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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s cheating! Caught him out shocked!

684 replies

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 14:51

Hi everyone this is my first post so please be easy with me. I’ve been married for 20 years to dh and have 5 beautiful kids. Our relationship like everyone else had its ups and downs yet we stuck together through it all. If u ask if im happy I would say im secure and now made this life which is fine. Last few years have been tough as seeing changes with dh for example not answering my calls, staying out late and just generally not giving me much attention. Our sex life doesn’t exsist which doesn’t bother him and to be fair I didn’t make a big deal due to him feeling embarrassed about his ed.
I had been having a feeling he might be cheating but I tried ignore this and try carry on with our lives. He’s very protective and feel like he would question everything to me but I’m very laid back and just let him be which could be my fault.
last week I don’t know what made me do this but I seen his Snapchat pop up a few times and he just kinda ignore it and turned phone over which I found weird. I went and made a fake account and added him to it( what was I thinking) I don’t even know why I did it but the feeling just kept coming to do this. Anyway after a few hours he added me and said hello. I said hello back and he asked me where I was from so I kinda just went with it and made up a character. He then asked me for a picture and he sent his picture straight away. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no he’s divorce with no kids!!!! Wtf!!! I was shaking and just logged out. He came home from work like normal and I just carried on like normal. I don’t know what do with this information? I can’t confront him as I’m terrified about breaking up my family yet I can’t go on like this knowing he is doing this crap. He’s sent a message today saying let’s meet up wtf! I’m such a mug! I don’t even have the balls to confront him as he will turn this on me

OP posts:
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Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:50

mathanxiety · 13/12/2024 16:48

Tell the solicitor you need an appointment to discuss divorce.

Married 20 years, husband cheating and generally an angry man. England / Wales (not sure about Scotland or NI) has no fault divorce so the reason for the divorce makes no difference.

You want to know if you have any rights to the marital home, if he will owe you child support, and in case the house will need to be sold, what proportion of the equity will go to you. After a long marriage, and especially if you have worked PT or reduced hours or been a sahm because the majority of childcare has fallen to you, you may be entitled to more than 50%. You need to ask too if you would need to buy him out in order to remain in the home.

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Thanks x

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 13/12/2024 16:50

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:22

Was I not good enough?

No, he was not good enough.

Don't blame yourself for what he has freely chosen to do. You've been unhappy with him but you've still upheld your marriage vows. You have a right to expect the same of him.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2024 16:51

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:38

I know exactly what will happen! He will twist this on me and say I’m sick and that I’ve broken the family and the kids are going to hate me for this. He will play the victim and I will end up apologising for putting him through this

Stick your fingers in your ears and say lalalala.

Then remember he said he had no children.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:51

mathanxiety · 13/12/2024 16:50

No, he was not good enough.

Don't blame yourself for what he has freely chosen to do. You've been unhappy with him but you've still upheld your marriage vows. You have a right to expect the same of him.

Show quote history

Thank you! Your right I’ve stood by my vows and would of another 50 years

OP posts:
DowntonNabby · 13/12/2024 16:52

Oh you poor thing. But if you want the truth, your fake self is going to have to be a bit more brazen.

Ask him if he's just looking for a casual hook up or something more serious. Then ask if he's met anyone else through Snapchat or is he just all talk.

The thing is, he might just be bluffing and getting off on spicy chat and wouldn't actually dream of meeting up. Not that that's any less of a betrayal, but it might help you establish whether he's actually cheated or if he's just giving it the big man routine online.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:53

I made his life so easy for him, everything was done for him and he had a great life yet as the years were going on as he was getting stronger and more powerful I was breaking piece by piece. I’ve lost my confidence and I have low esteem.my body has changed but I was good to him always

OP posts:
Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:54

DowntonNabby · 13/12/2024 16:52

Oh you poor thing. But if you want the truth, your fake self is going to have to be a bit more brazen.

Ask him if he's just looking for a casual hook up or something more serious. Then ask if he's met anyone else through Snapchat or is he just all talk.

The thing is, he might just be bluffing and getting off on spicy chat and wouldn't actually dream of meeting up. Not that that's any less of a betrayal, but it might help you establish whether he's actually cheated or if he's just giving it the big man routine online.

True. I think I’ve seen enough though. Its the lack of respect he has of me

OP posts:
Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:55

Makes you think where I went wrong in this relationship. I honestly have it 100% and still he done this to me!

