Advice please

[Geordieman]

Hi. First time I have reached out for advice.
im male 50 years old and have been with the same partner my whole life. Married for 25 years and two grown up children.
Anyway about 20 years ago I was contacted by a old family friend (my parents were good friends with her parents) and asked if I could do some electrical work at her house (im a electrician). Even thought I was quite busy with my own house/family, I knew it wouldn’t take me long (less than half a hour) so I agreed to help, a short while passed and I was asked to do a further job, and another and another. I didn’t want to say no but I saw it as an opportunity to introduce my wife to her so my wife came with me. All was well and I even thought they may become friends.
till then next time I was asked to do a small job. My wife was insistent I didn’t do it, even refusing to come with me. I was torn between obligation and not wanting to upset my wife.
I didnt understand or comprehend why my wife didn’t want me to help, so I did a couple of more tasks, even taking our son with me. I did jobs over about six years, not regularly or anything, about 10 jobs over a six year period.
I haven’t been asked to do anything for about 12 years now and the only contact has been a ‘happy birthday’ on Facebook.
my wife believes I was having a affair ! And our marage is falling apart !
at no time did it even cross my mind to be in anyway unfaithful. Nothing I can say will convince my wife nothing was going on. She can’t under why I would do jobs free of charge, yet I’ve helped loads of people for free over the years.
I like to help people if I can. That’s my nature but perhaps I was too eager to please, I don’t know.
All I know is my one and only, is hurt and pussing me away for something she ‘thinks’happened. Any help appreciated.

OP, are you ready to start planning a new life without abuse?

OP this is not a situation you should put up with any longer. It’s really hard for you, you’re traumatised and a victim of abuse. This means that it’s very hard for you to make the break….. but your first post was over a year ago. You must bring this situation to an end. It is damaging you and your children.

Call the Domestic Abuse helpline and try to attend the Freedom Programme for Men

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/searchmen.php

I just want to point out of this post, as an example of how distorted our thinking gets with an abuser, and how asymmetric the rules are.

1. Her sleeping around is forgivable, but you helping someone out is unforgivable. Try saying that out loud to anyone and see the reaction you get.
2. You have got tied up in knots trying to explain and be scrupulously fair to her, rather than realising it is completely deliberate on her behalf.
3. You (we) get so embroiled in the minutiae that you can’t take a step back to observe the pattern/dynamic.
4. lastly, you have become fearful of her escalation. You have to face that down, the first few months will be extremely anxiety ridden, horrific. But when you start to tell her that you see her as an abuser, and don’t get bogged down in her inevitable attempts at suck you back in by getting you to justify leaving to her satisfaction, then it will calm down.

Remember you don’t need her permission to leave. You don’t have to keep quiet about the abuse; you don’t have to walk away with nothing because she wants to destroy you.

She is very seriously mentally ill and you will never get back what you had.

The worst that can happen to you if you leave her will be better than being with her.

Many others have been in a similar situation and feel for you.

Update-I’m still here, still arguing about the same things, over and over. Yes there have been breadcrumbs, the odd day or two of normality. Even the odd ‘ intimate ‘ period.
she now wants me to undertake a polygraph test to prove I didn’t cheat.
one side of me thinks why not, after all I’ve got nothing to hide, the other side thinks what will this achieve as allowing myself to be hypnotised didn’t have the reassuring effects she said it would (despite my answers being what I’ve said all along) and there’s the not inconsequential cost. As we are of limited means , I just don’t feel this is justified.
I also think if her mistrust of me is so severe then our marriage is over anyway.
The physical violence has stopped but the control hasn’t.
should I undertake this test to prove my innocence ???
or is it a case of guilty until proven innocent and it won’t settle anything anyway.

I can’t believe what I have just read, this is horrific @Geordieman, you need to leave, I know it is hard after all these years but things are not going to change, your wife has serious mental health issues and is a danger to you. Please get out while you can and seek out some therapy as there is an awful lot to unpick. Don’t waste the rest of your life living like this, you do not deserve it.

no you shouldn’t take the test. You should escape your abuser.

She is evil, and she has utterly destroyed your self-worth.
Being alone would be an enormous improvement from living with that disgusting abuser.

How can we help you leave this relationship. It is a year and a half since you first wrote.

