. But just before Christmas?

That's someone who doesn't like the OP 😒

To stop being afraid, I imagine.

He sounds like one of the worst of them, having read a lot of similar threads here recently.
The dumping the children all day for sex is appalling.
The trying to get you off social media is a window into his selfish mind.
I hope you have a much better life without him.

Hope you're OK, OP. My ex had an affair of at least 2 years (that's what he admits to, god knows what the reality was!). Take it a day at a time and remember this is not your fault or somehow your responsibility. No doubt he will come at you with all sorts of gaslighting nonsense in the days to come so just keep your head as best you can.

It is devastating when it happens but you can wade through the shit and find a life at the other side. Just hold on to that.

Start squirrelling money away. Buy yourself a big fuck off present from his account that can be sold or returned for a gift card for you. See a solicitor and make plans.

Oh gosh I'm so sorry, he's been utterly despicable. I understand why you're not able to tell your family, are you able to post it on a family WhatsApp group or something? It would be great if you could get support from them at this awful time.

Absolutely devastating- I am so so sorry for you

immediate action: kids must come first, so probably nothing? And hold it together for Christmas Day / Boxing Day at least. They are at very tender young ages.

what next?: I don’t know. Can you ever trust him again? Do you want to? Your what next is deeply personal to you. Good luck determining what it should be

Is it helpful for the kids though sensing and living in this situation? They can sense everything and I am sure they can sense negative energy at home let alone witnessing an unhealthy relationship. Your son (If you have one) will think it’s ok to cheat on his future wife, your daughter (again, If you have one) will think that she should stay with a cheater. They will subconsciously replicate your marriage, your relationship.

I have now seen many couples who stay together, where the wife/husband stayed “because of the kids”. I am sorry for being harsh but I now strongly doubt whether they stay for the kids. They stay for themselves so that they don’t lose their comfortable lives. Most likely two narcs staying together at the expense of their kids psychological wellbeing because they want to show a certain face to the society (happy families) and not lose the financial benefits. If the cheated upon is codependent they will most likely manage the courage to leave at some point. The narc no. They will stay with the other narc possibly for ever. If the kid gathers the strength to expose them, they will both turn against the kid. It’s all about how they look and the show after all. In the meantime they will be constantly trying to destroy each other causing unspeakable CPTSD trauma to their children. I have no sympathy for wives/husbands who stay with the cheater. It’s themselves they serve this way. Not their kids.
Oh…not to forget the “poor me, look what my husband/wife did to me” sympathy they gather, which feeds their covert narcissism with unlimited narc supply.

Take your time OP, you don’t need to make any major decisions right away. Focus on your children for now. Take time to think and get over the shock. I am so sorry you are in this situation, but you will be ok in time.

I am so very sorry: what a damaged, pathetic little creep - too scared to face his own failings and papering over them all with affairs and lies. No regard for you at all. Mine did this, too. It's not uncommon, and with the benefit of hindsight I can say it'd be wise to listen to some of the tough advice here suggesting you end it now and boot him out. I tried to keep it going for the children and the future I believed we'd invested in - spent two years in pointless counselling and on pointless painful trips supposedly trying to 'work on the marriage', then even moved to another country to 'start again' - when it turned out - quite unbelievably - he'd been carrying on with the same and other women and lying about coming with us. I ended up living in the new house without him, setting up a new life on my own with the kids. I haven't looked back: the guy was a flake. He tried to cut me off from our finances and attempted to make me sign all kinds of documents that would've left me worse off, too. Protect yourself as soon as you can - are you in London? I recommend divorce lawyer Antonia Mee (am I allowed to do that? I just skimmed the T&C and couldn't find any rule against recommendations). She was calm and tough.

Could you financially support yourself op? Hope you are ok. Really sorry you are facing this right now.

Just to put things in perspective, men do not care about hurting women’s feelings.
They go straight in and tell the cheated on partner.
It happened to someone I know. She was told, on Christmas Day, by the cheated on boyfriend that her dh was shagging his girlfriend. Her DCs were present when he told her!
She stayed with the cheater, until he met another woman to cheat with. They are now divorced.
Don’t shoot the messenger.
Disclaimer: I’m nit saying I agree with the timings.

I agree 100% with the comment; men do not stay for the kids, they stay for themselves.
They stay because it’s a mighty leap to leave a good domestic set up where wifey is at home providing all the home comforts you desire. The affair partner provides the thrills and excitement, but they are never going to put his existing children first. They are not going to provide the childcare that the wife does. They might not provide the home comforts the wife does. They too might be in for the thrill. Who will look after his children when he goes gallivanting? How much does he stand to lose? Where will he live? How much cold hard cash will he lose? Does the ow have dcs and if so can he stomach being a step father?
That’s what is really going through his mind.

First to protect you and your children copy all papers, bank, pensions, bills, texts etc. Have them in safe keeping out of the home. Make an appointment with a solicitor to know where you and your children stand for the future, regarding home and money, also change your will naming your children.
In other words, get your ducks in a row. You have to protect them.
Whether you want him to stay or leave is up to you, if you could trust him again, in my experience my ex did not change his spots.

