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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s cheating! Caught him out shocked!

684 replies

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 14:51

Hi everyone this is my first post so please be easy with me. I’ve been married for 20 years to dh and have 5 beautiful kids. Our relationship like everyone else had its ups and downs yet we stuck together through it all. If u ask if im happy I would say im secure and now made this life which is fine. Last few years have been tough as seeing changes with dh for example not answering my calls, staying out late and just generally not giving me much attention. Our sex life doesn’t exsist which doesn’t bother him and to be fair I didn’t make a big deal due to him feeling embarrassed about his ed.
I had been having a feeling he might be cheating but I tried ignore this and try carry on with our lives. He’s very protective and feel like he would question everything to me but I’m very laid back and just let him be which could be my fault.
last week I don’t know what made me do this but I seen his Snapchat pop up a few times and he just kinda ignore it and turned phone over which I found weird. I went and made a fake account and added him to it( what was I thinking) I don’t even know why I did it but the feeling just kept coming to do this. Anyway after a few hours he added me and said hello. I said hello back and he asked me where I was from so I kinda just went with it and made up a character. He then asked me for a picture and he sent his picture straight away. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no he’s divorce with no kids!!!! Wtf!!! I was shaking and just logged out. He came home from work like normal and I just carried on like normal. I don’t know what do with this information? I can’t confront him as I’m terrified about breaking up my family yet I can’t go on like this knowing he is doing this crap. He’s sent a message today saying let’s meet up wtf! I’m such a mug! I don’t even have the balls to confront him as he will turn this on me

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
BellaCiaoBellaCiao · 13/12/2024 20:45

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 19:59

I’m going list down what he has done so you guys know exactly what’s happened. Bare in mind he was in depression mode:-
he’s pushed me against a wall, pulled me by the hair into the bedroom, twisted my fingers, pinned me down on bed, slapped me 3 times and also burnt my arm with the iron. Sounds bad but he wasn’t right in head and I still stood with him through them times x

That’s horrendous! He’s a complete cunt. As another post said, please keep yourself safe.
Sending you a big hug!

TotteringonGently · 13/12/2024 20:45

EdithBond · 13/12/2024 19:43

@Stunnershaz I’m so sorry you’ve had the shock of finding out such deceit.

While the fake account has helped confirm your instinct was correct, I wouldn’t keep responding on there. If he found out, he could report you (for using someone else’s photo). If you must send a friend to spy if he arrives for a meet up, for goodness sake make sure they don’t let him see them.

Get advice from Women’s Aid but adding my voice to others here, that if you feel safe (because he doesn’t know you know or are planning to leave) it may be best to stay there until you’ve sought legal advice, gathered all the information you can on his finances and weighed up your opinions. I believe teens under 18 get to choose which parent they live with and how often they see the other parent. So, be aware that if you move out, there’s a risk the kids may prefer to stay in their home (i.e. with their dad). Better to stay until you’ve figured out your best option. You may be able to remain in your home with your kids. But only stay if you feel safe.

Feigning illness is a good way to disguise your shock and hurt. Say you feel like you’re getting the flu and you have sore eyes (in case he notices if you’ve been crying). Lots of viruses going around right now last a few weeks, so may help you get through Xmas. Don’t have a drink if it might lead to you blurting it out to him.

Again, get advice from Women’s Aid. But for safety reasons, while you remain in the same house, be very careful who you tell if they know him. If you tell your mum, are you 100% sure she won’t get funny with him, blurt something out to him or tell someone who might tell someone else who knows him? If she might, just tell your mum you’re not happy with him, rather than the entire story.

If you’re not great with technology and he pays for your phone, ask someone tech savvy for advice (hopefully someone on here) on whether he can check your location, search history etc. Do you have security cameras in the house? I strongly advise setting up a new bank account for yourself if you don’t have one and getting a new phone if he pays the bill on your current one, both registered to your mum’s address for now perhaps.

Much better to make a planned move. But if you feel at all unsafe, listen to your instinct and leave immediately. So have an emergency bag packed and with your mum/a friend (with your important documents etc if he won’t notice them missing). Good luck!

This is such great advice. I am seriously worried about the amount of people egging on the op to surprise him where she has specified that he has previously been violent. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves her abusive partner!

OP, please stay safe, he might be stringing you along and he migt not but only you can know how he will react when you do tell him you're leaving. Get ducks in a row and do phone women's aid for advice. Don't do anything to put yourself at risk, there is no possession in the world worth your safety.