“I’ve not been out without her in 29 years, I’m not allowed hobbies or friends. she controls the finances and monitors every penny I spend.”
”She’s the most beautiful wonderful person in the world. She has done so much for me. Far too good for the likes of me”

OP, I hate to say this, but you are deluding yourself. You have been with her for 33 years, and you have got used to being controlled by her - but it will never be enough. She is jealous if you so much as look at another woman; she has reduced your world to the four walls of your house and the occasional shopping trip, and it’s still not enough. She will test your relationship to destruction, and when finally you give up and wonder what in earth you’ve been doing all these years, she will blame you for deserting her. I’m not surprised you’ve sworn at her if she’s physically abused you. It sounds like a thoroughly unhealthy relationship, and you acknowledge that she is being abusive and it can’t go on. When even your children are advising you to leave, it’s time to let go and move on. At fifty, you have a lot of life left to live - do you really want to devote your life to someone who attacks you and allows you no freedom? Illness does not excuse such behaviour, and sadly, it will only get worse. Don’t stay until she puts you in hospital or worse.
As for “I feel as though she wants me to end our relationship so that she can play the victim.”, that’s exactly what she will do, but it’s not your problem, and anyone who knows you won’t believe it. I don’t know how she’s got you so under the thumb that you will agree to absolutely anything, including hypnosis and polygraph tests. You need to leave, and the house will have to be sold, whether she likes it or not. I can’t believe you’re just making yourself a sitting duck for,her abuse. She clearly has serious MH issues, but if she refuses to seek help or allow medical intervention, it will never improve. Not content with alienating your friends, she’s now alienating her own children. For your own sanity, Op, you need to get out. You’ve made her into some sort of saint in your head - please, open your eyes and see her for the abusive, self-centred, unhinged person that she is.

I've just read this whole thing and it is the most saddest but frustrating thing I've ever read.

You say she is having you jump through hoops and you oblige... but do you not realise she keeps moving the goal posts! And you keep on obliging.

She knows this is nuts and so do you. You are very trauma bonded to this woman. Maybe look up stockhold syndrome as she has such a hold over you...

I really think you need therapy by yourself by a trauma specialist. It can take people several times to leave their abusers but you have to really understand right now, at what she is doing to you.

How many more years do you have on this earth and do you want to stay in her prison? It's also self imposed to a degree because you won't leave her. She will survive fine without you, just watch. She uses her needs as a way to keep you there do you not see? She will survive with carers just fine.

It's time you freed yourself from this nightmare. What are you modelling to your children? Grown or not, this must be awful for them to witness.

Life does not have to be like this. You can be on your own for the rest of your life or meet someone who will not treat you like this, once you are on the way to healing.

I used to when addicted to smoking, when I thought about giving it up, how will I ever cope with it. And that frightened me that thought. I was 100% addicted. Glib example I know but you are addicted too, to the highs and lows. Your cortisol must be in bits. Don't you crave peace, breathing room and your own space?

You must keep coming back to this thread for a reason. I think you want to get out but you are glued to the spot. Make this year that his happens. You can do it. She has zero loyalty to you. Don't waste another precious minute on her. You can do this, be strong!

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Who taught you to put other people first at your expense?.

Love your own self for a change and it’s ok to put your self first. There is NO excuse or justification for her abuses of you.

It’s not your fault your wife is abusive and you did not make her that way. What do you know about her family background because that can give clues.

All your words are those of an abused man in an abusive codependent relationship with your wife. This thread is now a couple of years old and nothing really has changed. You’re.still there stuck in the destruct dance of codependency with your wife and in addition you are trauma bonded to her.

Where is your red line in the sand here. When is enough going to be enough?.

Its no point whatsoever in doing a polygraph test because she could well say you fixed the test result. Your best and only real option is for you to leave her. She could well go onto put you in the morgue or in hospital yet again. There are no prizes given out for martyring yourself at her hands and your adult children need you on their lives.

Please talk to Menkind. I will
put up a link for you.

https://mankind.org.uk

Why are you still there? I don’t understand. You can’t live in the past and remember what was. It’s gone. You don’t appear to have a future, as she controls your every thought and move. It’s the present what counts and you are in hell. Remove yourself from this situation and don’t look back. Accept that you are 50% responsible for this situation and make the necessary changes.

Op why are you pandering to her every demand? Hypnosis, polygraphs.... do you know how ridiculous this sounds? Can you imagine what you would think if one of your kids told you their partner was behaving like your wife and demanding these things?
I would actually laugh if someone suggested such shit to me.
Look into personality disorders. My partner has one and I've spent many years educating myself and reading all about them so I could understand. It sounds like its a possibility for your wife and ill be honest, you have zero hope of her changing if that's the case as she clearly does not give a toss about her own health let alone how it affects those around her.

Op this is an absolute cartoon. Get a grip of yourself and leave this arsehole of a woman

“Taking a polygraph is the only way to fix this” and “am i not worth the cost” ?
this is literally what shes just said to me.
yes shes from a abusive background, by all accounts her father abused her mother and went on to abuse her (not sexually i add) too. She found herself in the care system from 15 years old- and i still supported her.
i remember her telling me her father assaulted a bus driver for ‘looking at’ her mother.
he was a difficult man to get along with for sure, but did have his qualities.
i know the insistence of a polygraph is un reasonable and just another form of coercive control.
and yes i agree, its doesn't seem to matter how many hoops i jump through it will never be enough.
my whole life spent being with her and all my plans for the future with her, is very difficult to just ‘give up’ on. It wasn't always like this but has been for over five yearn now.
eg-lying in bed just about to fall asleep, she said she was hungry and would like done eggs on toast, up i get and make them for her, she eats them and then goes mad at the cooking smells, contaminating her freshly washed clothes !

