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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s cheating! Caught him out shocked!

684 replies

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 14:51

Hi everyone this is my first post so please be easy with me. I’ve been married for 20 years to dh and have 5 beautiful kids. Our relationship like everyone else had its ups and downs yet we stuck together through it all. If u ask if im happy I would say im secure and now made this life which is fine. Last few years have been tough as seeing changes with dh for example not answering my calls, staying out late and just generally not giving me much attention. Our sex life doesn’t exsist which doesn’t bother him and to be fair I didn’t make a big deal due to him feeling embarrassed about his ed.
I had been having a feeling he might be cheating but I tried ignore this and try carry on with our lives. He’s very protective and feel like he would question everything to me but I’m very laid back and just let him be which could be my fault.
last week I don’t know what made me do this but I seen his Snapchat pop up a few times and he just kinda ignore it and turned phone over which I found weird. I went and made a fake account and added him to it( what was I thinking) I don’t even know why I did it but the feeling just kept coming to do this. Anyway after a few hours he added me and said hello. I said hello back and he asked me where I was from so I kinda just went with it and made up a character. He then asked me for a picture and he sent his picture straight away. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no he’s divorce with no kids!!!! Wtf!!! I was shaking and just logged out. He came home from work like normal and I just carried on like normal. I don’t know what do with this information? I can’t confront him as I’m terrified about breaking up my family yet I can’t go on like this knowing he is doing this crap. He’s sent a message today saying let’s meet up wtf! I’m such a mug! I don’t even have the balls to confront him as he will turn this on me

OP posts:
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6
AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2024 22:52

@Stunnershaz

No. You didn't 'create' the monster. He already was one. He just managed to keep the monster hidden until he had you hooked. And being the good person you are, you thought that love conquers all and that your love would conquer the monster and change it to a pussycat. But that never happens.

You may think you aren't strong. But you are. You know that if something threatened your children you would fight with all the strength of 1000 armies. So all you need is just a little bit of those 1000 armies to fight for yourself. Because fighting for yourself IS fighting for your children. And your children, all children, deserve a happy and fear free mum.

PS if my DH ever called me to pass him the remote, I'd pass it so far up his arse that he'd be able to push the buttons with his appendix.

The house you're in isn't the only house in the world. You can find another house. And remember that you can be happier in a tiny bed sit in peace and calm than in a mansion if that mansion contains an abusive man.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 22:52

I can lift my head high and say I was a good wife to him. Why couldn’t he show me the same respect?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 22:54

honestly I don’t think I was over the abuse. I tried shut it out like a bad dream but it’s there and because he doesn’t acknowledge it I feel like I’m going crazy.
he hurt me and hurt me bad! There I’ve said it wow feels like a burden lifted off me

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2024 22:56

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 22:52

I can lift my head high and say I was a good wife to him. Why couldn’t he show me the same respect?

Why doesn't matter, love. The fact is that he doesn't and that's all there is to it.

I'm old and I've seen more than most people ever will. And I'm telling you that he will never change and you will grow more and more unhappy. Don't do this to yourself.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 22:56

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2024 22:56

Why doesn't matter, love. The fact is that he doesn't and that's all there is to it.

I'm old and I've seen more than most people ever will. And I'm telling you that he will never change and you will grow more and more unhappy. Don't do this to yourself.

Show quote history

I understand hun x

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 13/12/2024 22:56

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 21:50

Ok terms of the iron, so basically I was ironing his shirts and he came downstairs in a foul mood. He started saying that my ironing wasn’t up to his standard and that he sick of the way I do the collars, I kept quiet as I knew he was in a mood and he come close and said why I was ignoring him. I told him I didn’t wanna argue and I will go over the shirts he didn’t like. He then started shouting saying why would I need do this if I did it right at beginning, I started crying which made him more mad and he got the iron to my arm. I still have a scar. I screamed in pain and he just hugged me and said say sorry and let’s drop it. So I apologised and that was end of that never spoken about it again x

You need to leave. This is a really vile, abusive, dangerous bully.

What a complete and utter scrote.

You deserve far better than to live with this violent toe rag.

Dotty87 · 13/12/2024 22:57

His abuse is unforgivable, you don't have to get over it. He won't thank you for it, your forgiveness won't make him a better person. He treats you this way because he can, it's who he is and that won't change.

oakleaffy · 13/12/2024 22:58

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 22:52

I can lift my head high and say I was a good wife to him. Why couldn’t he show me the same respect?

Because he's incapable of love.

He's a nasty little violent bully.

Please get out of this sick trap.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 22:59

Two weeks ago I was wearing a T-shirt and he come sat next to me and my scare was showing on my arm and he goes what’s that. I looked at him and said it was the iron and for the rest of the day he gave me silent treatment as I did something wrong. He was annoyed that I brought it up.

