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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL and colleague just cutting me off for having a different opinion.

151 replies

Timeforcake9 · 17/12/2024 11:38

What is going on here? On two separate occasions 2 women who I thought were being kind and we got on well completely cut me off.

  1. Someone I worked with. They are known in the workplace for being overly helpful and accommodating. They do charity work and pride themselves on being fair etc. One conversation one day with others and I simply didn’t agree with one of the discussions. Nothing major I just had a different perspective, not negating hers but offered mine. That was is, never spoke to me at work for years.

  2. My mother in law. We were absolutely fine until my daughter was born (or so I thought). She offered me her thoughts about how I should do things, like who changes the nappy, which milk. I kindly said I had my own thoughts, I’d like to do it this way. Then again I’m being totally ignored. She is another pillar of the community, charity work, most people like her. She can barely acknowledge me anymore. It seems ridiculous, I don’t mind opinions at all and I take up the ideas I like.

OP posts:
Timeforcake9 · 17/12/2024 16:57

ThatTealViewer · 17/12/2024 16:55

It would seem not. Such a pity.

So why not just tell me what I need to learn. I said up thread I have ADHD. so I don’t always understand things correctly or express that I do.

OP posts:
Timeforcake9 · 17/12/2024 16:59

People speak in riddles to me. If there is something to get, something I’m not picking up on they please do just say it in a more direct way.

OP posts:
ThatTealViewer · 17/12/2024 17:43

Timeforcake9 · 17/12/2024 16:57

So why not just tell me what I need to learn. I said up thread I have ADHD. so I don’t always understand things correctly or express that I do.

What are you talking about? I did tell you. Quite literally. It’s in the quote history of this comment.

Multiple people have told you. If you aren’t going to listen or engage with what we’re saying, but choose to endlessly repeat yourself instead, there’s not much we can do about it.

Like I said, I tried.

ThatTealViewer · 17/12/2024 17:45

ThatTealViewer · 17/12/2024 14:53

You seem to be stuck on the unfairness (in your opinion) of it all and this thread seems to be going in circles.

Either the opinions you expressed or the manner in which you expressed them were offensive enough to these women for them to cut you off. We are not in a position to state whether or not this was your fault. However, they (your MIL and colleague) clearly do think you were in the wrong. From their perspective, that’s all that matters - so they cut you off. Whether or not you think that was fair or warranted is irrelevant.

Thats really all there is to it. If what you’re hoping for is advice to stop this from occurring again, you’ll need to analyse how you speak to people and honestly appraise whether there is room for improvement. That’s not really something anyone here can help with.

This is me speaking in riddles? How could this possibly be more direct?

Timeforcake9 · 17/12/2024 17:57

ThatTealViewer · 17/12/2024 17:43

What are you talking about? I did tell you. Quite literally. It’s in the quote history of this comment.

Multiple people have told you. If you aren’t going to listen or engage with what we’re saying, but choose to endlessly repeat yourself instead, there’s not much we can do about it.

Like I said, I tried.

And in the possibility that my opinion nor the manner in which expressed is not a problem? I don’t think anyone can ever not ever upset anyone ever can they? Do people really go around behaving like this, not even being able to respectfully not agree. I have learned to not express my opinion.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 17/12/2024 18:30

Timeforcake9 · 17/12/2024 17:57

And in the possibility that my opinion nor the manner in which expressed is not a problem? I don’t think anyone can ever not ever upset anyone ever can they? Do people really go around behaving like this, not even being able to respectfully not agree. I have learned to not express my opinion.

Your MIL and your colleague sound like the sort of people who will be nice to you if you always agree with them or do what they say, but cannot bear to be challenged in any way.

Your colleague's reaction to a difference of opinion was completely over the top and you have said that she was demoted from a managerial position due to her behaviour.

Your MIL is angry because you didn't follow her instructions for bringing up your children. As she never sees them now, she was hardly grandmother of the year so don't worry about it.

Nobody can go through life without upsetting other people so don't take the loss of these two relationships too much to heart.

Itsnotblippi · 17/12/2024 18:47

You recognise that what you said wasn't great, but we're all entitled to our opinion and a mature person would've agreed to disagree, unless there were other underlying reasons of course.

You mention these women are strong pillars of the community. Popular people have ways of keeping power, they need to always seem right and sometimes rule by fear and manipulation. It could be that they used you as an example and cut you off as a form of punishment and a way of showing others that if they disagree they may be outcasted too.

Everybody is quick to jump at you about your view at the time on children and Christmas shift priority but nobody has taken into account that your colleague knew you were vulnerable and took you under her wing, only to drop you at the slightest thing.

We all our foot in it at times, but don't be hard on yourself. Your MIL sounds like a jackass, punishing you AND grandchild for you voicing you differing opinion.

ThatTealViewer · 17/12/2024 18:55

Timeforcake9 · 17/12/2024 17:57

And in the possibility that my opinion nor the manner in which expressed is not a problem? I don’t think anyone can ever not ever upset anyone ever can they? Do people really go around behaving like this, not even being able to respectfully not agree. I have learned to not express my opinion.

