Advice please

[Geordieman]

Hi. First time I have reached out for advice.
im male 50 years old and have been with the same partner my whole life. Married for 25 years and two grown up children.
Anyway about 20 years ago I was contacted by a old family friend (my parents were good friends with her parents) and asked if I could do some electrical work at her house (im a electrician). Even thought I was quite busy with my own house/family, I knew it wouldn’t take me long (less than half a hour) so I agreed to help, a short while passed and I was asked to do a further job, and another and another. I didn’t want to say no but I saw it as an opportunity to introduce my wife to her so my wife came with me. All was well and I even thought they may become friends.
till then next time I was asked to do a small job. My wife was insistent I didn’t do it, even refusing to come with me. I was torn between obligation and not wanting to upset my wife.
I didnt understand or comprehend why my wife didn’t want me to help, so I did a couple of more tasks, even taking our son with me. I did jobs over about six years, not regularly or anything, about 10 jobs over a six year period.
I haven’t been asked to do anything for about 12 years now and the only contact has been a ‘happy birthday’ on Facebook.
my wife believes I was having a affair ! And our marage is falling apart !
at no time did it even cross my mind to be in anyway unfaithful. Nothing I can say will convince my wife nothing was going on. She can’t under why I would do jobs free of charge, yet I’ve helped loads of people for free over the years.
I like to help people if I can. That’s my nature but perhaps I was too eager to please, I don’t know.
All I know is my one and only, is hurt and pussing me away for something she ‘thinks’happened. Any help appreciated.

I think it's time to look after yourself and knock this woman off the pedestal you have placed her on.She may have been lovely years ago but she's changed and it's changed you too,no matter what you do to become the better man for her ,it won't be enough.She needs help, but she needs to choose to take that help herself,stop enabling her to continue this way.
Pack a bag ,get in your car and leave,can one of your children give you help with accomodation. If you stay in this horrible situation things could turn nastier if she thinks she's losing control of you.

Our kids are trying to remain impartial, and I get accused of triangulating things if I speak to them anyway.
they both agree she needs mental health help, she even promised them a couple of years ago she would seek it-but then didn’t. Despite my encouragement this hasn’t and won’t happen.

Your children are probably remaining impartial because they love you both,they however will see the grief she is causing you and no doubt her behaviour has affected them also.
You are only 50 ,there's still time to start afresh,get back to work,see people ,make new friends and live the life you deserve,there doesn't seem to be much to look forward to in this relationship other than misery, she's an energy vampire and a whole lot of other names I don't want to say. Coercive control is a terrible thing,get out and get help.

What your have described is emotional, physical and financial abuse, plain and simple. Females can be abusers too. Please reach out to charities supporting male victims of domestic abuse. You are not alone

Now I'm on a different device here are the links.

It can be hard for men and women to hear they are being abused by people they love and it can take a lot of time for it to sink in. You don;t have to do anything immediately but please don't spend another night in the car if at all possible. If you have to then do please go to Citizens Advice to see if there is any local initiatives or even a spike to help in the short term

Whatever you choose to do, please do it with support, theres some good and supportive advice here too.

https://mankind.org.uk/

https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

I think while your wife won’t engage with therapy then you should, alone. I really think it will help.
We can all guess at what has caused your wife to behave as she does but we don’t know her so we are all just guessing.

Certain personality types are expert at portraying themselves as victims when in fact the other person is the victim. They also don't want to engage in counselling because this quickly becomes obvious to a 3rd party. If your walking on eggshells than just leave. She'll be fine in any case.

Munchausens?

Update- the council have arranged a place in a hostel for me and I’ve spoken to a councillor. At home at the moment as I had to take my wife to hospital for an infusion.
Been talking loads and it’s almost as though she’s convinced herself that her suspicions are indeed true !
I do all the cooking, cleaning, diy, etc etc don’t know how she’s going to manage when I’m not here. She has started talking to our son, giving him her version of events. This is going to break this family - and all for nothing !
Im so frustrated as there’s nothing more I can do except look after myself. Not looking forward to Christmas in a hostel.

So sorry OP, this is one of the worst times of the year for relationship breakdowns.

I hope that you are OK and while I doubt Christmas was wonderful in a hostel I hope you are at least safe and well.

Would you say this if she was a man who was beating you? What's the difference if she's strong enough to fracture your eye socket!

YOU need help about your emotions. You're staying with someone that might well kill you. Out of what, sympathy? Blind loyalty?

