Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

[Whattodo3094]

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

This - tell him you both go part time. End of. Say you’ve had 3 years now I want some time and you can go full time whilst I am on maternity - I can manage the school runs and a baby. You need to earn towards household funds.

“But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?!

Thats exactly what he thought and as a couple your communication skills are lacking. You going part time means you will be around more and that means it will be harder for him to justify his use of time. He should be at the very least be training to improve his employment prospects. Time to sit down and have a grown up conversation, which will also mean you communicating your wants and expectations.

OP you said you got together when you were 17 so barely more than a child. The reason you think he’s a great partner, rather than the lazy feckless whiny man child that he actually is, is that you’ve never had another adult relationship to compare him with. You haven’t had a relationship with another man as an adult. If you had you would see that he’s ludicrously far from a great partner. His cock could be made of gold and he’d still be a crap partner

you can’t make him something he isn’t. He doesn’t want to work & you are enabling him not to have too. How is he affording his gaming kit for example? How is he paying for his driving

you can’t change him my love you can only change yourself. So are you prepared to changed how you respond to his general crapness or are you just going to keep on putting up with it

You need to spell it out to him.
He has basically got used to not working. He does not want to change this.
In your position I would either

1. Take a year off which gives you time to work this out as a family.
2. Take part time and be clear with him that you both need to work around the children as you wish to spend time with the baby. If he refuses to work then there will be a financial implication.

The OP lists her partners good points and says his only flaw is he's lazy. That's actually an enormous flaw.
Frankly I'd prefer "rubbish in bed" over lazy. Laziness affects so many aspects of a Relationship

I think rather than just focusing the discussion on him going back to work, it might be productive to think about family goals, as someone said up thread. What do you both see the next few years as looking like? What do you both really want? If it's buying a house of your own, what steps do you need to achieve to get to that point? Break it down financially too. And ask where he wants to be in 5 years, where he sees himself - is it really still being a house husband to school-age kids? What about in ten years? Or even retirement? I know it sounds daft as it's so far off but it's so important to be on the same page and it might stop him being defensive if you're talking about this stuff as a team. It sounds like you've had a really tough year and it's probably been tough for him supporting you too. It sounds like you've got a lot going for you in this relationship so I wouldn't be too quick to write it (or him) off but obviously something needs to shift.

How on earth do you live on one part time wage ?

couldn’t he get a part time job in the evening when you are home. When 12 hours a week would bring in an extra £500 a month.

He needs to get a job, any job. Give him a deadline. The school hours argument is bull shit because that is what childminders and after school clubs are for. Plus you will be part-time. Don’t stand for it. And take your 12 months if you want to! I really regret not taking the extra time.

He's had years to retrain or get a degree and he hasn't and now you have a third baby on the way and all he can get is the same low pay hospital work.

You've worked hard for years, you pay more than a mortgage in rent. It's such an unstable life. You will never be able to afford to retire and you won't even have enough fun money. All your work is payinh for the family to live so he can be on perpetual holiday doing f all in front of a computer. / console.

It's time to get angry.

If I were you I'd start to look at how your lives would work if you separate. I suggest taking the short mat leave, the full time job, reallylean into gettingup the ladder at work, look at childcare: nursery and after school club. Your rent is covered by benefits. You might need to look at food banks. He will still be able to look after dc but he will also need a place to live. He will have to work to support himself.

At least you aren't married. Small mercies.

I can't believe he is giving you shit about not working full time when he doesn't work at all. Plus moaning he wants to buy a house but not contributing. He really doesn't respect you. He never grew up.

I will never understand why women keeping having children with men like this. Never.

Hca is a perfect job in a hospital, he can work 3 nights- finish shift at 8- come home and do school run then sleep till school pick up. That’s what most nurses do. If he wouldn’t be home in time for school drop off you drop them at breakfast club for those mornings.

My DH claims to be a feminist. Made all kinds of promises over the years about how he’d do this that or the other in terms of childcare/mental load/housekeeping etc. currently he is supposed to be main parent at home and do the bulk of the domestic stuff but when push came to shove he just doesn’t want to do it and so does a half arsed job.

My theory is that it is internalised misogyny.

He knows men and women should be equal. He knows his penis isn’t a disability rendering him unable to do it. He’s got better over the years. But really, he sees it as beneath him because these roles have always been devalued in society. There is no award for the best cleaner/parent/housekeeper. It’s always been ‘womens work’ and seen as not as good as ‘proper jobs’. He wants to have the ‘big important job’ and doesn’t feel these lesser jobs (as he sees them) are worth making an effort with. He doesn’t try and do them well or improve at doing them. He doesn’t see it as worthy of his effort.

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodesky - it’s on audible. Quick and light read but it did help us a bit as it highlights the mental load beautifully.

I recognise so much of my situation in this post, I went back to work when my baby was 9 months old and he left a job he hated with the plan for a 3 month break before finding a new job. 7 years later he finally found a part time job when we were splitting up. But in that time he didn't do all the stay at home parent stuff, he was depressed and my resentment just kept growing. One thing it's worth reflecting on is the risk of how you talking about having enough to get by. That was how I thought about things, but then started to realise that I wanted us to have savings, nice holidays and enough for a retirement. It was really short sighted of me to budget for just living, that's not wise and I deeply regret not getting firmer on this sooner!

