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Original poster

He's become selfish on the bedroom * tmi for some warning

141 replies

Spaklestarflower · 17/12/2024 19:34

I've nc for this one
Apologies if its a bit crude

  • there may be a little too much information for some so just warning ahead.

I'm literally at my wits end with this one.
I've been in a relationship with a man for just over a year now.
We are very compatible, or we're, up until recently we have a very good sex life and really equal. For example if one evening it was more about pleasuring him , it would then be reciprocated the following time and the rest of the time it just flowed and seemed a very healthy loving passionate sex life.
The last month I'd say he has been really really selfish and it's driving me nuts.
He won't go on top, won't go down on me and he hasn't even touched me down there in over a month.
I've always bigged him up on his skills down there so it's definitely not a confidence issue.
The first couple of times this happened I thought I won't say anything as he will be all over me next time... but no this has not happened 😕 I saw him last night and thought ill just see what he's like .
So he still kisses me lots and tries it on so to speak he's actually all over me beforehand. We banter and flirt he fancies me , I dress up in lingerie, we go out for meals and have lovely evenings together.
Then we got into bed last night and we were kissing and undressing , he guided my hands towards his penis so I started touching him, he was hard so he's definitely turned on. He then pulls me on top and because I feel so starved lately I do it as I fancy him and really want to have sex. I'm ontop for about 5 minutes he then lifts me off and initiates me giving him a bj so I start thinking it will lead to more ..... he comes 😏 this has happened a few times now but last night afterwards I felt so so sad and obviously sexually frustrated I felt really used and unattractive.
I don't know how to approach this?
But I'm starting to feel like he isn't into me anymore although he constantly says he fancies the pants off me, compliments me and tells me he loves me all the time. What is going on?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spaklestarflower · 17/12/2024 19:35
  • we're both late 30s if that helps with anything 🤔
OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 17/12/2024 19:36

So what did he say when you raised this with him?

MaggieBsBoat · 17/12/2024 19:37

BitOutOfPractice · 17/12/2024 19:36

So what did he say when you raised this with him?

This. Unless he has a good reason, call time on it.

mardirousse · 17/12/2024 19:38

You need to nip this in the bud.
Ask him did he notice you didn't come?
Ask him how he would feel if sex only involved you rubbing his balls while he sucked your clit, and no penis action for him at all.

mardirousse · 17/12/2024 19:41

My ex started being selfish in bed after initially being great. I tried talking to him about it as I described above, and it would improve things for a while, but he kept regressing again.

He seems to think the female orgasm is just a bonus, something to congratulate himself on.
But he's a special sort of selfish, evil prick. No way your boyfriend could be as bad.
Don't put up with it.

mathanxiety · 17/12/2024 19:43

He's become far too comfortable in the relationship.

It's a step along the path to discarding you.

smithey85 · 17/12/2024 19:43

MaggieBsBoat · 17/12/2024 19:37

This. Unless he has a good reason, call time on it.

Show quote history

Never ceases to amaze me how quick some people are to say walk away from an otherwise healthy and great relationship.

OP, you need to have a chat with him. He might not even realise he’s being selfish and unless you say something nothing will change. This is a recent thing, so it can easily be fixed, it’s not like the sex has always been bad.

Original poster
Spaklestarflower · 17/12/2024 19:45

Hi thanks for the replies , I have absolutely no intention of standing for it. That's why I'm seriously thinking of ending the relationship. I asked him to go down on me and he just ignored me. I left his really early in the morning , I think he could see I was upset and I just had to get out of there didn't even want to cuddle in bed. I need to end it or I will end up being unfaithful as sex is really important to me and I have a really high sex drive. I haven't yet properly addressed it other than asking him to touch me during and ask him to go down during and he just simply ignored me. I will address it when I see him this Thursday, I just wondered if anyone had any experience of this and the cause?

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 17/12/2024 19:46

He knows exactly what he is doing.

He doesn't care.

Original poster
Spaklestarflower · 17/12/2024 19:46

mardirousse · 17/12/2024 19:38

You need to nip this in the bud.
Ask him did he notice you didn't come?
Ask him how he would feel if sex only involved you rubbing his balls while he sucked your clit, and no penis action for him at all.