Don't not tell anyone to either protect him, or that your friends and family will think bad of him if you stay together. This is HIS problem to own and you need the support of those people.

You don't have to make any decisions just yet. Take time to process and then do what's right for you and the dc. When you're ready speak to a solicitor and use this time to find out your legal rights.

I’m so so sorry @GARLANDGIRL2024 that you are going through this. Sending love and hugs. You need to react in a way that works for you. This is equivalent to a bereavement and you need to look after yourself.
you also need time to digest.
in this scenario anger will be your friend and help you be firmer with your decisions.
there’s some great advice on here but ultimately the decisions are yours and I do know a couple of women who’ve forgiven their adulterous husbands and others who’ve kicked them out and moved on to better more loving relationships.
but take your time and do what’s best for you and your children xxx

Very good point. Give yourself time to clear your head and decide what's best for you. Preferably without H in the house. I'm so sorry OP 💐

Hi @GARLANDGIRL2024 I am so sorry that you are going through this.

We don't know you, however, you need to decide whether you are able to 'style out' Christmas. I know I couldn't do that so would have to tell him to leave.

If you can tell someone you trust IRL then I would. He has behaved absolutely appallingly and you need to support. I would not be able to be around him.

What a dickhead.

Remember @GARLANDGIRL2024 he is the one who has ruined everything.

Keep YOUR and your kid's perfect Christmas perfect.

You can deal with this afterwards.

He should be crying all day not you.
He should be begging forgiveness.
He should be taking emergency time off work to make sure everything is fine for the kids

What you do after next week?

Well there are many amazing women on here happy to help you bash out solutions.

He doesn't deserve to ask anything from you. Throw him out and never take him back. Have you still been having sex with him? Get yourself checked for an STD. The fact that he could put you through 2 years of lying and cheating is disgusting. You can get through this and so will the kids.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. I'm sure right now that you're in shock and your mind needs time to process all of this. There have been so many kind, considerate and non judgemental responses for this post and I love that everyone here is rallying round...I hope you can feel the love and support. I also hope you have family and close friends you can draw strength from right now. All the love to you..you will get through this!

Thinking of you op, such good advice on here.

Take all the time you need to decide next steps. For me the relationship would be over, 2 years of deception is not forgivable xx

@healthybychristmas yes I only found out after he died. It was a double whammy of grief.

I can't believe he actively tried to make you help cover his nastiness, then used YOUR parents to help him get his leg over. As if the time spent away at pretend work events was stealing enough from your family. The man is an all round shit 😥.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you, OP. 💐💐

@GARLANDGIRL2024 this is one of the saddest posts I have read on here in a long while and my heart truly goes out to you.
My raging about your husband’s behaviour and the unfathomable cruelty and cowardice of whoever decided to tell you now will not help you, so I will keep quiet about that except to say that all of this, absolutely all of this, is on them, NOT you.
You are in no way responsible for or to blame his cheating and there is nothing you could have said or done to stop it, and there is nothing you said or did or did not say or do that caused it. He caused it, it was all his decision and you are in no way to blame for this. Do not let your self/esteem take a nose-dive or try to find out what you did or did not do to cause it. The answer to any if that is always NOTHING. It’s a choice he was never forced to make by anyone or anything. A deliberate choice.
Some of the opinions and advice on here is pretty wild and borderline derogatory and shaming, so I would get away from this thread and echo the advice to go onto Surviving Infidelity and Affair Recovery where there are free chat forums and lots of advice. They are not websites that push reconciliation as many think they are, they have sound advice on leaving or staying and how to make that decision. They are about healing from betrayal, together or apart. In time I would read ‘The Betrayal Bind’ by Michelle Mays which will show you exactly why you feel the way you do and the dilemmas around the confusing push me/ pull you emotional whirlwind.
At present you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, far too soon to rush to anything and you are most likely in no fit state to. Trust me, it’s all about your self care and children’s welfare now, it’s horrific at any time of year but this week must be one of the worst to get this kind of bombshell and it has to be got through somehow.
One day at a time now, your emotions will be all over the place and you will swing from one extreme to another as the full impact dawns on you. You need to tell somebody you trust, it’s bloody lonely being the only one in this storm, you need support and a trusted friend or family member could be a lifeline for you.
Think about what you want Christmas to look like and what you think you can cope with and tell him, don’t negotiate, tell him, exactly what that will be and his part in it (or not) in order for you to survive the next week and going forward.
Self care above all, OP. You did not cause this, it is not up to you to fix it, you need to be selfish for you and your children now, he has forfeited the right to having a say in anything to do with the wife and family he has betrayed and lied to. Christmas happens your way this year.
Find real life support and take each day at a time, don’t look too far ahead. I know from personal experience that when you’re going through hell OP, just keep going.
Sending you strength and a virtual hug, I truly feel for you.