Advice please

[Geordieman]

Hi. First time I have reached out for advice.
im male 50 years old and have been with the same partner my whole life. Married for 25 years and two grown up children.
Anyway about 20 years ago I was contacted by a old family friend (my parents were good friends with her parents) and asked if I could do some electrical work at her house (im a electrician). Even thought I was quite busy with my own house/family, I knew it wouldn’t take me long (less than half a hour) so I agreed to help, a short while passed and I was asked to do a further job, and another and another. I didn’t want to say no but I saw it as an opportunity to introduce my wife to her so my wife came with me. All was well and I even thought they may become friends.
till then next time I was asked to do a small job. My wife was insistent I didn’t do it, even refusing to come with me. I was torn between obligation and not wanting to upset my wife.
I didnt understand or comprehend why my wife didn’t want me to help, so I did a couple of more tasks, even taking our son with me. I did jobs over about six years, not regularly or anything, about 10 jobs over a six year period.
I haven’t been asked to do anything for about 12 years now and the only contact has been a ‘happy birthday’ on Facebook.
my wife believes I was having a affair ! And our marage is falling apart !
at no time did it even cross my mind to be in anyway unfaithful. Nothing I can say will convince my wife nothing was going on. She can’t under why I would do jobs free of charge, yet I’ve helped loads of people for free over the years.
I like to help people if I can. That’s my nature but perhaps I was too eager to please, I don’t know.
All I know is my one and only, is hurt and pussing me away for something she ‘thinks’happened. Any help appreciated.

I don’t think I’m a people pleaser, but I do help people when I can,
e.g whilst in a supermarket, a small old lady couldn’t reach something from the top shelf so I offered to get it for her.
I administered first aid to a man who had been run over
i trying to to treat others how they treat me, so if someone does something nice for me, I would look for a opportunity to do something nice in return. Is that a people pleaser ? Or a just a decent person ?
I don’t try to help everyone, only those who have helped me.
I mean if someone does something that takes a week of there time,saves me £thousands then yes I did feel indebted to them and was keen to repay that help. I repaid that by doing a few small electrical jobs for his daughter. Didn’t feel like I could refuse when he asked, truthfully, I didn’t want to refuse, I saw it as an opportunity to express my gratitude for the help I received .

Honestly if you dont leave another 5 and a half years will wizz by, why do that to yourself.

Surely a life alone is better than this abuse.

She is punching you, call the police have her arrested and removed from the home, she is not your problem anymore, she doesn't love you she abuses you, she is not the woman you fell in love with.

Then sell the home and find somewhere safe for you and somewhere your children can visit, away from her.

Sounds like things a decent person would do.

I wish you well Op and I hope you get to a place of peace. Her behaviour is abusive.

Staying with either of my children (F32 M31) is not practical and I don’t want to put them in an awkward position where it may seem they are helping me. The council were little to no help, that just led to a welfare check by the police and social services where the police wanted to prosecute her.
everything I have is shared ownership, house, car etc etc.
I do not want or expect to gain more, but sharing things fairly is what I tried to discuss this evening, and that only led to another bruised eye.
I’ve tried to arrange a house valuation but estate agents need both owners consent to have access to value a property let alone market it.
im well and truly trapped. And yet I still hope it won’t come to that.
as for my fears of separation.- get a job. Have friends. Watch tv, have some money of my own. Participate in hobbies. Maybe even start a business.
not exactly fears, yet I still feel I’d rather sacrifice them to have her love.
How deluded am I ?

I am sorry op but she’s not a good person, she’s abusive. I am sorry your relationship and future are not what you thought they would be.

Have you explored a non molestation order? If you get her out the house and she refuses to sell the house you could ask the court to force the sale. This means she can’t be there to put off potential buyers. Alternatively you go back to work and you remortgage and buy her out.

You can forcé a sale while she lives in the house but she will likely put buyers off and refuse viewings. If you can get her out it will be easier

Easier said than done when she has the same rights as myself.
Ive come to realise I’ve given far too much much of myself to her. Every plan for the future involves her, I’ve given up any friendships I had, am alienating my side of the family and am now living in a total loveless marriage that is constant criticism and arguing.
She is saying undertaking a polygraph test is the only way to fix this, is refusing mental health help and now refusing to leave the house (except to see her consultant).
I am trapped in a prison without bars, isolated and financially tied to her.
Can’t even watch the tv. Recently the tv got turned of when Jamie Oliver was on due to what she described as obscene content !!!!
At least she hasn’t attacked me for a while

So here i am, trying to save every penny, eating as cheaply as possible, not wasting a penny only to find out shes spent £1300+ on a mobile phone game.
i must be to stupidness, most gullible idiot alive !

No, you are someone crushed in an abusive marriage.

We all know it’s scary, but you must make plans to leave her. And you must execute them. Please can you start to tell family what is happening to you, so that they can support you.

you have much more agency here than you think you have. If you are working you can actually open a new bank account and have salary paid there.

We know you are afraid, but you are in the fifth year of working up the courage to escape.
We know too well the ever decreasing circles of “do a lie detector “/here is the next hoop. You cannot negotiate (with terrorists) with this woman, the way out of this mess is to walk away. You have permission to end the relationship even if she is angry.
How can we help you?

If you start the process for divorce you will eventually be able to force the sale of the house.

You are still so like one of Pavlov’s dogs trying to please her, she has no capacity for happiness and vampires off you.
If you do not leave you will be there under the crushing weight of her abuse, until you are dead.
Yes it is scary- but you can do it.