MIL and colleague just cutting me off for having a different opinion.

[Timeforcake9]

What is going on here? On two separate occasions 2 women who I thought were being kind and we got on well completely cut me off.

1. Someone I worked with. They are known in the workplace for being overly helpful and accommodating. They do charity work and pride themselves on being fair etc. One conversation one day with others and I simply didn’t agree with one of the discussions. Nothing major I just had a different perspective, not negating hers but offered mine. That was is, never spoke to me at work for years.

2. My mother in law. We were absolutely fine until my daughter was born (or so I thought). She offered me her thoughts about how I should do things, like who changes the nappy, which milk. I kindly said I had my own thoughts, I’d like to do it this way. Then again I’m being totally ignored. She is another pillar of the community, charity work, most people like her. She can barely acknowledge me anymore. It seems ridiculous, I don’t mind opinions at all and I take up the ideas I like.

I am not really sure how to take insight into these views. I have accepted that we have differing opinions and I don’t see why we can’t have a relationship still. I don’t agree with how my MIL wants me to parent. I didn’t want to leave my baby strapped in a car seat crying to get her used to being alone, and all other options I didn’t like. But still I didn’t dislike her or want her to feel she can’t come and see them. I’d didn’t agree with my colleague but I didn’t hate her or never want to speak again. Perhaps I do something wrong that I don’t know about.

It's not so much about what you've worked but about the opinion you've expressed. You've basically said that you think that those with children should be prioritised over those in her situation (your earlier post stated that you'd said that those with children "lose out more" by working Xmas eve). That kind of attempt to trump other people (particularly when you don't know why someone doesn't have children, or what other responsibilties they have) never goes down well.

Listen don’t listen to some of these people on here straight away they always do this. There is nothing here to suggest you did anything wrong just because there are two people that I’ve done the same thing to yourself doesn’t mean to say that it’s just nothing more than a coincidence.

Oh well then I suppose that’s the consequence of speaking an opinion and why I don’t anymore at work. It’s a place mainly worked at by mums so 90% of the opinions was the same as mine but I’m the one who didn’t get spoke to. If she actually spoke to me I would have said sorry I didn’t mean to be hurtful and I understand my opinion could have been changed but she didn’t want to repair so that was that.

No, sorry, I didn’t mean at all that you are obliged to agree with them, such is life! It just seems really strange that they’ve gone from being otherwise very reasonable and nice to completely taking offence and holding a grudge. Of course, that isn’t to say that they aren’t being just weird, because some people are, but it seems as though the potential is there that perhaps you weren’t as gentle in your opinion as you thought, particularly so in the example of being in a group of others with the same opinion but it’s only you who’s been singled out. It very often isn’t so much about the opinions offered as the way they are expressed. Of course, I don’t know, I wasn’t there, I don’t know you and I don’t know these other women, just my thoughts and I could be way off the mark.

I would guess you have upset them in the way you spoke to them. I fully understand why the colleague doesn’t want to speak to you anymore - it sounds like you’ve really hurt her with what you said. Only you know how you spoke to your MIL but maybe take account of your own part in the situation instead of just wondering why they don’t want to speak to you - you know why, including the exact instance that led to it, so assess your own behaviour.

Ok, perhaps I’ve have not expressed an opinion that they expected of me. I was younger then and if they would have talked to me I would have been open to understanding. I do totally understand and I’m willing to learn but to be blanked is extreme. I do have ADHD and perhaps I don’t always come across outwardly the way I feel internally.

This^
Depending on delivery as well I would think much much less of you and would avoid you as much as possible. I assume your colleague was older so didn’t want to spend precious time on talking to someone who was not very considerate, empathetic and thoughtful.

The second one was probably affected by the delivery as well but it’s more tricky as I suspect MiL was at least a bit wrong too. So she should have cut you some slack in the situation. As she didn’t - it showed that she didn’t get wiser with age as was expected.

Im not perfect but this seems extreme to me. Don’t people usually talk afterwards when they make mistakes? One different comment and that’s that.

If you’re the one singled out, it suggests there might be something in your delivery. It’s often not what we say but how we say it that people take offence to.

Even your title is a bit goady - they haven’t cut you off for “having a different opinion”, they’ve cut you off for being hurtful and/or how you spoke to them.

