Advice please

[Geordieman]

Hi. First time I have reached out for advice.
im male 50 years old and have been with the same partner my whole life. Married for 25 years and two grown up children.
Anyway about 20 years ago I was contacted by a old family friend (my parents were good friends with her parents) and asked if I could do some electrical work at her house (im a electrician). Even thought I was quite busy with my own house/family, I knew it wouldn’t take me long (less than half a hour) so I agreed to help, a short while passed and I was asked to do a further job, and another and another. I didn’t want to say no but I saw it as an opportunity to introduce my wife to her so my wife came with me. All was well and I even thought they may become friends.
till then next time I was asked to do a small job. My wife was insistent I didn’t do it, even refusing to come with me. I was torn between obligation and not wanting to upset my wife.
I didnt understand or comprehend why my wife didn’t want me to help, so I did a couple of more tasks, even taking our son with me. I did jobs over about six years, not regularly or anything, about 10 jobs over a six year period.
I haven’t been asked to do anything for about 12 years now and the only contact has been a ‘happy birthday’ on Facebook.
my wife believes I was having a affair ! And our marage is falling apart !
at no time did it even cross my mind to be in anyway unfaithful. Nothing I can say will convince my wife nothing was going on. She can’t under why I would do jobs free of charge, yet I’ve helped loads of people for free over the years.
I like to help people if I can. That’s my nature but perhaps I was too eager to please, I don’t know.
All I know is my one and only, is hurt and pussing me away for something she ‘thinks’happened. Any help appreciated.

What I find really sad is that you can’t break from the “I’m lucky to have her, she’s my everything” story at all. It runs through every post you write - you sound like you’re in a cult repeating a brainwashing mantra.

You’re not lucky to have her, OP. She sounds horrendous. In fact, i would say you’re very unlucky that this person is your wife.

I’m scared for you. She’s happy to attack your face, your head and your eyes and could one day deal a fatal blow. She could certainly do irreparable damage if she hasn’t done so already.

It actually doesn’t matter why she’s so vilely abusive. It may be a mental health issue/personality disorder. But so what? She’s a dangerous person for you to be around.

Do you want your DCs to lose their father? If you think about it, it’s actually very bad for your wife if she is allowed to continue to behave this way. Every vile act of damage she inflicts on you is also damaging to her. It’s very damaging to your DCs to have one parent battering another. If nothing else, you need to de-normalise this for your DCs by separating from your wife.

If you can’t bear to leave her entirely, is there room in your home for you to live separate lives in it and keep yourself safe? It is possible (though not easy) to obtain zonal non-molestation orders which regulate use of a shared house if the house is big enough. But overall, i think you need to get right away. Could you stay with either of your DCs for a bit at least?

I’ve just changed my user name for this post.
Please leave and put yourself in a place of safety.
Our DS is just recovering from a similar situation, fortunately we have been there to support him. He's a strong logical thinker, but it nearly broke him.
I wish you luck and I hope you have a close friend or family member who can support you.

Your latest update OP signals you probably believe she is out of your league and how lucky you are to have her and must do everything to keep her.

This is all wrong. Maybe you've been conditioned over the years to think like this, maybe it's something you always felt but it's possibly really ingrained in your brain now.
Don't be afraid of loosing her. She has eroded your confidence and freedom. Freedom to move and freedom to think. She has destroyed your mental and emotional wellbeing.
In a normal relationship you are both equal, regardless of how your looks change over time or what was the baseline when you started. You complete each other, not compete with each other. Honestly after decades of marriage physical details should not be a worry. As long as you both did your best healthwise and hygiene wise, you grow together and physically change but you accept each other and actively enjoy each other's company regardless of physical changes. It's normal life.

"Recenly lost pregnancy"
Why are you both not using contraception if you are in your 50s ?

Suggest do the freedom programme

Can you stay with your adult children for a while if they live somewhereelse ?

This is just such a sad post to read. Your wife has driven you away from your family and friends, your hobbies and your job, your independence and your happiness, and is now driving you away from your kids.

Is she - the person who punches you, calls you a cunt, makes you live in fear, has taken everything away from you - really worth all that?

Have you told anyone in real life, aside from your kids? I think you should.

All your efforts, the abuse you have accepted, have changed nothing. You cannot fix this.
Perhaps professional help would help, I don't know. But you staying means she will not get professional help & maybe there's a possibility that if you're not around, she will end up in a position where she cannot refuse such assistance.

I think you badly need therapy for yourself, at the least you need to examine why you are accepting this completely unacceptable abuse.

You also need to call the police, ideally before the next time she hits you. Do you realise she could actually kill you?

It’s not your job to fix her. If she doesn’t see what she is doing is a problem and won’t accept help from professionals, then that is her choice. You however don’t have to stay with her and keep taking the abuse. You are not helping her by staying as the abuse just repeats. She isn’t getting better.

By leaving you will save not only yourself (which will take time for you to heal from the trauma of the abuse) but also enable you to build the relationships with your children and your parents.

