Advice please

[Geordieman]

Hi. First time I have reached out for advice.
im male 50 years old and have been with the same partner my whole life. Married for 25 years and two grown up children.
Anyway about 20 years ago I was contacted by a old family friend (my parents were good friends with her parents) and asked if I could do some electrical work at her house (im a electrician). Even thought I was quite busy with my own house/family, I knew it wouldn’t take me long (less than half a hour) so I agreed to help, a short while passed and I was asked to do a further job, and another and another. I didn’t want to say no but I saw it as an opportunity to introduce my wife to her so my wife came with me. All was well and I even thought they may become friends.
till then next time I was asked to do a small job. My wife was insistent I didn’t do it, even refusing to come with me. I was torn between obligation and not wanting to upset my wife.
I didnt understand or comprehend why my wife didn’t want me to help, so I did a couple of more tasks, even taking our son with me. I did jobs over about six years, not regularly or anything, about 10 jobs over a six year period.
I haven’t been asked to do anything for about 12 years now and the only contact has been a ‘happy birthday’ on Facebook.
my wife believes I was having a affair ! And our marage is falling apart !
at no time did it even cross my mind to be in anyway unfaithful. Nothing I can say will convince my wife nothing was going on. She can’t under why I would do jobs free of charge, yet I’ve helped loads of people for free over the years.
I like to help people if I can. That’s my nature but perhaps I was too eager to please, I don’t know.
All I know is my one and only, is hurt and pussing me away for something she ‘thinks’happened. Any help appreciated.

OP, are you ready to start planning a new life without abuse?

OP this is not a situation you should put up with any longer. It’s really hard for you, you’re traumatised and a victim of abuse. This means that it’s very hard for you to make the break….. but your first post was over a year ago. You must bring this situation to an end. It is damaging you and your children.

Call the Domestic Abuse helpline and try to attend the Freedom Programme for Men

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/searchmen.php

I just want to point out of this post, as an example of how distorted our thinking gets with an abuser, and how asymmetric the rules are.

1. Her sleeping around is forgivable, but you helping someone out is unforgivable. Try saying that out loud to anyone and see the reaction you get.
2. You have got tied up in knots trying to explain and be scrupulously fair to her, rather than realising it is completely deliberate on her behalf.
3. You (we) get so embroiled in the minutiae that you can’t take a step back to observe the pattern/dynamic.
4. lastly, you have become fearful of her escalation. You have to face that down, the first few months will be extremely anxiety ridden, horrific. But when you start to tell her that you see her as an abuser, and don’t get bogged down in her inevitable attempts at suck you back in by getting you to justify leaving to her satisfaction, then it will calm down.

Remember you don’t need her permission to leave. You don’t have to keep quiet about the abuse; you don’t have to walk away with nothing because she wants to destroy you.

She is very seriously mentally ill and you will never get back what you had.

The worst that can happen to you if you leave her will be better than being with her.

Many others have been in a similar situation and feel for you.