Don’t think DH loves me

[Admodean]

This past few weeks I’ve had the worst illness I’ve ever had in my entire life. Two weeks of horrendous flu, which developed into a nasty infection. For two days I was burning hot and delirious, shivering and vomiting. My mouth and throat are covered in white lumps and so sore. Thankfully antibiotics have helped, but I haven’t eaten for 48 hours. I’m still coughing and shivering and I don’t have the energy to cook anything.

DH has just come home from work at 9pm after being out since 8am. I’m lying in bed shivering and I asked if he’d make me a boiled egg and toast so I can try to eat something. He rolled his eyes and sighed, and said “REALLY?!” in a voice that implied I was unreasonable to ask.

He doesn’t love me, does he? 😭

Embarrase him by leaving him. The only reason his colleagues could possibly side with him, is by him lying about the situation. People will know there's more to it if you divorce him. There's no point being in a marriage where there's no care or love.

The thing is, women/mums usually get on with things however they are feeling, so it is rare for them to go to their beds. There is a flashing neon sign right there to the useless husband that his wife is too ill to take the kids to school or cook for them.

I could not live with a selfish arse.

Oh wow I've seen your posts OP what the hell? Why is he telling his colleagues how awful you are? That won't help either as they will be influencing some his behaviours as 'he shouldn't have to put up with it' I would have a talk with him, I think he's just being an asshole if honest. Imagine if you was actually in hospital he would have to sort everything out with the kids and cook after a 'long day' it's life ffs! Blokes a dick. Needs to man up and support his missus while she is ill it's not all about him 🙄

You’re unwell so everything feels like the end of the world right now. Take a view of it all when you’re better.

Turning down the eggs sounds churlish - you could have just asked him to bring toast. You sound like you want a row.

You've been conditioned by misogyny - I'm sorry but that's bullshit.

The OP said that he’s never ever taken care of her. Regardless, of how many hours he works, he could have been less of an unfeeling Neanderthal, and showed some kindness and basic humanity, towards his own wife. Making her a simple meal, dropping off/picking up his own children a couple of times would not kill him, or make him lose his job. Why is so much less expected of men?

Exactly this. Woman are expected to work and take care of the house and kids ALL THE TIME

And during breaks in the delirium presumably?

I am often quite unwell with a chronic condition (actually 2 "suicide pain" conditions) and need to be pragmatic about these things. Eggs on, lay on the floor or flop on the worktop for three minutes, serve the eggs.

If it’s so easy for the OP to do, why does it become an unreasonable expectation for her DH to do it after a day at work?

For those defending him for staying out at work all day, some men do that because they find it easier than being at home, especially when young children are involved. Just one explanation for his long work day.

I’d expect a loving partner to be concerned and want to help. I always think what would I do if the roles were reversed? Making you some eggs and toast is the least he could have done.

My DP has never been that good when I’ve been ill. I had my first stay in hospital recently, was very ill, and he left me on the second day to fly to visit family for a week. I didn’t hear from him much when he was away either. His excuse was that I was alright when he left me (yes, because I was doped up to my eyeballs on morphine). Mind you, after ignoring me for months, I pushed him to tell me what was wrong and it turns out I am an awful person! Who knew! So looks like we are separating.

Hope you get well soon, OP. Is your DH capable of changing, do you think? If not, his behaviour is not kind. Why are so many men crap when their partners are ill??

I think this is a cop out. Are you a man?

And if this is true, then we really shouldn't leave men in charge of anything at all. Not countries, companies, no organisation of any kind. Because they're too thick to see a bleedingly obviously sick person in front of them needs help.

I call bs

It’s literally for 3-4 days because I’ve been more sick I’ve ever been in my entire life.

Yes I do think it’s reasonable for him to go above and beyond for a couple of days when his wife has been delirious, vomiting, hasn’t been able to eat for two days, on strong medication that causes nausea and drowsiness, etc.

No he would never take a day off work.

