Advice please

[Geordieman]

Hi. First time I have reached out for advice.
im male 50 years old and have been with the same partner my whole life. Married for 25 years and two grown up children.
Anyway about 20 years ago I was contacted by a old family friend (my parents were good friends with her parents) and asked if I could do some electrical work at her house (im a electrician). Even thought I was quite busy with my own house/family, I knew it wouldn’t take me long (less than half a hour) so I agreed to help, a short while passed and I was asked to do a further job, and another and another. I didn’t want to say no but I saw it as an opportunity to introduce my wife to her so my wife came with me. All was well and I even thought they may become friends.
till then next time I was asked to do a small job. My wife was insistent I didn’t do it, even refusing to come with me. I was torn between obligation and not wanting to upset my wife.
I didnt understand or comprehend why my wife didn’t want me to help, so I did a couple of more tasks, even taking our son with me. I did jobs over about six years, not regularly or anything, about 10 jobs over a six year period.
I haven’t been asked to do anything for about 12 years now and the only contact has been a ‘happy birthday’ on Facebook.
my wife believes I was having a affair ! And our marage is falling apart !
at no time did it even cross my mind to be in anyway unfaithful. Nothing I can say will convince my wife nothing was going on. She can’t under why I would do jobs free of charge, yet I’ve helped loads of people for free over the years.
I like to help people if I can. That’s my nature but perhaps I was too eager to please, I don’t know.
All I know is my one and only, is hurt and pussing me away for something she ‘thinks’happened. Any help appreciated.

Started making plans,putting ducks in order so the speak.
approached estate agents for valuation and was told I can’t sell or even market the house without her consent. She went mad because it was a female agent whine I spoke to. I’ve
spoke to a solicitor and have been told a court order is the only was forward unless she consents. This is a time consuming and costly process so will be discussing things with her when she’s discharged from hospital.
doesn’t seem right to be putting this onto her atm (given her health)
she’s still adamant on me undertaking a polygraph test, a demand I’ve refused as although I’ve nothing to hide, it won’t convince her anyway and the goalposts will just be moved again.
I’ve taken the opportunity to move my clothes and medication so that I can ‘escape’ at a moments notice.
i even had to leave the hospital whilst visiting as she started shouting and swearing about the polygraph. Kept away for a couple of days till she pleaded with me to take things in for her. It’s the ‘pull’ stage at the moment because she needs me, won’t last long though. I’m beginning to recognise the patterns of behaviour and the emotional control used against me.
I also realise that unless she takes accountability and does major work on herself, I HAVE to leave her ! Not because I want to but because I HAVE to!
I think this is inevitable, so the ducks are nearly in order.
I just wanted to give an update for anyone who’s interested.

I would save yourself time and bother and apply for a court order now.

She wont give her consent.

Tough shit if she's in hospital. Dont feel sorry for her.

Op have you read other threads on here written by those leaving abusive relationships? That would be my advice. I found it incredibly helpful and inspiring when I was in that situation a few years ago.

she may up the anti and things may get worse as you try to leave . Take strength from all those who have been before you .

good luck. You have peace ahead of you if you make sensible choices and leave. If you stay you will just have more of the same. Forever.

Wife has been discharged from hospital.
Ive tried to discuss arrangement's in an amicable way to no avail.
As her strength is returning so is her attitude.
eg, doesn't want me watching the world cup football as shes read there may be ‘streakers’

What about you?
Why do you think you have accepted this for so long?
What makes her needs more important than yours?
What do you think your children have learned from your relationship?

As someone who has had years of therapy due to my dysfunctional "parents", and having studied a lot about abusive relationships - narcissism in particular, I think you might consider that this is a path that would help you, but you would need to allow considerable time and be prepared to find a therapist that you gel with.

Your life is horrific. Please realise you matter as a human being and do something to help yourself.

So after shes finished a 8 week tapering dose of steroids the physical violence has returned.
everything is my fault,
Im starting to understand the phase “fine line between love and hate’
Being pushed to my limit emotionally 24/7 and used as a punch bag whenever the mood suits her.
I know i need to leave, just dont want to let go of the dream that was ‘US’

I really hope you find a way forward here OP, but I’m afraid you may need to accept it’s without your wife. She’s undoubtedly been controlling you and abusing you for years and years and even your children are telling you enough is enough.

Sorry but I genuinely think she needs to be assessed and sectioned because she isn’t normal. I have 2 of the things she has and also am constantly on steroids. It does change you and give you mood swings and yes paranoia but this started well before then. Your own children are avoiding you because of her and you still want to stay. Your wife isn’t getting better and there will never be an US again. For some reason she’s bitter and angry . You also shouldn’t be trying for more kids In your situation or age because frankly it’s bloody selfish

”trying for another child” that is NOT happening I assure you.
in fact don’t think we’ve even kissed this year!
She has so much resentment towards me because I did electrical favours for a lifetime family friend. She has convinced herself that I had an affair-I didn’t, I was merely repaying a huge favour her father did for us (he replaced the roof on our house).
oh and the fact that I had ‘friends’ on Facebook whom I went to school with, and some of them were women.
Is ok for her to do exactly the same but I’m wrong in doing so. Do as I say not as I do !!
Told I can’t go swimming with our daughter because there will be women there,
She has no trust whatsoever, yet I’ve never even been in a relationship with anyone else my whole life and I’m at her beck and call 24/7
Earlier this evening she said that she despises me, so I said ok, well let’s be sensible and sort out assets (house etc) and if we can be amicable about it, then it would save a fortune in legal bills, it was at this point she attacked me, punching me about the face several times

she hates me, said she has wasted her life with me but then attacks me when I try to be sensible about separation. I just don’t understand where she is coming from.
What more can I give/do for her ?
nothing is ever enough.