Thank you I will be asking this on Thursday

OP posts:
unclemtty · 17/12/2024 19:47

I wonder if he's checked out of the relationship and now just views sex as a physical act with no intimacy and no reciprocation required as it's only about his needs/wants.

Or he's been watching porn and not really understanding that porn is staged rather than a true representation of sexual relationships. Eg women's pleasure is not a factor at all (apart from the requirement of a performance of her 'pleasure')

I remember a AMA on her from a former prostitute who said that almost no men she had sex with gave any thought at all to her pleasure (fair enough I guess) but that is so different from sex with a partner.

Original poster
Spaklestarflower · 17/12/2024 19:48

unclemtty · 17/12/2024 19:47

I wonder if he's checked out of the relationship and now just views sex as a physical act with no intimacy and no reciprocation required as it's only about his needs/wants.

Or he's been watching porn and not really understanding that porn is staged rather than a true representation of sexual relationships. Eg women's pleasure is not a factor at all (apart from the requirement of a performance of her 'pleasure')

I remember a AMA on her from a former prostitute who said that almost no men she had sex with gave any thought at all to her pleasure (fair enough I guess) but that is so different from sex with a partner.

The thing is in other areas he has really checked in recently! Asking to do more couply things, booked weekends away, telling me how much he loves and adores me . Wanting to spend much more time with me so it's a total head fuck

OP posts:
Calypsocuckoo · 17/12/2024 19:53

He wants to do more couply things but doesn’t want to satisfy you in bed, which is a pretty weird way to act in a relationship. I think you need to talk to him about this when you are not in bed, so asking him what he thinks about your sex life, and what has changed for him, and why his preference for position and for satisfying you has changed. If you can’t talk about this then the relationship is all but over, if he doesn’t realise or are, or is defensive or moody about you wanting to talk, then you have dodged a bullet before it got anymore serious and you can end it and move on. Is he selfish or self centred in other ways?

Mmhmmn · 17/12/2024 19:55

You're right not to let it go because it's important to you. You could talk to him about it and/or give him one last chance. And if nothing changes having been clearly reminded that you need to be pleasured as well, just tell him you're finished because he chose to become selfish and shit in bed, and you want someone who interested in your needs as well as his own.

BUT It could still be that he's secretly checked out and doesn't know how to finish things so maybe worth asking him outright if that's why he's stopped trying.

Edit: From seeing updates it doesn't sound like he's checked out, it might just be that he's got too comfortable and thinks he's "got you" so he doesn't need to do stuff that he can't be arsed doing. (selfish)

category12 · 17/12/2024 19:56

Insist on "ladies first" if you're going to keep going with him.

Stop giving head etc unless it's resolved.

EarthSight · 17/12/2024 20:00

It's always interesting when a posters starts with 'We're very compatible.....BUT'.

I'm afraid you're not that compatible. That's just you clinging on to what you like about him, trying to partition it off from the parts you don't like, because you're not ready to accept your lack of compatibility yet.

He's taking the piss OP and knows what he's doing. For me, it's a show of disrespect to a) Treat you this way, and b) even think this could be acceptable to you. It's not the fact that he clearly prefers you on top. It's the fact he obviously takes no male pride whatsoever in pleasuring his woman, and doesn't find your pleasure a turn-on. That would put me off for sure.

Also OP, you're equating a man wanting to spend time with you with him liking, loving or respecting you, but that's not a given at all. I can understand why you'd think that and why this would confuse anyone, but it's not true.

Lots of unhealthy, unpleasant people enjoy being around a partner that they don't treat very well. It most likely means that you are a pleasant, agreeable person to be around, but that doesn't equate respect. Just saying!

emilysquest · 17/12/2024 20:02

If it has changed so much that would be a red flag for me. My first husband suddenly stopped wanting to give oral and although he tried to hide it, he was clearly rather disgusted by it. He was having an affair. With a man.

emilysquest · 17/12/2024 20:04

PS second husband can't get enough of giving it and basically insists on it every time, over and above PIV or blow jobs in terms of priority. If that ever changed I would be highly concerned that something was afoot.