Mine is like this.
Awful, is secretive, doesn’t discuss things with me, and then complains I’m nosey.
He is terrible if I’m ill, uncaring.
Once was in hospital, and my mum and brother, dashed about to get me clothes and toiletries, him, nothing.
Came home from having a baby, and I had to put washing in, about 6 hours after giving birth.
Im in debt, which is all mine, but should be shared really , or I’d be gone.

looking after kids is horrible when you're sick
You’re not grasping how sick I’ve been. It’s not that it was horrible to look after the kids (which I’ve done many times while sick). I literally couldn’t look after them. I was incapacitated and unable to get out of bed because I was so severely unwell. That’s never happened before in my entire life.

Perhaps OP's DH could have got home sooner if he'd cut down the amount of time he spent bitching to his colleagues about his lazy wife who lay around in bed all day?

By the time he made them I couldn’t eat them because I’d taken my medication.

I was delirious on Monday and Tuesday before I got antibiotics. On Wednesday they’d kicked in and my brain was working again, but I was physically very weak and hadn’t eaten for two days.

I’m sorry you have a chronic condition and nobody to look after you. But I do have someone who’s supposed to look after me, who has failed to do so.

OP, your husband is a callous dick.

He should be making more effort.

The whole "ooh all my friends say you are a nasty, bad, evil woman!" thing particularly grinds every gear I have left that hasn't been ground away already.

Of course they do. Because they hear his (self pitying, self aggrandising) side of the story only.

My ex used to try this. "All my friends hate you!".

Well yeah, kiddo, shock horror mine hate you too! And i'm confident whose opinion I take more seriously.....

Ask your mom to help a bit more maybe, if she is willing? If she can feed your kids she can probably feed you too.

If you were my daughter I would do ANYTHING at this point to look after your and make sure you were ok.

My mom would do the same for me.

3 years ago I had breast cancer and my ex moved in to take care of me and our DD. He cared and we weren't even a couple. You deserve better...the saying "if he wanted to, he would" is very very true.

Sunday and Monday I mean. On Tuesday the pills kicked in. I don’t even know what day it is any more, I thought it was Thursday 😩

Blimey, the number of people, including women, who still, in this day and age, will fall over them selves to insist that a working man, should have zero responsibility outside of work. People insisting that he should not lift a single finger at home, or to participate in looking after the children, not an ounce of cleaning required from him, or cooking, or life admin, or carrying the emotional load of family life etc. None of that is on him. But not only is the woman expected to do all of the above, by herself, she’s not even given any kind of acknowledgment and thanks for everything she does because the work in the home and around the children is not considered as work, it’s not valued and women are told to put up and shut up, and to be grateful. This is completely messed up misogynistic thinking, and women can be just as misogynistic as men. Such a primitive mentality.

I do have someone who looks after me, but he can't be there all the time. He often doesn't get in from work until 9pm so I need to be able to take care of myself too.

I am sorry your husband has been so shit and you were so unwell.

Dear OP, please ask your useless husband to bring you bottles of fruit juice, water, Lucozade or whatever else you can drink. If he brought the kettle to your bedroom, could you make tea for yourself? It’s very important to keep hydrated when you’re ill.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. The neglect would hurt me even more than the illness. I hope you’re better soon xx

I'd hazard a guess that so many men men are crap when their partners are ill is because the second women aren't existing to make the mans selfish lives easier with the hundreds of unsung things we're expected to do is where the "affection" ends and you just become a massive inconvenience to them.
I saw a post on Facebook the other day where people were all emotional over a post where an old man was asked when he realised he loves his wife. The basic answer was that he realised how much she'd stuck with him when he was shit, how much she'd done for him. given up for him. through her life. Nothing at all about her as a woman. All about what he could take without thanks. The woman's whole worth based on how much of herself she gave up for HIM.
Sums up most men's views on their partners IMO

I am glad you have written all this down. Later on, in time, you might start to doubt how truly horrible his behaviour was.
Could your mum bring you something to snack on? At the very minimum it might shame your 'd'h into looking at his lack of action.
p.s. I hope he catches what you have and you treat him with the utter contempt he is giving you.