He's become selfish on the bedroom * tmi for some warning

[Spaklestarflower]

I've nc for this one
Apologies if its a bit crude

• there may be a little too much information for some so just warning ahead.

I'm literally at my wits end with this one.
I've been in a relationship with a man for just over a year now.
We are very compatible, or we're, up until recently we have a very good sex life and really equal. For example if one evening it was more about pleasuring him , it would then be reciprocated the following time and the rest of the time it just flowed and seemed a very healthy loving passionate sex life.
The last month I'd say he has been really really selfish and it's driving me nuts.
He won't go on top, won't go down on me and he hasn't even touched me down there in over a month.
I've always bigged him up on his skills down there so it's definitely not a confidence issue.
The first couple of times this happened I thought I won't say anything as he will be all over me next time... but no this has not happened 😕 I saw him last night and thought ill just see what he's like .
So he still kisses me lots and tries it on so to speak he's actually all over me beforehand. We banter and flirt he fancies me , I dress up in lingerie, we go out for meals and have lovely evenings together.
Then we got into bed last night and we were kissing and undressing , he guided my hands towards his penis so I started touching him, he was hard so he's definitely turned on. He then pulls me on top and because I feel so starved lately I do it as I fancy him and really want to have sex. I'm ontop for about 5 minutes he then lifts me off and initiates me giving him a bj so I start thinking it will lead to more ..... he comes 😏 this has happened a few times now but last night afterwards I felt so so sad and obviously sexually frustrated I felt really used and unattractive.
I don't know how to approach this?
But I'm starting to feel like he isn't into me anymore although he constantly says he fancies the pants off me, compliments me and tells me he loves me all the time. What is going on?

now You know why he’s divorced

@Spaklestarflower I did wonder if something was putting him
off.
I’ve read the replies and I just think he’s being lazy and is getting away with it. .

Id have had something to say at the time I wouldn’t have been able to hold back my disappointment .

If you are now put off him totaly then end it.
If you would like to stay together you could be blunt and say “oh and don’t think what happened the other night is happening again “ it’s not all about you , you know “

Can you imagine if a husband came on here and was contemplating ending his marriage because his wife no longer wanted to give HIM oral? There would be uproar , he’d be told to respect her wishes, she’s not a sex object, and nobody should do anything they feel uncomfortable with.

But using OP for his own pleasure only and not bothering about hers is treating her like a sex toy.

If he doesn't like particular sex acts that's fine, he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to, but he needs to ensure she is having a good time as well in other ways.

If the part of sex he doesn't enjoy is OP having fun too, then perhaps he's not suited to partnered sex.

Absolutely not rtwt . I've also never had any previous boyfriends say anything and my hygiene habits have not changed. I've had some very outspoken boyfriends ( including this one) so I know they would of said something to me. I'm super clean and healthy.

And what was his response? Sorry if you’ve already said and I’ve missed it.

Yes I thought exactly the same thing!! His ex is lovely too I've met her when I met his son
She is in another relationship and seems very happy... I bet he goes down on her 😂🤔 good for her if she had to put up with this behaviour for years!!

He ignored me

Has he met someone else, OP?

The lack of wanting to please you, together with an uptick in wanting to do "couple" things feels very off.

Yes he may be ? I haven't seen any other signs

My ex was like this, too. Started off well, then fizzled to premature ejaculations after half hated foreplay. It's so frustrating and depressing. He ended up being cross with me because I refused to have sex with him in the end. Yes, because it was rubbish, and I felt like a receptacle for his orgasm. I'm friends with his new partner, and she has a fine selection of vibrators so I doubt he changed.

He's a lazy cunt and doesn't care if, when or how many times you orgasm. I'd just forget him and move on. You clearly know plenty about what you want in bed and he is ignoring you. Not worth another moment of your time.

I think it's either:
-He's lazy
-He watches too much porn where it's all about BJs and men's pleasure
-He doesn't care about your pleasure

I went out with a guy in what I thought was a serious relationship for 2 years who gradually over time just started to delay coming he would make sex longer and longer and longer and it didn’t matter if I said I was getting sore or not enjoying it, he would find a way to keep me doing it for hours and hours by slapping a load of lube on me. I kept asking him in different ways why it was going on so long, and trying everything to make him come and he wouldn’t answer, and he gave up making me orgasms as well and I got all uptight at knowing it would be this massive session.

I had this same moment one night at like 2am when it had been going on so long when I just realised I was just a warm body for him to experiment on, and I made him stop and got really annoyed so he told me that he liked to see how long he could hold back and not come, like a challenge to himself to test himself. I really do think he was doing viagra but I never found out if he was or not. I stopped having sex with him for only 2 weeks to make a point for us to do things other than sex and he broke up with me pretty much straight away by ghosting and blocking me.

I wouldn’t bother trying to have a chat with this man about the reasons why as he will likely just put on a show for a few weeks again and go straight back to his selfish ways. My ex was the same, making plans with me when things were going the way he wanted to

What's that saying on MN

When someone shows you who they are believe them !

I find this utterly bizarre! I’m sorry that you experienced this. I’d honestly just have a row, there and then. WTF?!

This sounds awful 😖 so sorry to hear you went through this! Men like these give the decent ones a bad name

If that scenario ever cropped up, he’d either be told he was crap in bed or needs to do more housework….lets be honest, he wouldn’t be taken seriously.

On Thursday, you need to have the conversation long before you go to bed.

What is your point though? Are you saying his behaviour in the bedroom is acceptable? I know what your trying to say that if this was the other way around mumsnet wouldn't take it seriously however I have read lots of posts from men and some really supportive comments towards men also.

Thanks , however I won't be staying the night, I'm feeling quite angry now I've processed it properly and feel I've been treated really badly

He was making the effort, now he's trying to get away with making no effort, testing you. This is what he is really like and will always aim for: lazy as fuck. Who wants a selfish lover? bleurgh

I know right? It is bizarre!! I think I was just in such a shock and feeling so full of 😞 disappointment amd a feeling if being used I couldn't feel anything other than a sad numb feeling , couldn't even feel angry
Just tried to sleep . Didn't sleep well at all and left as soon as I woke. I also cried on the drive home

I hope you update us on Thursday with what he said, I feel strangely invested in your lack of oral sex 🤣

Hi op, I'm another one with an ex who was super attentive and great in bed for the first few months and then it began to peter out into very brief and unsatisfying sex - for me anyway. He didn't seem that bothered as long as he came and could fall asleep snoring like a fucking train.
Sex is really important to me so I felt like he had conned me.
Some guys can just put on a good show for a while but who are naturally just lazy in bed.
For this and a couple of other reasons I dumped mine (and told him very clearly why) and wouldn't hang around doing the same with yours op.

I will update straight away