Jesus Christ.

Ontherocksthisyear · 17/12/2024 19:09

Skyrainlight · 17/12/2024 14:24

OMG. Do you have comprehension issues?

If you had said I have worked 6 out of 7 times, I don't feel it's fair and that it should be fair no one could take offense.

But here you go again defending your entitled 'Christmas is about kids' line again.

Expect more people to cut you off in the future. This is a you problem.

And FYI - trying to force people to agree with your opinion by repeating it again and again when they clearly do not agree is also not a desirable trait.

Get over yourself. Christmas is pretty much for kids.

RolaColaLola · 17/12/2024 19:32

Timeforcake9 · 17/12/2024 12:39

Oh well then I suppose that’s the consequence of speaking an opinion and why I don’t anymore at work. It’s a place mainly worked at by mums so 90% of the opinions was the same as mine but I’m the one who didn’t get spoke to. If she actually spoke to me I would have said sorry I didn’t mean to be hurtful and I understand my opinion could have been changed but she didn’t want to repair so that was that.

This suggests your opinion isn’t the problem, I suspect it was your attitude/delivery that’s caused offence. Unfortunately non of us can really offer any useful insight because we were not there. It obviously still bothers you, I wonder whether there’s someone at work who was present at the time and could give you some feedback? Might that help to draw a line under things for you?

Skyrainlight · 17/12/2024 19:45

Ontherocksthisyear · 17/12/2024 19:09

Get over yourself. Christmas is pretty much for kids.

In your opinion.

Opentooffers · 17/12/2024 19:54

It just goes to show that people want time off over Xmas for all sorts of reasons. To them, their reason matters just as much. You could say that Xmas is about family in general and togetherness, not just DC's, and her DM certainly is that.
Ultimately whatever the reason, nobody should miss out more, and it should be shared. Unfortunately with Xmas, and time off or rotas worked for any reason, it will always tip in the favour of those who speak loudest, so you worked the late on Xmas eve lots most likely as you didn't request or complain as vocally to the powers that be who set the rota.
But one person's experience of disgruntlement is all relative, so given that I've worked the late on Xmas day last year, and am doing it again this year, perhaps you could count yourself lucky that none of you have had to complain about working Xmas day? - Xmas eve being just another ordinary day, and no extra pay either for some, so it's neither here nor there. Lol, had to get that in as arguing about eve when working the dad seems small potatoes.
The real overall upshot, is, it is what it is and in life some people can't get over things, even small things, these are just 2 examples, it happens. But that's about them, and shows who they are, not about you. Your issue is in taking it personally, whereas most people just shrug their shoulders and get on with life. You are most likely not a common denominator, this is just a case of 2 out of hundreds you've known in life. Also, MIL situation is a notorious one.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 17/12/2024 20:04

AnnaMagnani · 17/12/2024 12:19

Saying Christmas is all about children is a guaranteed way to piss off the child free, who often aren't child free by choice, have other family commitments and are sick of being dumped on for Christmas and holidays.

I suspect you weren't as tactful as you thought or didn't realise how upsetting a topic it is.

It's pretty much guaranteed to piss off anyone without children

stripypanda100 · 17/12/2024 21:06

Santa Claus is the patron of Christmas, bringing gifts to children on Christmas Eve. His image embodies the spirit of giving that was central to the life of St. Nicholas, a 4th-century Christian saint.

Christmas is essentially for children as for everyone else it is about getting together with loved ones BUT i think people are forgetting that they can get together with loved ones any day of the year ...
it's a choice...
but "Santa" comes once a year so for those special few years when children 'believe' of course it is nice for parents to share in the magic ... that is not the OP saying christmas is more important than people who do not have children
can't understand how ppl are being so rude and unnecessary in their comments to OP... all she is trying to reiterate is that she wants the shifts to be shared equally at christmas 🤷‍♀️

Luddite26 · 17/12/2024 21:10

I agree @stripypanda100

Timeforcake9 · 17/12/2024 21:47

Thank you to those who’ve given really good balanced arguments. I dont understand why different opinions can’t exist at the time same time without people thinking theirs is less because of it. The poster was right about me
not making a fuss so my shifts weren’t change. Until I did go and speak and it was changed. This lady on the other had had many of her shifts changed by request so I’m not sure why the issue and I never said anything for all those years she asked to change to be with her elderly mum. My kids will always be my personal priority.

I did remember she made comments about me because after an occupation health meeting about an illness things were put in place to help if I needed. She complained that she had an illness and why was I getting special treatment but she was happy to push through her illness. I think this relationship at this time was not as good as I thought. But as others have said it was a while ago now.

OP posts:
SpunkyCritic · 17/12/2024 21:55

Wow. I can totally understand the colleague and MIL. They are probably relived they don't have to deal with all this shit again.