I was not surprised that she saw violence at home. That is precisely why I asked that question. She has become a carbon copy of her father who was also violent even though she was abused by him. She learnt a hell of a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when she was growing up and you were targeted by her. Your own rescuer and or saviour tendencies kicked in and that also made you very attractive as her target.

What keeps you with her other than being trauma bonded and codependent?. Her actions towards you are certainly not loving ones. Would you tolerate this from a friend?. Ask yourself that.

Again there is NO justification or excuse acceptable for her abuses of you and in turn her now adult children.

Nothing you do or say will ever be right by her because she keeps on moving the goalposts and will continue to do so. You have a choice re her even now and I would urge you to to leave before she does you any more harm physically or emotionally. It is only when you have removed yourself entirely from her that you will realise the extent to which you have been abused by her. Your own recovery from her abuse has not started yet nor will do so until you leave.

Nothing is going to change until you change.its simple. She will have no reason to seek help unless there is no option. You need to leave this situation. This is coercive control. You are not helping her in any way by continuing this cycle you are just feeding her and enabling her to up it.

And it will take a long time, years even, to recover from
her abuses of you. You deserve to live in an abuse free home.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You in turn are not a rehab centre for such a badly raised woman.

She won’t leave you, why would she when she had you around to abuse?. So you need to leave her instead. If you do love her free yourself from this misery she inflicts on you and let her go.

It's all been said already, but I've got a couple of other observations.

First of all, it's a dynamic I've observed several times in informal caring relationships. The cared for person gets increasingly resentful and suspicious of the person doing the caring. Any contact with anyone else - even if it's just going to the shops - is tantamount to infidelity. The carer is always on the back foot, having to justify their everyday actions not being a grand betrayal. For example, a friend's partner found the phone numbers of people from a carers' support group run by the local Mind branch on her phone. 'I've caught you out in a lie' he decalimed triumphantly. 'What else are you lying to me about?'. The research literature on informal caring is starting to talk about conflict in caring relationships, but it's taking the academic world a while to catch up.

Second, seeing as accusations of infidelity are somewhat fraught anyway, there's every likelihood that mentioning this will yield the increased heart rate, respiration rate, sweating and so on which would be measured in a polygraph test. So that would only add grist to her mill.

As others keep saying, this is a relationship best left. Preferably while you have some good years of life left to enjoy!

Look up sunken costs fallacy.

You do not need to still be there. You will back in another 6 months. And then what are you going to do?

What if she escalates the abuse? What if it's a knife next? Don't ever think it can't.

Did you used to work before she stopped you. Don't you want to be back in the workplace, making friends, socialising after work, Christmas meals, away days, doing a hobby where you meet people. She's taken that away from you. Someone who loved you would never treat you like a prisoner.

You could pass the polygraph that states 100% that you were not and have never been unfaithful. But it will not be enough. She will then find another test to test you are faithful, what if she said you need to be medically castrated as this would prove to her that you will never ever be unfaithful in the future… would you?…
She has a significant mental health condition, most likely diagnosable, most likely needing medication and therapy. You cannot fix her, it is not your fault but staying with her allowing her to continue to abuse you, is something you can change, LEAVE.

This is horrific. Whether she’s mentally ill or just evil , please get out. Can you go to one of your children ?
please call a domestic abuse helpline.
https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

Ive contacted the mens helpline as suggested. Yes my wife is abusing me-i already know that, shes still adamant that i am the problem not her.
another example of how unreasonable she is- today i phoned 2 builders yards for prices on materials for the garden. The cheapest was local but because a woman answered the phone i wasn't allowed to go there ro make the purchase. Instead I had to go further afield and pay more because a ‘man’ answered my call.
how can anyone be this suspicious and paranoid ?
yes i know MH, but how can you encourage someone the get help when they dont want any (or believe they need it)?

OP, who is going to give you permission to leave? Do you give yourself permission to leave.
Can you decide today that you will leave your abuser? You don’t have to leave today, but you can make the decision and start planning.

The thing about abusers is that they can’t be reasoned with. You know her abusive father couldn’t be reasoned with, and attempting to find a line where it would be OK to leave is difficult- because you think you need her permission to separate.

You can separate without her permission or acceptance.

we understand you fear that she will go nuclear- maybe she will. But you know what- she can make her own fucking fried eggs.
But after a period of time she will calm down a bit and you will have peace in your life.

Abusers literally don’t stop ever, over the years I have read accounts of women who were abused by their dying spouses; men who blocked a dying woman from having proper treatment or pain relief; I have seen men in their forties verbally abuse unrelated women in their eighties. At fifty you are looking at 30+ more years of this. If you were dying do you think she would allow nursing care in your house - she wouldn’t?
For the sake of frail eighty year old you, escape now.