You need therapy to get better. Not her. She's just your run of the mill narcissistic abuser.
Now yes, she might also be ill. But so what? It doesn't justify her abuse.

Get out. If I were you I'd also report her to the police for the assaults and for not letting you leave. Maybe in jail she'll get the help she needs. There's nothing you can do. You aren't her doctor or her therapist.

Glad you are out, but seriously, report her to the police. If you get her arrested you can maybe go back to the kids? They don't deserve to be stuck with her.

Tell the kids it's the best thing for her as she fractured your eye socket and it might be them next. That she needs to receive punishment for her actions but that she may also get the help she really need in jail too.

I didn’t leave. Things settled down slightly. Her mood is one extreme to the other. We can do normal things one minute then the verbal abuse and violent outbursts occur.
the threatens me with divorce. Saying she is going to fk other people and that we aren’t married now. yet she refuses to leave or actually do anything definitive.
for three days constantly screaming at me because I had our kids friends on Facebook. (Male and female). Who I later removed when our kids stopped having them as friends.
her paranoia is so bad I’m unable to even buy milk from the local shop without getting accused of something.
I’ve been told it’s over, if I even look or speak to another woman. Even checking the receipts to make sure the supermarket checkout operator is a man ! (I’ve been told not to let a woman serve me). I’m not allowed social media of any description and that I’m a lying, cheating ct !
im 51 years old and she’s the only woman I’ve ever even kissed ! EVER !!!
I just don’t understand how she has gone from being the most loving perfect wife a man could ever hope for to an abusive, violent mess ! She claims it’s the way I have treated her-never making her a priority, yet I have no friends, no hobbies, no job. Spending 24/7 at her disposal and it’s been like this for years. The resentment because I’ve previously helped family members (helped my father restore an old farm house) is unbelievable.
so there it is-sitting with a bruised face and head yet again whilst all she can say is if I don’t like it-do something about it I.e leave or file for divorce.
I thought of myself as strong willed but this whole situation is getting to me.
I know I should just leave, but how can you leave the person you love, the person you’ve planned your whole life around, financial commitments, 2 grown up children etc etc

Wish I could wave a magic wand and make this all go away for you. Your wife has a personality disorder, she feels better when she creates pain and confusion for the people around her. She has to have a fake wonderful side to ensure you stick around for the mountains of abuse.
If you want to see her switch on the fake good side tell her you are leaving and mean it, she’ll start roping you back in with good behavior. Also stop arguing about whether you had an affair or not, she knows you didn’t.

I'm so sorry this is still going on OP..

The person you love is no longer there, you're holding onto a past. You may not want to admit it but you are in danger and need help. There are plenty of women on here who've been through similar and felt just as you do now but found they could. For your own sake you need to get out of there. I know it's easy to say and hard to do but you can leave and rebuild your life, millions do.

Can you stay with friends or family while you work out your next steps. People leave all the time, everything can be sorted out. While you are still in the same house as your wife it will be harder to think straight, you are under a lot of stress

Please do contact Menkind or Mens adviceline in my post above, they can help you navigate a lot of this and your feelings. You must feel very alone but these services can really help support you with practical advice on how to leave and sort things out so you can get back to living your life

old post I know but feel I should post a update.
since my last comment I’ve spent the year doing diy around the house, spent months rebuilding the daughters car engine etc. all perfectly normal stuff. The arguing has continued and so has the paranoia. I’ve not left the house unaccompanied except to collect a car part from a breakers yard, only to be FaceTimed and told she is having major chest pain. I rushed back only for the chest pain to subside and her refusal to seek medical help. Anyway at least the physical stuff had stopped, in face there have been a few occasions when we were ‘close’.
last night whilst watching tv in bed together she started screaming at me for something that happened whilst she was pregnant with our daughter (who is 32). I verbally defended myself and tried to explain the situation as I remember it, only to be punched straight in the mouth. Lip burst blood everywhere, then up all night arguing. This wasn’t provoked at all. I know this is not normal but what can I do ? I genuinely love my wife and want to help her heal, she still refuses to engage with psychological services. I’m providing a caring, loving environment where I do all the cooking, cleaning etc and reassuring her constantly that we can overcome this and safely share our feelings with one another.
all year has been delivery after delivery of her online shopping (clothes and jewellery) and we are only just in credit with our accounts.
Only a few days ago whilst we collected a ‘click and collect’ order from Metro centre (large shopping mall near us) we had to walk past the Ann summers shop, I didn’t even glimpse at the window and was instructed to keep my eyes down, I didn’t even glimpse and did as I was told but later asked what was that all about, it led to arguing all night about porngraphy and inappropriate stuff.
I get that she is insecure but how do I deal with that ? Even driving the car has become a hazard, I’m frighted to look at pedestrians incase they happen to be female as I’ll get accused of staring !
I know everyone will say leave her and yes that’s probably what’s best for me but I’m 100% smitten, always have been. I just don’t want to give up on our marriage and do believe with support it can be salvaged. I just don’t know how to go about this ?
I have stuck to her boundaries completely. No social media, has unrestricted access to my phone, no friends allowed and whenever on the rare occasion we need groceries she tracks me. I do not even watch tv without her.
she attended a reunion of her class mates as one of them has a serious illness I encouraged her to attend and even dropped her off and collected her when requested.

