Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

[Whattodo3094]

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

Heavily subsidised by UC OP has stated this when she goes part time.

It is bad UC is an option for people to live a lifestyle of not working at all like her DH.

The folks bitching about UC need to stop and realise it’s a fucking pittance. She’ll get for a 4 bed property in her area but for what she earns over the threshold is taken off so she’ll have very little.

she wants him back at work so they can save maybe buy that house in the future an equal partner but no he thinks they’ll be fine not her the OP wants to better herself

This isn't a bash at all but I see this in families who were able to work very part time under tax credits, got used to it and then suddenly think it's a violation of their human rights when they are migrated across to UC and have to do extra hours, or find childcare solutions. They say things like "I didn't have dc to have someone else raise them!" if they are told they have to work 16 hours a week once their dc are in nursery, or "how am I supposed to work if the child needs collected from school". They don't seem to be aware that so many parents have to navigate these issues.
The DH here has become very comfortable as a stay-at-home gamer and is now horrified about having to give that up. I have to warn you OP, the longer he's at home the harder it will be to get him out working, and expect him to be very resentful for it.

I work full time at the moment to be fair and the third is still cooking for another 6 weeks. I got incredibly lucky with my job, it started out as admin assistant and 3 years later I am now an office manager.

@Whattodo3094 I’m really quite upset on your behalf. He’s managed to get his feet under your table. He’s found himself a degreed professional to fully fund his lifestyle, which enables him to game away the entire school day. All he needs to do to reciprocate is perform in bed, cook dinners, and do the school runs. He’s even convinced you not to take your full maternity leave—not for your benefit, nor the baby’s benefit, but for his benefit. Cocklodger is the term that comes to mind.

I think the combination of not knowing what he wants to do and now being out of work for so long have paralysed him. Which is why he gets panicky and defensive when you bring the subject up.

Is it worth making it clear that you’re expecting money coming in, not a fully-mapped out 10-year career plan? I would not solutionise too much - just give him one expectation- to find a job to contribute financially.

His lack of work ethic would drive me insane. And the longer it goes on, the higher the chance he will never work. Gaming is clearly how he spends his days.

Not suggesting you do this but how would he react if he read this thread?

I only have a 2 bed property so even less, and thank you. It really isn't much at all. It just allows us to actually afford to live. When I mentioned "fun money" earlier in the thread, that was for subscriptions, going out occasionally. It's not like we can ever afford to go one holiday or anything.

So you don’t get any benefits to top up your income whilst it’s only you working?

Im not sure how it’s financially viable to just put everyone in childcare especially if he is going into an entry level role

Seems it suited you to leave him at home with the first two and now you have decided you want more time at home with the kids he just needs to put up and shut up

Not luck. You are a hard worker enduring a lazy sponger. Gaming is lethal for work ethic.

He doesn't want you to be part time because then his childcare excuse goes out the window. He could get a job that works around your days off, especially if he used to do 12hrs days in healthcare.

Can you extend your maternity leave until November when the nursery place starts?

He has no intention of going back to work, and expects you to support him and 3 kids.

Hes taking the piss out of you. You don't need him - go back to work part time as you planned, cut him loose and go it alone. That he expects you to support him while he currently sits on his arse for 5 hours a day should be telling you all you need to know.

So he's an addict then. Obviously not all people who play computer games are addicts but Gamers are. I assume he barely has a day where he doesn't spend at least an hour gaming? I'd also say it's an addiction if it interferes with his daily life and clearly it does.

Why bother with life's slow gratification through goal achievement when you can have the easy dopamine hits of 'achieving' online. He still gets a roof over his head, food on the table, bills paid, sounds like life admin sorted for him, by doing the latter.

I just could not be attracted to someone like that, I wouldn't see them as a fully formed adult.

I do think that's what happened with him to be honest. I just don't get it. He worked before I did. I never thought he'd completely give up on working and refuse to get back into work. If I'd known that's how it would have gone, I wouldn't have gone back to work yet, or would have found something part time to work around his hours.

It's just one of those things where he had a reason to be home and then it passed and the excuses started and nothing I said or did made him start looking.

Yes,it is.

What if we all did this, who'd be left to pay for all this UC?

Irresponsible and feckless On both sides! One of you needs a proper job!

Oh for fuck's sake.

It's "family's financial stability" by the way, I prefer my inaccurate benefits-bashing posts with correct grammar if that's okay.