Not to state the obvious, but you can disagree with people without telling them so.

With the colleague you could easily say, I want X off because I have a child, I see why you want Y off because of your mum - it doesn’t need to be competitive or about who deserves it more.

I don’t think your post seems very genuine. You’re still doubling down that your opinion is “right” - it doesn’t matter if it’s expressed rudely or nastily.

Or it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.

There was absolutely nothing before this. This lady took me under her wing a little because I was in an abusive relationship previous. She really helped me and we were close. Her daughter was having massive anxiety issues and was admitted to hospital due to mental health a lot. The conversation was not aggressive, was very by the by really. If I felt that I was rude I really would have apologised and I tried to talk but they was it. From very full on the cut off. Well we did have a moment a suppose a few weeks before where I was sat with a younger girl having a panic attack and this lady walked in and she did mention something about her faking it and I said that perhaps she didn’t understand how anxiety can look sometimes, she took offence to that. (The young girl has PND, it wasn’t fake)

You sound bitter about having to work so many Christmas Eves and judgemental about these women being "pilars of the community" - you've ratified this several times in your OP. I rather suspect your "kindly" words were anything but whether intentional or not.

As OP has covered the late Christmas Eve shift 6 times out of a possible 7, she suggested that it would be fairer to alternate an early Christmas Even shift and a late Christmas Eve shift each year. That is about parity not about parents being prioritised.

Her colleague obviously took great offence, but I would call it completely unprofessional to stop talking to a colleague and it would not be permitted in many workplaces and could fall into the category of bullying and exclusion.

With your colleague, you've basically said that she is lesser because she doesn't have children. Maybe your MIL thinks you are calling her a shit mum. Who knows! Either way, no one is obligated to speak to you, no matter how 'kindly' you disagree with them.

Could you explain more as to why you think it’s an issue with the OP?

We haven’t heard your discussion with your colleague but maybe she had ADHD herself, felt very strongly about the subject, was pissed off with you for other little things, was jealous because you were younger/ prettier etc, didn’t cut other colleagues because she needed them but you were an easy target. So lots of options.
However your opinion was wrong and showed at lest immaturity (more like stupidity tbh) .
What about people who have adult disabled children or elderly parents or see relatives very rare due to long distance ? Don’t they deserve to have a nice Christmas with loved ones?
Of course you can have these views and express them but I don’t share these views myself and don’t want inconsiderate immature people in my life so my relationship with you will be very very limited, none if I can choose.
Sorry for putting it so plainly but it’s how I see this.

We should be able to disagree and not be cut off. No I didn’t say she was lesser, she has taken that out of the conversation.

In your opinion you should be able to disagree and not be cut off, but this colleague and MIL have a different opinion on that clearly.

It's up to your colleague what she takes away from a conversation - if she feels like you implying she was lesser for not have children, she is entitled to feel that way. You can't control how people act, you can only control how you respond really.

Honestly, if people were all stopping to talk to colleagues ‘because they’ve been hurt’ on something as simple as discussing organisation around Christmas, then no one would be talking to anyone ever.

Colleagues are not friends. If you think someone has bonkers ideas, you step back and keep civil. You don’t go out of your way to stop talking to them. It’s not as if the OP had insulted them or attacked them/was personal.

We all deserve a nice Xmas, that was the discussion. I’ve worked and others all the lates, it should be staggered. The discussion started because someone started to complain that they were working late again. We all piped in. I said I’m working late and have done for 6 out of the 7 years. Everyone pipes in why they didn’t want to work late so I had my turn just like the rest and said I have 2 young kids and I’d like to see them in the evening also. Then the lady said straight after me well I don’t have young kids so does that mean I’m not worthy of having an early, I want to be with my mum. This lady always has early so I’m not sure about her argument. The boss needs to make this fair and not just allow certain people to have earlys all the time.

What has your husband said about/to his mother about her attitude?

That’s taking it a bit far no?
If the colleague thought it means childless=lesser than, I’m sorry but that’s on her. Because saying that taking it in turns at Christmas is pretty normal if you have children isn’t ground breaking, nor is it saying that the childless person is ‘lesser than’ as a person.

You were seriously out of order saying that Christmas is all about children. Of course it isn’t. For those with elderly parents, for example, it’s a precious time too.

I’d have been pissed off with you too.