PositivePorpoisePeople · 13/12/2024 20:48

EdithBond · 13/12/2024 20:04

That’s serious violence. There is no justification. Lots of people suffer depression and don’t get violent. If this is what he’s capable of when he loses control, please put your safety first and be very careful how you proceed.

Don’t screen shot the messages he’s sent you on to your phone as they may appear on the backup cloud. Get someone you trust to take a photo of them on their phone. Not that you need any evidence of cheating for a divorce.

Show quote history

Oh god. How would you know if your phone backs up to a cloud?

oakleaffy · 13/12/2024 20:50

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 19:59

I’m going list down what he has done so you guys know exactly what’s happened. Bare in mind he was in depression mode:-
he’s pushed me against a wall, pulled me by the hair into the bedroom, twisted my fingers, pinned me down on bed, slapped me 3 times and also burnt my arm with the iron. Sounds bad but he wasn’t right in head and I still stood with him through them times x

My Goodness, @Stunnershaz He's an absolute arsehole.

No, scotch that...an arsehole at least has uses...He's a complete scrote.
No matter how 'Depressed' he was, there is ZERO excuse for his violence.

Burned your arm with an iron??

That's serious assault.

When I was a kid in a Day nursery, there was another little girl there who was African heritage.
She had on her arm a scarred, crinkled shield shaped scar, many centimetres long.

She said 'an iron fell on me'.

Of course it didn't.

That innocent little girl had had an iron pressed onto her skin.
I just hope that she got skin grafts in time.

You need to leave this vile man.

PositivePorpoisePeople · 13/12/2024 20:51

OP that is really serious violence. I’m now very worried for your safety. Phone Womens Aid next time he’s out. You poor thing. I hope the children didn’t witness any of that. What an awful awful man. You will be well shot of him.

Don’t mess around with trying to catch him out on SC any more. Play the dutiful wife and keep him sweet until you can leave safely. I’m tempted to say just leave with your mum tomorrow.

When did he last lose his temper with you/anyone?

PositivePorpoisePeople · 13/12/2024 20:53

Many people live with depression or much more complex mental health issues, most wouldn’t behave in such violent ways. He’s a monster.

BrendaSmall · 13/12/2024 20:57

Make a date to meet, say next Saturday, and then mid week tell him you’re going out Saturday and you’ll need him to stay home with the children and see his reaction!!

BigAnne · 13/12/2024 21:00

BrendaSmall · 13/12/2024 20:57

Make a date to meet, say next Saturday, and then mid week tell him you’re going out Saturday and you’ll need him to stay home with the children and see his reaction!!

Good God, this guy's a sadistic bustard. This is dangerous advice to give

BigAnne · 13/12/2024 21:00

BigAnne · 13/12/2024 21:00

Good God, this guy's a sadistic bustard. This is dangerous advice to give

Show quote history

*bastard

whathaveiforgotten · 13/12/2024 21:06

BrendaSmall · 13/12/2024 20:57

Make a date to meet, say next Saturday, and then mid week tell him you’re going out Saturday and you’ll need him to stay home with the children and see his reaction!!

This man has previously burned her with an iron, among other serious abuse.

So this suggestion is ridiculously dangerous.

AnnieCoverack · 13/12/2024 21:12

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 18:58

Good idea! Will ask him few days if I can put few stuff in there. He’s very discreet with the code so will probably get it off me and do it in his time

Show quote history

If you have anything of value, deposit it in a bank safe in your own name. Squirrel away money. Buy expensive clothes, return them, put the cash in a bank account in your own name online. Change all your passwords. Data breach - you’ve had to change them all.

Nestnearlyempty · 13/12/2024 21:15

Please be careful. He sounds nasty. AND- if there is any way you can stay in the house and kick him out please do that as going through a divorce is tough enough. Obviously if it’s not safe for you to stay then leave but if you can get him out and change locks do that.

Nestnearlyempty · 13/12/2024 21:17

PositivePorpoisePeople · 13/12/2024 20:48

Oh god. How would you know if your phone backs up to a cloud?

Show quote history

Most do. Certainly on Apple. But you need the password to retrieve so if you’ve changed all your passwords then you should be ok.

AnnieCoverack · 13/12/2024 21:18

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 19:12

He’s just sent me his number and said add him on watsapp what now??????

Tell him you don’t give out your WhatsApp number to strangers for safety reasons.

