Advice please

[Geordieman]

Hi. First time I have reached out for advice.
im male 50 years old and have been with the same partner my whole life. Married for 25 years and two grown up children.
Anyway about 20 years ago I was contacted by a old family friend (my parents were good friends with her parents) and asked if I could do some electrical work at her house (im a electrician). Even thought I was quite busy with my own house/family, I knew it wouldn’t take me long (less than half a hour) so I agreed to help, a short while passed and I was asked to do a further job, and another and another. I didn’t want to say no but I saw it as an opportunity to introduce my wife to her so my wife came with me. All was well and I even thought they may become friends.
till then next time I was asked to do a small job. My wife was insistent I didn’t do it, even refusing to come with me. I was torn between obligation and not wanting to upset my wife.
I didnt understand or comprehend why my wife didn’t want me to help, so I did a couple of more tasks, even taking our son with me. I did jobs over about six years, not regularly or anything, about 10 jobs over a six year period.
I haven’t been asked to do anything for about 12 years now and the only contact has been a ‘happy birthday’ on Facebook.
my wife believes I was having a affair ! And our marage is falling apart !
at no time did it even cross my mind to be in anyway unfaithful. Nothing I can say will convince my wife nothing was going on. She can’t under why I would do jobs free of charge, yet I’ve helped loads of people for free over the years.
I like to help people if I can. That’s my nature but perhaps I was too eager to please, I don’t know.
All I know is my one and only, is hurt and pussing me away for something she ‘thinks’happened. Any help appreciated.

Any advice ?
the situation at home is worsening. Wife’s physical and mental health is deteriorating. I’m her full time carer and she’s now refusing treatment/medication and not wanting to engage with doctors/consultants

You need to clarify for me why something that happened over 10 years ago is now coming up as a crisis in your marriage.

Did your wife not know you did those jobs?
Did she just find out?
Has she always known but is not reacting differently to it?
How old are you both?
What are the mental health issues your wife is struggling with?

If her reaction to this is new and out of character, I'd suggest something big is going on. I don't know if it's a paranoid psychosis, early onset dementia, or even a brain tumour. She needs to be examined by a neurologist!

Thanks. She’s currently on high dose of steroids. She’s always know about the favours I did. We recently lost a pregnancy (misscarrage)

im 50. She’s 48 and been together since we were kids (17 &15)

Signs like couple therapy would be helpful.

Sounds like she's feeling very vulnerable, so though you deny an affair ever happened it just isn't proof enough.

With therapy and mutual support you may both be able to get to a point where she feels less vulnerable and is able to be more objective.

A neutral third party may be able to help her work out if she can accept there cannot be proof of 'no affair' or whether this is a show stopper... Which would be a great shame if no betrayal has actually happened.

It is very important not to stop steroids suddenly but high doses of steroids can cause psychosis and personality changes in some people.

If her belief that you have been unfaithful is recent and happend since staring steroids, it could be worth flagging this to whoever is prescribing them. Again, v important not to stop suddenly if she has been on high dose/ repeated course / long term (week or more) treatment with steroids.

Over the last 3+ years I’ve contacted the mental heath services several times and have approached her gp. She refused to engage with them. Says they are nothing more than ‘paid moneys’ and that she knows why she feels the way she does. Everything is my fault.
it was fine when I was helping her female friend move home, or fixing her car etc but it’s not ok when I help someone who has been a family friend my entire life !
No betrayal occurred. Never even crossed my mind.
I don’t know why this has come to be such a huge issue now, other than on a recent holiday we met a couple whole we spent best part of a week with, then when the transfer coach arrived I helped the woman carry the cases from reception to the roadside (any decent man would have done the same). I then accepted a hug goodbye from the woman and even gave her husband a hug. Normal stuff !! But apparently now both my hands were on her backside ! Ludicrous, but that’s what I’m arguing with.
our daughter has told me to leave her as she has witnessed this abuse first hand but it’s not what I want. 33 years invested in this relationship, overcoming everything life has thrown at us together. She has pushed any friends I had away, finding a reason to criticise them. I give my job up to be her full time carer and raise our kids, so have no career or work colleagues. I’m a prisoner in my own home. And when we need food/shopping she tracks my every move. Even being polite to a checkout operator is interpreted as bing flirting !
sorry to rant, just need to get it off my chest.
I’m currently sitting in my car after being told she doesn’t love me, want me or need me.
no extended family support as she’s alienated them all over the years.
Dont even watch the tv as in her option it’s nothing but filth. Even last Saturday she switched the tv off whilst watching Independence Day (will smith, 12 rated) as it was pornographic !
Honestly don’t know how much more I can take.

she is on a tapering dose following a recent hospital admission.
i understand the importance of tapering down gradually. I have been her carer her whole adult life, but how can you care for someone who doesn’t want to be cared for !
The steroids aren’t helping her mood for sure, the last time she was on them, she fractured my eye socket I’ve left before that car re occur, but now I feel guilty as I know how much practical car she needs.