Again, as it’s worth repeating, it’s not your job to fix her.

Take legal advise

Apply for divorce

Save yourself & your future

Sorry but you don't love your wife. You love the fantasy of who you think she is. And she doesn't love you. You're wasting your life on a nightmare mirage of what you think love is.

What advice could anyone ever give you other than to leave her?

You keep on saying how bad she is, yet you're still there, being abused.

Only you can change things. Either you stay (and continue as you are) or leave.

I know it's not easy but nothing will change unless you do, as she clearly isn't going to.

Your wife is totally unreasonable , in fact she sounds like an absolute nightmare and i do not know for the life of me how you have tolerated her outrageous behaviour for so long.
You are being abused and i'm not sure that you know that, you repeatedly make excuses for her behaviour when there really is no excuse .
You are a prisoner in your own life as she 'micromanages' your every move it seems.
You do know that you can stop this don't you ? and if you were doing this to her every response would be about how abusive you are.
If your wife were 'the most wonderful person in the world' then i can assure you she wouldn't even contemplate treating you in this disgusting way - she sounds like a monster to me.
You say she has alienated friends and family and even her own daughter tells you to leave.
You have one chance only at this life and you should seize it and live it up big time, not drown in the misery your wife chooses to wallow in whilst dragging you down with her , i actually wonder if she quite enjoys her invalid status.
Please read back what you have told us and make a plan to end this nonsense sooner rather than later.
Good luck.

Apparently if I agree to be hypnotised and confirm no affair occurred and that I’ve never lied to her about anything then she will change her attitude towards me, starting with getting mental health help.
I’ve agreed to this as No betrayal whatsoever occurred so why Not ?
ive contacted a registered hypnotist who told me it doesn’t work that way and that I’m waisting my time/money.
She has insomnia really bad atm. Awake for 48hrs then asleep for 12, she recently started HRT (patches) but it doesn’t seem to be helping-yet.
last night I was sent to buy milk, saw a male neighbour who is selling his house, I asked how the sale was going and wished him luck in his new home, we spoke for perhaps 10 mins. Upon return I was interrogated as to why I had taken so long. Was told that if his wife was present ‘we are done’
he was alone but even if his wife was present, what did I do wrong ? Can’t even speak to a male neighbour without it tuning into an all night row.

You didn't do anything wrong. You're in an abusive relationship, none of it is your fault.

She doesn't love you. Love doesn't look like that, ever. Love has trust, mutual respect for autonomy, compassion, boundaries, and NEVER any violence.

Imagine how it must hurt your children to see you being treated like that. What would you tell them to do if you found out their partners were doing these very things?

If you really do love her and want to help, you need to remove yourself. She won't learn accountability while you're still there indulging every unreasonable demand. She is only able to be a monster because you won't remove yourself.

All the best, OP.

You quite clearly are not going to leave so I'm not sure anyone on here can tell you anything different than the messages of support you have already received.
You must look at what you are getting out of the relationship, clearly you are getting things out of the marriage that make you stay despite your wife's abuse.
If you got counselling you would see you are actually in a condependent abusive relationship.
You allow her to abuse you but you also have not put in any consequences for her abuse so in fact have condoned it and allowed it to become the normal dynamic. You do have agency in allowing this to continue.

Your children in their thirties will know this and have probably come to the conclusion you both get something out of your marriage for it to carry on, dysfunctional as it is.

You are not helpless though, you have marital assets, you can divorce and start again free from the abuse, you have two adult children you can lean on for support, you can contact a men's abuse aid charity for support.
It is doable but you have to dig deep and ask yourself some honest questions.

update-
although I knew it was wrong, I agreed to be hypnotised and answer her questions. I did this and my answers were reassuring to her that no betrayal took place. She still doesn’t believe me, has now refused to see a marriage councillor despite it being her idea in the first place.
every request she suggests, I obey and it’s still not enough.
her mood changes as quick as a switch.
just before Christmas, I did leave and contacted the council for help with accommodation. Next thing I know the police wanted me to attend a police station where adult social services carried out a welfare check on me. They confirmed I was being abused and the police wanted to prosecute her.
then click, she was full of apologies and wanted me home, saying she would get help and making excuses.
so I returned and we had a ‘normal’ Christmas.
since then things have declined. Her paranoia is getting bad again. She tells me I can’t even speak to another woman, doesn’t even want me collecting my medication from the chemist as it’s female staff, can’t even go shopping without being accused of looking at women ! Being told it’s over if I even say hello to any female neighbours. !
her side of the family still don’t bother with her and our two (32 &31) kids do there best to avoid us. I’m so isolated and when I’ve asked what she wants for the future I’m told to leave if I want to. Ok I thought so we talked about selling our home, she refused to allow an estate agent to visit to give a valuation. And said she would make if as difficult as possible to sell this house (is already given 3 of the 4 bedrooms are full, floor to ceiling of her clothes and other belongings) and I mean full, literally can’t get in the rooms as there is that many clothes-hardly presentable for marketing.
I just don’t know what to do ? It now feels like she just wants me here so that she can continue to give me abuse and when things get heated her response is for me to just leave. It’s my home as well, and she has promised to make it as difficult as possible to sell and will draw it out as long as possible.
sick is a understatement, I’ve dedicated my whole life to her and feel like im in a prison without bars.
she monitors every pound, gets whatever she wants but i have to justify even having £20 in my wallet.
I know this has to stop. She refuses to seek help and whatever sacrifice I make to please her is never enough.
I have tools and a motorcycle that I can’t accommodate elsewhere, the sensible thing to do imo is to sell our house, divide the proceeds and separate but she won’t let me do that. I Can’t go on like this.