It's so hard when your empathy for them means you tolerate more than you should, but you have needs to, and your kids would benefit from seeing a healthy partnership!

You have an extra child you didn't ask for. He's a stay at home parent and he can't even keep the house in order. He probably spends the school hours on his phone or gaming.
You have a deadbeat. You have a waste of space. He isn't a great partner you are just refusing to see the red flags right in front of your face.

Loads of part time jobs in his area of work. He's just lazy.

Omg yes - please get this sorted OP otherwise you’ll be screwed if you split up!

I haven’t read all the posts OP but I wonder if he could get a job on the weekend and one of the days when you are off, with the provision he has to do 50 per cent of the house work. does he realise being a stay at home parent with a baby at home is much harder than being a stay at home parent to children in school. ?

Sounds like you already plan to have a big discussion about it and in that discussion I’d be laying some ground rules along the lines of: ‘There are two adults in this household who are equally responsible for providing for the bills etc; we are equally responsible for the running and cleaning and maintenance of this house and we are equally responsible for bringing up our children. Being equally responsible doesn’t mean doing 50% of each thing because we both have different skills but it does mean fairness in how our time is spent.

I’d then draw up a list of everything - how much money is needed to run the home,
what bills you need to cover etc, a list of jobs that need to be done regularly, shopping, cooking, cleaning the loos, vacuum the floors etc and then a ‘timetable’ of the week to see how each person is spending their time. I would also be asking ‘what exactly do you do with five hours a day whilst the children are at school and I’m at work?’ Make it clear that you want time with the new baby too and that you are not going to be doing extra so that he can faff around. Tell him you expect him to set aside some time between now and your maternity leave to seriously look for a job and that things are not going to be the same going forward as they have been so far. Make visual plans on a spreadsheet or whatever so that he can see what needs to be done and when. It seems to me that he’s frittering away hours each week when he could be doing housework or out working. Helping him to see that may be your way forward. If he’s still saying he can’t work because he doesn’t know what he wants to do tell him he needs to find a temporary job then until he has decided. Even if it’s not a big earner, like working for a supermarket it would be a start and would get him back into work mode.

Ignoring the fact that he sounds fairly lazy at this point, trying to look objectively at the situation the obvious thing seems to be that he gets a full time job when you go on maternity leave for a full year. This allows him to get settled in and you take a year off. If this job is in care or health care and he's a good worker most companies would want to keep him on even if that's on a bank/part time/ fixed rota basis. After a years leave you'd then be able to make a fully informed decision whether to go back full or part time without all the pressure of being the sole earner.
You may, as a partnership, have to pay for some childcare in the short term but that's what many many working parents do. In the long run you are better off financially and can provide more for your children.

My friend's husband stopping working years ago. She is now working longer than she wants to as she's effectively his pension too. Plus he's now unwell, she sounds very trapped & depressed.

It might not change & you'll be her.

OP you’ve had lots of useful advice here so I only have 2 things to add - 1) why doesn’t he look into training to be a chef? If he enjoys cooking and wants to still be around for school runs, evening work in a kitchen sounds like a good fit, surely? 2) Is there a possibility he could be neurodiverse? I’m just wondering if it is laziness or if he’s struggling to function as an adult due to being overwhelmed etc. I’m not saying that’s an excuse - it would give me the absolute ick to be with someone who refused to work and it’s absolutely not a reason not to - but it may be something to consider: might he need support rather than someone cracking the whip?

All the best - you sound like you have your head thoroughly screwed on and I really hope you get a positive outcome so that you don’t have to start issuing ultimatums or sacrificing everything and going back full time.

I think I’d tell him to apply for full time roles as you will be at home. You could then take a year off. Plus would child minder be an option when you go back? Or he could think again once your maternity leave is over.

He's stealing from you. He's stolen half your maternity leave (reading this, you're going back after 6 months because of him) and he's stealing your future by trapping you and the children in a rented home because he won't help provide an income to buy.
He'll steal your kids future because they'll grow up thinking a life in a low income family, on UC with a parent that can't be arsed to work is normal.
Who is funding the games / consoles / subscriptions? My guess is you, so cut it off at the source. The UC is his contribution to the rent / bills. He's clothed, fed and housed by virtue of you paying the household bills. Anything else he wants, he works for, no more games until he can buy them himself. If you want to go part time, go part time, fund the shortfall through cutting any luxuries he is currently getting.
I'd also not want to leave the baby with him, he sounds too lazy to properly care for baby, I can imagine him being one of those hideous "parents" with half an eye on the baby and most of his attention on his phone / TV / game.

I'm amazed that at 30, you have a job you can afford to do part time with a partner and three children! What the heck is it? I need to change career!

Laziness is not an attractive trait OP. He doesn’t sound such a fantastic partner you think he is.

I don’t “need” to work but I do. It would be very unfair for me to bum around the house while DH works long hours. No excuse for not at least working part time.

You ve made him way to comfortable and now you are pregnant he needs to step up. Line in the sand time .