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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s cheating! Caught him out shocked!

684 replies

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 14:51

Hi everyone this is my first post so please be easy with me. I’ve been married for 20 years to dh and have 5 beautiful kids. Our relationship like everyone else had its ups and downs yet we stuck together through it all. If u ask if im happy I would say im secure and now made this life which is fine. Last few years have been tough as seeing changes with dh for example not answering my calls, staying out late and just generally not giving me much attention. Our sex life doesn’t exsist which doesn’t bother him and to be fair I didn’t make a big deal due to him feeling embarrassed about his ed.
I had been having a feeling he might be cheating but I tried ignore this and try carry on with our lives. He’s very protective and feel like he would question everything to me but I’m very laid back and just let him be which could be my fault.
last week I don’t know what made me do this but I seen his Snapchat pop up a few times and he just kinda ignore it and turned phone over which I found weird. I went and made a fake account and added him to it( what was I thinking) I don’t even know why I did it but the feeling just kept coming to do this. Anyway after a few hours he added me and said hello. I said hello back and he asked me where I was from so I kinda just went with it and made up a character. He then asked me for a picture and he sent his picture straight away. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no he’s divorce with no kids!!!! Wtf!!! I was shaking and just logged out. He came home from work like normal and I just carried on like normal. I don’t know what do with this information? I can’t confront him as I’m terrified about breaking up my family yet I can’t go on like this knowing he is doing this crap. He’s sent a message today saying let’s meet up wtf! I’m such a mug! I don’t even have the balls to confront him as he will turn this on me

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
PurpleFlower1983 · 13/12/2024 23:19

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 23:04

He’s home in 10 mins so I’m going have to go. Will u all be on tomorow? Just wanna say a big thanks to you all for spending you time to reply to me and give me all the advice. I take everything kn board and one thing I’ve learnt today is that it was never my fault and I deserve better x

Just catching up but amen to this post. Good men are out there, he’s not one of them.

Tahlbias · 13/12/2024 23:20

Please, please, don't let him break your spirit any more than he has done. I hope you're able to get out soon xx

Garlicwest · 13/12/2024 23:22

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 23:04

He’s home in 10 mins so I’m going have to go. Will u all be on tomorow? Just wanna say a big thanks to you all for spending you time to reply to me and give me all the advice. I take everything kn board and one thing I’ve learnt today is that it was never my fault and I deserve better x

It was never your fault!

You deserve better, of course you do. Everybody deserves better than this, and you've shown nothing but love & patience. You and your children will be so much happier when you can pour all that love & care into yourself and your new life Flowers

Well done for coming so far so quickly. I think something in you must have finally said "enough" and that's why you did the Snapchat. To give yourself a push.

I'm so relieved your mum's been waiting for you all this time. Easy to see where you got your love & patience from!

Imapebble · 13/12/2024 23:22

I've not RTFT but I've scanned through and have read all of your replies so far OP. You'll probably miss alot of the good advice from previous posters if you continue to post every 2-3 minutes.. I understand you're going through something awful but honestly you're coming across quite immature and I don't believe for a second you will leave this man so I won't try and help with advice as I don't think that's what you're here for. But best wishes moving forward

cjcghana · 13/12/2024 23:24

Imapebble · 13/12/2024 23:22

I've not RTFT but I've scanned through and have read all of your replies so far OP. You'll probably miss alot of the good advice from previous posters if you continue to post every 2-3 minutes.. I understand you're going through something awful but honestly you're coming across quite immature and I don't believe for a second you will leave this man so I won't try and help with advice as I don't think that's what you're here for. But best wishes moving forward

👍🏼😆

Joystir59 · 13/12/2024 23:38

You really deserve better than this, and I hope and pray you take all of the excellent advice on here and make your escape from this abusive man.

Nat6999 · 13/12/2024 23:45

If he is skiving off work, ring work to speak to him, then you can ask him where he was when he should have been at work. Don't you leave, he should be leaving, hang fire & see a solicitor, get the ball rolling & present him with the divorce papers. Create a support network, someone big enough to act as a bodyguard, someone who can talk you down when your head is in a mess, someone to listen, someone to make you laugh, someone who is practical & can help you navigate life as a single parent, a good solicitor. Get your ducks in a row, find everything financial, get things like birth certificates, passports, driving licence etc, open a bank account in your name & get everything paid into it, take half of the joint bank account, get cash back every time you go shopping & stash in your own account. I know you are hurt & angry, but play the long game, keep your powder dry & take time to build up good evidence, don't give him a chance to either wriggle out of this or bring you down to his level.

Aquestionneeded · 13/12/2024 23:51

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 18:48

I feel so sneaky doing all this! Honestly I can’t believe I did a fake Snapchat lol who would of though ehyyy

You did it because your suspicions were raised for over a year and unfortunately you hoped they would be unfounded, but they weren't. You wanted proof that it couldn't be true unfortunately it is.

It's now irrelevant how you came to make the fake account. One of your colleagues, friends, family have said he's on there!? .You don't need to justify yourself, make up a story until you can leave.

Aquestionneeded · 14/12/2024 00:26

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 22:43

Very true I do everything in the house. He even calls me up to pas him the remote or he sometimes purposely starts telling me look for something the minute I sit to eat. Do u think I don’t see this? Of course I do but I’m not strong like u guys I created a monster myself

Show quote history

No. You did not create this monster., he is a monster. The fact you made him this way is a story he would have you believe. YOU DID NOT!! . Don't doubt yourself. You are doing the right thing in leaving.