she says I can visit family but I don’t as it gives her a reason to make accusations, hence I’ve become distant from my aging parents.
our children f32 m31 have visited less and less, and it was our 25th anniversary recently, I asked if I could take her on holiday, she refused saying all I wanted to go for was to look at scantily clad women. I didn’t even receive an anniversary card !
I feel as though she wants me to end our relationship so that she can play the victim.
any advice gratefully received.

She’s mad.
You have to leave your disgusting violent abuser.

She is a monster.

My dear, you’re not smitten, you’re abused and afraid.

No-one can tolerate this so one day your health will fail and you may be forced into being the cared for, rather than the carer. Can you imagine your life then?

Please talk to a relevant charity and start to plan to leave. Or just call the police the next time she hits you like that.

You can’t fix this. Leave.

She’ll work out how to look after herself when you leave. Why would she bother now when you are doing everything? Think of you leaving as providing her with the chance to become a fully functioning human.

Get some therapy for yourself as well. From someone who understands & can support co-dependency.

Don't let her emotionally blackmail you. She sounds abusive, going on about sonething like this.

Read more of the thread. You're in real danger of losing your children too Having to witness this abuse, live in this tense situation. Time to leave her, take the dc, no excuses.

You are being manipulated and abused OP. You are not smitten, you are in some sort of brain washed state.
This woman has very serious paranoia expressions which could be because she is mentally unstable or, more likely, she is expressing her devious side. She is exploiting you and putting you down constantly in order to control you.
If you were the wife and she was the husband, what would you make of the situation.
You tried more than enough to make allowances and to follow these insane instructions. You played her game to keep the peace, you wrongly believed this is so that she doesn't suffer. It is you that's been suffering and she wants you to suffer. She does NOT love you. She wants to own you like a slave. That's not normal behaviour at all.
You seriously must leave the marriage. You absolutely must record all this abuse somewhere safe where she can't find your notes on your phone. Who's to say she's not accessing your phone?
Please think very very hard of a trustworthy person you can confide in and start the process of disconnecting from this absurd situation. A friend, a relative, a priest, someone safe.

I'm sorry but you need to get out. Put on your own oxygen mask and THEN worry about hers. Get out, to somewhere safe, get some counseling and then re-evaluate what you can do to help her.

Thanks to everyone who’s taken the time to reply.
I do believe she loves me, that’s why she’s hurting so deeply, that’s what she says anyway.
she is a very attractive woman and I’m overweight and balding. Yes when we were young I was quite possessive and paranoid but these were my immature teen years so feel it’s perfectly normal to grow and mature with time. During our relationship my wife has taken several holidays abroad without me, participated in hobbies with friends, nights out etc etc. All normal imo and not by any means excessive. I however haven’t ever done any of these. Not because I’m not allowed but because Its just not worth the grief afterwards. I ride a motorcycle and have only covered a couple of hundred years in the 25 years I’ve had my bike. I’ve tried to entertain myself with home based hobbies (fish keeping/aquariums) but even that has been stopped because I sold some catfish to a woman on Facebook marketplace. Now she sees keeping fish as an excuse to interact with women !
can’t believe how pathetic I sound writing this, normal life that has been twisted to suit her narrative. She’s even been messaging people I’ve had even the slightest interaction with asking what went on between us ! (I repaired a iPhone for my sons friend and offered to change some worn out brake pads for another)
ive been accused of of being to friendly with our kids friends/partners yet when they had friends stay over I always stayed downstairs to give them space/privacy.
honestly I don't know how I could possibly have been a better partner/father.