OP posts:
PositivePorpoisePeople · 13/12/2024 22:59

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 22:54

honestly I don’t think I was over the abuse. I tried shut it out like a bad dream but it’s there and because he doesn’t acknowledge it I feel like I’m going crazy.
he hurt me and hurt me bad! There I’ve said it wow feels like a burden lifted off me

The abuse hasn’t stopped. Putting off your mum. Cheating on you. Complaining about pots in the sink when you are ill is emotional abuse. He’s vile and he doesn’t love you - not because you are unloveable - but because he’s not capable of it.

Atinybird · 13/12/2024 22:59

This realisation leaves you in shock. You feel like you never knew the person you are married to and It is hard to make the decision to leave the life you have built, not knowing how your life will change. Try to focus on the fact that he never respected you and that he won’t change.
Read Pat Cravens Freedom Programme, you will recognise your husband in this book. Please be careful when planning your next steps. This type of abuser is most dangerous when they realise they have lost control over you. I wish you well, whatever you decide to do.x

cjcghana · 13/12/2024 23:00

Something is feeling a bit off about this thread...

PositivePorpoisePeople · 13/12/2024 23:00

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 22:59

Two weeks ago I was wearing a T-shirt and he come sat next to me and my scare was showing on my arm and he goes what’s that. I looked at him and said it was the iron and for the rest of the day he gave me silent treatment as I did something wrong. He was annoyed that I brought it up.

He’s a psychopath.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 23:01

I know he’s embarrassed about what he did to me but it still doesn’t feel right that he makes it out like it was because of my attitude. I can put hand on heart and tell you I’ve never raised my voice to this man and showed him respect at all times

OP posts:
Catoo · 13/12/2024 23:02

AlwaysLookForward · 13/12/2024 22:49

^
This

Show quote history

Absolutely not this.
This man is violent.

Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 23:04

He’s home in 10 mins so I’m going have to go. Will u all be on tomorow? Just wanna say a big thanks to you all for spending you time to reply to me and give me all the advice. I take everything kn board and one thing I’ve learnt today is that it was never my fault and I deserve better x

OP posts:
Original poster
Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 23:06

To all the people that managed get out of a bad situation I respect you so much and you really are some brave people. I hope I have the strength to follow in your footsteps x

OP posts:
PositivePorpoisePeople · 13/12/2024 23:06

Hang in there.

BeAzureAnt · 13/12/2024 23:07

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 22:52

I can lift my head high and say I was a good wife to him. Why couldn’t he show me the same respect?

Because he isn't emotionally capable of doing so. You need to get a game plan and leave him.

MColllo · 13/12/2024 23:09

I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before, but reading your post compelled me to respond.

You need to remove yourself from this abusive relationship and reach out to Women’s Aid for support. It’s also crucial to speak with a professional to get the help you need. Engaging in games on Snapchat isn’t going to improve the situation, and it sounds like you’re hesitant to confront him. Not only is he being mentally abusive, but physically abusive as well. I strongly urge you to leave this situation and get to safety as soon as possible.

BeAzureAnt · 13/12/2024 23:10

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 23:06

To all the people that managed get out of a bad situation I respect you so much and you really are some brave people. I hope I have the strength to follow in your footsteps x

You do. My first partner was emotionally abusive and I left him. Hard at first, but now I have a decent husband and life is so different and so very much better. Changes started when I began to love and value myself. You can do this.

BeAzureAnt · 13/12/2024 23:11

MColllo · 13/12/2024 23:09

I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before, but reading your post compelled me to respond.

You need to remove yourself from this abusive relationship and reach out to Women’s Aid for support. It’s also crucial to speak with a professional to get the help you need. Engaging in games on Snapchat isn’t going to improve the situation, and it sounds like you’re hesitant to confront him. Not only is he being mentally abusive, but physically abusive as well. I strongly urge you to leave this situation and get to safety as soon as possible.

Well said.

BeAzureAnt · 13/12/2024 23:12

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 23:01

I know he’s embarrassed about what he did to me but it still doesn’t feel right that he makes it out like it was because of my attitude. I can put hand on heart and tell you I’ve never raised my voice to this man and showed him respect at all times

Oh, OP. No "attitude" justifies the physical violence and the cheating. He's gaslighting you.

M3rryXmasEveryone · 13/12/2024 23:15

Your braver than you think OP.

I don't mean to worry you but it might be worth asking for this thread to be deleted. If he was to read it on here for any reason he would be able to identify it's you and possibly make things hard for you. Take care x

Dotty87 · 13/12/2024 23:15

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 23:01

I know he’s embarrassed about what he did to me but it still doesn’t feel right that he makes it out like it was because of my attitude. I can put hand on heart and tell you I’ve never raised my voice to this man and showed him respect at all times

He isn't embarrassed, he's expecting to do whatever he likes and that you'll
Instantly let it go. He just doesn't like the implication that he's not a good person, that's what he's angry about, he needs to maintain his good guy image.

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