Google narcissistic personality disorder and then decide whether to leave or not

I’m the narcissist.
encouraged her to learn to drive, encouraged her to go out with friends, encouraged her to have hobbies, encouraged her to go on holiday with friends

Whilst putting her needs and that of the kids before my own. I’ve not been out without her in 29 years, I’m not allowed hobbies or friends. she controls the finances and monitors every penny I spend.
I tolerate it though, as she’s my world.
she wasn’t always like this. We had a ‘normal’ relationship.

No betrayal happened.
I have suggested couple therapy/relationship therapy or even she just talks to a friend. She refused time and time again.
when our kids (30 &31 year old) try to help I get accused of triangulating our problems and that I’m not right in the head.

Couple therapy is not safe where there is abuse and she is abusing you. She broke your eye socket? Controlling finances, where you go etc is all abusive behaviour. The only way to stop abuse is to leave the abuser. You won't get any good advice that tells you different. I know it feels unthinkable after 33 years and you worry about her but you don't deserve to be abused and you aren't obliged to stay with her and put up with it.

Is she taking her HRT?

I also think she’s abusing you @Geordieman
MN tends to place women in the role of victim so we look for other reasons - steroid psychosis, hormonal issues etc. - but women can be domestic abusers as well.
Can you imagine being late 70s and living with this woman, maybe throwing ill health into the equation? She might be the more well one - what would your life be like then?
Please look after yourself and consider leaving.

I tried to leave last night, she removed the key from the door and started punching me. I calmed the situation then after been told to F off she threw the key at me, so I left. Been in the car all night. She is ill, physically and mentally. I love her dearly but accept this can’t go on. Our son went to visit her/check on her and can’t understand why she is behaving the way she is. She needs help to cope with her emotions.

Yes I’ve always imagined being with her my entire life. This is why I don’t want to accept it. I know what’s best for me, I’m just so used to putting others first

No but I believe she is menopausal

If your children are even telling you to go, it is time.. Think of the distress they’re suffering seeing you like this. If she is hitting you now, it’s escalating.
Sometimes we have to abandon the “happy ever after” dream.
Can you consider doing the Freedom Programme?

The physical stuff has been happening for a few years. I’m not a quitter so will never give up but it can’t go on like this.
im not perfect. I’ve reacted badly, shouting and swearing.

I understand but I could have been a better husband. Done more for her, been more for her. Hard when it’s been one illness after another (thyroid, Lyme, spinal cysts, crohns) along with ptsd.

OP I'm so very sorry that you are going through this and have been for a long time.

Please look up Menkind and Men's Adviceline, you desperately need support. The situation you are in won't improve, this isn't something recent and as a pp said couples therapy is not advised when one partner is an abuser

For your own health and wellbeing you need to get away from this situation. It won't be easy but it will save your life. Right now you haven't got one and that is a terrible thing to inflict on someone in itself let alone the physical and emotional abuse you are suffering.

All people who are abused says they could have been a better partner. Where is her responsibility? Plenty of people are ill, menopausal, have other problems but don't do this.

It is not, and never will be your fault.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to me.
Ive made my wife sound like a monster, she’s not. She’s the most beautiful wonderful person in the world. She has done so much for me. Far too good for the likes of me. She loves and hurts so deeply. If I hadn’t hurt her, she’d still love me.
to top everything off, my mother needs a operation to remove a tumour.
sick of my life is a understatement

People can be lovely and loving and still do bad things to their partners and family.

People are complicated and you've put up with this for a long time. You are isolated, hit, accused of an affair you didn't have. That's physical and emotional abuse it doesn't matter what you did, it does not deserve that reaction.

Even if you feel it's not so bad do please contact Mens Adviceline or Menkind because having to sleep in you car especially in winter is not safe or good for your health.

It's easy for us to tell you to leave it's quite another to do it. Truth be told you cannot live like this, whatever you choose to do you will need support to cope.

Sorry about your mom I hope her op goes well