MIL and colleague just cutting me off for having a different opinion.

[Timeforcake9]

What is going on here? On two separate occasions 2 women who I thought were being kind and we got on well completely cut me off.

1. Someone I worked with. They are known in the workplace for being overly helpful and accommodating. They do charity work and pride themselves on being fair etc. One conversation one day with others and I simply didn’t agree with one of the discussions. Nothing major I just had a different perspective, not negating hers but offered mine. That was is, never spoke to me at work for years.

2. My mother in law. We were absolutely fine until my daughter was born (or so I thought). She offered me her thoughts about how I should do things, like who changes the nappy, which milk. I kindly said I had my own thoughts, I’d like to do it this way. Then again I’m being totally ignored. She is another pillar of the community, charity work, most people like her. She can barely acknowledge me anymore. It seems ridiculous, I don’t mind opinions at all and I take up the ideas I like.

Your exact words:
"The conversation at work was really nothing, it was over who looses out more if they work Xmas eve. I said that those with young kids as Xmas is about children. She said I don’t have young kids but I want to see my elderly mum."

No one is denying that the leave allocation should be fair. I'm not sure why you keep bringing that up. We are saying your view above in your own words is entitled and ignorant. You keep trying to deflect and defend a different point. Yes things should be fair.

Not everyone gets on with everybody and that's okay. Some people are sensitive and take everything personally and some don't give a dam.

I’m not making it up. I’m not sure what I would gain from making it up. I said she had a daughter but she had quite bad mental health issues. I don’t have issues with others like these 2 people. The behaviour was/is weird to me. I have been wondering about it. The argument with colleague was several years ago, like maybe 4 years.

Yes several years ago I had left an abusive relationship and was living in a room with my child. I was very naive and all about kids. My colleagues knew about this. I’m not sure, that’s why I’m asking why she cut all contact, wouldn’t even pass on work messages.

You are still clearly angered by the unfairness of how the Christmas rota is worked. And that Christmas you had managed to switch the rota to give you preference (which I appreciate may have felt only right if you'd worked the previous 6) but even then complained about how parents should get preferential treatment as 'Christmas is about children'.

I disagree - Christmas is not just about children. I have (grown up) children, but even when they were young I would never argue that I should be allowed time off at Christmas is favour of colleagues without them. Christmas means many things to many people.

Your anger still comes across now, so I struggle to believe that when you had this discussion 4 years ago, your anger didn't come across. And when you'd switched your shift, so presumably someone else had to work Christmas Eve lates, to then argue your point angrily to someone who had their own commitments and worries, was likely to upset them.

If you apologies soon after, genuinely and without condition, then hopefully they would have gone back to a normal relationship with you. But maybe you didn't apologise (and they could reasonably be saying to someone 'my old colleague who I thought I got on with was really unkind to me 4 years ago and has still never apoligised').

And to be fair most people with kids did get favoured to have time off over Christmas where I've worked or summer holidays etc . Rightly or wrongly! I didn't have kids at the time so didn't mind working although it did seem unfair.

There is literally no arguing with you. You keep jumping to different points that are irrelevant to the discussion. You have been told why by numerous people. When you express an opinion that places your needs above other peoples because you are more important in the given situation people will take offense. Particularly people who have been kind to you in the past and have taken you under their wing. It's a kick in the teeth. Your colleague doesn't have to put up with your bad behaviour indefinitely when you belittle her right to be equal in terms of Christmas leave. And please don't yammer on about 6 out of 7 again. WE KNOW! But that wasn't what you expressed to her as the problem.

There is a chance that you've been wronged on these 2 occasions, in which case these are 2 unreasonable people you've been unfortunate enough to come across.

It's also possible that one of them was reasonable and one was unreasonable.

It's also possible that you were the unreasonable one on those occasions.

Whichever it is, as it's still bothering you, and as it appears you don't usually go through life falling out with people so are a reasonable person, can you have a quiet word with both, and suggest that you wipe the slate clean and start again where you left off?

It's the season of goodwill and all that.... perhaps it's time to build some bridges, even if it wasn't your fault in the first place.

If she is refusing to do her job properly by refusing to forward work related stuff to you, you need to inform your manager. This is completely unprofessional and she could be disciplined for this.

I think it’s because people are trying to tell me I’m implying something I did not. How would others feel if they had worked 6 in 7 and then others (including this lady) 1 or 2. They had gone and told the manager they needed it off because their mum is elderly or because their partner was poorly (all totally understandable). Xmas is about kids for me (currently and at that time). So why am I working most of them. I’m not sure why that makes me think I’m more worthy? And the whole discussion was about this.