AnnieCoverack · 13/12/2024 21:22

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 19:59

I’m going list down what he has done so you guys know exactly what’s happened. Bare in mind he was in depression mode:-
he’s pushed me against a wall, pulled me by the hair into the bedroom, twisted my fingers, pinned me down on bed, slapped me 3 times and also burnt my arm with the iron. Sounds bad but he wasn’t right in head and I still stood with him through them times x

He has a job? Did he push his boss? Twist the CEO’s fingers? This has nothing to do with mental illness and everything to do with control. He’s an abuser. Contact Women’s Aid on chat, there’s a way of hiding the chat. They can advise you and won’t tell you what to do.

BeAzureAnt · 13/12/2024 21:25

OP, I just read about the past violence against you. As a previous poster said, call Women’s Aid and take their advice. No one has the right to assault you. I don’t care if he was depressed, upset, whatever. He has no right to hit you or burn you with an iron.

BrendaSmall · 13/12/2024 21:27

BigAnne · 13/12/2024 21:00

Good God, this guy's a sadistic bustard. This is dangerous advice to give

Show quote history

I didn’t say go and meet him, I said to tell him that she’s going out and see what he says,

LookADuck · 13/12/2024 21:28

Stunnershaz · 13/12/2024 19:59

I’m going list down what he has done so you guys know exactly what’s happened. Bare in mind he was in depression mode:-
he’s pushed me against a wall, pulled me by the hair into the bedroom, twisted my fingers, pinned me down on bed, slapped me 3 times and also burnt my arm with the iron. Sounds bad but he wasn’t right in head and I still stood with him through them times x

OP please stay safe and ignore any advice telling you to wind him up or keep up the fake Snap conversations. Try to think of it this way: if one of your children came to you when they've grown up and said their partner had done even one of these things, would you make excuses for their partner?

When you live with an abuser for long enough it's very common to feel you deserve it on some level, excuse their behaviour with things like mental health, and trivialise the things they do to you. That's not your fault. It's his. But you deserve better and for your own safety you need to get out as soon as you can do so safely - it's worth speaking to Women's Aid as soon as you can to get their advice. Wishing you the best, please try to stop blaming yourself for this, he's the problem here not you.

AnnieCoverack · 13/12/2024 21:28

Catoo · 13/12/2024 20:39

OP drop the Snapchat now. There’s no point in carrying it on. Especially with a man capable of violence. People ghost people all the time, he won’t get suspicious.

Follow the sensible advice from PP of seeing a solicitor and find out what you will be entitled to when you divorce.

He will already have hidden money and investments. Don’t give him the heads up that he should hide more by letting him know too soon.

Move some money into your account. Say it’s for Christmas surprises if he asks.

If your mum will give the game away, tell her the bare minimum. That you aren’t getting on.

I’m sorry your H turned out to be a horrible person. Burning you with an iron. Fucking hell OP. He doesn’t deserve you.

💐

I agree with this. I catfished an ex once and he sent me a dirty joke so I blocked him.

Heygal · 13/12/2024 21:28

I’m so sorry to hear this. I second a lot of what has been said. I’m another suggestion is to order gift cards for Tesco’s or whatever supermarket you shop at so you have funds available for a later date. Compile all the information you need, sounds like your mum has her own suspicions. Sending lots of love.

Imbusytodaysorry · 13/12/2024 21:29

coldcallerbaiter · 13/12/2024 19:11

I don’t understand why op should leave her home and children.

Dh can leave.

I would concentrate on engineering that.

True she could report the emotional and physical abuse . Say she felt time to report as she is terrified about being able to leave and what he might do .

AnnieCoverack · 13/12/2024 21:30

Nestnearlyempty · 13/12/2024 21:15

Please be careful. He sounds nasty. AND- if there is any way you can stay in the house and kick him out please do that as going through a divorce is tough enough. Obviously if it’s not safe for you to stay then leave but if you can get him out and change locks do that.

He’s legally entitled to live in his marital home unfortunately. Women’s Aid can advise.

Bogginsthe3rd · 13/12/2024 21:36

This story seems a bit far fetched ?

AnnieCoverack · 13/12/2024 21:38

Bogginsthe3rd · 13/12/2024 21:36

This story seems a bit far fetched ?

1 in 4 women are victims of domestic abuse. This man sounds extremely dangerous.

Localres · 13/12/2024 21:39

I thought Snapchat was tied to your phone number. How do you set up a fake one on your own phone?

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