Opentooffers · 17/12/2024 20:19

Sex is a reciprocal thing, if there's no giving, there should be no receiving, and certainly not an expectation to receive without giving - that would give me the ick very fast. So don't give more than you are getting, and from what you say, he owes you big time.
Looks like he's one for pulling out all the stops to impress at the start, then gets lazy. That's his problem, nothing to do with you. Be disappointed, be unimpressed, by all means, but dont take it personally. He's more likely to understand actions rather than words, so no BJ's before going down should hammer the point home. He can bloody well miss out to the same degree you are - he won't hold out on you if he likes a BJ so much.
Crap foreplay and lack of, could be tricky to solve. Some men are crap with their hands. The best men are good all rounders, but many are stronger in some areas than others.

Pipconkermash · 17/12/2024 20:23

Gross. You’re just a really posh wank to him. 🤢

Original poster
Spaklestarflower · 17/12/2024 20:32

EarthSight · 17/12/2024 20:00

It's always interesting when a posters starts with 'We're very compatible.....BUT'.

I'm afraid you're not that compatible. That's just you clinging on to what you like about him, trying to partition it off from the parts you don't like, because you're not ready to accept your lack of compatibility yet.

He's taking the piss OP and knows what he's doing. For me, it's a show of disrespect to a) Treat you this way, and b) even think this could be acceptable to you. It's not the fact that he clearly prefers you on top. It's the fact he obviously takes no male pride whatsoever in pleasuring his woman, and doesn't find your pleasure a turn-on. That would put me off for sure.

Also OP, you're equating a man wanting to spend time with you with him liking, loving or respecting you, but that's not a given at all. I can understand why you'd think that and why this would confuse anyone, but it's not true.

Lots of unhealthy, unpleasant people enjoy being around a partner that they don't treat very well. It most likely means that you are a pleasant, agreeable person to be around, but that doesn't equate respect. Just saying!

Edited

Thanks for this it's been really helpful hearing it put in this way. It's like your saying what I already know. It's sad but it's also true and I cam handle that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spaklestarflower · 17/12/2024 20:35

Opentooffers · 17/12/2024 20:19

Sex is a reciprocal thing, if there's no giving, there should be no receiving, and certainly not an expectation to receive without giving - that would give me the ick very fast. So don't give more than you are getting, and from what you say, he owes you big time.
Looks like he's one for pulling out all the stops to impress at the start, then gets lazy. That's his problem, nothing to do with you. Be disappointed, be unimpressed, by all means, but dont take it personally. He's more likely to understand actions rather than words, so no BJ's before going down should hammer the point home. He can bloody well miss out to the same degree you are - he won't hold out on you if he likes a BJ so much.
Crap foreplay and lack of, could be tricky to solve. Some men are crap with their hands. The best men are good all rounders, but many are stronger in some areas than others.

Yes your right I think he is just lazy
When he used to do it he was good at it and he knows it as I would cum from it
So he's just being very selfish and lazy isn't he I feel quite angry now

OP posts:
Original poster
Spaklestarflower · 17/12/2024 20:35

Pipconkermash · 17/12/2024 20:23

Gross. You’re just a really posh wank to him. 🤢

It seems so. Not for much longer

OP posts:
paisley256 · 17/12/2024 20:35

How dare he!! The best lovers are the ones who enthusiastically enjoy and are aroused by your pleasure. He is or has become very selfish and there's no way I'd be standing for it.

He must he aware of his behaviour and therefore I'd be worried he just doesn't care. It's the overall selfishness that gets me.

Please talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel.

Sceptical123 · 17/12/2024 20:36

Spaklestarflower · 17/12/2024 19:48

The thing is in other areas he has really checked in recently! Asking to do more couply things, booked weekends away, telling me how much he loves and adores me . Wanting to spend much more time with me so it's a total head fuck

Show quote history

He wants to spend more time with you bc sex is now 100% about him and to most men that’s amazing