Don’t think DH loves me

[Admodean]

This past few weeks I’ve had the worst illness I’ve ever had in my entire life. Two weeks of horrendous flu, which developed into a nasty infection. For two days I was burning hot and delirious, shivering and vomiting. My mouth and throat are covered in white lumps and so sore. Thankfully antibiotics have helped, but I haven’t eaten for 48 hours. I’m still coughing and shivering and I don’t have the energy to cook anything.

DH has just come home from work at 9pm after being out since 8am. I’m lying in bed shivering and I asked if he’d make me a boiled egg and toast so I can try to eat something. He rolled his eyes and sighed, and said “REALLY?!” in a voice that implied I was unreasonable to ask.

He doesn’t love me, does he? 😭

I don't think he even likes you, OP. Sorry you're feeling so poorly and I hope that once you've got your strength back and Christmas out of the way you start making plans for a life without him.

You have my full sympathy.
I asked my teen to pour me a glass of water last night and got a similar reaction. I’m also ill and haven’t ate for two days but nobody ever wants to help do they?

I would be treating your husband the same when he gets ill.

Your son (as a child, i.e a not yet fully developed human being) is already a better person than your husband, by offering you his sweets to try and get you to eat. That's probably down to your parenting, yes? You can do it better alone. It's good he isn't copying the emotional ugliness of his father. He will do though, if he continues to be raised in the vicinity of such a horrible uncaring fuckwad as his dad.

I would genuinely recommend splitting with him. Actions speak louder than words. His actions explicitly show that he puts everything else far above helping you and your children in a time of genuine need.

It's not just that, either- it shouldn't be reduced to merely "taking them to breakfast club and spending four minutes cooking an egg and toast for you". Those things are the literal and absolute bare minimum, the smallest and least significant actions on earth which most people would offer to a stranger if needed, actions he should do automatically for the kids he created and the woman he created them with.

I won't even get into the huge and nasty emotional manipulation he's exerting on you. Who gives a shit what his workmates think? Talk about kicking you while you're down. I bet he's lying about what they said. I bet he has a whole nice guy act he plays in front of them, saving the ugliness for you, the woman who should be the most loved.

You are worth so much more. I wouldn't even wait to get better, I would ask him to leave now. And silently take it on the chin when he blames you for everything (I've been there, and it doesn't matter, the freedom is totally worth the peripheral bullshit). Don't let him waste another irreplaceable day of your life grinding you down.

You matter. Your needs matter.

You’ve obviously never felt that unwell before.

And Id bet my arse his workmates have said no such thing.

It doesn't sound like he's particularly invested or empathetic, no, but I think there also needs to be some context.

You're ill, so he should be taking care of you, but his reaction implies he thinks you ask a lot of him 'normally'. Are you normally quite clingy/spoiled/demanding? If so, even asking to boil an egg (especially after a long day of work) can seem like taking the piss.

Well I can post on MN while lying in bed. It’s not the same as struggling downstairs on wobbly legs and standing in the kitchen cooking food.

Are you her dh?

By the time he turned up with the eggs I’d already taken my antibiotics, so I couldn’t eat for two hours. Plus the medication causes nausea after taking it. What am I supposed to do with boiled eggs and no toast anyway?

The fact he eventually turned up with some eggs is irrelevant. His initial reaction to his sick wife asking for food was REALLY?! Not “I’m glad you feel better, of course I’ll help you because I love you”. After that any backtracking was too late.

I’m not sure you’ve been ill before.

No way typing on MN is requires the same level of energy as standing up, up and down the stairs and then preparing eggs.
With the fever the OP is experiencing, I’d expect her to feel lightheaded when standing too.

I’d leave him. Mine used to be crap when I was sick. In the end I told him when we grow old it’s highly likely one or both of us would need care, and hell would freeze over before I cared for him after years of him leaving me to look after babies while sick so if he wasn’t going to change I wanted a divorce asap to free me up to find someone i wanted to grow old with.

I’m more upset that he’s obviously been bad mouthing me and gossiping about me to his colleagues. Obviously telling them how awful I am, then trying to manipulate me by telling me everyone agrees that I’m horrible. It’s embarrassing and humiliating, and he’s embarrassed himself as well. It’s not even about eggs any more.

Men function different to women, unless you actually tell them out right, they can be quite thick on matters

I agree with this 💯

Yep I had one of these.

Didn't look after me at all. Divorced him this year after 30 years of this sort of behaviour.

How can that not be obvious to him? Shes shivering, vomiting and quite clearly very sick. When are we going to stop thinking it's OK that men cannot figure this very basic shit out for themselves?
He's utterly selfish OP and you don't need to live like this.

Well they can fuck off then can't they. By functioning differently you mean they are inherently selfish bastards that can quite clearly see the situation because you know- they have eyes - but choose to put themselves first. Please can we stop excusing this bullshit by saying things like they function differently and call it what it really is. Selfish abhorrent behaviour.
Get rid OP.

@Admodean
Your husband is a foul human being and you've been putting up with his shit for far too long.
Don't do anything for him for Xmas and come the new year look at how you can get yourself and kids away from this wanker.
I would NEVER stand for my husband treating me like this even once. This is the person who is supposed to love you more than anything and do anything for you.
Don't worry about what crap he's been spouting to his colleagues - it's all lies anyway - who cares what they think.
Some of the replies here show how low the bar is for people - make yours higher next year - you can do it.
We're rooting for you x

I’ve got great sympathy for you being ill and feeling uncared for but you’re contributing to this dynamic by enabling him. If you want him to meet your needs, tell him very clearly what they are and take action if he doesn’t. If you’re too ill, don’t take them to school - tell him you’re not going to and follow through.

He’s your children’s other parent but you describe his care as something you wouldn’t “inflict” on them, the writing was on the wall he wasn’t going to be a good carer for you if he can’t care for his own children.

If he’s so shit, why don’t you leave him?

What was the point of you writing this?

It's not that I don't sympathise with you as looking after kids is horrible when you're sick but your husband seems like he works very long hours to provide for the family. I think it's a lot to ask to do the drop offs and get back to care for a sick adult plus look after children, get dinner ready tidy up and bed time done if you are out working 12 a day -the only way to make that work is for him to take a day off, would his work allow for that? Have you asked him to take a day off so you can rest? Could your mum help for the next few days? I get that what he did wasn't nice but he's hardly a monster and people telling you to divorce him over it are insane. Don't listen to them.

Sorry it must just be me but

DH has just come home from work at 9pm after being out since 8am. I’m lying in bed shivering and I asked if he’d make me a boiled egg and toast so I can try to eat something.

Sounds selfish and a bit attention seeking to me... Clearly you're well enough to start a thread on Mumsnet and reply to all posts? Whilst your husband has been at work for 13 hours?

@Admodean you know that this poster didn’t ask that because she cares what the kids had for tea. She asked to try and catch You out / make out you’re a bad mother and being U.

I can’t believe that shy one would think your husband is anything other than an insufferable arsehole. I would be really hurt and angry too.

I hope you feel better soon

Eaglemom

Take a chill pill!!
No, I mean men function different just like women do. I worked in a man industry most of my life and the way men cope with things or understanding things are completely different to women whether it's right or wrong is a different matter.

My husband would happily make me a boiled egg and soldiers after work if I was ill.
Many women are expected to cook for their children/partners/families after a day at work.