OP posts:
BeAzureAnt · 13/12/2024 16:58

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:55

Makes you think where I went wrong in this relationship. I honestly have it 100% and still he done this to me!

OP, he took you for granted, and he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to see that a faithful and loving partner is like gold dust. I’m really sorry. I would also advise you to see a solicitor so you know your rights. Knowledge is power.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:58

Just remembered I’ve booked him golf for the weekend in France with his club and organised it for him as he’s been working so hard. Was a Christmas gift for him from the kids and me

OP posts:
Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:59

BeAzureAnt · 13/12/2024 16:58

OP, he took you for granted, and he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to see that a faithful and loving partner is like gold dust. I’m really sorry. I would also advise you to see a solicitor so you know your rights. Knowledge is power.

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Thank you x

OP posts:
DowntonNabby · 13/12/2024 16:59

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:54

True. I think I’ve seen enough though. Its the lack of respect he has of me

Show quote history

Fair enough. It sounds like you've put up with enough over the years. It might not seem like it now, but if this gives you the excuse to escape his abuse he will have done you and your DC a favour.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 17:00

DowntonNabby · 13/12/2024 16:59

Fair enough. It sounds like you've put up with enough over the years. It might not seem like it now, but if this gives you the excuse to escape his abuse he will have done you and your DC a favour.

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Your right hun, maybe this is my wake up call x

OP posts:
Manara · 13/12/2024 17:00

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 15:27

I couldn’t screenshot the messages to using an old iPad to capture them. Anything else I can do as not very good at stuff like this

Take a picture of his phone screen using your phone.

Fannyfiggs · 13/12/2024 17:01

I'm sorry this has happened. I wish you the strength to leave this abusive piece of shit.

The audacity of the mediocre man is astounding.

PositivePorpoisePeople · 13/12/2024 17:01

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 16:58

Just remembered I’ve booked him golf for the weekend in France with his club and organised it for him as he’s been working so hard. Was a Christmas gift for him from the kids and me

Quick cancel it and get your money back. Buy him tickets to a show and hotel room for next year but you just write it in the card and tell him it’s a magical mystery tour for September next year. In reality you will take a friend - the gift is for you.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 17:01

Fannyfiggs · 13/12/2024 17:01

I'm sorry this has happened. I wish you the strength to leave this abusive piece of shit.

The audacity of the mediocre man is astounding.

Feel like I could never trust anyone ever again

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 13/12/2024 17:02

Makes you think where I went wrong in this relationship. I honestly have it 100% and still he done this to me!

You need to stop thinking like this.

He has gone wrong. Not you

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 17:04

Notimeforaname · 13/12/2024 17:02

Makes you think where I went wrong in this relationship. I honestly have it 100% and still he done this to me!

You need to stop thinking like this.

He has gone wrong. Not you

I know your right but does make you think all the effort u put it was just a waste. Marriage to me was commitment till death and working hard to make life beautiful yet all the hard work and my life has fallen apart

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 13/12/2024 17:05

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 17:01

Feel like I could never trust anyone ever again

Show quote history

You will sweetheart.

This is all a huge shock for you but when you're feeling stronger, take time for just you, figure out who you are outside of being a wife and mum. Work out what you want your life to look like. Look after you. ❤️

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 17:05

Throwing over 20 years for Snapchat messages who would of thought

OP posts:
Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 17:06

Fannyfiggs · 13/12/2024 17:05

You will sweetheart.

This is all a huge shock for you but when you're feeling stronger, take time for just you, figure out who you are outside of being a wife and mum. Work out what you want your life to look like. Look after you. ❤️

Show quote history

Awww thank you x

OP posts:
diddl · 13/12/2024 17:06

Apologise for what?

You don't have to meet him/send anyone else to.

He doesn't have to know about the fake account.

You don't need proof of anything.

He's abusive, that's more than enough for you to want to leave & to do so.

You could leave for any reason or for no reason.

Try not to dwell on the whys & wherefores of it all.

Just move forward with your decision to leave in a way that works for you and is safe for you.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 13/12/2024 17:10

OP please get professional advice before you do anything. I get the enticement of turning up to meet him and the various other suggestions. But this is real life with a man with a history of abuse. Do not do anything to put yourself and your children in danger. Talk to Women's Aid and get advice on how to end the relationship safely.