He’s cheating! Caught him out shocked!

[Stunnershaz]

Hi everyone this is my first post so please be easy with me. I’ve been married for 20 years to dh and have 5 beautiful kids. Our relationship like everyone else had its ups and downs yet we stuck together through it all. If u ask if im happy I would say im secure and now made this life which is fine. Last few years have been tough as seeing changes with dh for example not answering my calls, staying out late and just generally not giving me much attention. Our sex life doesn’t exsist which doesn’t bother him and to be fair I didn’t make a big deal due to him feeling embarrassed about his ed.
I had been having a feeling he might be cheating but I tried ignore this and try carry on with our lives. He’s very protective and feel like he would question everything to me but I’m very laid back and just let him be which could be my fault.
last week I don’t know what made me do this but I seen his Snapchat pop up a few times and he just kinda ignore it and turned phone over which I found weird. I went and made a fake account and added him to it( what was I thinking) I don’t even know why I did it but the feeling just kept coming to do this. Anyway after a few hours he added me and said hello. I said hello back and he asked me where I was from so I kinda just went with it and made up a character. He then asked me for a picture and he sent his picture straight away. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no he’s divorce with no kids!!!! Wtf!!! I was shaking and just logged out. He came home from work like normal and I just carried on like normal. I don’t know what do with this information? I can’t confront him as I’m terrified about breaking up my family yet I can’t go on like this knowing he is doing this crap. He’s sent a message today saying let’s meet up wtf! I’m such a mug! I don’t even have the balls to confront him as he will turn this on me

More evidence of coercion. I hope you have some text/WhatsApp evidence of these suggestions.

OP you haven’t answered about Snapchat.

Snapchat is tied to your phone number and shows your location. So if you put it on your phone then he would know who you are, and where you are. Which if this is all true would be very worrying indeed.

I’ve unlinked the Snapchat from old phone number and added a fake email instead so I’ve doubled checked this

Also location is switched off

Just messaged him and told him if he could sleep in spare room as I’m ill and don’t want him catch it since he’s got a busy week ahead. He’s agreed and said good idea so gives him a good chance to cheat on me more I guess

In the kindest way possible, who cares why he’s cheating? He’s an arsehole who has physically, emotionally and financially abused you. It is now time to plan to leave.

Please delete all of the Snapchat.
You have enough reasons to leave him and I think you’re starting to realise how much you’ve buried. And your children will know it isn’t a great relationship and he’s not a kind man.

See your mum tomorrow but don’t tell her too much if you think she’ll confront him.

💐

When I spoke to my mum she could tell in my voice something was up and she goes I’m been waiting for this phone call for a long time and I just dismissed it and said oh it’s nothing just wanted see you

This is extremely, extremely bad OP.

I’ve had depression (twice). I’ve managed not to burn anyone’s arm or push my family against walls during those depressions. Because I’m a decent human being who isn’t violent towards other human beings.

Please don’t minimise just how bad this man is. He is dangerous.

The hair drag was all because he was in a vile mood and decided that my son couldn’t go to a birthday party. I stood in hall way trying explain he was excited and I could drop him off and he could rest if it’s easier which made him mad that I suggested that so got me by my hair into the bedroom and told me not underestimate him. I once again apologised he let go and that was end of that

I let some many things slide as he was depressed and he said I didn’t make it easier for him at the time

Please make absolutely certain you change the passcode on your phone. Disable thumbprint recognition so he can’t use it when you’re asleep. Abusers are at their most dangerous when they realise you’re going to leave.

Will do but never gone through my phone as he knows I wouldn’t dare do anything

@Stunnershaz is your mum coming over still or you are going to make an excuse to your mum not to come over now ?
Would I hell.

Infact why can’t you go to her house. ? Are you allowed out ?

the truth is maybe I wanted him cheat and leave me

I will have to make an excuse for her not come over as it will cause him stress and will take it out on me. I will message her to say I will visit her when he is out

He’s ground you down but he will soon realise HE has underestimated YOU. This Snapchat thing is a wake up call.

Holy hell OP. Don't play games with this abusive and violent man. Whatever you decide to do, get your mum's support and keep yourself safe. That behaviour would have been enough for a restraining order. Get all your personal documents organised and out of harms way. Please look after yourself and be safe. Call women's aid if you can 🌷

@Stunnershaz

the truth is maybe I wanted him cheat and leave me

And that's fine. But you need to realize that men like that NEVER LEAVE. Why should they when you are basically 'staff' and keep his life running smoothly. Why should he leave and have to cook his own food, wash his own pants, clean up after himself, and parent his own children? Or have to pay someone else to do all that when you're doing it for free? Face it, he's living the bachelor life (cheating) AND the 'family man' life at the same time!

Well, I guess I should caveat that if a man like that ever does leave, it's usually for a 'younger model'. So, do you want to continue on the way things are only to have him dump you for a 20-something when you're a 50- or 60-something?

If he won't leave, then you'll have to. And you should. He's abusive. And abuse escalates, especially if they feel you slipping out of their grasp. So you need to work hard to make things appear as normal as possible. Remember that you're doing so for yourself, not for him.

And stop the game playing with SnapChat. What purpose does it serve? You know he cheats and you know you want out. Even if he wasn't cheating you should still want out.

What you need to do now is 'go stealth'. Talk to your mum and hold nothing back. See a solicitor, even if you have to beg, borrow, or steal the money. Find out what you can expect in the way of settlement, the house, and child maintenance. You MUST educate yourself as to what divorce may mean to you. Getting educated doesn't mean you have to file now, it just means you know your position. Forewarned is forearmed.

Very true I do everything in the house. He even calls me up to pas him the remote or he sometimes purposely starts telling me look for something the minute I sit to eat. Do u think I don’t see this? Of course I do but I’m not strong like u guys I created a monster myself

@Stunnershaz Yes, you are strong enough. It takes a lot to survive domestic abuse for so long. And, from what you’ve described, he’s been controlling, physically, emotionally and financially abusive to you for years. By the sounds of it, you’ve been his domestic servant for years. What man burns someone for not ironing his shirts correctly or complains there are three plates in the sink when his partner is ill? So, you are very strong.

But you must get advice and think of your safety. When you speak to a solicitor (hopefully next week), let them know you’ve been experiencing domestic abuse for years. I’m no expert, but I believe when it’s a domestic abuse case, you’re more likely to get legally-aidable advice, and you may have more entitlements for you and the children to remain in your home, rather than you having to move out and have to accommodate five teenage kids.

But, once free of his control, you’ll have a much more peaceful life. You’ll be the same as now (doing everything at home) but without his enormous control.

It may be your best option for you and the kids to remain in your home, as long as you feel safe there. But you must seek legal advice before making any decisions. He could dig his heels in and refuse to leave.

Where did we go wrong? I could tell you that we had kids all small age gap which brought stress on him and made him work even harder at work and left me picking up everything at home. I wanted to work but he use to laugh and say no one would employ me. All the burden of the financial side of things were on him which I could understand it been hard and supporting 5 kids

^
This

I felt guilty I wasn’t providing for the family so I made sure everything was perfect for him at home. He was really looked after and I made sure dinner was made house was spotless and he had time to relax but no one thought of maybe giving me a break too. Looking after 5 kids all day while doing all the chores

plenty of men are under stress and don’t ever lay a hand on their wife. He is a bad man. He is an abuser. 100%. Don’t stay with him but be VERY careful about how and when you leave.

I could never afford the house I’m in. It’s paid off but couldn’t afford bills on my own