Timeforcake9 · 17/12/2024 22:25

SpunkyCritic · 17/12/2024 21:55

Wow. I can totally understand the colleague and MIL. They are probably relived they don't have to deal with all this shit again.

I think the feeling is mutual regarding MIL but it’s a shame she doesn’t want to bother with her grandkids or son tbh, or their other daughter or her partner really because he also make a comment about her that she didn’t like. At least we all get on so that’s nice.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 18/12/2024 07:51

Ontherocksthisyear · 17/12/2024 19:09

Get over yourself. Christmas is pretty much for kids.

Stop with the wind up. Are people who can’t have children not allowed to enjoy Christmas? Are people who choose not to have children allowed to enjoy it?

Because I’m having a bloody brilliant Christmas and it’s still a week away: adult panto, pop up alpine restaurants, parties, visiting National Trust properties near me, Christmas markets, midweek mulled wine and roast chestnuts, shopping for new decorations, Christmas dinners at local pubs, singing along to Spotify’s Christmas playlists in the car, ice skating, Christmas films on a Sunday afternoon all through December, choosing and decorating the tree (with more mulled wine).

There’s lots you can enjoy without children and arguably you have the time, money and freedom to do more. Different people choose different Christmases. Not everyone needs children to have a good time.

Timeforcake9 · 18/12/2024 08:50

StormingNorman · 18/12/2024 07:51

Stop with the wind up. Are people who can’t have children not allowed to enjoy Christmas? Are people who choose not to have children allowed to enjoy it?

Because I’m having a bloody brilliant Christmas and it’s still a week away: adult panto, pop up alpine restaurants, parties, visiting National Trust properties near me, Christmas markets, midweek mulled wine and roast chestnuts, shopping for new decorations, Christmas dinners at local pubs, singing along to Spotify’s Christmas playlists in the car, ice skating, Christmas films on a Sunday afternoon all through December, choosing and decorating the tree (with more mulled wine).

There’s lots you can enjoy without children and arguably you have the time, money and freedom to do more. Different people choose different Christmases. Not everyone needs children to have a good time.

I totally get what you are saying. We were specifically talking about Christmas Eve evening. I was referring to not being home at their bedtime to tuck them into bed and doing the spreading of the reindeer food etc. They don’t believe in this part for very long. Also this lady has a daughter (although grown up now). When I said who looses the most in my opinion at that time with 2 young kids it was kids that miss out for those few hours in the evening for 5 years in a row. And also me as a mum.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 18/12/2024 10:14

Timeforcake9 · 18/12/2024 08:50

I totally get what you are saying. We were specifically talking about Christmas Eve evening. I was referring to not being home at their bedtime to tuck them into bed and doing the spreading of the reindeer food etc. They don’t believe in this part for very long. Also this lady has a daughter (although grown up now). When I said who looses the most in my opinion at that time with 2 young kids it was kids that miss out for those few hours in the evening for 5 years in a row. And also me as a mum.

The poster I replied to wasn't talking specifically about Christmas Eve, but in your case the holiday shifts should be spread more fairly around the team.

The lady in question may have a contractual arrangement not to work lates - some people to have variations written into their terms. I worked with someone who never worked a Friday evening or Saturday because of Shabbat. But even if this is the case, the Christmas Eve late shifts should be rotated around everyone else.

Could you start some now traditions for Christmas Eve morning too? A favourite breakfast with a tablecloth you can colour in, watch a Christmas movie together, play a few games, start tracking Santa's sleigh online, put Rudolph's carrot out in the morning...

It is a shame to miss out.

healthybychristmas · 18/12/2024 10:34

StormingNorman · 17/12/2024 12:24

Gently, I don’t think the problem is with the other two women.

That really isn't fair and is very passive aggressive.

healthybychristmas · 18/12/2024 10:35

CurlewKate · 17/12/2024 12:29

I'm always wary of people who say they said things "kindly"....

Me too. And gently.

healthybychristmas · 18/12/2024 10:37

I think a rookie error is believing that people who do charity work are automatically kind people with good people skills. Some will be of course and others really aren't. Sometimes they can get a lot of power that way that they can't get normally.

Skyrainlight · 18/12/2024 10:37

StormingNorman · 18/12/2024 07:51

Stop with the wind up. Are people who can’t have children not allowed to enjoy Christmas? Are people who choose not to have children allowed to enjoy it?

Because I’m having a bloody brilliant Christmas and it’s still a week away: adult panto, pop up alpine restaurants, parties, visiting National Trust properties near me, Christmas markets, midweek mulled wine and roast chestnuts, shopping for new decorations, Christmas dinners at local pubs, singing along to Spotify’s Christmas playlists in the car, ice skating, Christmas films on a Sunday afternoon all through December, choosing and decorating the tree (with more mulled wine).

There’s lots you can enjoy without children and arguably you have the time, money and freedom to do more. Different people choose different Christmases. Not everyone needs children to have a good time.

I think you are having a better Christmas than most people, sounds like you are making the most of every moment. I love that, enjoy!