you need counselling for yourself to redefine what you understand as love. Your wife doesn’t love you. She despises you and she has been showing you that and telling you with her words and actions from the moment you got married and she started sleeping around until now. Listen to her. She does not want to change, statistically she is almost certainly incapable of it. You need time alone to heal and find yourself again. You don’t deserve this. Good luck

She is still refusing to seek mental health help and my suggestion of marriage counselling is also being ignored.
Five and a half years, it’s been like this. Constant day and night abuse but when I try to point this out, I’m the abuser !!
I know I’m clutching at straws making excuses for her (health/hormones/upbringing etc) and it’s not justifiable.
she’s even blaming me for her auto immune condition's. Like I said ‘everything is my fault’
Even now she’s sleeping like a baby after what’s just happened, yet I’m venting to strangers on the internet.

that all happened during 1994 and 1995,
she has been faithful since then and we’ve been married 26 years now.
I 100% believe she is faithful and has been the whole of our marriage, in some ways I wish she hadn’t, that would be a deal breaker for me and I could escape this hell.

Her unfaithfulness is coming back and biting her on the arse. She is judging you by HER standards. She is a cheat and assumes everyone else is a cheat.

At the beginning of the thread I said to myself ‘I bet she’s cheated’ and sure enough she has.

This appears to all stem from lack of trust - you will never convince her - because she’s a cheat. And I bet there are more times than you know about. She would have visited an old family friend to shag them and she judges you by her standards.

You will never convince her that people can CHOOSE to remain faithful because she has a belief that thinks cheating is sometimes acceptable. And her beliefs are now devouring her.

It’s best to get out. If you pass the lie detector she’ll tell you you cheated and the result is incorrect.

You believe she has been 100% faithful because you are judging her by your standards.

Bet she’s not keen to do a lie detector test.

you need to protect yourself from this right now, and thereby protect your children and to a certain extent your wife. If you don’t she could end up killing you and your children will have the trauma of that for the rest of their lives, and things won’t be great for her either. You need to do the right thing here, get legal advice about leaving safely and get evidence of her abuse. Sending you love and strength.

You can leave at any point for cheating - she cheated pre marriage - she’s a cheat. Her poor choices are now affecting your marriage now as she thinks everyone is looking at the opposite sex etc. Is that because every time she she sees a bloke she checks him out?!

Come to think of it how come she can look at the opposite sex? Chat to men in shops or on the phone? Or does she hang up if a bloke answers? If not why not? What about male medics at the hospital? What about the postman and all her parcels? What is her excuse for it being okay for her to speak to the opposite sex but not you?

She’s a cheat but she acts as if you are.

If you can afford a lie detector you can afford to start the process of forcing a sale. Don’t ask her just plough ahead. She has TOLD you she will make it hard - believe her. Look to get a non molestation order and her removed from the family home. Then force the sale via a court. Get back to work asap and get EMDR counselling to help you heal.

I am sorry this has happened to you but I believe you can create a lovely life going forward. I hope you manage it.

Her insistence on my undertaking a polygraph test has lessened as I’ve categorical said no.Not because I’m hiding anything but because I know They are not 100% accurate and can be manipulated so I know she will interpret the results however she sees fit. About 18 months ago I agreed to answer dozen's and dozens of questions whilst under hypnosis as she said it would ‘make or break’ us, she listened to the session and despite reiterating everything I’ve always said it didn’t change anything.
Even the therapist who was also a relationship councillor said she has mental health issues when presented with her questions and that she wouldn’t believe the answers anyway. He was right !
it’s just so frustrating as I know I’ve never cheated but how can you prove you didn’t do something? Guilty until proven innocent. That’s where trust comes in-or at least it’s meant to.

I agree you can’t prove it. But her belief system and ability to cheat means she will never believe you.

Op seriously get a non mol order and get her removed, a court order - sell the house quickly and split the money via divorce. You are wasting your time as she will never believe you.

her justification is I have a flirty attitude when talking to women.

So What? She’s a cheat. She has a history of shagging other men when they flirt.

Can you see her views are bonkers? She cheated and is judging you by her (poor) standards.

She needs knocking off the pedestal. (Speaking Figuratively).

Unfortunately I think you are right, obviously from tonights behaviour she won’t do it in an amicable way. In fact my mere suggestion of it justified being attacked.

I understand you are struggling with the loss of your future etc. I can probably suggest some books etc to help you- Eckhart Tolle is good - all about focusing on now not the past or future.

Can you list your worries about splitting up (if you are happy to share with us all)

You can escape the hell any time you want. Just walk away.

Are you a people pleaser? Not happy to be seen as a bad guy? Where do you think that comes from?

You are the bad guy if you stay or go. So you may as well divorce and find peace.

Understanding yourself is so important as it will allow you to see what holds you back/keeps you staying in an abusive situation.

And go where ?
They are limited on money , he owns half the house which she is going to make very difficult to sell. To force a sale through court is £££.
He’s says he has belongings with no where to store things. @Geordieman could you move in with one if your daughters? You need to let the police know about all the abuse.