MIL and colleague just cutting me off for having a different opinion.

[Timeforcake9]

What is going on here? On two separate occasions 2 women who I thought were being kind and we got on well completely cut me off.

1. Someone I worked with. They are known in the workplace for being overly helpful and accommodating. They do charity work and pride themselves on being fair etc. One conversation one day with others and I simply didn’t agree with one of the discussions. Nothing major I just had a different perspective, not negating hers but offered mine. That was is, never spoke to me at work for years.

2. My mother in law. We were absolutely fine until my daughter was born (or so I thought). She offered me her thoughts about how I should do things, like who changes the nappy, which milk. I kindly said I had my own thoughts, I’d like to do it this way. Then again I’m being totally ignored. She is another pillar of the community, charity work, most people like her. She can barely acknowledge me anymore. It seems ridiculous, I don’t mind opinions at all and I take up the ideas I like.

It’s hard to comment on the first one without knowing what the discussion was about and if either perspective was completely batshit.

I’m wondering if you’re being as kindly in your delivery as you think you are. But your post is lacking SO much context about both situations. Why are you mentioning that these people do charity work, what does this have to do with anything?! When you say ‘ignored’ do you mean they literally never spoke to you again or might you be exaggerating?

Sorry not to just take what you’ve said at face value, but the details you’ve included are a bit odd.

First one depends on what the issue was really
Second one seems very common with mils

The conversation at work was really nothing, it was over who looses out more if they work Xmas eve. I said that those with young kids as Xmas is about children. She said I don’t have young kids but I want to see my elderly mum. I don’t think anyone is more
wrong or right, only we have different opinions. Never talked to me for years before they left. I mentioned the charity work because they both seem to be kind, always talk about the charity work but then they do seem to cut off people. The colleague and MIL has people they don’t talk to. Kind people I didn’t think were like this.

I mean cut off and never look back. Won’t discuss or work through it.

Just because someone is kind and does charity work doesn't mean they can't also take offense, hold a grudge, and be quite childish or passive agressive about it.

Based purely on your OP and your second post this sounds like a them problem rather than a you problem. They have form for it and eventually they got around to you.

I’m guessing you aren’t as diplomatic as you think you are. Saying that you think people with small children should be prioritised at Christmas is risky. You don’t know her own personal circumstances and it may have been a very touchy subject. Unless you said it VERY gently I can imagine it touched a nerve.

if you have not had the empathy to consider this I wonder how tactful you actually were with your MIL too. If you say most people like these women and they are generally very kind, maybe it’s the way YOU’VE handled the situation.

All depends on how you express "your opinions". If the work conversation was a general musing discussion about being off over Christmas Eve, where you both showed empathy for a range of circumstances, then ignoring you might be weird. But if you shared your circumstances as an opinion that means Christmas is more important for those with children, that would be cruel and I'd probably give you a swerve as well.

Edited as posted before I'd finished.

Saying Christmas is all about children is a guaranteed way to piss off the child free, who often aren't child free by choice, have other family commitments and are sick of being dumped on for Christmas and holidays.

I suspect you weren't as tactful as you thought or didn't realise how upsetting a topic it is.

From a lot of posts on here, it would seem that in workplaces that need to stay open over the Christmas period, priority for not having to work on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day is normally given to employees with children. If that is the case where you work, she was probably feeling pissed off already. However, not to speak to you ever again is ridiculous and unprofessional.

At the time I had a young child and I was working that Xmas eve so it’s didn’t affect me. It was general talking upstairs with other people. Others with small children also said the same thing but for some reason I was the one who she was most upset with. We are all entitled to have personal opinions and I understand these change with each personal circumstance. I have leaned not to mention opinions anymore at work.

Gently, I don’t think the problem is with the other two women.

She never has to work Xmas evening. She often gets put down for earlier in the day. I however had worked 6 out of 7 lates on Xmas eve and I don’t think it’s a fair system. I think I’d done my fair share.

Ok, maybe. Perhaps we just clash as all the rest of the people at work and family we all get on fine.

A lot of people can’t take other’s opinions and do take offence. It’s just the way it is. I’m like you, I can understand a differing opinion isn’t an argument.

I’ve worked 6 out of 7 lates on Xmas eve, this lady however has always been allocated early daytime so I don’t think that is the case.

You are really unreasonable in your first opinion on Xmas. If people are in a job that requires Xmas eve then you take turns, bring a parent doesn't trump someone else's commitment. You made a selfish and ignorant statement that is really hurtful to those of different views.

Your comments are rather passive aggressive so I would be curious what your tone is

And you’ve come to that conclusion by what there’s literally nothing there to suggest this lady is wrong at all. Some people are just twats also with the mother-in-law issue you know what it’s like sometimes when they don’t get what they want so maybe this person writing this post does stand up a little bit for herself doesn’t mean to say that she deserves them to cut her off.

OP was working Xmas eve.

Well in that case she is ridiculous and unfair.

Your MIL issues seem to follow a common pattern where problems with the relationship only start after a DIL has had a baby. If she is ignoring you, that's her loss, not yours as she will be losing out by not seeing your baby.

I don’t think you are right she has not beenPassive aggressive she was simply asked her opinion about who should take priority as she also said she worked Christmas Eve anyway also I happen to agree with her

Ok. But I have worked 6 out of 7 lates
and they have only been given early days. It was part of the discussion that it’s not really fair. I have young kids and I think it should be late one year then early then late. They then went on to say they have an elderly mum so can’t do lates. I share a child so only get every other year with her so I wanted staggered lates.

I'm always wary of people who say they said things "kindly"....

OP has worked until late on 6 Christmas Eves out of 7 so has done more than her fair share.

I think if this has happened twice and you’re unable to offer any real insight at all into why these otherwise seemingly reasonable women have taken offence and held such a grudge, I fear the issue may actually lie with you. Perhaps you’re not as tactful in your opinions or as accepting of other views as you think.

Or 'gently' followed by a load of victim blaming bollocks.