No, indeed you cannot go on like this. Your situation will make you ill, if it hasn't already.

Im a survivor of domestic abuse myself. Terrible outbursts, physical assaults and numerous abandonments followed by weeks of being ignored.

It nearly broke me.

Yet nothing, and I mean NOTHING is as bad as what I've been reading here. What are you going to do, OP?

You need to re-frame your wifes issues, she's not a woman struggling with her mental health, she's a nasty, abusive, POS.

You'll never please her op, you can't please abusers, it's not about whether you had this affair all these years ago, it's about the lengths you will go to and the hoops you will jump through to try and prove the impossible. It's about power, she's absolutely despicable.

Just leave OP, find a way out and leave her to her miserable self

Agreed, OP. Things cannot go like this. Your wife is destroying you. If you stay, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if she actually killed you. She has already done terrible harm. Remember, it’s actually very bad for your wife to continue like this also. In this scenario, I’m only concerned about you but ultimately you will be doing your wife a favour to end it also.

As regards where you live - just take it in small steps for now. You could potentially force a sale of the house in due course if it comes to that, but that’s for another time. Could you live with one if your adult children for a while. If necessary, get some storage for your tools and motorcycle.

You need to get out. Right now. You're an electrician. You could walk out of your house on Monday and rent a room in a houseshare or rent a studio and start working. You can reclaim your life with a click of the fingers in under 24 hours.

You are being physically and emotionally abused.

You're smitten with this woman? She sounds like a monster. She also sounds thick and lazy. What's so great about her?

Are you really smitten? Or are you just afraid of the unknown?

You've been with her 25 years and shes the only woman you've known...So what? You're still young. Start again. Its time you gave yourself a bit of a shake now and started taking care of yourself.

Go and stay with one of your adult kids, change your number so she cant contact you and take it from there

We met in 1991 so it’s closer 35 years.
yes I was immature and quite possessive in the first couple of years but given I was only 17 years old.
yes I am smitten. Always have been that’s why there never been anyone else, she is the most amazing beautiful caring woman in the world. - when she chooses to be. Her moods change quicker than a light switch. I’ve jumped through every hoop she has set. It’s still not enough. I forgave her for having sex with numerous men in the early stages of our relationship (yes the kids were a consideration but not the only reason )yet she can’t forgive me for doing electrical jobs to return a favour to a family friend. For me there has never been anyone else yet I’m in a prison without bars, every aspect of my life being controlled.
Trying to discuss the future she only just picked my phone up and bashed it of my head.
ive honestly had enough.

Shes not caring. Why would you think that? Because every now and then she smiles at you and strokes your face?
There are so many kind and caring people out there. To be honest ive found that ive met more kind and caring people in this life than I have mean and nasty people. Caring is the norm, not some special quality you need to cling onto in case you never find it again.

Please get out, OP. Before she kills you. She’s not amazing and caring. You’re in a horrible cycle of abuse which means that periods where she’s not actively abusing you feel much better than they truly should. There are huge numbers of amazing, caring women out there who would treat you well all the time without intervening periods of vile abuse. As the previous poster said, treating people well is the norm. Your wife’s vicious abusiveness is abnormal.

I’m going to say it again. She is destroying you and I really think she will kill you. She is also destroying herself with this horrific behaviour. I don’t care about her but the reality is that you will be doing the best thing for both of you if you remove yourself. Your children don’t need their mother in prison for the murder of their father. Your children need you alive and safe. Please take yourself to safety.

She isn’t caring at all. She is an evil disgusting abuser.

You are trapped in the cycle of abuse, and if you could bring the 18 year old version of you out for a pint you would tell him to do whatever it takes to get away from her- including emigrating if necessary.
The nice version you occasionally is her throwing breadcrumbs so you will stay.

The unfortunate reality is that yes, you have wasted 35 years on an atrocious person, but she will be relishing the next 35 years. I “only” gave 30 years to my abuser, but my 50th birthday, knowing that me getting older and frailer would not stop him was such a wake up call. I knew that 80year old me would be so so disappointed to still be there.

Do not fool yourself that she likes you- she despises you and things you deserve the abuse you receive.
You can’t save the relationship- you can only save yourself. You must escape from her.