I was wondering the same. Some people on here have been quite harsh and definitely have a more negative view of him than is fair. Which I understand, it's hard to relay how a person is through a post and some replies. But it would perhaps be a wake up call.

I plan to use alot of what I've seen in the comments here when I talk to him so he will get a lot of the information regardless.

Lots of people have made some very good points.

Op has a full time job ffs read the thread even if it’s just the OP posts

I agree. It all seems rather optimal doesn’t it!!

A couple of points to bear in mind: if you were to split up in the future and he was not working but supposedly the children's main carer, you could be the one expected to pay him child support.

Also with UC unless earnings over the couples AET (currently around £1450 ish) one or both of you would have regular meetings with a work coach re improving earnings. The one named as main carer would not be expected to work until youngest is three. He is lazy but also foolish to not think about the future. Could he do a degree perhaps himself? Gamers really piss me off.

Now we are bashing folks on UC I bloody despair

You need to stop telling yourself that your boyfriend is a good dad and a good partner. He’s not. He’s selfish and lazy and prioritises his needs over yours and his children’s. Deep down, you know this.

It sounds like you’ve had some trauma in your upbringing (you mention an adopted mother so I am assuming from this) and that this is impacting on your perception of what makes a good relationship. It’s understandable that you want the security of a stable family unit of your own if you didn’t have one growing up, but you can’t be the one having to do all the work necessary to maintain that unit. That’s not sustainable.

You have a degree and a good job. You’re providing single handedly for your family while also doing most of the housework. Your boyfriend does some cooking, takes the kids to and from school and takes them out at the weekend. That’s not a fair division of labour in anyone’s book.

If your boyfriend truly loved and respected you, he would not be comfortable taking your money and using it to fund his lifestyle of sitting on his arse all day playing games.

He is using you. End of. And he won’t change, because he has no desire to.

You have taken on the responsibility of carrying this man in the hope he’ll change. Fundamentally he’s a lazy person, always has been, always will be. You can’t change who he is. Don’t delude yourself.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life working yourself to the bone and never getting any reward for it? Because if you stay with this man, that’s what will happen. You’ll never own your own home, have enough money for holidays or treats, and you’ll exhaust yourself in the process. Please respect yourself. You are an incredible woman who’s done very well for herself through hard work and determination. You deserve a partner who will match you in that and work with you to achieve your goals.

He either gets a job or he gets out. Those have to be his choices.

Yeah this isn't true so it's a bit annoying it's continuing on this thread. We aren't heavily subsidized and we don't use our UC top up for fun money. I don't know about you guys, but our bills are increased and our rent went up £100 a month this year. Life is expensive and while I earn a pretty good wage, it doesn't cover everything. Another reason I am stressed and upset about his lack of working.

I don't look down on SAHPs. I used to be one. But when I was, I did everything including getting up with the children. No time to game or anything: I did a bit of freelance work to keep up my skills. Then I went back to work when they were in school. I did change careers for a less stressful one but only after checking with DH.

In this situation I would get the ick.

But he's lazy. He just doesn't put in the effort with keeping on top of the house and won't work. If I don't ask him to clean something, he just won't. I get back from work to the house being a mess and I wouldn't care if he worked too but he's home every day while the girls are at school and he just has no excuse. If I ask what he's done with his day, regardless of my tone, he kind of gets an attitude. Like he gets offended I'm implying he's not done anything around the house, but he obviously hasn't.
And I think the reason he won't get a job is also that he's just lazy. He doesn't want to. We can get by with just me working full time so that's what he wants to stick with

I couldn’t cope with that. There’s nothing wrong with being a SAHP but to do it out of laziness is not on. He’s not pulling his weight in the relationship. He’s doing this because you let him. I know you said he shuts you down when you try to discuss it, so what I’d do is just go ahead with your P/T plans and call his bluff. He might well (grudgingly) find a job if he has to.

What he’s saying about school hours is crap. How does he think single parents manage? I live very rurally and there aren’t many jobs here or a wide choice, but even here at the moment there are jobs as a teaching asst, a lunchtime supervisor in a school, admin in a school, school hour jobs at the local council, personal assistant for a child with extra needs, same for an older person who needs company and organisation. There’s also an office job with 10 to 2pm hours some days, and a 10 to 4pm on one day. He could do all of those.