He has treated you very badly physically. Please take PPs advice on how to leave this man safely and quickly.

isthatmyage · 14/12/2024 00:27

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 23:06

To all the people that managed get out of a bad situation I respect you so much and you really are some brave people. I hope I have the strength to follow in your footsteps x

OP I did...and you will too, you will find a way xxx

Poopsiepop · 14/12/2024 00:34

Oh my god you have to meet him

ReginaTucker · 14/12/2024 00:37

HOLD UP!!!!
I’ve a horrid feeling that if you set an account up on Snapchat & it’s a number saved in someone’s phone, no matter what alias you are using, they will know it’s your number!!!!
I know this as I did something similar to see who my daughter was talking to. “Mummy’s phone” suddenly appeared as the random alias!!

What I’m saying is - he might & probably does know it’s you!!!!!!

ReginaTucker · 14/12/2024 00:38

@Stunnershaz please read my earlier post!! I’m worried this nasty piece of work will know it’s you!!!
Sending you strength to find the right way out of this

Pinkpurpletulips · 14/12/2024 00:44

Perhaps the people giving OP dangerous advice to meet up with him haven't noticed the comment about her having a scar on her arm from when he burnt her deliberately when he was "stressed". He sounds like a very dangerous man to annoy.

Bigcat25 · 14/12/2024 01:06

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 22:59

Two weeks ago I was wearing a T-shirt and he come sat next to me and my scare was showing on my arm and he goes what’s that. I looked at him and said it was the iron and for the rest of the day he gave me silent treatment as I did something wrong. He was annoyed that I brought it up.

What a moron he is. He brought it up not you.

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2024 01:10

NoNoNona · 13/12/2024 18:33

How about writing proper English, so that the older generation can understand what you are asking?
But string him along and surprise - along I am far too old to bother with that.
However, if he has ED, and you both sound young, go down the get healthy route, if the spark is still there.

Speak for yourself (or don't speak at all)

I followed her perfectly easily.

And she needs advice not criticism

swimsong · 14/12/2024 01:30

MissMoneyFairy · 13/12/2024 15:03

Keep m3ssaging then send a friend of yours he doesnt know to meet him or arrange to meet him then stand him up, ask him how his evening went when he gets home early. Why didn't he just send a selfie, seems weird he hasn't got a photo of just himself.

I'd guess that he's knocked his age down a bit and the photo is a flattering one from 5 or 10 years ago.

Maggispice · 14/12/2024 03:03

Ask him about his ex-wife. How long where they together for, why didn't he have kids, why did they divorce, are they still in touch, does she try to reach out to him etc. Cos he could turn round and say he knew it was you but if he bad mouths his ex-wife it'll be more difficult.

ThatsCute · 14/12/2024 06:41

@Stunnershaz lean into your mum—she is ready and willing to support you. You likely will also need an organization with experience in helping women in your situation—they have the experience and know-how. Women’s Aid is a good option.

He LITERALLY BRANDED YOUR ARM and gets you to continue to apologise for his actions on that day.

Zanatdy · 14/12/2024 07:49

You sound like a lovely person OP and I pray that you find the strength to leave this cheating abuser.

EdithBond · 14/12/2024 07:55

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 23:04

He’s home in 10 mins so I’m going have to go. Will u all be on tomorow? Just wanna say a big thanks to you all for spending you time to reply to me and give me all the advice. I take everything kn board and one thing I’ve learnt today is that it was never my fault and I deserve better x

Morning @Stunnershaz I hope you slept OK. I’ll be checking the thread today. The way he’s treated you is very wrong. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, physical, emotional and financial abuse, as well as controlling behaviour, is unlawful and never justified. You certainly deserve better and you will get better. This is the first day of the rest of your life, which you can live for you and the kids. Hold your head high. Baby steps.

Imagine your life without the fear and servitude you currently live with. Even your kids have said you do too much for him and they’ve grown up with it. Be very careful about your safety. Speak to Women’s Aid and a family law solicitor first, who specialises in domestic abuse. I advise a woman solicitor. Try to find a way to stay in your home for now if you can and feel safe to do so, as that’ll make it much easier to manage on your own, as no big change needed. You should be entitled to universal credit towards the bills until you can get a job. The job centre can help you.

His control has made you feel you can’t do anything yourself and frightened to end the relationship. It’s really common. But you can. You’ve single-handedly brought up five kids and run a household for 20 years. Most people would struggle with that. He could never do it. You’re much stronger than him.

PositivePorpoisePeople · 14/12/2024 07:59

Hope you are ok OP.

Stay strong. You can do this. It will be a tough year or so but once you are through the worst of it you can live free. 💐
m

CleverTealPeer · 14/12/2024 08:02

Hi, a really small suggestion in the scheme of things, if you eventually want to expose how this all came about, post
yourself the screenshots with an 'anonymous' note saying 'thought you should know what your husband is up to, he is disgusting' or something like that. Will mean he can't deflect with what you have done, sounds like he will try that. Thinking of you and sending you every strength to escape and build an amazing life, you deserve it xx

PositivePorpoisePeople · 14/12/2024 08:03

CleverTealPeer · 14/12/2024 08:02

Hi, a really small suggestion in the scheme of things, if you eventually want to expose how this all came about, post
yourself the screenshots with an 'anonymous' note saying 'thought you should know what your husband is up to, he is disgusting' or something like that. Will mean he can't deflect with what you have done, sounds like he will try that. Thinking of you and sending you every strength to escape and build an amazing life, you deserve it xx

Edited

I think he might be too dangerous to confront. I think the OP needs to be very careful of her own safety.

CleverTealPeer · 14/12/2024 08:09

PositivePorpoisePeople · 14/12/2024 08:03

I think he might be too dangerous to confront. I think the OP needs to be very careful of her own safety.

Show quote history

Hi, 100% agree. Just not sure how this part won't come out so my suggestion was to limit the danger if she does go down this route. I was fearing the Snapchat stuff coming out and how he might/will react. The whole thing is so much bigger than the Snapchat exposure....