She has left now but I did bring it up. She refused to work, talk or stand next tor me. She did this with our old manager also. She had to step down from manager herself because she couldn’t get on with the new one at all. You court hear them shouting and swearing and then running out crying. It was all strange at one point. Anyway I’m waffling sorry.

OMG. Do you have comprehension issues?

If you had said I have worked 6 out of 7 times, I don't feel it's fair and that it should be fair no one could take offense.

But here you go again defending your entitled 'Christmas is about kids' line again.

Expect more people to cut you off in the future. This is a you problem.

And FYI - trying to force people to agree with your opinion by repeating it again and again when they clearly do not agree is also not a desirable trait.

Yep, this.

OP maybe you're that annoying 'I just tell it like it is, me' at your work, and this was just the final straw for your colleague.

I did say this. They know this.

My kids are grown up. But I agree with OP anyway workplaces should be more sensitive about rotas I would always swop with someone who has kids at home. I can celebrate Xmas any time.
If my elderly mother had ever wanted to spend Xmas with me I would have said I am working because x y z at work should be home enjoying Christmas with their kids we can have tea or lunch on such a date.
The magic of Xmas is really only for kids or families with older people with special needs.

I will now just refer you to your own comments:
"The conversation at work was really nothing, it was over who looses out more if they work Xmas eve. I said that those with young kids as Xmas is about children."

And for my response to whatever you are going to say next please refer to my previous comments. You will never change my mind, you will never wear me down, I will never agree with you on this. Accept it. Give up trying to convince me that you are in anyway reasonable because the more you try the more you fail.

That’s nice. I’ve swopped shifts in the years since for people and visa versa. I guess that particular year after the abuse and leaving and feeling really low I just wanted to be with my child so at that time that was my feeling. It’s not like it’s an every year constant thing. Opinions change over time. I was shocked at the fall back from one afternoon at work. I wanted and tried to talk but she wouldn’t look at me in the face anymore. Her mum is still here so she got many more xmas’s with her too and now she has left she can spent them with her.

Thats ok, I don’t mind. I know I’m a good reasonable person. I’ve got a nice life and 2 lovely kids. I was just looking for some perspective so I take it.

I think to say Christmas is all about children especially to someone who doesn't have them (maybe not by choice) is a pretty insensitive and hurtful thing to say. I also don't think Christmas is all about children so I'd have been annoyed with you about that. She might really value the time she has left with her Mam and be upset she doesn't have a family.

She has a daughter.

I think what I was stuck on was the stark reaction. In the past with disagreements with anyone we talk and come to a conclusion and we move on. This was weird, not being looked at.

OP, you are not wrong. There are lots, and increasing in numbers, people oit there that give their opinion. End of. You are not allowed to add anything. It is like a new "Bible". Untouchable. Your opinion is not welcome.
I find that lots of this type of people actually have rather antisocial opinions. Like you should not as someone whether they have a partner or children, or any sort of personal/ work/ politics/ hobbies.. questions in passing conversation. Everyone is out to annoy or upset them. I think they are paranoid, to be honest.
I do have some issues I do get strong emotions about, but if you are not nasty to me, I cannot just drop you because simply you do not agree with me and have the "nerve to say so"

I get I voiced an opinion at that time that wasn’t liked. I get what happens when people don’t like what you say and not being liked is perfectly ok. I don’t think that’s enough of a reason to not be able to look at them or even discuss work stuff. Same like my MiL, so I don’t agree with leaving a baby to cry why does that mean you never ever want to see the baby again?

Some opinions are best not shared. For example your first opinion relating Christmas, I would never share an opinion like that with someone who is childfree. They have many reasons to have a different perspective on that and it could potentially be hurtful or triggering for some people.

The second opinion you shared with your MiL, well I’d say you saved yourself a load of hassle by stomping out that boundary crossing on her part but obviously at a cost to the relationship.

I had a friend who felt she could share every opinion she had in any context even based on minimal thought from her. She was constantly getting herself into difficulty with this attitude by offending people, but for her being allowed to give any opinion she had mattered more to her than relationships. She would lament the loss of the relationship after but never change her behaviour. It is something to consider. Do you want to share every opinion or consider the people around you?

From what you have just said, I think your colleague had a lot of problems in addition to her behaviour towards you. It is not normal workplace behaviour to refuse to work with, talk to or stand next to a work colleague and and it is totally unprofessional to shout, swear and cry at work, particularly if she had previously been a manager herself.